Well, what an interesting week it has been, mainly due to Fola whom I met on Friday in person for the first time.
Texting every day, pretty much all day, and usually with something to say. I've come about to realizing that all of the questions she has been asking me about spirituality, my life, my personal experiences have added up to serve me with an opportunity. The opportunity to clarify my convictions, as I noted in the title of this post.
After meeting her and driving home, I started thinking about the rhyme and reason for us having found each other. I believe every relationship and interaction serves some sort of purpose, good or bad by way of perception alone, but purpose nonetheless. I haven't quite solidified what I think the actual benefits / reasons are to come from us continuing to pursue our relationship; but I've gotten some pretty good ideas of whats in store.
So again with her, she's "polyamorous" which I honestly think is somewhat of a selfish way of living, but it is not my place to make such judgements. In all the conversations we've had, one of them involved my mentioning how the past has molded me towards a particular kind of woman, and how I feel "groomed" towards a certain purpose, or understanding in life.
Still not sure what that is, but the progress is undeniable. There are these step by step "mutations" that have come about by way of past relationships and personal experiences, that changed my outlook and attitude, and values, etc, to the point where I feel more in "touch" with who I actually am, and more capable of serving my "purpose" whatever it will reveal itself to be.
Our first date, well, we met at a coffee shop, went to a New Age bookstore/shop, went to Tony's pizza, and then sat in the car talking for about an hour and a half.
Lots of talking. She smiled alot, touched my arm on occasion. Of course we had to make out at some point, and held hands. She stroked the top of mine while we were in the car, and I told her it felt really nice.
Mm, heh.
Dreamed about her the morning after, and she said she may have dreamed about me as well. She's really experiencing some strong physical reactions to having met me. Apparently her body was "vibrating" the morning after, and she felt "pressure" in her head just as I was about to text her. Implying that she somehow made a psychic connection with me of some kind. I still don't quite know what to make of all that. But its intriguing. Very intriguing, how we've been getting along up to this point.
She seems to think so too, as her husband called her "super" obsessed with me, and I can see why he was hesitant about meeting me in person. Apparently one of the rules they have, is that before they can sleep with other people, they have to meet the person that will be slept with before an okay is given.
Mm, yeah. So Fola tried to set that meeting up last night, but her husband was apparently intimidated by the thought of it.
Kind of funny, those polyamorous types I tell you. Wanting to have their cake and eat it too, right? Except in the situations where it looks like the cake is going to get taken away by someone else. Or enjoyed more throughly with someone else. So obviously, as much as they try and deny it; jealousy still remains a component of a polyamorous relationship. Even though her husband is married to her, and they both have a child; he still seems uncomfortable with the interest we've been showing towards each other.
Our make out session was okay, I didn't feel any sparks or anything, and that kind of disappointed me, because what I find attractive (exciting) is that thrill of initial discovery and physical intimacy, and it wasn't quite there with that kiss. But, I'm going to blame Fola mainly for that, only because of how casually she treats sex and intimacy in general. That's another problem with polyamorous types, they simply don't bring a sacred and respectful attitude towards sex and intimacy in general. They just want to get fucked. And fucked hard. (possibly while being choked and/or tied up and urinated upon)
So, there's obviously an intimacy handicap with Fola. That's not to say she is incapable of experiencing a deep and sacred bond with another human being, it only means she has not made it a priority of hers to explore.
Maybe this is a benefit she will incur from our relationship as it moves forward. Maybe that part of me will rub off on her.
I remember Kim, an ex from a few years ago who was into this bondage/domination thing and our best sex didn't even involve that stuff. It was the bond we had together that had her give it a 9.7/10 after we were finished. There's an emotional and spiritual aspect to sex that people seem to gloss over that makes the act much more enjoyable than to simply give into their primal instinct and disregard the potential expression of divinity within copulation that society (and porn) tends to sneer at and pretend doesn't exist or matter.
Intimacy. Sacredness. Sex. All powerful things, of course. It's well worth learning about.
And I think Fola and I might be on that path to learn more about these things.
About ourselves in general, and not just through sex.
So, I'm thinking that this is likely to be a short-term relationship, but I could be wrong. I at least have had the past experiences of being molded into a person that can handle something like this, where before, I would be jealous of her sleeping with other men, and unable to even consider sleeping with someone who is married. But, her husband has a girlfriend of his own, and has given her permission to step outside the boundaries of what a marriage is supposed to be enclosed by.
Thankfully, I'm single at the moment, not in a relationship with anybody and had I been married; it would've been a very difficult decision to pursue things with Fola. But it is well worth pursuing. There is some kind of energy between us that is crackling with a quiet fury, and I feel the thrill of being in a kind of teacher's role, where I tell her my opinions on the subjects she wants to know about.
All kinds. Astrology. Energy. Breath work. Chakras. Rituals. Tarot cards. Conspiracy theories.
And in the process of careful thought, I can solidify my opinions and subject them to scrutiny, so that if there is a criticism to be made of them, I can examine my convictions and amend or replace them. It's a valuable thing to have, a student, even though I am not exactly seeing her in that way, it seems to be the way it actually is.
I believe that a teacher must not refuse to teach those who wish to learn, and this is kind of an interesting belief to accept, because parts of me do not want to reveal all that I have learned, because a part of my ego has fought long and hard for all I have discovered about myself and the world around me. To have someone come along and scoop up the fruits of my labour without giving anything equally as valuable back in return? Hell no, my ego would shriek. She has to pay for it.
And in my contemplation, I've come to realize that I shouldn't be expecting payment and that I am actually already getting paid. Even though Fola has taken so much out of me, just her doing that, is giving me something valuable in return.
So, its really an interesting start to our relationship. This entire week has been one long maniac episode of obsession with one another, and it doesn't appear to be letting up anytime soon, either. She will be coming over to my house tonight, for the first time.
While I hesitate to predict the future of our relationship, I feel like I don't need to. I don't need to feel like I *have* to, and that's an interesting change in myself. In the past, I would always kind of see a new relationship and extrapolate what it would be like down the road. So as to assuage my insecurities and decide whether or not its worth going along with, and if I can get regular sex, or a good conversation, connection, possibility of marriage, kids, etc. With Fola, it feels like I don't have to. I'm just letting it be what it is. A boat floating down a river in the dark towards a destination that neither of us have much of an idea about. Our only job, is to keep the thing from flipping over and sinking to the bottom.
Long as we trust ourselves enough to enjoy the ride, we will, and we will end up much better for it.
Because that is what life is. A ride. A journey. Once we tire of it, Fola and I will move on and things will be different then.
If we tire of it.
I don't know. Again, no predictions.
With the amount we've been texting, and how hard it is for me to put her out of my mind; I couldn't put much thought into my book this week. That kind of sucks. But at the same time, she's the biggest focus of my life at the moment, and I would prefer to place as much of my energy as possible in a single direction, rather than split them up over different other things.
Focus.
I'm not sure what I will be learning from this until I learn it; but so far I'm liking it.
And I'm sure she does too.
Time to go clean up the place.
Got to impress the married woman thats coming over.
Hmph.
