Watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, because it was two bucks on demand; and it was shit.
Laying in bed, listening to music with my lights set to an ocean blue color (thanks Philips Hue!), I came to the realization that I am a fucking loser.
I'm imagining what it would be like to look at myself from Gina's perspective, and that's the conclusion I came up with.
I am not a fucking man. I am a loser. I'm an immature kid.
At least, that's what she must be thinking right now, as the warm rosy afterglow of that letter I sent her, must have left her with.
"That David, wow.. what a loser. I feel sorry for him."
No way in hell am I going to be respected for that letter. Or my attempts in getting her back. Not by Gina, not by anyone.
I am a fucking loser.
And my life sucks.
And I don't know what to fucking think about myself and how I should "be" in this world where the cynical and superficial reign supreme.
Fucking pretend, I guess. Like everyone else does. Pretend like I don't "care" if I have a woman in my life or not, and if I do, pretend like she's not a big deal to me.
Like just about every other guy I know, who tells me about their wife or girlfriend.
Nobody truly gives a shit.
Everything is disposable. Everyone is disposable. Dump this guy and hop online. You'll find someone new in a day or two. Spread your legs, rinse and repeat. Watch yourself grow cynical and colder and less believing/receptive towards the idea of actually being in a relationship with a foundation rooted in love. Actual love. Not your Hollywood-fed 50 Shades of Grey / Hugh Jackman bullshit romance/comedy/drama/Twilight whatever fantasy crap that women are being peddled these days.
Fuck women.
Yeah, in more ways than one. I see the point in my single co-worker buddies telling me about how they fuck and leave girls. Who wants to settle down and actually develop anything meaningful? Especially if they will be taking half your shit afterwards, when they inevitably cheat on you with someone else. Why fucking bother with that?
I know this guy at work, let's call him "Chris" even though "Chris" is his actual name. Guy claims to have fucked over 200 women off of websites like POF and Tinder.
I had no respect for him at all. He's a douche. But hey, women love douches apparently. Because of how closely a douche resembles their idealized version of what a "man" is supposed to be. Decisive, strong, wealthy, charismatic, intelligent, and .. doesn't give a shit.
Anyways, he was a douche and not actually an "idealized" man.. or a good example of one. No sense of honor.. that's a quality that most douches don't actually have, which few women pick up on.
"Where are all the nice guys out there?" women cry, in their profiles online. And then jump into the sack with inmate #232, who's all tatted up with a six pack and slaps and pulls their hair, etc.
Hypocrites.
I threw a quip at Chris once. When he was telling me about how he broke up with so and so. Another break up story where he shrugged it off, and the girl is like "plz txt me k thx"shortly after the deed.
"It's hard finding a good girl these days, huh?" I asked, after hearing these details.
He shot me this look. Kind of a disbelieving, "I can't believe how stupid you are" sort of expression.
I had to laugh inwardly at that face he made. He's not looking for a good girl. He's looking for an easy lay. If they stick around, great. If not, then onto the next one.
Douche. Fucking douche.
Boy, am I letting my anger out.. feels good I tell ya!
Actually, I'm not all that angry.. Still, well. Partly angry, more frustrated, really.
Frustrated at a world that is telling me to be the opposite of who I want to be.
Honorable. Loving. Giving. Kind. Vulnerable. Honest.
Douches can get the honesty part sort of right, especially if they are good looking douches and/or douches with a lot of money and an Italian salami attached to their pelvises. But, they can't get the rest of the qualities right.
Still, though. Women don't care. They still want douches. And they think they can change the douche, by being..
Oh, who cares. I'm not interested in doing an analysis right now. Just spit balling.
Just thinking of what Gina must be thinking of me, right after I wrote that email.
She probably showed it off to her mom already. Probably her friend Dawn, too.
And everyone is shaking their heads, probably telling her that she dodged a bullet with me.
Or some bloody shit.
Nobody believes in love anymore. People want to. Women who watch a lot of romance, want to.
But nobody actually BELIEVES in love anymore.
People have this vague notion of it. This kind of idea in their heads, that may or may not sync up with reality, and it doesn't matter to them. They'll be happy with cheap copies of the real thing, and grow comfortable in feeling a fake kind of authenticity.
Eh.
I'm tired. Had to grab the laptop and pound out an entry. It's probably going to be important that I write my thoughts down as much as I can, in and around the period of my "Gina" phase. Which I expect to get over soon.
I'm sure she's long gotten over me.
I'm sure she's completely forgotten how good we were together. How amazing the sex was. How ..
It doesn't matter, anymore. Fuck her. That beautiful idiot can be lonely for the rest of her life for all I care.
Or maybe someday, she will find herself a douche to fall in "love" with, and eventually have her heart broken over. Just like that one guy she dated before me, who fucked her and then called her kids "baggage" afterwards. Smart dude to have waited till after the deed was done.
High five bro. That's how you treat them bitches.
Right?
Am I doing okay so far?
Fuck y'all.
