It doesn't make much sense, but I had a great day and in the evening, I could feel this.. tiredness creep into me. Not the kind that you'd want to go to bed early over, but the sort that follows a tattered and worn heart.
I don't feel much like writing on this blog tonight, but I feel like I have to. This is what I was telling myself that I needed to do. To persevere when the going gets rough, and to push forward and through whatever is in my way.
Whenever I can. Like I said I would.
For total randomness, here is a picture.
I think I did a pretty good job of finding the right place to put the Mickey Mouse cap a co-worker bought for me years ago on his trip to Disneyland. Skeletor approves, as you can see.
Well.. (sighs) .. as I said, great day. Started off with a coffee and a trip to River City, where I had a fun conversation with the lady there for about 20 minutes. We covered Doctor Who, superpowers, time travel, the paparazzi and the trouble that fame brings. I'm kind of disappointed the lady is 3 months pregnant and married to a military guy. She was dorky in the most entertaining way I've seen in a girl yet.
After I left there, Justin shot me a text asking if I wanted to go for a swim. "That doesn't sound gay at all." I replied, and agreed to meet him at the new Clareview arena, which is absolutely gigantic.
Great time in there, we spent two hours chilling in the hot tub, doing a few laps, going down the waterside, enjoying the hot drops of water falling from the ceiling inside the sauna. Plus I got to see his butt while we were changing. Not that I care, just sayin'.
Lunch was at this Italian place called "Life" in Sherwood Park, and the waiter was this creepy young Italian guy with long curly hair. His over-attentiveness, and his, "hey, where you guys are from? what's that band from? (the arena band I had on my wrist from swimming) what's your name?" and as I was heading outside for a smoke, "hey man, need a lighter?" sheesh. I was so annoyed, that I tipped him 5% of my 30$ bill. So, like, a buck fifty. Wish I could reverse it somehow and have him paying us for the hassling he did. I'm sure he meant well, but a good waiter is attentive in the most discreet way possible. Maybe he thought we were cool, or something, I don't know. Or maybe he really wanted that huge tip I left him.
I had the Atlantic Salmon with Minestrone soup, Justin went with the lasagna and meatballs. Both were pretty good. Worth going again, we figured. Even if we have to put up with that waiter, who forgotten our names the last time we went and didn't seem to recognize us when I brought it up.
I checked out Bed, Bath & Beyond after and used my 20% off coupon on a cool handheld vacuum. Checking out the brand later on Amazon, I find that it was actually 80$ instead of a hundred, and was disappointed that my coupon basically matched that price, even though they do price matching in store.
And.. see, this is where things shifted on me. I don't think it was Bed, Bath & Beyond, but it was the drive home that had me feeling sad. Just sad, with no real rhyme or reason to it. I sat on my front porch for a bit, unpacking some of the things I got, read the manual for the vacuum, played with my phone for a bit, and..
And I realized how lonely I truly was.
I don't mean to elicit any sympathy with this post, though no one is reading it anyways, I just wanted to put it out there.
I am lonely. In the past, I used to kill this kind of feeling by watching a movie, reading a book, or playing a video game, but now that I haven't watched a movie since Fifth Element, and haven't really read a book in a while, and have no desire to fire up the Xbox; I'm just.. left to my own devices. I have no choice but to acknowledge the way I am feeling, and I also realize, it's very much necessary for me to do so. To give it that curt nod and say, "yep. I know."
A lot of people don't like to do that, I find. They do what I used to do, and distract themselves. Either by entertainment, socialization, drugs, sex, whatever they normally do to take their mind off such things.
Not me. I'm letting myself be swallowed up whole, and I'm happy to have the courage to be able to do so. Because I know that what I feel today, will not necessarily be what I will feel tomorrow. Or the next week. I know that being sad, is a part of human nature and I also know, that I have reasons good enough to merit these feelings.
I deserve to be sad, pretty much. I'm allowing it, because repression and distraction is only going to have it come back even stronger and more insistent, and I'm not interested in fighting that kind of battle within myself.
It's okay to be sad. Life isn't always going to be about puppy dogs sliding down rainbows in the sky, it's going to have its tough moments. Moments of pain, loneliness, heartache, despair, unrequited desire, self-loathing sometimes.. It's not ever easy being human in a world like this. Where the newspapers are all about the latest murder, corruption in politics, animal and child abuse, and all such things. Yes, they are a part of our reality, but the media nowadays.. it's so.. cynical and bleak, for the most part. And whatever that is positive and good out there, is oftentimes promoted and used as a way to generate money somehow. Basically, it becomes packaged and distributed. Take a funny or heartwarming commercial on TV for instance. I'll use the Heinz one, where a pack of Chihuahuas are bounding down a hill wearing hot dog costumes, running towards a group of people dressed up in condiment bottles. Ketchup, mustard, and so forth. I thought it was cute, I smiled. But damn it, it's marketing, it's just a way for a big corporation to promote their products. It's not authentic. It's not real. It's manufactured. Calculated and designed by a committee of people who's job it is to think of these kind of ideas.
I hate commercials that prey upon the emotions of those that are watching. Hate them with a passion. Or worse yet, they become so indulgent and pretentious that they don't even talk about the product itself. Brad Pitt selling perfume, and Matthew McCouganey (whatever, can't remember how to spell it) going around driving his.. sheesh, I don't even remember the type of car.. Mercedes? Oh, Lincoln I think.. And there's nothing in that commercial about why anyone should buy the car, just an overpaid actor drawling in his southern accent over how he "feels" while riding around. It's so dumb. So...
Ugh.
Everything is always about money. That's why I'm so hesitant about my novel. Because I genuinely want to write from a place of sincerity, of wanting to tell a good story. But this world.. this world is run off of money, and any product released out there, is going to be met with skepticism as far as authenticity goes. That includes my book. People are going to think I was motivated by money, more so than the urge to contribute something of value to this planet. At least those who are older, and have been affected by advertising, would think so. There's just too much of it out there. It's too easy to grow cynical and jaded because of it.
I wish it didn't have to be this way. I would love it if there was a world, where everyone had a guaranteed basic income, and are assured of having food, shelter, clothing and the necessities of life provided for them without the need of having money to pay for it. Then you will see art emerge. REAL art that doesn't put out its hand and expect some form of payment in exchange.
I feel so inarticulate tonight. My creativity just isn't with me right now. This post barely has anything funny or insightful. At least, I don't think.
But I do want to write all this regardless. This is me at a low point, and to only write whenever I'm "in the mood" is not a good thing to allow to happen. I need to push through those feelings. I need to find the confidence in myself to just turn the lights off outside, sigh, and accept that the "muse" isn't going to be showing up tonight and that I'm on my own. And that being on my own, with or without inspiration, is going to mean I'm writing anyways. No muse required. No matter how ugly and boring my writing gets.
I'm a good writer. Sometimes. But.. well, not tonight I guess. And that's okay.
I accept that.
It doesn't hurt me, like it used to.
I'm just going to write.
I am not going to surrender.
The highlight of my day, were the many smiles I saw on the faces of people in the pool.
I still believe in the goodness of humanity.
That is why I am still here.
That is why I write.
