Journey

Well, the moment of truth is soon to arrive, tomorrow morning at a McDonalds on the west side of Edmonton.

I'll be meeting Fola's husband Larry, for the first time.

So, this means a couple of things. For one, it means I have to meet the guy she is married to, and secondly, this means that once I do, Fola and I will have the (apparent) green light to have sex.

No pressure at all, really. Who am I kidding, right?

The last few days, heck, the entire time I've been talking to Fola has been a building towards something. What that something is, I don't quite know. Long term? Short term?

Will she ever leave her husband? Can she ever be monogamous? Could she fall for me? Will I fall for her?

Who knows. All I know is that tomorrow is the beginning of finding out the answers to all these questions, once I exercise a little patience.

I've found myself in the position of having to put into practise, everything I've learned up until now. In the past, certain experiences have molded me for this moment. For instance, had I met Fola a year ago, she would've been the first black woman I've interacted with in the romantic sense; and, I likely would not have pursued a relationship with her, since I had met Gina towards the end of January (I think). All sorts of small variables would not fit within the chemistry of the relationship we're presently enjoying. I needed to experience those things, when I experienced them; so that I could experience this, and be equipped to deal with this particular situation.

Things would be quite different, had the timing been off by just a small bit. A year earlier, a year later. Perhaps even a month, would've negated the possibility of Fola's and I's relationship developing the way it has.

Let me tell you, this is.. the most confusing and exciting thing I have ever been a part of. I don't know what to anticipate. I have no idea what I even want from this, other than to see where it will go. I have no idea about anything.

All I know, is that I must both lose control and hang onto it. I must surrender onto myself, and I must contain myself while doing it.

If that makes any sense.

That's the "path" that I am on at the moment. The journey of my lifetime. And Fola is walking right besides me. For how long, is a question probably not worth thinking about.

Like I said earlier, I am in the position of using everything I've known, to try and navigate such a strange situation. But, I feel brave, just for the mere fact alone that Fola and I have met. Prior to this, I wasn't really sure if soulmates was a thing that actually existed outside of overly-romanticized depictions of the concept, but now I am convinced they do. That doesn't mean I am.. hmm, going to fall heavily in love with a married woman and give up who I am, in order to be with her. It just means that I now know there is a purpose for me. A game that is being played out, and I am facing either a test, or experiencing the fulfillment of what I have most wanted in all these years I've been on earth.

The woman of my dreams. The realization of my fullest potential.

Interestingly, despite the obvious connection I have with Fola, I'm not actually sure if she is the woman of my dreams and the one I am meant to be with. It's a strong connection, like.. unbelievably so. No one else in my past has had this amount of chemistry with me.

So.. I'm not sure where this is all leading, but at least I'm sure that there is a purpose behind all that. And with the timing of having met her; I'm feeling certain that the purpose is a good one. For if my prayers have been heard and are being answered; then I must assume a form of benevolence is being acted out on my behalf. That is the only logical conclusion I can come up with, and the best mindset to have when navigating these uncertain waters.

My ego... is.. subdued, it feels. The part of me that is eager to hold onto something, and to cage it for myself; seems to have eased itself ever since Gina broke up with me. I tried to control that relationship we were in, by not being controlling. As odd as that sounds. But, obviously, I was controlling it. I was being overly-mindful of wanting to be on the best of terms with her. I wouldn't allow her to see my doubts and insecurities. So, in effect, I managed to hide the "dent" in the car I was trying to sell her, and I couldn't lie with conviction enough, to have her believe that I was who I said I was. Or who I appeared to be.

Because, I just don't trust most women. I really don't. And with Fola.. with the conversations we've been having.. I feel like I've taken trust to a level, that if she asked me a direct question, no matter how painful it would be; I would do my best to answer it as honestly as possible. But, I am also mindful that I should only reveal exactly what has to be revealed. Nothing more. There is a dance being performed, and the moment I go off into a kind of solo performance; is the moment the spell is broken. There is an ebb and a flow to all of this. A sacred rhythm of sorts, that needs to be respected and adhered towards.

An honesty that must be given.

So, yes. Soulmates do exist. And yes, everyone has a purpose should they be willing to surrender to themselves. But that is not such an easy thing to promote as far as a "tool" for living goes. Everyone is different. Everyone needs to hear different things, to experience certain things; in order for advice like this to be understood, appreciated and acted upon. There is no one-size-fits-all solution here.

Surrender to yourself, but be wise enough to know when your ego is getting in the way.

Be wise enough to know, not to demand a certain outcome. Or to act in a way that is not true to who you actually are.

Once these things are realized, the darkness of the forest you are wandering around in, is lifted, and the path you've been walking on, is illuminated. Sure, you can't see all that far in front of you due to all the branches and stuff in the way, but your feet aren't straying, and you can clearly see where the next foot must be placed.

So, that's the trick. Putting one foot in front of the other, and not worrying about the predators in the woods. Or being lead astray. As long as you stay on the path, you're safe, because something benevolent has put it there for you.

Even if bad things do happen along the way.

I'm almost 40 years old. I'm unmarried. I don't have kids, and I spent much of my adult life wondering when I would have these things. There has been moments of profound depression and desperation and agony and loneliness and all manner of terrible things that caused me to question my faith in God, and the faith I should have in myself.

Even in my darkest moments, when I would openly curse God, I recovered from these tantrums and realized that the faith I have is much too deep to simply let go of. Even in the greatest of despairs, there always was that thing inside of me, that knew everything was going to work out. Maybe I would have to suffer for years before things work out, but at the time, I couldn't see that far ahead. I had to accept the sufferings like a person locked away in solitary confinement, unable to know what day it is and when he/she will be released.

If they ever get released.

Faith is a powerful thing. I feel certain now, that there is a path and that there are soulmates. And accepting these two things, lead to other things. Higher intelligences. Higher selves. The grand design of it all.

It points to God's existence, is what it does. And if not God, then at least something similar.

Even if it is his counterpart. Because if his counterpart can exist, than so can God. So can a variation or opposite deity can exist as much as an evil one could.

But, I don't think evil is behind all this. It feels like merciful grace, in a way. Even though I am hesitant about putting too much happiness and excitement into the moment I am experiencing right now. The connection I'm having with this girl.

Despite how wonderful and magical it all seems, I seem to sense that abandoning my wits is not the right way to go about receiving these gifts. I will not surrender my skepticism, or rather, my caution; for I have done this many times before, and none of the results have had pleasant outcomes.

But, they certainly made me into the man I am today. Equipped and ready for battle. To fight for every inch of my territory, in the easiest and most natural manner possible.

And that is how all good things must be revealed and lived through. Inside of a natural and flowing manner. Inside of ease, and contentment and joy, and effortlessness.

One thing I must try and accept at the moment, is that nothing is set in stone. Everything is fluid. I must accept that although I have met this person, and obviously she and I have a part to play in this drama; I must also accept that it may not last. And won't, either, since physical death is inevitable.

So knowing that it is transitory, is going to be important. My ego wants permanent gratification, permanent happiness, and my soul is like, "these things may not be good for you." which is something I agree with. Quality over quantity. All things in moderation, etc.

And, I get that. I understand it.

But, its not easy finding someone or something worth loving; and being comfortable with having it go away. To disappear, and never return. That is the toughest part of anything anyone can ever do. To find true love, and to lose it.

Forever.

Attachment. I see what the Buddhists have been saying. Let go of attachment.

Hmm.

Live in the moment. Day by day. Minute by minute. Follow both your head and heart to lead you to where you must go.

Try to never allow one to override the other. There is a balance that must be honoured and upheld. As difficult as it is to maintain, it is also fairly easy, once you fall into the habit of doing it.

Walk in-between the raindrops. Trust in your ability to do so.

Turn your life into a living miracle.

But be smart about it. Know what you're dealing with. Know yourself well enough to understand how to keep yourself from being influenced by the shrieks of a selfish ego, a shadow self, other people, the media, etc. Learn to read between the lines and make informed rational decisions, in an intuitive kind of way.

Let go, and hold on.

Hmm.

Tomorrow is the day.

For better or worse, the outcome will not affect my beliefs.

Long as I keep my beliefs intact, they will do me no wrong. They've led me to this point, haven't they?

And there is no such thing as coincidence. Everything has a reason and a purpose for being. Even inanimate objects, as well as living ones.

That makes sense.

Well.

Here goes nothing.