(sighs) I'm still thinking of her. Today, as I was waiting for pizza, I decided to go on Amazon and order a couple of Xmas gifts for my mom and stepdad. In my cart, there was already a few items there, with one of them being a Minecraft torch that lights up and can be mounted on the wall; another was this set of Pokemon decals that can be put up on the wall, as well.
Why did I have those two items in my cart? Because a short while ago, I was thinking of anonymously sending her a Christmas gift containing the torch and decals for her kids, and maybe something else for her as well.
But.. Man... I didn't want to pester her. I don't think sending this package is going to do me any good. It is just going to make me look crazy, and validate one of her possible reasons for breaking up with me.
I'm not crazy. I.. I am sick with wanting her. I'm constantly still thinking about her. The frequency varies, but she still comes in my mind every day. Just like tonight, when I opened that Amazon app.
Without really thinking it through, I hit the buy button and ended up purchasing the torch and decals.
I regretted it almost immediately once I realized that I would have to send it to her. And I don't want to.
I want her back. I need her back. But this isn't the way I'm going to achieve it. I can mail her those gifts anonymously, or I can take responsibility and include a note inside, telling her how I'm still feeling after all these months. Reminding her of what we once had, and letting her know again that I'm still in love. I still want to try my best to make it work with us.
And, I'm so stupid to think that sending her some gifts and a letter is going to work. It won't.
My mind is telling me right now, "hey, there's always a chance!" and I'm telling it to shut up. Yes, I know there is a chance. It might be an extremely low one, too. Why should I risk hoping for it? Why should I.. continue to allow myself to mope like this, and to still keep all of the things she's given me.
And her photos.. (sighs) .. I can't bring myself to delete them. I just can't.
And I can't help but look at them from time to time, either. And then its like my urgency is renewed, and I have to try and figure out a way to get her back.
And I can't think of anything. Everything I've tried, has failed already. And failed spectacularly hard.
If I wasn't so stupid, I'd have given up on her a long time ago. And again, if I wasn't so dumb; she might not have broken up with me, had I been able to keep from taking her for granted in our last month together.
And I wouldn't have acted out on our last night together, when she wouldn't have sex with me, and then later did.
But I was that stupid, and sending this package to her is just going to make me feel stupider when she ignores it. Or reports it to the police, thinking that I'm now unreasonably obsessed with her. Or maybe getting her mom to call me again.
Sending her this package would be a mistake, if I go through with it.
So I won't.
But God damn.. I would do anything.
And I realized, as I thought about this downstairs in my basement. Again sitting in the same chair, with the candle and listening to music while my laundry is getting done; I realized that a statement like, "I'll do anything" really does mean what it says. I'll have to do anything.
So what does that mean? It means I need to impress her from afar. And it also means I must have faith. I have had enough coincidences in my life to know that something fishy seems to happen when I least expect it. Someone eventually finds me, and I eventually learn an important lesson from that person.
There's a saying, that once the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
Gina was my best teacher yet. Lauren was my worst. And I've had a long string of teachers, many of them were terrible, but.. I always did learn something afterwards. About myself, or about women in general.
And I carry forward those experiences, and I am a better person for having survived them. A more capable person.
But knowing that, still doesn't make me feel any better. I'm still.. listless. Heartbroken.
So what options open up, when I ask myself what exactly would I do, in order to win her back?
Again, I said I would have to impress her from afar and have faith.
How can I impress her from afar?
Well.. one idea is to finish writing my darn book and getting it published.
Another idea.. Nope. That's it. That's the only idea I have left.
Now, I have to have faith that I can get my book finished and with how slow it has been going these past months; I'm not very optimistic about its chances. I hate to admit it, but it has been really slow progress. I know of an author (The Phantom) who would churn out a pulpy-detective novel every month. Then I know of other authors, who find time to write even while working a full-time job and raising a family.
How can they do it, and not me? What is stopping me from zooming ahead? It's National Novel Writing Month too. I should be inspired. I should at least be trying, even if I'm sitting at my laptop for an hour, not really being able to push through with it.
So, I don't know where to place my hopes right now. I feel defeated.. depleted.. and.. man, I miss the naive sort of optimism I had shortly after the break up. The kind that made me excited to get out of bed in the morning, and always finding new things to do each day and blog about.
I changed a lock today, finally got that done. Raked the leaves, too.
But I'm still not feeling the satisfaction of having done those things. Not as much as I once did.
Or maybe, I just need to build up momentum, and to keep myself from growing pessimistic.
Again.. I feel like thoughts of her, is whats holding me back. And that is such a catch-22 for me. Either I let her go, or I don't. If I want to find inspiration and motivation enough to finish my novel, I would have to NOT let her fade out of my mind. But if I do, I can move on. I can reactivate my dating profiles online. I can start rebuilding and replenishing myself. Get determined again.
But..
I'm getting old. It's tough finding kindling enough to spark my fire with. I've done it so many times, that each time I look for wood to throw onto the fire; I find less and less of it.
It feels like a weak flame burning inside of me. Not the fire it once was.
And I am my own worst enemy. I have to remember this. I have to actually BE who I most want to be, and not pretend or guess at it. I have to KNOW exactly who I am, embrace it and find courage enough to admit my vulnerabilities. Especially to those I would want to be in a relationship with.
Except.. phew.. It's such a tightrope act. I have to be eager, but not too eager. I have to be hopeful, but not too hopeful. I have to be masculine, but sensitive too. Funny, but down to earth. Shy, and outspoken. Passionate, but not horny.
It just goes on. I have to somehow circumvent all those "I should.." thoughts, and get to putting myself back into the moment, where I can look at those thoughts with an objective mind and find amusement in them. I need to know that those thoughts are expressions of insecurity, and that the best way to minimize their influence; is by living in the moment. Keeping myself aware. Watching my breath. Feeling everything flow around me. Speaking slowly, and thoughtfully and walking with purpose and finding contentment in living up to my responsibilities.
I just need to find happiness inside of myself first, before I can hope to share it with anyone else.
But.. Gina met me a few short weeks after Cassandra and I broke up. I was really down back then. I didn't have much optimistic, and yet still Gina came along.
With her paper flowers.
(sighs)
I think.. hmm. I really don't want to date online. I don't feel ready to activate my Okcupid profile, or to start paying for eHarmony again. I just.. would rather not deal with another person who I'm not attracted towards, that sends me "LOL" as a single response to some large paragraph I've written. Or has zero substance in themselves, and are cynical and jaded that they are practically undateable.
I can't handle more of the same thing I've experienced over the years.
I need to shake things up, somehow. But I have no idea where to start. I'm not the bar guy. I have no reason to go places in the city, especially since I have seen just about everything already.
I don't know how to meet new people if I go out into the world.
I don't like having to put my faith behind that idea.
(shrugs) I really don't know what to do right now. When those gifts arrive in my mail, I'm probably going to do the stupid thing and send it to her; or I'll drop it off at the thrift store here, and put a big smile on someone's face when they see those items for sale. And they will both be reasonably priced, knowing how generous the ladies are at Twice But Nice.
So, I guess I'll do that. Drop off those gifts and a bunch of other things from around the house that I no longer use. It's the holiday season and now is the perfect time for a single-parent to go shopping for something affordable that they can give their kids. Or a low-income household, whichever.
Yeah..
I think I'll have to say goodbye to her.
Fuck man...
Fuck.
