Stumbling, stumbling along and to me that is progress.
I didn't feel like posting up anything on the blog, but within the first ten minutes of the season two finale of Mr. Robot; I felt that I had to get a few things off my chest. I couldn't enjoy sitting around watching television with constant distractions that needed to be accounted for.
This morning, as I woke up and checked the windows as usual, peering outside to see if there was life still on this planet and that everything was okay in my neighborhood; I noticed footprints in the snow on my sidewalk, leading to the door. Since I woke at around 1030am, I must have slept right through whoever was knocking.
When I first saw those, I put my detective skills to use. Was it the person who dropped off the weekly local paper? No, I didn't see the paper there. Was it a door-to-door salesman or a Jehovah's witnesss that I get from time to time?
No. And this is the part where I'm kind of confused about.
You see, in my driveway there were tire tracks. Someone parked, got out of the vehicle and walked to my door. So, it was someone who had to have known me, if they would park where they did. Except, if I missed seeing someone that I knew, I surely would have heard of it afterwards. A text, a phone call, something.
But there was no clue as to who that could have been. Wait a second.. (flash realization)
Okay, I've just came in from checking, the footprints are slightly smaller than my own. No heels. Look like boots, or flat soles. Hard to tell gender, but it could possibly have been a woman given the size and shape.
And oddly enough, there is a fake tree that I have to the right of my door; buried within its leaves is a stuffed Kermit the Frog that visitors can see, but only if they are standing there and looking directly at him.
He is no longer there.
Could it have been this person who arrived, that took it? Or was it taken awhile ago? I don't know for sure.
In any case, someone drove up to my house, parked on my driveway, likely rang my door and left. And didn't tell me who they were, or left any kind of note.
It's interesting. Only one set of footprints, so its unlikely to be salespeople or door-to-door because they often come in pairs and they don't park in someone's driveway.
And.. I kept thinking as I'm watching Mr. Robot; what if it was her?
My ex?
I know its such a long shot, and there is no reason for her to be there that I can think of which would be believable; but it is a possibility.
And.. goddamnit.. The possibility torments me.
And.. today was rough. I thought of her a lot. Without meaning to. Again, more feelings of regret flooded through me. I couldn't help any of it. Couldn't plug the hole of the dam with any of my fingers. It just came pouring out in waves.
So much regret. So much sadness. So much loneliness.
I'm surprised I haven't cried over all this today, but as I'm typing, I can feel waterworks threatening to start.
There's other things I could talk about, such as my visit to the doctor today about a rash and things related to that; but these kind of events aren't all that interesting to me.
And my book, also, seems to be such a struggle to keep up with. Although I did put some work into detailing some of my characters today. I gave them each a photograph of how I envisoned them, and attempted at writing out an outline, since up till now (55k words), I haven't outlined a damn thing really, and its all been freeform.
*sighs* .. I have a lot of anger buried in me that I'm not good with getting out. I had the brief idea of going into my basement and screaming at the top of my lungs, but I know my neighbors would hear and freak out.
I need some form of catharsis, but I don't know how or what it needs to be. Other than to find a woman that can distract me from this pain, if even for a little while.
Why.. *sighs* why do I .. measure my happiness this way? By being with someone?
I guess its because relationships are important to me. Intimacy is important. Having a frank conversation is important. Expressing my thoughts and listening to someone express theirs, is important to me. And exciting. And desirable.
And needed.
So...
Yeah.
I have to remember that Trent Reznor once felt pain like this, when he wrote "Something I Can Never Have" on his album Pretty Hate Machine. Lots of people have felt pain like I do right now.
Except for me, it is a bit worse. A bit different, too. Was Reznor already in a relationship with that girl? Or was he pining after someone who he was never involved with?
The difference is important, when it comes to finding a song or story that mirrors my situation. Because until it does, I can only think that I'm pretty unique in how this all came about.
I fell in love with someone after she left me. Not before. Not during. After.
And.. it transformed me. If even for a brief while.
My blog is proof of that. I'm glad I posted as much as I did during that period.
So..
Anger. Anger at myself. Regret...
It's such..
*sighs*
It's such a burden to carry.
Particularly when it seems like my prayers aren't being heard.
So, there is no recourse for me. No closure. No.. tieing up of loose ends. No reason to be hopeful, and yet I remain hopeful still.
Because that is just the way it has to be. I can't give up. I have to go on.
With or without her.
I wish my resolve would eclipse my torment, so that is why I have been trying. Stumbling, to be precise. Stumbling towards fulfillment.
Anything to.. mask the pain. To make me feel deserving of having it gone from me. Casted off a cliff, and never to be seen again.
I don't want to imagine her dating other men. Being with them. Smiling with them. Joking with them. Having sex with them. Having them meet her kids.
I don't want to imagine it, but its likely to happen, anyways. At some point in time.
She's..
*sighs*
Fuck.
I love that woman.
I love her and..
There's nothing I can do about it.
Just suffer.
And today a new pattern emerged after my "Oh, God" moments spontaneously erupted at various intervals. The pattern is responding with, "keep suffering David."
As if it was something I deserved.
I don't deserve it, and yet I wonder if maybe I do.
But.. I acknowledge that I am suffering. And have to learn to let it go somehow and...
It sucks.
But...
Life has to go on.
Suicide is so far from my mind, that I'll never consider it. I'd rather suffer than to throw all this away. This opportunity of life. And a chance to make something of it.
So.. I stumble along, and hope for the best.
It's all I can do.
And.. wonder who it was that was at my front door this morning.
Letting my imagination get my hopes up.
*sighs*
What a loser I've become.
What a mess.
But..
I'm still going to keep trying.
For better or worse.
