Now that I have decided to include this blog along with the tickets I plan to send to Gina, I'm conscious of my posts on here. I went back to look at some of the earlier ones, and I can't help but imagine what effect reading those entries are going to have on her.
I was reading the one about Amy, when it struck me that I'm going to end up being pitied. My chances of us getting back together is going to shrink, with every post Gina will read. But only if she does.. and I'm not sure if she will. Even if I send her the link.
I hope Gina realizes that most of the entries I've written about in the past seven years, have all been a cheap form of therapy for myself. Whenever something negative happens, or whenever I need to vent, or work out a thought or feeling, I usually turn to the blog. I have not written much, if anything, about the positive stuff that has happened to me over the years. I hope she understands that as much as I am revealing of myself to her on here, it is still not the complete picture of who I am and what I have to offer her.
And.. (sighs).. Like I said, I feel with every keystroke, my chances are getting slimmer and slimmer.
I don't think she can respect me after reading all this. I think she's going to consider me as a freak. Someone overly sensitive, easily hurt, weak-willed, pathetic..
Not someone she would want to devote her life to being with.
And I think about what it would be like if we got together.. and I actually just remembered what caused me to break down in dry sobs last night. It wasn't her in the doorframe that did it, but it was me imagining us back together. Our first meeting since the breakup.
It was us, sitting on a park bench, me slouching with my eyes at my feet, completely and totally at her mercy. Telling her... (sighs) .. I don't really want to revisit this memory..
I guess I won't. If we do get back together, I think.. I think it could play out the way I imagined it. I don't know.. And I don't want to spoil it either, by writing about it.
Now that I know that she may eventually be reading these words. In a few more weeks, I've decided. The week before Dolly performs.
Such a long time away.
I'm also very conscious of how much I talked about Gina on here, and how raw some of the feelings I've been expressing have been. I'm going to try and stop that, from now on. Partly because I need to.. I should focus my attentions elsewhere. I'm probably still going to have moments like I've already written about, and I'm definitely still going to be thinking of her each day, but I'm not going to write about her. At least, I'm going to try and limit myself from doing so.
I know that once she gets past reading this post, she's going to see how my dating has been going and what I have been up to. She's going to see the pains I've suffered in the past, and how they have haunted me to this day. She's going to read those early posts of mine, and see how immature and dumb I once was.
She's.. Well.. (sighs) .. I don't know where I'm going with this post.
I can't really pretend that I'm writing to myself now, that I've made this decision. If she's going to read my posts, I'm going to be writing new ones with the thought of her in mind. The only person I've allowed to read my blog, in over seven years.. I think.
It's a big deal for me. But.. I'm afraid to wonder about what she will think. I don't think it...
I don't know.
My life.. is.. it feels.. like its out of my hands.. in a way. I'm not going to attach myself to a specific outcome. If she never reads this blog, or if she tells me off and doesn't use those tickets and I never see her again.. or if she does read this blog, and is completely repulsed by me..
Then, I'm not going to .. well, I..
Shit.
I don't know what's going to happen. I really don't. I don't even know what I *want* to have happen.
I know that I still love you, Carolyn. And I know that these are only words on a screen that you are reading from.
But that's all I can offer you right now.
I'm sorry baby doll.
I really miss you.
And these .. this.. these tickets and this blog...
Is all I have left .. no. Well..
Yes. These tickets and this blog is all I have left to win you back with.
It won't be easy if we do get back together, Gina, it's going to be a little awkward at first as we start again from square one.
But, I think it will be worth it.
I know it will be worth it.
I'm pretty much your man, baby doll. I'm sorry I took you for granted. I'm sorry you thought it was just infatuation between us.
But..
(sighs)
Again, I'm not going to hold my breath. I have already decided what I want.
And now.
It's your turn.
