Some quick facts:
Age: 38
Children: 1
Pets: 2
Education: English degree
Occupation: none
# of dates we've been on: 0
# of times we've had sex: 2
# of times we've argued: 32,023,120,128,193
Arriving at her place near Whyte, I ended up staying from 6:30pm to 5:30am the next day. A ridiculous amount of time, but then again, I haven't seen Gyngie in over 7 months and we had a lot to catch up on.
One thing I like about this woman, is that our conversations are effortless and fun. I think a big contributor to how well we get along, has more to do with my not feeling any pressure being around this girl.
Why? Well, I'm just not attracted to her. I have no.. interest, in being anything more than friends, however many times she had indicated her feelings to me otherwise.
Its very interesting when I meet people like her in life. Gyngie and I hit things off big time, on OkCupid, during a time when I was absolutely sick of dating and needed a break from it. She was interesting, insightful, emotionally generous, well-read, enjoyed/appreciated writing and loved movies as much as I do. She's also a huge sentimentalist, and is the sort of person to pick up a quill or bang away at a typewriter; then to sit at a keyboard whenever she manages to motivate herself to write. She lives in the past, with feelings of nostalgia towards brighter days, and loftier notions. On her wall, she has pictures of Charlie Chaplin and Aubrey Hepburn. She also has an unhealthy obsession with this guy here:
Norman Reedus, aka "Daryl" from the Walking Dead.
When Gyngie told me she had an English degree, I knew I had to meet her. I was thinking in the back of my mind, before we had even met, that I would really like to be friends with this person, given that she was easy to talk to and could be of use in improving my writing, given her having a degree in the subject.
Plus, I was at a low point in my life. I didn't want to date anymore. I wanted something easy, with no pressure, and Gynger seemed like a perfect fit for me.
It also helped, that she was fat.
Yep. As our first "date" began to approach, Gyngie tried to warn me about her obesity.
But this is (part) of what I said to her first,
"I'm treating dating not as trying to find the woman of my dreams, but as a way of going towards that goal. I believe that every person I meet, only makes me better and more prepared for what comes down the road. Life is short, and I'm not going to spend it dreaming and wishing and writing people off because they don't fit the picture in my head of who I think the right person is for me. I try and keep myself as open as possible."
Translation: I'm not interested in dating right now.
I then ask her if she'd like to meet, given that we were exchanging morbidly obese (sorry) messages online, and thought we would get along well in person. She began prepping me for the meeting.
I'm not going to post her entire message, but here is a choice excerpt,
"I should also say that the weight is something I am working on...but it's not an overnight fix."
Okay, so she at LEAST is trying to lose weight. That's fine. I can respect that. I'm not a shallow person, and I already liked her and found her worthwhile.
Then the bomb drops,
"Well I am over 240 pounds. so I feel like that is leaving us in not a fantastic place."
To which I said,
"Who cares. Where would you like to go?"
I really am not a shallow person, and I meant it.
So, we meet at a Boston Pizza in Sherwood Park where I see this large woman kind of standing between parked cars, at night, obviously feeling self-conscious about herself and.. Well, this is what she asked me next:
"Are you disappointed?"
Me: "yeah, a little bit."
Heh. I have no tact when it comes to being honest sometimes. She asked me straight up, and I told her the truth.
Since then, we have hung out at each other's places. Having conversation. Watching movies. The next month was my birthday, so Gyngie brought over an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen (my favorite) with sparklers and a, hmm, bag of pop rocks. She was, and still is, a sweetheart.
We've exchanged Christmas gifts, birthday gifts in the two years "together" and though I had repeatedly said I did not want to be in a relationship, there were several moments where she pushed the subject onto me, causing all kinds of hurt feelings and drama, etc.
The reason why I didn't want to be in a relationship, is not only because I thought we were sexually incompatible (obviously), but also because I couldn't respect her. In the two years I've known her for, she did not have a job. She was not as much of a writer as she initially claimed to be, and she had borderline personality disorder to go along with periods of depression and anxiety in her life.
I couldn't respect her, because she seemed to have stopped trying. She did not make much of an effort to move forward in life. To get a job. To write. To lose weight like she claimed she wanted to. She was living off of disability, and was content to stay inside and hardly ever go out.
She was.. a hermit, basically, sliding off into a dark abyss.
And I couldn't respect how complacent she was. How she just "gave up" on herself.
But a part of me takes a great sense of satisfaction in improving the lives of others, so I took it upon myself to help her. To cheer her on. When she finally went on a diet months later and hit a particular milestone; I had sex with her as a form of incentive to keep going. Didn't enjoy it. But I knew she would, and that maybe it would propel her along.
How wrong I was.
Instead of sticking to her diet, Gyngie threw everything out the window and blew money on a brand new TV rather than to focus on weight loss. There were these shots she was taking, that costed around $400 a month, that she turned her back on.
Again, I can't respect her.
But, I have to admit, that I do really care for her. She's a sweet, kind soul, but a broken one. A soul that had almost no willpower or faith in herself enough to change. No matter what I threw at her, no matter what advice I gave, no matter how much support I was giving; none of it seemed to make any difference. And that should have been expected, since it doesn't matter how good advice is, if the person getting the advice, has no intention of acting on it.
No desire to change, and only the desire to sabotage herself.
So, I couldn't respect her. And that, to me, is a dealbreaker when it comes to any kind of relationship beyond just being "friends".
Anyways, so.. from around October of 2014 when we first met, to.. I believe August of 2015; I did not date or see anyone else. Gynger was all I had, as far as female companionship went. I really did not want to date. I had a long string of disappointments prior to meeting her.
I was content with this situation. But she was not. She wanted more. And I don't blame her, because we had always gotten along so well together.
But, no matter how many times I told her that I didn't want "more" and that I couldn't respect someone who gave up on themselves, that I didn't find her attractive "in that way" and that she deserved to be with someone who wasn't reluctant about giving affection and love, and appreciation and all such things; I still couldn't erase that bit of hope she kept alive, thinking that we would someday become boyfriend/girlfriend.
And I also, couldn't bring myself to end things with her. One of the assurances I gave her, before we met, was that I wouldn't leave her "holding the bag" and wouldn't run away at first sight. I liked Gyngie. I liked our conversations. I love her spirit. I love who she truly is deep down inside, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings by walking out the door and leaving her behind.
We've never gone out. Ever. We've never eaten at a restaurant, and despite us having first met at Boston Pizza, we didn't go inside. The only other time I saw Gyngie "outside" was when I saw her waiting at a bus stop, as I walked down Whyte Ave. That's it. We've never had a "date".
Last night, in the long hours of conversation we were engaged in, we talked about many subjects. My relationship with Gina and how I planned on letting her read my blog/give her the tickets, to which she said:
"Why bother? She broke up with you through text."
and I said,
"Because I love her. And if there's a 5% chance of getting her back by doing this, then its better than a 0% chance. Right?"
She couldn't argue that logic.
She then told me about the relationship she is now in, with a guy named Stephen who lives in Idaho. A guy she met online while playing poker. He's a garbageman, hasn't had a relationship in 8 years and thinks the world of Gyngie. Apparently, they will be meeting each other early next year, and she has been telling me how great of a relationship they have.
I felt bad for her. It's long distance. It probably won't work out. Not when they meet up, and maybe.. well, maybe he will be thinking the same thing I thought when I first met her.
It sucks. I really want her to be happy. To stop living in isolation. To move on and to write and to have faith and to hope and feel alive and all such things that I kept trying to encourage her towards.
Well, maybe it will work out, but I don't know.
I had to "break up" with Gyngie early this year. The main reason, was because of the relationship I had going with Cassandra, who.. well, was the first truly "bad" person I have ever been involved with.
I'm not going to go into detail about Cass, but she robbed what little faith I had in women. I could not believe that such liars and sociopaths were out there, and yet, she was.
So, in Janurary, feeling really down and bled out; I went to see Gyngie, for the first time in months, with the hope that she will help restore my faith in women again.
She did not. When I told her all the details about Cass, she did not look at me with sympathy, or pity, or concern.
Instead, she laughed. And then made the point of reminding me that "love" was standing in front of me all along, and that I was too stupid to grab onto it.
"Love" meaning, her.
I was disgusted. In that night, with me being at my worst, I felt disconnected from her. She didn't "get" me. She was only looking out for herself. She did not offer me a shoulder to cry on.
And cry, I did. As that evening progressed, I had to fight back tears. I then had it in my head, that I would walk out her door, and never see her again.
.. But in the days that followed, she texted me with an apology. Still, the damage was done.
And a month later, she invited me over.
It was the same night that I was to be meeting Gina for the first time.
The interesting thing about that evening, was that I didn't expect to like Gina. I thought it would be another disappointing date, and that I would go to Gyngie after it was done, and complain about the women I have been meeting.
That did not happen. Instead, as Gina and I hit things off, I..
I felt like there was something there.
I found the courage in myself to tell Gyngie that I wouldn't be coming over, and in the days that followed after meeting Gina; I managed to break it off with us. For good.
.. So.. (sighs) .. this.. blog entry feels sloppy and not very well thought out. I'm not happy with how I'm writing all this, and the only reason I am, is because if Gina will be reading my blog, she is going to be reading this, and she deserves to know the details of this "year and a half" relationship that I for some STUPID reason, decided to mention right after she broke up with me.
I don't know why I even brought that up. But I did. And I have to take responsibility for it. I was never in a "relationship" the way Gina.. you, thought I was. I did not.. want Gyngie, in the way that I wanted you. I did not feel the feelings for her, that I feel for you.
You're.. you're..
(sighs)
I'm not going to even say it. Because I don't think you will say it back to me, Gina. And I don't want to be hurt, or to feel like an idiot.
Though I am.
Anyways..
Yeah.
