Hoo boy, what a tough time I'm having at the moment listening to the last phone conversation I had with Gina where I'm falling to pieces and trying to keep myself together, and its just ugh. It randomly came up on my phone while listening to my music library on shuffle. I didn't want to listen to it at first, but I felt as if something told me to keep listening.
I'm thinking about deleting it. I can barely understand some of what I'm saying, and its just this huge.. ramble.. this disgustingly vulnerable man pleading for.. something.. that he doesn't actually believe he will get.
(sighs) .. Still listening as I type this blog post. I really should delete it. But at the same time, it's.. me. It's who I am. My vulnerabilities on full display. My weakness. My sadness.
The whole of my being.
I find it interesting that for whatever reason, I decided to get a call recorder app on my phone. Not sure why, and.. well, the conversations I've been having with Fola lately certainly seem to warrant being archived for whatever reasons...
Phew..
Gina is making sense in this conversation, but at the same time, there's something.. off about her.
A part of me is glad that it ended, but another part of me knows it had to happen, and I pretended like it didn't matter. That I still wanted to hold on, to make her feel differently.
So much cringe. I really hold onto her with a vengeance.. or onto hope, I guess.
I really.. man...
I hate how she says, "infatuation" when it comes to describing how... we had..
Oh man.. she's so evasive in the conversation about exactly why she ended things so abruptly, and through text. I still don't know the reason for it.
I may never will, I suppose.
So I guess its over.
There's no path that I can see, that leads me back to her.
And after meeting Fola, I realize that I need a woman who believes in me, and Gina certainly didn't.
Theres actually a strange lack of sympathy from a woman who I thought was very compassionate and sympathetic, and willing to wait and try to bring out the best in me.
I'm at the part now, where we're both silent before I told her about how I'm the "octopus".. heh.
And she laughed. So sad...
But, I was honest. And I don't think she was. She certainly was going off of a script, where I wasn't. And she wasn't about to expose her vulnerable side just because I was.
That's an interesting observation, I'd say.
What kind of a human being would break up with someone the way she did?
And she completely missed the point of the letter I sent her, about my ex, Lauren. Such a stupid over-reaction. "I was disgusted"
If I was a vengeful person, I would keep Gina's texts and this phone call I recorded and somehow share it down the road. Not on a massive scale or anything, but with some other person. For whatever reason.
"I don't know why you keep them" she says. And the reason is, is that I want to learn from history, and from my mistakes. She's telling me that I need to learn to "let go" and I think that's the wrong idea. You shouldn't let go of history, otherwise you could repeat it.
"I was horrified" she says.
What a joke. She wasn't horrified unless she was..
Unless she's an idiot.
"Why didn't you listen to the cd?"
"Because thats why I needed to do."
Doesn't make any sense.
She liked it when I surprised her with an Easter bunny at her doorstep. Loved it, actually. And if she didn't want to talk to me, or see me in person to give me the closure I needed, then what other option was there but to leave her ..
Ugh.. I'm turning this off. She's now freaking out about Gyngie, who I told Gina that I was still "with" when we first met. Despite the fact that I haven't seen her at all during the time Gina and I were together. For almost six months.
Okay.. This conversation feels dangerous to me somehow. Can't explain what it is, but while I do want to archive it, I realize now that I don't need it for the reasons I once thought I did.
I've learned from this, and I won't forget it. Don't need a recorded conversation of our last phone call together to remind me.
This blog post is enough.
Gina is an idiot, plain and simple. She wasn't who I thought she was, and the way she acted with me was the way she "wanted" to act with me. It wasn't who she actually was.
She is not as sympathetic and compassionate as I hoped her to be. Not spiritual either, and definitely not patient or understanding and willing to work through our differences.
Yep.
She's...
Not the one for me.
And I wrote her into my will, because I thought if anyone could benefit from my stuff, then it would be her. She's not well off financially, and I'm sure a little help would be better than no help at all.
Even if my death is what will be behind this "help".
Now, that's a dumb thought.
Despite it all though, I still see the glimmer inside of her. That potential. But, the moment she stopped believing in me was the moment she gave up on the idea of love.
The moment she gave up on herself, too, because I could have given it to her.
In overflowing buckets.
As much as she could carry or would want.
And, I think.. well, she knew this, and for the reason that I don't know and might never will, decided it wasn't worth the effort of trying.
So, she stopped believing in me.
And now, I must stop believing in her.
The cord has almost been severed completely. I just have two items of her left in my living room that needs to be..
Thrown out, I guess.
Or given away.
That pink rubber duck she got me, and the Hawaiian hulu dancer bobblehead thing.
Those scarecrows still in my garage.
Mm..
She's still listed as my beneficiary at the union hall. But until someone more deserving comes along, I guess I'll leave it the way it is.
I don't think Gyngie deserves much, should I pass prematurely from this world.
She wouldn't read any of my books, I don't think. Might not like my cds.
Clothes wouldn't do anything for her.
And any money given, would simply be tossed into a void and be somewhat unappreciated, I'm sure.
Hmm. I know she would like my record player though, and my records, but thats about it. Oh, and my laser light projector upstairs.
Well, we'll see what happens down the road. Things change all the time. New surprises around every corner.
It's been an interesting journey so far.
Fola is walking next to me on the path I need to be on.
And that's the most meaningful and appreciated thing I have going at the moment.
There is a plan for me, and for her.
And we've found each other.
Who knows what the future will hold, though.
Life has a habit of swatting me down when I fly too close to the sun.
Let's try and keep that from happening this time, ok?
Whoever is responsible, I mean.
Or whatever.
I've had enough heart ache.
Time to find love.
And maybe, maybe I've found it.
Guess we'll find out.
Onwards.
