Tough beans, is how I've been feeling this morning and part of yesterday.
Let's talk about yesterday, Sunday. It was kind of a momentous day that I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about, because of how personal it ended up being.
Started off in the morning, with me going to the gas station and buying a pack of smokes.
The cashier there is a Filipino lady in her 30s, who I banter with each time I go. This morning, she had her long hair down, and I commented on it as I paid for my smokes and lottery ticket.
"Hey, did.. did you do something with your hair?" I asked.
"Yes, I let it down. I look ten years younger now!" she said.
I laughed and shook my head.
"No, not ten years. Eight, you look eight years younger."
She laughed, handing over my lottery ticket. Super Max, 50 million prize draw. I had to get one, though I don't play often.
"Hey, if I win this, I'll give you fifty bucks."
"Fifty bucks?" she replies in mock astonishment and a grin. "Oh, there's so much I could do with that.."
"Yeah! You could buy groceries or something"
"For a week!" She grins.
Last time I bought a ticket, I had a similiar conversation with her, but said that I would give her a hundred bucks.
"I know I said last time I'd give you a hundred, but this time its fifty. Sorry."
I'm such a dork. She started saying a few things, and I cut in by telling her not to worry about that I will "take care" of her.
No, I don't mean I'd strangle her in her sleep with piano wire, but I did mean I'd give her a fair amount of money if I did win fifty mill. I settled on the amount of 10k, wished her a good day, and left.
The reason I'm writing about this particular story, is because I'm still able to make people smile. I'm still able to smile, myself. And I'm not walking around shuffling my feet, unable to look anyone in the eye and feeling sorry for myself.
Nope, nope no. Just because I'll nev... hmm.. Yeesh. I have to say, just because I "probably" will never see Gina again, but saying probably means I acknowledge that there's still a chance. There's still hope.
That cursed hope of mine. An annoying pest, to be sure.
Anyways, just because I probably will never see Gina again, doesn't mean I'm going to go through life like a fucking cripple with a broken heart.
For all of Sunday, I'm quite proud of how I didn't break down and cry over her like I have been doing the past couple of days.
Well, except for a "moment" with a flea market psychic, which I'll get to in a bit here...
So, I did go back to the flea market, to see if there was still that second "Nazar" that I bought last week. I figured my mom would like it.
There was. But it took about an hour and a half of waiting around for Trina to open her stall up, since she was busy with some young guy in there, who was getting what appeared to be a Reiki treatment.
I waited patiently for her, on the bench next the stall. Finally saw her, said I was interested in a psychic reading (she offers a bunch of different services) and she said for me to come back at 1, hence the hour and a half waiting.
During that time, I picked up a few items, had a pizza sub and talked for a bit with an insulator who I haven't seen in years. He's the one that gave me that Mickey Mouse cap which I placed on Yoda a few weeks ago.
I still want to own this thing though...
I also had a conversation with a guy about brass oil lamps. I showed him pictures of mine, to see what he thought it would be worth.
Got to be worth something, right? Showing it to this guy had him go wide-eyed and saying that it was something "special" and that it likely was worth "alot". When I pressed him for a ballpark number, he said he would have to research it to be sure, but thought a few hundred bucks is around how much it could sell for.
Nice. I'm thinking of keeping it. Maybe converting it to an electric lamp, and keep it on my fireplace mantel where it is now.
So, shenanigans aside, I manage to get in to see Trina, where I offered her a hundred and ten bucks for her Buddha statue, Nazar and a psychic reading. She accepted and closed the door, pulling out a deck of Tarot cards.
"Shuffle the cards," she says, "are you comfortable with picking out 13?"
"Sure. Who cares about that number. It only means something if someone believes it does. Your booth has the number 13 in it, so..."
Anyways, we chat like this while the reading goes on. She asked me to think of a "question" that I want answered as I shuffled the cards. I paused for a bit, and decided upon this one:
"Will Gina and I get back together?"
I couldn't tell Trina that was my question, until later, but she flipped my 13 cards over and announces that the prediction was going to be about "work".
I groaned inside. Pfbt. Work. I don't care about work. And I wasn't working now anyways.
She tells me that there are two people I'm in conflict with at work.
"I'm not working," I said.
Heh. Predictions had to be bent around a bit.
Anyways, I was pretty disappointed with the overall theme and predictions and I told her this after she was done. "No big deal," I assured her. Not feeling gyped in the least.
Because looking into Trina's blue/gray eyes during all this, made me realize that she was a really good person who was doing her best to help me.
Not like that flea market psychic I saw years ago who said I was going to get married and publish a book.
Heh.
Overall, I got a few things from this. Apparently I drew a really good card, something with a Sun on it and she thinks it has something to do with someone in my family about to have a child. Or there will be a child in the next few months (announced).. Then, I'm supposedly going to be taking a trip to someplace old, which I kind of thought it was Cuba because I was thinking about going in November, but she guessed Mexico. And there was some other prediction that I will know about by February.. Forgot what it was.
Well, all said and done, Trina and I finish up and she needed to go outside for a cigarette, to which I offered to go and keep her company, and have one as well.
I think our conversation .. Hmm, I'm missing some important bits of what we said during the reading..
I remember telling her about Gina, and she pulled out this pendulum and tried asking it if Gina and I were going to be back together.
I stopped her, saying that I know how these things worked. That there are unconscious muscles in our fingers that twitch around and influences the answer. So, she had me holding it.
Interestingly, nothing really happened. The pendulum swung in a circle, instead of up/down, side-to-side.
She tried a few different things, but concluded saying that she couldn't figure out what the answer was.
At least she was honest. She gave me a couple rose quartz crystal things and told me to put one in each of my pockets. I was like, "how long do I have to do that for?" apparently, they're intended for healing me or something. Though she said I was doing quite well, for someone who was heartbroken.
Anyways, outside having a smoke with her was more interesting than the reading.
I told her about my struggle in realizing a relationship with God. Knowing who God is, what is expected of me, what I can "ask" for from this being, whether or not "God" as depicted in the Bible, is an evil being and then told her about Gnosticism for a bit.
Yada, yada. Our conversation went on for quite a bit, two smokes later, she said she could sense energies in people.
"Do you sense anything in me?" I ask.
This is where her eyes went wide and a big smile came up.
"Ohhhhh yes. You are.."
I'm trying to remember EXACTLY the words, but I'm struggling.
She basically said I was a very good person. And a few other things..
I lost it. I.. could feel tears well up, and I had to fight them down. I wasn't bawling or sobbing, but boy.. It wasn't easy keeping them under control. I'd say three or four tears came sliding down when she started talking about how.. amazing, I am, I guess.
It.. prompted her, these tears prompted her to go, "aw.." and offer me a hug.
Great fucking hug, by the way. Total body contact. Not like those hugs where people sort of hesitate a bit and there's a gap between the two of you. But, that's a mutual thing. I remember consciously pressing myself up against her, just because to not do so, would've been an insult.
So, she.. repeated. Hrmph. She.. validated my worth again, said for me to come back soon, and that she will "remember" my name now.
"What's my name?" I grin at her, as she walked back inside, having to go help another client.
"David," she smiles. "You're David. And you're a good man."
"Don't start again." I shook my head at her, gave a smile, and left.
(sighs)
There are still good people left in this world.
... and if I cry in front of someone, then it means something. It's rare. Important. Something meaningful. Last time I remember doing this, was when Gina came over and I didn't want to tell her that my father passed away the day before. I didn't want to ruin our time together. But I blurted it out, and she.. she gave me a hug and I crumbled in her arms..
But, whatever...
Anyways, that's my post for today.
Wait..
Hmm..
I'm back to listening to metal music again.
Feels fucking good man... Soulfly is on now. Babylon.
Fucking metal.
Exactly what I need right now.
Fuck that beautiful idiot I love.
Fuck her up her big stupid ass.
Should probably add a smiley face after that statement, but eh. I know my sarcasm. And I have no idea if I'll ever let anyone in the future read my blog again, so who gives a shit if I'm not expressing my feelings unambigiously.
Ah, yeah.. Went out with my mom after the flea market.. That was good, too. Eh. I'm not going to write down every stupid little detail.
Wrote enough, already.
Dave out.
