A cute lil' bunny! Sure, it's not the Velveteen Rabbit, but hey, I'll take what I can get. It didn't eat the carrots I put out for him, and it hopped away to hide when I was literally inches away from picking him up and doing my best Lenny (of Mice and Men) impersonation.
Still, that thing was tiny... the last photo really puts him into perspective if you use the motion lamp for scale. It might've been someone's lost pet. Or a gray alien in clever disguise. I mean, look at how it's smirking at me.
Anyways, may as well get this out of the way...
It's the Donut Mill! Haven of donut avacados (avocado? aficionados) the world over!
1 Apple Fritter
2 Apple Pie
1 White Oreo
1 Chocolate Oreo
1 *surprise* donut - basically I asked the cashier to pick out the best donut in the place, and not tell me what it was. Turned out it was some kind of Skor donut, with pieces of the candy crumbled all over. It actually didn't appeal to me at all. Meh. Some surprise that was.
Actually, the biggest surprise was how disrespectful the people there were to the donuts. It felt like they were abused, and I had to rescue them. Look at this picture:
Who packages donuts in a brown paper bag? There was no wax paper separating anything, and the three donuts I had in there were uncomfortably jammed up against each other. Swapping DNA and stuff. They really should be in a box.
Here are my "rescues" from the place, the Skor donut in particular looking quite nasty.
And, now.. the date I had with Shelane.
Hoo boy.
She's 38. A nurse. Lives on a hobby farm Southeast of Red Deer. Has three kids by two fathers. A beautiful Golden Retriever. Twenty acres of land, pictures of which made me quite envious. Uhm.. what else... Eh. Those are the basics.
I didn't expect anything going in to meet her, and boy, was I blindsided.
She *really* was into me. Like, really really. Our conversation was effortless. Our chemistry, instant. I didn't feel nervous, scared or worried about anything of what I was saying or doing because I honestly did not care about making a good impression. Sure, I dressed well, slapped on some cologne; but I didn't really *try* at impressing her. Didn't have my heart into this meeting to begin with.
And that's where a funny thing happens.
I became charming. Funny. Smart.
I was happy. I smiled a ton, and she smiled back.
That advice I gave myself earlier in the blog about staying true to myself, that was on full display right here and despite my complete and utter failure with the women that I most want to be with, I reaped the fruits of my own advice and it turned me into a completely different person.
Myself. I was finally myself. I didn't care if this girl liked me. I didn't feel like I had to impress anyone. I just wanted donuts, and she happened to be there for company.
We spent probably a half hour inside of there, when she suggested we go out for a smoke, and because it was windy and a bit cold (I shouldn't have worn sandals), she offered for us to sit in her truck. Which then lasted for two hours of conversation and coffee before she had to go drive her friend to work.
It was.. so... weird. We just clicked. Boom.
And she already offered to come see me in the Fort on Friday, since she has some child support papers she has to pick up in downtown Edmonton.
What's funny, that throughout this date, I kept thinking that she's not Gina. She's not the type of girl I'd want to be in a relationship with. I think the only thing I'm actually attracted by, is the chemistry we had. That's pretty much it. Physically, she was a tad overweight, and had these really mischievous eyes which she later confirmed by telling me how much of a "bad" girl she is.
When you're on the first date, and she whips her phone out to show off her pictures, and then mumbles... "There's so many nudes of myself on here..." and then eventually shows some of them to me.. well, yeah. That's not the kind of girl I'd want to bring home to meet my mother. She has three kids too. Two different dads. So, that pretty much makes her a lot less wholesome than the type I'd want to marry someday.
But... (shrugs).. I didn't care. I actually was entertained by her personality, though I didn't feel any attraction and I'm already 98% certain that we won't be getting into anything long-term. I'll have her come by Friday and hang out, just to confirm, but I doubt the 2% chance of changing my mind on her is going to happen then.
When she asked me about my last relationship and how it ended, I told her very little, and somehow she picked up on something and said:
"You're love struck!"
I paused, and really examined how she came to that conclusion. I guess while I may have been paying attention to my words, I was kind of ignoring the tone that was on them. Maybe that's what it was.
I told her how I had those Dolly Parton tickets for Gina, and she didn't think it was a bad idea for me to give them to her. I told her that my ex deserves them, that she works hard and has been through so much and.. well, I did feel a change in my voice when I talked of her. I think I knew what Shelane was picking up on. Borderline hushed reverence, guess you could say.
"Well, I hope you two get back together," she says.
Despite knowing how much I miss my ex; she still wants to see me again, and I figured.. why not? I'm single, I'm still going to be off work until the end of this month, and I can't just.. ignore people and ignore life just because the woman I love doesn't want me. I have to keep on. There's a path I'm walking, and I have to stick to it and go where it takes me. I won't abandon the past, I'll always be mindful of it. I need to remember the pain I carried with myself for years, inflicted upon by various persons, including myself, and I need to be able to transcend it and become a better human being.
I think it has already happened. I am a better person now.
I plan on eventually posting up a long-winded thing about how much I've changed, but I'm going to wait until the end of the month before doing that. I want to tally up exactly everything that I changed in my life, my home, and in myself. I want that list to be LONG, and account with meticilous precision, all the ways how my life has improved. It's only August 3rd right now, and I still have another 27 days to add more and more things to this list I'd like to make. I can't wait to see what the final tally will end up being.
I'm feeling very encouraged right now, but I know better than to do what I've done in the past whenever a "recovery" happens, like the one I've experienced since our breakup. In the past, I'd "pretend" to forget all of the trauma and move on, only to come crashing back down whenever some setback occurs. I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm going to try and be as grateful as I can, for the changes that Gina caused in me. I'm going to try, anyways, and hope these feelings won't fade. I want to ride this wave for as long as I can, before wiping out again. Not that I really expect to crash down in flames, but I do want to be prepared in case I do.
Shelane complimented my eyes, gave me a nice kiss goodbye, and I spent two hours driving back home. Still sort of looking at the red cars, but not nearly as much. I guess the logical side of myself knew that Gina could not have been driving on the highway I was, at that particular time, so...
Hoo boy. I'm looking forward to Shelane coming over, because with my newfound honesty, I'm probably going to show her the paper flowers Gina made me, the pink rubber duck, the Yoda Pez dispenser.. Heck, I'll probably even wear her "classically trained" Nintendo shirt as I open the door. It's going to be hilarious. I really don't care what Shelane has to say about my feelings for my ex. She knows about them, and I'm staying true to myself for being open and honest. Really honest.
For the first time in years.
And it feels great.
