Not much of a day to report on, and as a matter of fact, not much of a last couple of days either.
Well, there was Rogue One with Justin on Tuesday, but really, is that even important enough to remark on? The commercialization of my favorite science-fiction trilogy/series?
I think what is more worthy of being mentioned, is that widowed feeling I've been having today and last night. About her again, my ex, and..
Man, does it suck. Still thinking about her. It's still eating me up from the inside out. This kind of.. hole where things gush out, and I'm always having to keep my finger wedged inside so as to minimize the damage. Or the potential of damage, maybe, assuming that there hasn't been any.
Well.. (sinking feeling emerges).. *sighs* This is such a lame post already.. I feel like talking about specific things I've been feeling today, and I realize its basically the same old crap I've been dealing with for months now. Nothing special. Yesterday I had a few "Oh, God" moments when flashbacks of Gina and I came into mind. This whole reflex thing of (flashback) then "oh, God" as if..
As if God is going to do anything about it.
I find it interesting that in times of trouble or surprise, or great excitement; we tend to vocalize an "oh God" or "Jesus!" in response. Even among atheists, this is a common exclamation. Why is that? Because unconsciously we are calling for a witness, even if there are witnesses present. I think.. and this is my theory, that on some deep level, we are aware of a Divine Witness of some sort. Whether its God, Jesus, Allah or whom/whatever; that natural instinct to call out their names, seems to apply in my case as well, despite the level of awareness I have whenever I reflexively do the "Oh, God" thing. I'm always mindful of it after the fact, rarely during and hardly ever before. I don't realize I've said or thought that, until after it has been done.
But despite how common of a reaction that is, why does it trigger so frequently at certain times for me? Yesterday, I didn't dwell on Gina, I'd just.. I don't know. I'd be doing something around the house and a flash of *something* comes up related to Gina, and then the "Oh, God" appears; as if I am responding to some trauma, but no.. trauma has really been recollected I think.
Those moments are so fleeting and nebulous, that I have a hard time trying to think of just one of them to mention here. Again, even with my level of self-awareness; trying to analyze what feels like a strand of webbing that floats across your face and then gets wiped away; doesn't give much substance to really think about how it triggers an "Oh, God" response.
Here is my half-baked attempt at trying to describe a moment in particular. I'd be doing something around the house, and then.. a *thought* pops in of Gina. It doesn't have to be specific, just a thought about something. Her smile. The way she sang in the car that one time while we were driving to dim sum in a snowstorm. My not having met her kids. A flashback of seeing her profile again on OkCupid. That's all it takes, and then this sinking "Oh, God" reaction where I feel my heart getting squished enough for me to feel slightly saddened by.
Small squishes. *sighs* Such silliness. And today.. well.. Wait. I had the thought of wondering if these feelings are somewhat related to actual going-ons in Gina's life. I know.. I'm pulling the metaphysical/psychic/Akashic Field card on this one; but there is no explanation for why certain days are worse than others. Why certain days have a higher frequency of thinking about her, than others. Or the quality of the thoughts, too, seem to change and come about at random intervals. Some days its very subdued and doesn't affect me at all, and other days it just becomes relentless and although I'm trying to let it pass through me without repression or anger or emotion; its easier said than done. So.. Could these feelings be a reaction to something that is going on in her life? Has she met someone new that she is smitten by? Or is she in pain? Trouble? Stress? Is she thinking about me, and somehow I'm feeling the residual effects of it? Damn, I don't know, but I am very curious about this, however crazy it all sounds.
Here's the thing, though. There is weirdness in this world. There is something *psychic* out there that we can't really articulate or prove or have convincing evidence for. Basically, its the sensation of someone looking at the back of your head, and you turn around to see that someone was actually looking. Or perhaps, nobody was at all, but the feeling remained strong nonetheless.
It's not that I'm hoping for a metaphysical explanation to all this, but I bring it up because of the coincidences I've experienced in my life that seem to fall in line with theories like this. A lot of strangeness. A lot of.. maybes, and possiblys, and could-bes; that I'll never really be sure about.
Here's a recent example of what I mean. When Gyngie stayed overnight on NYEs, I had a dream about her. She wasn't even in bed with me, but I dreamed that she and this other girl were in the room with me. This other girl was a sultry redhead who seemed interested in kissing me. In the dream, she would move closer and closer to me, and I remember feeling nervous because Gyngie was there and I didn't want her to get mad or jealous. So, as this girl is coming closer and closer for a kiss; I look at Gyngie and see that she was smiling, therefore approving of this implication of a threesome happening with us. Unfortunately I woke up after that.
What was so unusual about this dream? Well, Gyngie had a dream about me too that evening. Sex related as well, and we didn't have sex. She dreamed that I was walking around fingering her (heh) and I had two roommates, and stopped fingering her once I introduced her to them. Both of my roommates were dressed as clowns, for some reason. Yeah, try and analyze that.
So, two people had sex-related dreams about each other in the same night. I find that interesting, and its not the first time I've had this happen to me either. My ex-friend Tina once wrote me an email about her having a dream about me, the same night I had one about her. Coincidence? Of course. But they also say that coincidences are Gods way of winking at you.
So, who knows?
And those are just the times when I've talked to people about their dreams. I'm sure there are many dreams that go unreported where I was involved, and that person who dreamed it may not have remembered it enough to tell me about. Or has remembered, and didn't bring it to my attention.
Perhaps, this kind of stuff is more common than we would think. Not just dreams, but shared feelings. Action/reaction. There is evidence of twins having a psychic bond between each other, as well as family members who are close to one another. Everyone has a story or knows someone with a story that involves a fantastic coincidence or "feeling" that turns out to be well-founded and prophetic.
Maybe in my case, this also applies. Except I don't know what Georgina is doing/feeling while I'm having these thoughts. If I knew, I could examine the correlations a little better.
Anyways, thats.. just one idea. Maybe the other is just the fact that I miss her terribly. And that I..
*sighs*
Same old, same old. I have to come to terms with the fact that I'll probably never see her again. But the "probably" is the part that I can't quite remove from my psyche.
Crystal and Lauren both went on to get married, and involved in happy relationships (so it seems), so.. maybe.. maybe Gina will too.
And given how I'm going to turn 40 this year; it seems like.. I've yet to really...
*sighs*
Yeah.. Well.. man.. trying to restore and keep faith is such a hard thing. I'm not getting any younger. I want to settle down. I'd like to maybe have kids. But there are other things that make me not ready for such a thing and... this.. feels like an unquenchable thirst. A yearning that I might never satisfy. This need of mine.. this want...
Do I deserve happiness? Would finding another Gina or getting back with Gina be the solution? Will it last for more than six months? Can I possibly be in a relationship for years? Will someone ever love me enough to want to put up with my shit for such a long period of time?
Apparently Gyngie does. And I'm so grateful for having her as a friend. Two years already, and she's still hanging out with me every now and then. And.. I'm learning from her what it takes to be in a good relationship, and how I must always try and be *myself* rather than become this restrained/walking on eggshells kind of guy who is cautious and suspicious. That's not who I actually am or want to be. But.. when someone really good comes along, I tend to look a gift horse in the mouth. For a long period of time, and I.. it takes me a while to become convinced enough by it for me to let my guard down.
And that's a big issue.
Well..
Now what should I write about..
Vibrations. Okay.. this is.. well, I'm already kind of tired of writing, so I'll make it quick.
You can raise and lower your "vibration". And I'm not talking about just having a positive attitude, I'm talking about affecting your state of being in a way that is transformative. Even if it is temporary. I tried this today, and had some interesting results.
It didn't last long, but when it did, the difference was noticeable from how it usually is.
In my younger days, I used to call this kind of attitude, the "not giving a fuck" attitude; but its actually a little deeper than that. Possibly a lot.
There is a kind of weariness that a person can embrace, which elevates them, if that makes any sense. It turns darkness into light. It becomes magnetic, in a way. Drawing certain people and certain situations. Again, I'm tired and don't want to go into detail, but I'm writing about this to keep it in mind for later. For when I have a better understanding of what "raising" my vibration actually involves and how it might work/benefit me.
All things in time, I suppose. The answer to the question of how to deal with loneliness and depression seems to always be the same.
"Accept it, and keep moving forward."
Acknowledge the darkness, the sickness, the SUCK and just keep going. Keep pushing. Keep trying.
Know that it is there, don't hide from it. Don't mask it. But don't let it control you either.
Let it.. Allow it to be. It's there for a reason.
Embrace it as a part of you that you won't apologize for. That you won't feel ashamed about.
Know that it is there.
And keep pushing ahead.
That is what staying true to yourself involves. What authenticity involves.
You don't have to give voice to it. You don't have to complain to someone about your feelings. Just accept them, and deal with them yourself. But don't let them control or diminish you. Just know that they are there, and that they are a part of you. Just like these feelings are a part of everyone else.
You are not some special snowflake, and yet you completely are.
The contradiction is the truth that we can't ever comprehend.
Anyways.. Well..
Still lonely. Still missing her. But at least I've taken steps to working on my novel again. Cleaned up the office upstairs. Organized my hard drives. My Kobo. Downloaded Scrivener and set things up in there.
So, I've not lost sight of my destination. Although I am walking towards it with chains and manacles, stumbling but slowly moving forwards. Getting closer and closer.
It could take years. Perhaps my entire lifetime.
But the stumbling must be done.
Until the day I am free of restraints.
If I ever am.
