It started innocently enough, I kicked the day off by going to my appointment with Kristen over at Drift Float Studios which is this place where you can sit in a big bathtub and float around in total darkness.
Looks like this,
I floated for an hour, alone with my thoughts, in total darkness, feeling the silkiness of the water and though I expected to have something creative pop up in my noggin, or at least some form of constructive thinking; I didn't have anything, really.
Because it was my first time here, I felt compelled to make up a list of ways I could improve the overall experience that I was having at Drift Studios. Kristen was a super nice person, and it was a new business, and when I came in, we discussed how it was going, what inspired her to start it, etc.
But, yeah. I spent an hour in that tank, pretty much thinking of ways to improve Kristen's business rather than really letting myself go and allowing my mind to relax.
Here's a small list of "improvements" I came up with while floating in there:
1) The room was bare and sparsely decorated, so why not put a plant in there?
2) It needed a bigger mirror. All that was in there was a tiny circle, and it was on the far side of the room away from the shower
3) There was no clock inside, so I couldn't tell how much time was remaining before I had to leave
4) The room could've used a wax warmer, or incense, so that it would smell better
5) Floats should be in half hour increments, rather than an entire hour. I was getting bored in the last 15 minutes
6) The showerhead was plain, and a good idea would be to install one of those color-changing heads so you can tell what the temperature is before going inside. Plus it would liven up the atmosphere.
7) More pictures on the wall. There was nothing there.
And so on. I spent an entire hour in a bathtub thinking of ways for Kristen to improve her business, and when I passed on these suggestions to her afterwards, she shot them all down. She had an answer for everything but the shower head, and generally, her reasoning came down to, "well, I don't want people to stay inside the room for too long". Things like incense and having a plant in there and pictures, well, she said it wouldn't be worth the effort.
I was pretty disappointed with the hour I spent in there. I didn't feel all that relaxed after it was done, and my back was still a little sore, which is part of what floating is supposed to help with.
After that, did a trip to Costco for a few things, stopped at Walmart, went home.
Then, I get a call on my phone from some guy named "Steven" who said it was about his niece, Gina.
Before I could call him back, my phone started ringing with what was said to be a "private" number.
It was Gina's mom.
(sighs) this is the part that I don't enjoy writing about.
She called to tell me to leave her daughter alone, and that if I ever contacted Gina again, she would go to the police. We spent maybe 20 minutes discussing this, as well as my feelings for her daughter, my disappointment at not having met her mom, etc. The reason she called, was because Gina found cds at her work today, and thought it was from me.
I had to hang up on her mom at the end there, apologizing as I did so, because she seemed pretty determined to get me to to admit responsibility for having done that.
In my blog, I mentioned the mixed cd that I made Gina, that I hoped she would listen to, but that is not what was dropped off. They were random cds, with no rhyme or reason to them.
It was shortly after this conversation, that I had to turn my phone off and go into the bathroom to sit on the edge of the tub.
And, think.
The first thing I thought about, was that yes. It's over between us. If Gina's mother and her uncle are both calling me to say to leave their daughter/niece alone, then I really shouldn't be giving her those Dolly Parton tickets in a few weeks. I really should stop hoping, that somehow Gina will have a change of heart and be willing to give me another chance.
Wendy (her mom) kept calling me though. I had to turn my phone off, and then later block private calls from calling. She called me 9 times. During our conversation, I thought I said everything that needed to be said and that there was nothing further to say. She thought otherwise. And I wasn't interested in being subjected to basically what amounts to harassment and being put down.
I recorded the conversation. Saved a screenshot of all her calls, and she filled my voicemail up asking me to call her back because she still had some things she wanted to tell me. Though we had already talked for about 20 minutes on this.
While sitting on the tub, swiping right to ignore the incoming calls and then turning the phone off, I couldn't stay inside the house. I had to leave. So, I went down to the river valley, put my headphones on and went for a walk.
It was grey and gloomy and about to rain, but I did manage to talk to a couple of guys who were fishing and I saw an attractive couple in love who were kissing near the edge of the water.
I wish I could've been that guy with that girl.
When I got back home, after a couple hours, I felt the odd compulsion to watch this movie:
And it was the perfect movie, at the perfect time.
The first film I've watched since that last night with Gina, over two months ago.
I laughed. I sighed. It was funny, it was sweet, it was charming and..
Boy. It was exactly what I needed.
Look at this bit of dialog from the film:
[at Robbie graduation, he takes the stand to make his graduation speech]
Robbie Weaver: Welcome, class of 2011. Our time as middle schoolers has come to an end. We can’t fight it anymore, we’re getting old
[there’s mumbling of laughter from the crowd]
Robbie Weaver: All my life I wanted to grow up. I wanted to appear older, so people would take me seriously. It all sounded so good to me. Growing up, getting a job, getting married, but it’s all a scam. And love, that’s the biggest scam of all. I was in love, and I…I know that makes some of you laugh, cause I’m only thirteen. But, whatever, I was. And I used to think, I really believed that there was one true love for everyone and if you fought hard enough for that person, your one true love would always work out. It sounded good to me when I younger, but it just doesn’t work that way. There is no such thing as one true love.
[suddenly Cal stands up from his place in the audience]
Cal Weaver: Stop!
[everyone in the crowd turns and looks at Cal]
Cal Weaver: Shit!
Robbie Weaver: Welcome, class of 2011. Our time as middle schoolers has come to an end. We can’t fight it anymore, we’re getting old
[there’s mumbling of laughter from the crowd]
Robbie Weaver: All my life I wanted to grow up. I wanted to appear older, so people would take me seriously. It all sounded so good to me. Growing up, getting a job, getting married, but it’s all a scam. And love, that’s the biggest scam of all. I was in love, and I…I know that makes some of you laugh, cause I’m only thirteen. But, whatever, I was. And I used to think, I really believed that there was one true love for everyone and if you fought hard enough for that person, your one true love would always work out. It sounded good to me when I younger, but it just doesn’t work that way. There is no such thing as one true love.
[suddenly Cal stands up from his place in the audience]
Cal Weaver: Stop!
[everyone in the crowd turns and looks at Cal]
Cal Weaver: Shit!
[after interrupting Robbie’s speech Cal faces the crowd and looks at the panel of teachers and notices Kate discreetly giving him the finger]
Cal Weaver: Well, here’s the thing. My son’s graduation speech sucks. That’s not a joke. In fairness, I didn’t know where he was going with that, but I think we can all agree it was headed in the kind of depressing um…way. My son, not him, my actual son believes in grand romantic gestures. He believes in the existence of one soul mate. And it’s easy to just look at a thirteen year old and say; ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about. You are wrong.’ But I’m not so sure. I met my soul mate when I was fifteen years old. We went out for ice cream. After my dad started teasing me about my first date, the way dads do, and I told him; ‘Dad, it’s no big deal. I’m gonna be going out with a lot of different girls on a lot of different dates.’ And that is the first time that I ever lied to my father. I met my soul mate when I was fifteen years old and I’ve loved her every minute, every day since I first bought her that mint chocolate chip cone. I have loved her through the birth of our three perfect children. I have loved her, even when I’ve hated her. You married couples will understand that one. And I don’t know if it’s gonna work out, I don’t know what’ gonna happen.
[turns to Robbie]
Cal Weaver: I’m sorry, Robbie. I can’t give you that. But I can promise you this, I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one, you never give up.
Cal Weaver was talking about his wife, at the end there, who wanted a divorce early on in the movie. Which prompted him to hang out at bars, and try to move on by picking up as many women as he could. With the help of Ryan Gosling.
[turns to Robbie]
Cal Weaver: I’m sorry, Robbie. I can’t give you that. But I can promise you this, I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one, you never give up.
Boy.. I don't know what to think after hearing that speech. This movie was like a pat on the back, and a warm hug to me. It said that if I believed in true love, in soulmates, then I should fight. I shouldn't give up. I should always keep trying.
So.. Should I?
(sighs)
After last night... Well..
Hmm.
I have no interest in harassing Gina. I don't want her to be upset or mad at me. I'm not mad at her, or her mother, or her uncle. I don't want her to think less of me. Her family loves her, and phoning me was their way of acting out of concern on Gina's behalf. I respect that of them. I admire them, even. She is a fantastic human being, who has been through a lot of shitty moments in life.
But.. in my defense, she denied me a face-to-face breakup. She denied me the opportunity to air out my feelings and to change things around with us. To explain to her why I took her for granted, in the last few weeks when we were together.
I'm a great guy. It took reading some of her texts and emails last night for me to really accept that. I'm kind. Smart. Generous. Funny. I'm the type of person that she would be happy to spend the rest of her life with.
But, she doesn't want to. Not because she doesn't think I am these things, she did say that I was a wonderful human being as part of her breakup text; but I think she doesn't want to, because she..
I don't know. I guess the answer to that, is because she gave up on us. Without warning. Without a conversation. Without giving me a chance to give her my anti-breakup speech.
Without giving me the chance to tell her I love her, and to look into her eyes while doing so.
Because that would've been a game-changer, had she allowed that to happen.
Anyways.. Steven left me a voicemail, saying for me to call him back.
I think I'm going to wait another week, and do exactly that.
I have no fear anymore. I am in love, and I can't help it. I still have those tickets that I can't get a refund for. Who would appreciate these tickets more than her?
So, I'm going to call her uncle Steven, and offer to sell them to him. And he can take full credit. I don't need to be credited.
I just want Gina to be happy.
She deserves it.
And so do I.
