Well, I've just gotten off the phone with Fola and boy have my perception of her changed.
I already knew she was poly, and that she was involved in a sexual relationship with a guy and a girl, in addition to her husband, but man.. in the words of Han Solo, "I've got a bad feeling about this."
First of all, I judge people by certain criteria that has reliably demonstrated itself by way of both intuition and observing how they react to certain things.
In this case, Fola asked me what we should be doing on Friday, and I invited her over to my house.
"Your house?!" she exclaims with surprise.
Yeah, not a good sign. I believe that if someone was genuinely interested in you, then they would bring that optimism along with them to a first meeting. They wouldn't be expecting the worse, which is what Fola's reaction implied. She feared the worst, meaning, she doesn't trust me.
So, if she doesn't trust me despite our conversations and our texts and the connection we've been having; then she.. isn't really serious about making a connection.
It's not just this either, but a pile of other small clues that add up to the conclusion I've come up with. Fola is bad news. She sent me a link earlier today to an article about "self-love" and asked me what I thought of it. After telling her, I then asked if it was applicable to her, and inquired as to what her interest in it was.
She didn't really answer, so I think she is that type of person the article was talking about. Narcissistic. Vain. Psychopathic.
Mm.. What a disappointment. I would have been willing to excuse her polyamorous ways should she be a thoughtful and kind and compassionate individual; but I don't think she is any of those things.
But she wants to be, and thats the amusing part. She's fascinated by me and wants to pick me apart for her benefit.
Well.. The best way to deal with someone like this, is to give them as little information as possible.
If she plans on using me, whether she realizes it or not, then I will be prepared.
I won't be used.
I don't need sex that badly to compromise my dignity with. Not going to part with that, that easily, given how much I've suffered this past year relationship-wise.
I miss my baby doll. Sure, we didn't have any deep conversations about spirituality, but she was a good person. She invited me to her house on the same evening when we first met.
That says something. It tells me that she is a good person, and worthy of being trusted.
To a general extent.
However with Fola.. well, this doesn't appear to be going in that direction. But perhaps it might, I don't know.
I just know she enjoys picking my brain and finds me attractive. Just not attractive or interesting enough to trust, I suppose.
Mm.. This isn't a deal breaker to me by any means, its only an indication. I think for a situation like this, Fola has to be approached with caution. I cannot show eagerness or excitement now. She would only be using it against me, for leverage.
Because, she hasn't reciprocated as much as I have been. Sure, she can talk all she wants about sex and how she likes this or that, and how exciting golden showers are; but the fact that she is unwilling or hesitant to bare her true self; well, that sets off alarm bells in my head.
If she has something to hide, then so do I.
My secrets, my intimate thoughts deserve someone who appreciates them. And reciprocates on a level close to mine, at least.
Fola ended the conversation saying she was at a friend, and I was pretty insulted to hear how she hemmed and hawed when I brought up how I felt for her to end the conversation with the thought of her getting fucked by some other dude.
"Have a good evening," she told me. I was kind of insulted by that, although I know she didn't mean anything bad by it. It just means that my evening is going to be occupied with a particular thought.
Her having sex with someone else, after having "used" me on the phone for a brief spell of entertainment.
No consideration, really. And I was under the impression she was going home from work, not going to get laid. She didn't mention that until the very end, rather than earlier.
Eh, who knows. I read deeply into things, and I haven't really concluded anything just yet. Other than to conclude that the list of cons for continuing on with her seems far longer than the list of pros would be. Would I benefit from a relationship with her? Even if it wasn't sexual?
That part is doubtful. I don't know, but the odds aren't looking too pretty at the moment.
Well.. rant over.. So much for getting my hopes up. The giddiness I've felt earlier today and yesterday have pretty much evaporated.
She wants to be a spiritual person, she wants to pursue spiritual ideas; but she also wants to all that while being selfish.
Not going to happen, unfortunately. You can only mimic and bluff your way to a certain point before you realize you were only pretending the entire time, and that your identity is based on false assumptions and fulfilment of ego.
A rock cannot be a twig, no matter how hard it pretends to be.
But I believe people can change. And I'm open to seeing if Fola will end up surprising me. But I still get the sense of being used, and if we have sex, then.. well, I will definitely feel used, since I doubt she is the giving kind of person in bed.
She's a taker, that's for sure.
Makes sense.
So.. shields up.
This is going to be quite a test.
