I cried.
Laying in bed, my mind started churning and thoughts turned towards.. well, her.
I pulled out my phone, and started looking at pictures.
And.. Though a few tears were coming down, I didn't fight them, I just.. kept looking.
Something happened, though, where I think it was when I looked towards my doorframe and imagined her standing there, dressed in black lingerie and looking at me with that smile of hers.
That's when I lost it. I could feel deep, shuddering sobs coming out of my chest. It didn't last for too long, fortunately, but I had to acknowledge what an idiot I am for not being able to keep myself in check.
I also felt a compulsion to look at some of our emails, I couldn't look at more than two, so here are a few excerpts from what we exchanged back together in May, two months after our relationship started.
You know, I'm not quite the person I want to be, when I'm with you. Not yet. I actually feel a bit out of sorts, I'm not usually hesitant or the quiet type (especially at work, or in public) and I'm struggling to try and break free of this weird feeling. I think I mentioned to you before how I sort of conform to specific personality types, and certain people bring out certain qualities in me. And with you, I'm not yet sure what's being brought out, only that I can feel my mask slipping a bit, and I'm going to have to try and get comfortable with our situation, because I'm not completely all the way there yet. No offense to you or anything, you're a terrific human being and I think that's really what it is. Terrific human beings have been in short supply for most of my life. Seeing one, much less dating one, makes me feel a little unsure about how I should behave around them :) I know how weird that must sound. Guess that's the baggage I bring along to all this.
I feel lucky to have met you too, Carolyn :)
and, an excerpt from hers:
I am wondering, by your comments about yourself, if you will be able to be comfortable enough with me to be able to be who you want to be. I hope so. Do you know what that is or what that looks like to you? It seems like there is this hesitation while you feel out new territory and test the water, so to speak... Maybe I have that wrong, but it seems more like quiet observation and some uncertainty and hesitation. Not that this is a bad thing, I hope you don't take it that way, just my observation of you. You give me these looks sometimes that say more than words and it's almost like you don't quite know what to do with me or wonder where I came from. And as if you want to say more to me, but are unsure of how it will be perceived or how I will respond. That might sound silly, but it's how I feel.
She was right. I was hesitant. I wasn't completely comfortable. She was too good, too.. unreal, that I couldn't.. I expected another Lauren, another Leah, Amy, Cassandra.. Girls who start off like this, all into me and promising me the world and doing nice things and smiles and giggles and sex and hugs and kisses and bright futures.
Until their mask slips, and I see them for what they really are. And were. And always shall be.
But, it ... hasn't really happened with her. I mean, she broke up through text and I didn't see that coming. I didn't see her giving up like that without at least us having a face to face conversation about it. But I think she just felt like I couldn't change. Or wouldn't change. And that she wouldn't want to be the one to ask me to change.
Though I have.
Tremendously.
I have decided at this point, that she is going to have to read my blog when I give her those tickets. I want her to understand who I actually am. That I was never full of shit in the early times of us being together. I meant every word I said. I am the same man she became "infatuated" with.
That word.. ugh. Infatuation basically means, "I used to have strong feelings for you, but they were obviously wrong ones to have, and they're gone now."
Such a stab in the heart.
But, I can't fault her for anything except the lack of communicating her feelings to me about how things were going in our last month. It bothers me, a lot, to know that she spent years being with abusive and emotionally neglectful men, and yet, she could only barely make it to the six-month mark with me.
I have, and still do, feel like complete shit.
I must have really been an asshole, without realizing it.
It's a new day, morning right now, sun is coming through the windows and I just finished having a chi tea latte as I'm typing. Listening to 80s music. My phone is blinking blue, which means there's a text or message waiting for me to respond towards. Could be Justin, or one of the girls I've dated, or it could be Jennifer from eHarmony, a kindergarden teacher around my age who doesn't have children and sent me questions yesterday.
I don't know what's in store for me as I sit here. It's an uncertain future. But...
I'm not too scared of it.
And I think...
That's all I can ask for right now.
Off I go.
