Second blog post of the day, but I had to write this one down.
So, after the last post, Fola and were continuing to text, and it grew into a pretty deep conversation. Well, from my end at least.
She asked me a simple question: "Why" when I mentioned how I lost most of my friends years ago due to the threesome that drove a wedge between us all. My friendships were on a downward trajectory anyways, so, that really was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Somehow, I got really worked up about this subject. Because of how flippant she was, and how seemingly insensitive she was to the massive amount of psychic pain I had to experience during that time.
"lol, my friends left me because I was spiritual and poly, so whatever"
..Was pretty much her reaction. That irked me. My experience was deeply profound and painful to deal with. I felt this torrent of words coming out, kind of probing her a bit, and discovering that she hasn't really faced any hardships or challenges in life like I had.
I tried giving her advice. To really explain myself. But, I don't know if any of that has had much of an effect.
I'm sure it has, but I wonder what it will cause to happen down the road. As far as our relationship goes. And develops into.
I already know that I am doing all this for a reason, and that my words are the right words to be said at the right moment in time. I already know all that. But, that doesn't absolve me of the curiosity I feel behind the necessity of saying those things. If that makes any sense.
I've already accepted that these words escaped me, and there is no taking them back. I..
Well, I'm going to be brutally honest and say in this blog what I can't bring myself to telling her.
I'd like for her to be monogamous.
There. I've said it.
I don't agree with being polyamorous inside of a married relationship. Just don't. Maybe if she wasn't married, I would, but married? It feels hypocritical. Like, those vows her and her husband exchanged were pretty much meaningless. Well, if you get married by an institution that expects a monogamous marriage; what then, would make it okay for you to be sleeping with multiple other people? Even if you both agree towards it?
To me, that doesn't make any sense. Why bother with marriage? And even Fola admitted that had she could take back that decision to marry, she would.
So, that part is interesting.
Hmm.
I don't know. I'm.. involved with a married polyamorous girl because she is my soulmate, and we have something important to learn from one another. Er, I should say again, soul-something, because I don't know exactly what it is enough to label it the way it deserves to be.
Whew.. some conversation. Fola said she was angry, but.. you would be angry too when confronted with a hard truth. I think what she most had the problem with, was when I mentioned that her being poly would make sense because she has a great fear of being alone and rejected. So, I pointed out that she'll never confront those fears if she continues to sleep with other people, and always have a backup on hand for whenever someone tucks tail and run.
Perfectly logical reasoning I'd say, except that it made her angry, and that's probably the correct reaction for her as well. There were no surprises.
It had to happen the way it happened.
That's part of our journey, our evolution. For me to have said those things, and for her to be offended by them.
Guess she needed provocation. She certainly needs challenge, thats for sure.
But, for as much as she wants to improve herself, she still isn't brave enough to really throw herself into the ring. I may be making false assumptions about all this, being that I don't quite know her well enough yet; but I am circling the core issue that she is dealing with. I've got it corralled, and now I have to pick at it to see what lies underneath.
She said she's afraid of going to hell. Interestingly, she was relieved when I said that we make our own hell, as if I've given her an easy way out. That's not the case, as I explained further on that we each have an obligation to live according to the highest of cosmic principles. A justice that transcends our own flawed human notions of the subject.
So.. This all had to happen. I'm still in that place of not really knowing where this relationship is going. And I am well prepared to never see her again, should a day would come that she will reject me. My heart won't be so easily broken.
What really bums me out about the conversation, is how she thinks I'm going to spill my beans and cry into her arms in bed about all I've gone through. As if I'd ever do that with someone that I don't trust, or feel loved by. I was honestly offended by that. Good thing she apologized.
Mm.. What a life.
Ups and downs, all over the place.
That's the way it has to be, I guess. I need to accept that nothing lasts forever, and that if I really want the best for myself, then I have to be ready to deal with the possibility of losing certain things that are dear to me.
Don't get attached to anyone enough that you can't break free of the chains they've placed onto you.
"Never place your dreams in the hands of those that may destroy them."
Yup. That's my motto of the moment.
Hope things work out with Fola and I. I hope we emerge as better people for it.
I hope it lasts a long time.
But, we'll see if it does.
It's not just up to me, but to her as well.
Hmm.
Bedtime. Tomorrow is a new day, and new opportunities await. I'll be texting Fola again, and she'll be texting me. Who knows what'll happen. Anything can.
And I must be prepared to meet whatever it is.
And not place my dreams in the hands of those than may destroy them.
Because my dreams are all that I have left.
