Like swatting a fly bare-handed, I managed to figure out at least one of the causes behind my elusive "Oh, God" moments.
Regret.
And this is no superficial observation to be making. Had it not been for my last post, I wouldn't have caught it immediately afterwards. But as I was playing on my phone, a deep-level thought popped in of Gina and the sensation it produced was regret, so there you go. Mystery solved.
That makes sense. Regret I didn't get to do enough with her. Regret that I can't win her back. Regret that I never met her kids. Regret that I took her for granted in our last month. Regret, regret, ragrets.
However you spell it.
Alright, so now what? For six months.. (mentally calculates) six and a half months now; I've been feeling variations of regret. Having almost imperceptible thoughts about my ex which triggers this response. Well, there's nothing I can do about it. I can't make it up to her. I can't get her back. Nothing I've done has worked, and she...
She's moved on.
So, I'm living in the past. A past filled with the dozens upon dozens of faces I have met, on dates, in the hopes of finding the perfect relationship. Even if such a thing may not exist.
Gina was as perfect as it got.. But..
I don't know. Maybe there will be others like her..
Fuck, man.
I have a hard time believing it.
She set the bar so high, that...
Well...
It's not impossible to believe.
She's out there for me, somewhere.
*sighs*
Or so I tell myself.
Mm.
Time for bed.
