Today was different, as I have been sick since yesterday with a bit of the flu I think it is.
Odd by itself, since I've actually gone for years without being sick, up until last October. Hmm.
So, different day today. Fola and I didn't get to text very much due to how busy she was but she did manage to squeeze in an hour to meet me for coffee at Starbucks, so that was alright.
Yeah, soon as she walked in the door, my eyes lit up. There was this brief fraction of a moment where our eyes locked, and this.. flicker passed. I don't know if its mutual or what, but in that tiny instant it felt like..
My goddess had arrived.
And the smile I had couldn't be suppressed no matter how hard I tried. Which didn't matter, fractions of a second and all that.
It's funny how I'm thinking of her as my goddess, because a part of me is finding no disagreement with it for some odd reason. I'm well aware of how I react to certain statements, and that I can discern what is true and what is false by paying close attention to myself; and in this case, I really do think she is my goddess of sorts.
Heh, I am so setting myself up for a long, dark fall if I turn out to be wrong, but I don't think I am. And I don't think I will fall, either.
Fola asked me about what I said last night regarding us going to Arizona, and I told her bluntly that I wasn't sure when the right timing would be, and that no, I don't plan "far ahead" like she suggested. I haven't made a single plan regarding it at all.
Just a knowing, is all.
Despite our time together these past few weeks, I still get a sense of skepticism from her. As if a long-term relationship is a bit of a stretch of the imagination. Not sure why that is, because I feel it could be long-term. If we both try.
So far, we are, and so far, its working well.
Since I was feeling under the weather, our.. hmm.. our chemistry was a bit different today. No tingles, or.. Well, spiritual stuff I guess? Other than that brief moment we exchanged before she sat down.
I'm starting to.. no, I'm trusting my higher self on this now. Even though our conversation was effortless and fluid, and I stroked her hand.. well, there was something missing in all that. Attraction, maybe I guess.
Like, raw sexual energy pulsing between us. 'Twas shan't be there, I says.
And that's kind of interesting. Because although sexual attraction is usually the lifeblood of the beginning stages of a relationship, and it sure is with us, it seems like there is a deeper attraction at hand that we aren't quite able to pin-point just yet.
I know that when I stimulate her intellectually, she gets aroused. And she knows that when she flirts and compliments, I get aroused.
Hmm. All part of the process of learning about each other I suppose.
Tomorrow evening she is coming by to spend the night with me, and I'm pretty excited. Going to have to wash off all the dried body fluids off my sheets before she arrives. Probably will have to break out the chisel to hack off some of the bigger pieces, too.
I jest, obviously, and today I was a bit more biting and offensive than usual.
Strange because I wore my Snoopy tshirt that says, "Authentic Dude" and figured I was in a low-key laid-back mood. Not quite.
Ah, Fola. My soul-something-or-another.
I found out she actually has a long ass first name that even she could barely pronounce.
Something like, Obufolauwaska. Quite a mouthful. No wonder she never uses it.
I also saw a few of the texts her father sends her, and I was pretty floored. The dude is a hardcore Christian fundamentalist. I mean, HARDCORE. As in sending biblical verses and lecturing her on how to not turn over to the dark side, and similar topics. Could almost hear Vader breathing behind those words he sent.
Phew. Some upbringing she's had. That's intense. No wonder she's poly. The tendency to rebel is strong with this one.
I would actually like to meet her dad one of these days, just for curiosity's sake. See if I can argue with him on these topics and have him come around to a more sensible outlook. But I doubt it would be easy. And it certainly wouldn't be happening on the first try.
But, I would be eager to try, for sure. I know the Bible. I've read the New Testament, and flipped through to the interesting stuff in the Old. I have a few verses memorized, and I generally have a good understanding of it all, since I was raised Catholic.
That needle in the haystack analogy again, hmm. Not sure how effective it would be to disperse around a hardcore Christian fundamentalist though.
As Bruce Lee said, dripping water can wear away a stone. And that is pretty much how it would have to be, particularly when a deeply entrenched belief system is involved.
People can't change overnight, thats for sure.
But people can change, after all. Leah Remini is proof of that. Listened to a bit of her on Joe's podcast earlier today. Girl is.. courageous and.. tragic all at once. You can tell that there is something that is damaged within her, but good luck figuring out what that might be.
Shame, I had a big crush on her in King of Queens. One of my favourites.
She actually managed to toss Rogan for a loop a couple of times, throwing him off his game for a few seconds. I thought that was amusing. It's not often you see that happening. Jordan Peterson is a great example of a knight coming to joust and finding a court jester staring back at him all open-mouthed and wild-eyed, it was kind of similar to what I saw today.
Hmm. Something about Rogan does bug me though, like with Remini, I don't know what that is either. And I've listened to hundreds of his shows.
Wouldn't want to see what skeletons he has in his closet, thats for sure. Dude probably has his wife poop on a coffee table while he watches from underneath, or maybe the other way around. I have no idea, but there is something off. And I admire the guy for the most part, too.
Well, then.
Tomorrow is a new day.
A new beginning.
A new dawn, a new life.
Yada, yada.
Good things are coming.
Every day is an adventure.
Monday, January 30, 2017
The Dancing Sphinxes
The reason why I'm not jealous or possessive of Fola, is because I know no one else can make her feel the way that I do.
Pretty simple, really.
Despite the fact that she is engaging in sex with at least two other guys, and a girl.
Hmm. Never thought I'd be able to accept someone like that. Whore is a harsh word, and I refuse to apply it as a label towards her. But I sometimes wonder what is the correct label to be using.
Or the way she should be.
Fola describes herself as "sex positive" and to me, that kind of means, "I can have sex with whoever and whatever I want, as often as I want" which basically means.. Hmm, there's that whore word coming up again, but she's not that. I think a whore is someone who charges for sex, Fola does not, nor would she ever, I don't think.
But is that the thin line that divides her? Hmm.
A whore not only does it for money, but also is willing to disrespect themselves. Again, Fola isn't that, I don't think. But.... She did share with me that she has a fear of being alone, and of being rejected, so perhaps she is willing to disrespect herself in exchange for another person's validation.
And then there is the matter of how much she respects the sacredness of the act itself. Whores usually don't, and I'm not yet sure if she does or doesn't. If it's all entirely about her own pleasure, the pleasure of her partner, or both..
Again, time will tell where she fits among the terminology and archetypes that I use.
She's a curious lady, that one. Earlier last night (I don't know why I got up at 5am, sheesh) I was asked a question about ley lines, and that all segued into us taking a trip to Arizona someday. Ostensibly to check out the vortexes.
Funny thing, when I told her that we were going to be going there eventually, I was as surprised as she was, and not surprised at all, if that makes any sense.
That statement, "Fola and I are going to Arizona" doesn't ring any kind of alarm inside of me, telling me that it is a false statement to be making. It came out true to me, because it is.
It's going to happen. How? When? Why? Questions I don't have the answers to, but I feel that they will be answered at some point or another.
Funny how I thought of Arizona at that particular moment. Why Arizona? I still remember how in 2009 when I was walking six or so hours from Fort Sask to Edmonton, in the middle of a warm summer evening, I looked at a particular star in the south and had this conviction that something in Arizona was calling to me. Not only that, but days earlier, I was at a gas station in Manitoba where this old fellow on a motorbike stopped to have a conversation with me. He brought up Arizona as well, for no particular reason.
Other small reminders during that bit of a spiritual quest I was on, seemed to indicate that I was to go there someday. At the time, I was wondering if that meant immediately, as in within the next few weeks or months; but, it's 2017 and almost 8 years has passed since I had those experiences.
Fola asked if aliens could reincarnate, and I said yes. It makes sense that they would. Life is everywhere in the universe. Why would only one planet be the host to all of it? Why would souls be trapped in the one location? Didn't make any sense. But hey, I could be wrong. I'll always allow for an amount of doubt in everything I believe, so as to make room for new possibilities and evidence.
When I mentioned to her that I believe aliens to be Archons; I kind of felt something being triggered during this moment in our conversation. Especially when I teased her about her being a goddess, and she responded with, "I am a goddess".
I was like, yup. Yes you are. And again, no alarm bells going off inside of me.
She's my goddess. And I'm...
Heh.
Not going to say those words, because I refuse to take responsibility for their implications.
I'm just like everybody else. More flawed than most.
And so is she.
Another thing that I found interesting, is how she is helping me build my personal philosophy up by asking me all those questions. Like I mentioned a few posts ago about her clarifying my convictions. With her questions, I find that I'm starting to identify where my strongest points are in the beliefs that I have. The stuff that I feel most absolutely certain of, and the stuff that I don't feel certain much about at all. It's extremely helpful for us to be having this dialogue. She is helping me filter out the raw material of my mind into something polished and refined.
I definitely do appreciate that, and so does she.
So, I'm still not sure what we are yet. Soulmates, true mates, twin flames, whatever.. I think this area is still undeveloped and misunderstood. Read an article about twin flames earlier in the day, and I didn't feel like it was accurately depicting what twin flames are. Maybe by its definition, it is accurate, but it is leaving the emotional maturity out of the picture and assumes that we will have unbridled passion and extreme emotional turmoil between the two of us, because regular people aren't able to be objective and self-aware enough to keep themselves from falling to pieces.
Regular people, I must add. We're not regular people, unfortunately.
Or fortunately. Depending on how you look at it.
Regular people don't get to have nearly as much fun as we do.
I'm starting to think of drawing simple analogies and parallels to help describe my set of beliefs. One of them, is to conceive of our world as it was presented in The Matrix. In regards to the "Archons" or aliens if you would rather; they could be considered the Agent Smiths of our planet/solar system/galaxy/etc. And not only would they be Agent Smiths, but they would be Oracles as well. The anti-thesis of an Agent Smith.
Always a balance, don't forget. The "Neos" of the world, are the ones that have woke up. Except it is critical, not to wake up completely, otherwise you will upset the structures of power on this planet. You would in effect, be inviting an invasion of your own city of Zion should you become a harmful and disruptive influence on the rest of us. Discretion is key. Never be preachy. Don't upset the unspoken rules and laws of our world just because your ego seems too large to be contained by it.
In essence, you are in jail and you must make peace with it until you can leave. Even though the damn door is open, and you could walk out anytime you'd want.
When can you leave? Hm. It's different for everyone, I suppose. Everyone has their purpose and reasons for being here. Everyone has their obligation to fulfil. You'll know when you achieve them.
Another good analogy is to think of all this like a video game. As avatars that we control (higher self), we navigate ourselves through various levels. Facing a boss at the end of each one. Succeed, and we move onto the next. Fail, and we start over. But not at the very beginning, only the beginning of the level that we are having trouble with.
Aliens/Agent Smiths, could be seen as the "mods" of the game we're playing. Think Warcraft in this respect. Moderators walking about with certain privileges, performing certain tasks.
Yeah, that all makes sense to me. What evidence do I have for all this? (pulls out empty pockets)
I could go into a boring list of "facts" as gleaned from various sources, but they would still all be speculative. Gnosticism brings in the Demiurge idea, and while I would be stating a fact; the idea of the Demiurge itself is merely a concept. No "proof" there, other than it having been mentioned by a source outside of myself.
Even reincarnation is a bit iffy of a thing to prove, but I believe it absolutely. Can't offer much else other than speculative "facts" as well.
I suppose we all know what the truth really is, but the veil of forgetfulness is a sticky thing to remove. That's why I pay close attention to some of the "facts" that I speak about. Such as reincarnation. Does a part of me flinch or withdraw, or feel uncertain? If so, then it's probably not true. Or it is true, but requires further clarification/research/understanding/etc.
That's my methodology for sniffing out the "facts" of esoteric, metaphysical concepts. Just pay attention to the stirrings inside of myself. Anytime I feel something is wrong, or contradictory; than it most likely is.
But when it comes to aliens and I don't feel a twitch or hesitation.. well, I've stumbled upon a truth, and it's up to me to further develop and explore it. Attach other truths to it. Extrapolate from there and build up a system of belief that all clicks together perfectly.
A piece here, a piece there. Buddhism, Taoism, Judaism.. You get the idea.
Imagine if in every book, there was only one nugget of truth in it but it was surrounded by 90% bullshit. How would you know what is true? You would have an interesting time of trying to figure that out.
And whats worse, is the people who would take a book like the Old Testament and believe the whole damn thing. Nuh uh. The whole damn thing isn't true you know. As I said, this is the world where 90% of everything in a book is bullshit, so what do you do now?
People tend to approach a haystack, see or know that there is a needle in there, and then not bother looking for it. Too much work. Instead, they put up a barricade around the haystack and say, "this is my haystack!" and advertise that they've found the "truth" in this one pile. They don't want to go to other piles and collect other needles. Again, too much work.
Kind of like having a cookie with a single chocolate chip in it. Too many people refuse to break that cookie up into pieces and just take the chocolate. They'd rather hang onto the entire thing. And they get protective of it too sometimes. Oh, do they get protective. If you point out all the brown stuff around their single chocolate chip and question them, they get defensive. They don't know what the brown stuff is. They just know there is a chocolate chip in there someplace, and that's all they're happy with. The rest of the cookie, well, it comes with the package. It's odd, but they won't question it. They don't have faith enough to do so.
Too convenient just to believe in one thing, and then not have to bother with anything else at all. I've got an anchor now, so what more do I need, right? Negative. Spirituality is a process of evolution, it is not contained in a single book or idea. It's scattered everywhere. It has multiple layers and meanings and forms.
Unfortunate really. Those people who are spiritually lazy could be intensely passionate about the one thing that they believe in. Kind of an odd hypocrisy to live with, in my opinion. You have to admit that with so many different systems of belief, even if one of them is right and the rest is wrong; then you have some crazy odds going on. You better hope you picked the right one.
Anyways.. Yeah. New day. Not sure what I'll be doing. Texting Fola, obviously I guess. That much I know.
Hmm. Maybe do some reading. Music, for sure.
I'm starting to feel like a slob. An unemployed loser, now that February is around the corner. Which would make it since November since I've had a job. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. I'm living off my line of credit, so I'm not too worried yet, but I also understand I can't do this forever. I need to make a living at something that I would enjoy and feel good about. Insulating is not it. I know that deep in my heart, but I don't have any other options at the moment as far as making money goes. I don't even like the idea of needing to make money. Weird, I know.
So, I'm trusting my higher self on this one. I know there is a plan in motion, and that financial issues will be addressed at some point. For good or bad, we'll see. Maybe bankruptcy will be an option, I don't know. Maybe I'll win the lottery, I don't know that either. Or maybe something or someone will come along and guide me to a new path where I'd find a new kind of job, and be happy with that.
I don't know either.
Interestingly, I have no urge right now to be working on my novel. And that's okay. I enjoy not having the stress of writing that thing on me. It feels good. And I kind of know why I'm not putting much effort into it, its because thats not the kind of novel I should be writing. Do I want to write it? Absolutely? Do I want to finish it? Yes, of course. Do I expect it to be any good, or good enough to make a lot of money from? I don't know. I hope so, but I'm not going to put all my dreams in that one basket.
Money shouldn't be a motivator, but unfortunately the world we live in makes it a necessity, so..
Oh well.
It's a new day, a new life and I'm feeeeeeeeeeeelinnnnnnggggg...
...good.
Pretty simple, really.
Despite the fact that she is engaging in sex with at least two other guys, and a girl.
Hmm. Never thought I'd be able to accept someone like that. Whore is a harsh word, and I refuse to apply it as a label towards her. But I sometimes wonder what is the correct label to be using.
Or the way she should be.
Fola describes herself as "sex positive" and to me, that kind of means, "I can have sex with whoever and whatever I want, as often as I want" which basically means.. Hmm, there's that whore word coming up again, but she's not that. I think a whore is someone who charges for sex, Fola does not, nor would she ever, I don't think.
But is that the thin line that divides her? Hmm.
A whore not only does it for money, but also is willing to disrespect themselves. Again, Fola isn't that, I don't think. But.... She did share with me that she has a fear of being alone, and of being rejected, so perhaps she is willing to disrespect herself in exchange for another person's validation.
And then there is the matter of how much she respects the sacredness of the act itself. Whores usually don't, and I'm not yet sure if she does or doesn't. If it's all entirely about her own pleasure, the pleasure of her partner, or both..
Again, time will tell where she fits among the terminology and archetypes that I use.
She's a curious lady, that one. Earlier last night (I don't know why I got up at 5am, sheesh) I was asked a question about ley lines, and that all segued into us taking a trip to Arizona someday. Ostensibly to check out the vortexes.
Funny thing, when I told her that we were going to be going there eventually, I was as surprised as she was, and not surprised at all, if that makes any sense.
That statement, "Fola and I are going to Arizona" doesn't ring any kind of alarm inside of me, telling me that it is a false statement to be making. It came out true to me, because it is.
It's going to happen. How? When? Why? Questions I don't have the answers to, but I feel that they will be answered at some point or another.
Funny how I thought of Arizona at that particular moment. Why Arizona? I still remember how in 2009 when I was walking six or so hours from Fort Sask to Edmonton, in the middle of a warm summer evening, I looked at a particular star in the south and had this conviction that something in Arizona was calling to me. Not only that, but days earlier, I was at a gas station in Manitoba where this old fellow on a motorbike stopped to have a conversation with me. He brought up Arizona as well, for no particular reason.
Other small reminders during that bit of a spiritual quest I was on, seemed to indicate that I was to go there someday. At the time, I was wondering if that meant immediately, as in within the next few weeks or months; but, it's 2017 and almost 8 years has passed since I had those experiences.
Fola asked if aliens could reincarnate, and I said yes. It makes sense that they would. Life is everywhere in the universe. Why would only one planet be the host to all of it? Why would souls be trapped in the one location? Didn't make any sense. But hey, I could be wrong. I'll always allow for an amount of doubt in everything I believe, so as to make room for new possibilities and evidence.
When I mentioned to her that I believe aliens to be Archons; I kind of felt something being triggered during this moment in our conversation. Especially when I teased her about her being a goddess, and she responded with, "I am a goddess".
I was like, yup. Yes you are. And again, no alarm bells going off inside of me.
She's my goddess. And I'm...
Heh.
Not going to say those words, because I refuse to take responsibility for their implications.
I'm just like everybody else. More flawed than most.
And so is she.
Another thing that I found interesting, is how she is helping me build my personal philosophy up by asking me all those questions. Like I mentioned a few posts ago about her clarifying my convictions. With her questions, I find that I'm starting to identify where my strongest points are in the beliefs that I have. The stuff that I feel most absolutely certain of, and the stuff that I don't feel certain much about at all. It's extremely helpful for us to be having this dialogue. She is helping me filter out the raw material of my mind into something polished and refined.
I definitely do appreciate that, and so does she.
So, I'm still not sure what we are yet. Soulmates, true mates, twin flames, whatever.. I think this area is still undeveloped and misunderstood. Read an article about twin flames earlier in the day, and I didn't feel like it was accurately depicting what twin flames are. Maybe by its definition, it is accurate, but it is leaving the emotional maturity out of the picture and assumes that we will have unbridled passion and extreme emotional turmoil between the two of us, because regular people aren't able to be objective and self-aware enough to keep themselves from falling to pieces.
Regular people, I must add. We're not regular people, unfortunately.
Or fortunately. Depending on how you look at it.
Regular people don't get to have nearly as much fun as we do.
I'm starting to think of drawing simple analogies and parallels to help describe my set of beliefs. One of them, is to conceive of our world as it was presented in The Matrix. In regards to the "Archons" or aliens if you would rather; they could be considered the Agent Smiths of our planet/solar system/galaxy/etc. And not only would they be Agent Smiths, but they would be Oracles as well. The anti-thesis of an Agent Smith.
Always a balance, don't forget. The "Neos" of the world, are the ones that have woke up. Except it is critical, not to wake up completely, otherwise you will upset the structures of power on this planet. You would in effect, be inviting an invasion of your own city of Zion should you become a harmful and disruptive influence on the rest of us. Discretion is key. Never be preachy. Don't upset the unspoken rules and laws of our world just because your ego seems too large to be contained by it.
In essence, you are in jail and you must make peace with it until you can leave. Even though the damn door is open, and you could walk out anytime you'd want.
When can you leave? Hm. It's different for everyone, I suppose. Everyone has their purpose and reasons for being here. Everyone has their obligation to fulfil. You'll know when you achieve them.
Another good analogy is to think of all this like a video game. As avatars that we control (higher self), we navigate ourselves through various levels. Facing a boss at the end of each one. Succeed, and we move onto the next. Fail, and we start over. But not at the very beginning, only the beginning of the level that we are having trouble with.
Aliens/Agent Smiths, could be seen as the "mods" of the game we're playing. Think Warcraft in this respect. Moderators walking about with certain privileges, performing certain tasks.
Yeah, that all makes sense to me. What evidence do I have for all this? (pulls out empty pockets)
I could go into a boring list of "facts" as gleaned from various sources, but they would still all be speculative. Gnosticism brings in the Demiurge idea, and while I would be stating a fact; the idea of the Demiurge itself is merely a concept. No "proof" there, other than it having been mentioned by a source outside of myself.
Even reincarnation is a bit iffy of a thing to prove, but I believe it absolutely. Can't offer much else other than speculative "facts" as well.
I suppose we all know what the truth really is, but the veil of forgetfulness is a sticky thing to remove. That's why I pay close attention to some of the "facts" that I speak about. Such as reincarnation. Does a part of me flinch or withdraw, or feel uncertain? If so, then it's probably not true. Or it is true, but requires further clarification/research/understanding/etc.
That's my methodology for sniffing out the "facts" of esoteric, metaphysical concepts. Just pay attention to the stirrings inside of myself. Anytime I feel something is wrong, or contradictory; than it most likely is.
But when it comes to aliens and I don't feel a twitch or hesitation.. well, I've stumbled upon a truth, and it's up to me to further develop and explore it. Attach other truths to it. Extrapolate from there and build up a system of belief that all clicks together perfectly.
A piece here, a piece there. Buddhism, Taoism, Judaism.. You get the idea.
Imagine if in every book, there was only one nugget of truth in it but it was surrounded by 90% bullshit. How would you know what is true? You would have an interesting time of trying to figure that out.
And whats worse, is the people who would take a book like the Old Testament and believe the whole damn thing. Nuh uh. The whole damn thing isn't true you know. As I said, this is the world where 90% of everything in a book is bullshit, so what do you do now?
People tend to approach a haystack, see or know that there is a needle in there, and then not bother looking for it. Too much work. Instead, they put up a barricade around the haystack and say, "this is my haystack!" and advertise that they've found the "truth" in this one pile. They don't want to go to other piles and collect other needles. Again, too much work.
Kind of like having a cookie with a single chocolate chip in it. Too many people refuse to break that cookie up into pieces and just take the chocolate. They'd rather hang onto the entire thing. And they get protective of it too sometimes. Oh, do they get protective. If you point out all the brown stuff around their single chocolate chip and question them, they get defensive. They don't know what the brown stuff is. They just know there is a chocolate chip in there someplace, and that's all they're happy with. The rest of the cookie, well, it comes with the package. It's odd, but they won't question it. They don't have faith enough to do so.
Too convenient just to believe in one thing, and then not have to bother with anything else at all. I've got an anchor now, so what more do I need, right? Negative. Spirituality is a process of evolution, it is not contained in a single book or idea. It's scattered everywhere. It has multiple layers and meanings and forms.
Unfortunate really. Those people who are spiritually lazy could be intensely passionate about the one thing that they believe in. Kind of an odd hypocrisy to live with, in my opinion. You have to admit that with so many different systems of belief, even if one of them is right and the rest is wrong; then you have some crazy odds going on. You better hope you picked the right one.
Anyways.. Yeah. New day. Not sure what I'll be doing. Texting Fola, obviously I guess. That much I know.
Hmm. Maybe do some reading. Music, for sure.
I'm starting to feel like a slob. An unemployed loser, now that February is around the corner. Which would make it since November since I've had a job. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. I'm living off my line of credit, so I'm not too worried yet, but I also understand I can't do this forever. I need to make a living at something that I would enjoy and feel good about. Insulating is not it. I know that deep in my heart, but I don't have any other options at the moment as far as making money goes. I don't even like the idea of needing to make money. Weird, I know.
So, I'm trusting my higher self on this one. I know there is a plan in motion, and that financial issues will be addressed at some point. For good or bad, we'll see. Maybe bankruptcy will be an option, I don't know. Maybe I'll win the lottery, I don't know that either. Or maybe something or someone will come along and guide me to a new path where I'd find a new kind of job, and be happy with that.
I don't know either.
Interestingly, I have no urge right now to be working on my novel. And that's okay. I enjoy not having the stress of writing that thing on me. It feels good. And I kind of know why I'm not putting much effort into it, its because thats not the kind of novel I should be writing. Do I want to write it? Absolutely? Do I want to finish it? Yes, of course. Do I expect it to be any good, or good enough to make a lot of money from? I don't know. I hope so, but I'm not going to put all my dreams in that one basket.
Money shouldn't be a motivator, but unfortunately the world we live in makes it a necessity, so..
Oh well.
It's a new day, a new life and I'm feeeeeeeeeeeelinnnnnnggggg...
...good.
Sunday, January 29, 2017
Dawn of the New Moon
A couple of days have passed since my last post, and the rollercoaster I'm experiencing with Fola is still dipping and diving and turning and climbing.
What strangeness. She really brings out my spiritual side, and the synergy between us is so that I feel perpetually uplifted, as if I've tapped into an unlimited amount of energy that flows through me, rather than being built up/discharged like it normally would be.
So, my last post described a bit of tension between Fola and I and I wasn't sure how that would play out the next day. Would it still be there? Lurking in the background, festering in the back of our minds and growing uglier and uglier by the minute?
Well, the answer to that, is it didn't fester. It wasn't forgotten, either, but all it took was Fola saying, "new slate" and that was that. Friday was one of the best days we've had for texting, period. We exchanged laughs, our favourite songs, got deep into a few metaphysical things.
Mm.. Also on Friday, I had stopped at the library to pick up this book called The Energy Cure, which I was intrigued about because the author was on the Higherside Chats podcast, and Fola is interested in Reiki (energy healing), so it made sense for me to put a hold on it. It didn't take long to arrive, and although I haven't read it, the universe decreed that I was to leave it at Fola's place on Saturday, so I did. Hopefully she will go through it and find something of worth for herself.
Saturday, I was over at her place and..
Well, this is the part that I'm.. kind of.. hesitant to talk about. But, when I came to her home and her sister was there, and her two-year old daughter Ivy, and Zoey her German Shepard; it really felt like I belonged with these people. That they were my family, in a way. Conversation was effortless. Sade had a great laugh and was easy to get along with. Ivy gave me a hug and a kiss at one point without my having asked for it. Even Zoey, her dog, who has a habit of barking like mad at strange men; managed to lick my hand and let me pet her at one point.
Fola's sister left shortly after breakfast, and we settled down on the couch. Ivy was watching Dora the explorer, and Fola and I kept touching each other off and on as we talked.
Eventually, Ivy had to take her nap, and thats when Fola decided to perform Reiki on me. Being that she is convinced that Reiki is the right path for her, and my curiosity was such that I needed to experience it for myself to see if it actually offered anything worthwhile.
Hmm. So, she lit up this bundle of Sage and a candle, and placed her fingers gently on my shoulders. I didn't feel anything. No tension, no "twitches", and as this was going on, I had to push the thought of "geez, this is boring" out of my mind so I could give the experience a fair chance.
It wasn't until Fola placed her hand a few inches away from my forehead, that I started to feel "something" happening. There was a definite heat coming off of her hand, which I wasn't too mystified by (or maybe it really was "energy"), and I felt a slight shifting around of my sinus blockage, being that I came in with a slight cold before we started this session. But it might not have had anything to do with what she was doing.
The most interesting part of the whole experience, was how I had an alien face pop into my mind as Fola was doing the hand in front of the forehead thing. Those almond shaped eyes, that oval face with yellow-white skin, and I was seeing a couple different variations of the archetypal alien. Just small flashes. And as this is going on, I was wondering what was the point of those images were. I thought that maybe this was my deepest fear being manifested or dredged up; but I distinctly remember being unafraid and more curious than creeped out. Another odd thought was, "is that me, that I'm looking at?" while an image of a typical "grey" stares at me from the abyss of my mind's eye.
Who knows man.. Whole thing with those images lasted for less than 20 seconds I'd think.
The rest of the session? Eh. I didn't feel any immediate benefit, thats for sure, There were no balancing of chakras, or anything esoteric that seemed to be a product of the experience. Honestly didn't seem like Reiki would be a good idea for Fola to pursue, but whatever, I didn't tell her that. Just my honest report about what I felt and experienced.
I think there is something to energy healing, but I doubt we've developed the right methods and understanding of how to best utilize it. I've had Reiki done to me before, and with this experience, it further cements my doubt on its validity as a healing method. Just a bunch of snake-oil horse shit. I really believe there is some obfuscation as far as energy healing goes, and its definitely present in the methods of Reiki.
Kundalini and all that, yeah.. Chakras, meridian points.. Don't know what to tell you man.. I doubt we understand a tenth of all of those subjects.
After the session, Fola and I went upstairs and fooled around in bed.
(sighs)
Yeah.. 100% convinced she's my soulmate/true-mate/whatever mate; and she agrees too.
Chemistry was unreal. She gave me oral, and I gave her oral, but decided not to straight up have sex because it would be our first time, and I would rather make our first time special and at my place, where I can get my lasers and fog machine and lights going. Yeah, I'm that much of a dork.
Still, the rituals are important. Atmosphere is as well. People don't seem to realize the unconscious elevation of one's psyche when it is in contact with a ritualistic atmosphere. There's a receptivity towards higher and greater things when you give sacredness to the environment and the acts being performed. That stuff is important and vital when wanting to connect to higher states of being. Extremely memorable as well, which is the point of my wanting to make our first time special.
Anyways.. It was 4:32pm when I began to book it out of there, since Fola's husband was going to be coming home from work at 5. She insisted that I didn't have to leave, but I wanted to. I respect Larry, her husband, and having him come home from a long day at work to see some dude fucking his wife; well, even if he's okay with it, I'm sure it would sting him in some deep place or another.
Don't know how these poly types do it, I tell you. I'm pretty sure that jealousy will enter the picture at some point, if it hasn't already, and I'm not talking about my personal jealousy which I honestly don't feel much of, I'm talking about her husband.
Some dude is texting his wife at all hours of the day, and has a chemistry with her that he doesn't have. Or can ever hope to have.
So, how can he be "okay" with that? Eventually something is going to break. Some kind of tipping point will present itself if things continue the way they have been.
And assuming that our relationship is going to get better and better over enough time together.
Yeah... This is the most interes.. Hmm.. is it the most interesting thing thats ever happened to me? Fola? I'm starting to think so.. I mean, its not often you find someone you have an instant connection with on some very deep levels.
Actually, I've never had anything with anyone else like I have with her. And how long have we known each other for? Two weeks? Geezus.
The future is so uncertain. As I parked in my garage and switched off the ignition; I felt the weight of loneliness come pressing down on me. It felt like I left my "home" and arrived to this.. place.. that pretends itself to be home. Abandoned my family, sort of thing. I admitted as much to Fola and she understandably was creeped out by it, but hey, I was honest, and told her that as well.
I'd love it if she was my wife, and Ivy was my kid and Zoey was my dog. Creepy? Yeah, okay. Go ahead and call it that, but its true. I would love it.
But again, if she was my wife, she would probably have driven me nuts if she wanted a poly relationship. Except, she only became poly a year or two ago; I'm wondering if that is because of general boredom with her spouse. Boredom she might not feel with me.
And yeah, creep factor high. I don't mean to sound like one, but I'm well aware that I do. I think it's important to understand where I'm coming from, and my blog is proof of how badly I desire to find the girl of my dreams and to perhaps have a child with her someday.
Well.
Kind of have something like that now, I suppose. Except its all.. part-time. It's not like I'll ever be able to live with her, unless something changes down the road.
Mm.
New day.
New moon.
New dawn.
I'm still walking the path.
What strangeness. She really brings out my spiritual side, and the synergy between us is so that I feel perpetually uplifted, as if I've tapped into an unlimited amount of energy that flows through me, rather than being built up/discharged like it normally would be.
So, my last post described a bit of tension between Fola and I and I wasn't sure how that would play out the next day. Would it still be there? Lurking in the background, festering in the back of our minds and growing uglier and uglier by the minute?
Well, the answer to that, is it didn't fester. It wasn't forgotten, either, but all it took was Fola saying, "new slate" and that was that. Friday was one of the best days we've had for texting, period. We exchanged laughs, our favourite songs, got deep into a few metaphysical things.
Mm.. Also on Friday, I had stopped at the library to pick up this book called The Energy Cure, which I was intrigued about because the author was on the Higherside Chats podcast, and Fola is interested in Reiki (energy healing), so it made sense for me to put a hold on it. It didn't take long to arrive, and although I haven't read it, the universe decreed that I was to leave it at Fola's place on Saturday, so I did. Hopefully she will go through it and find something of worth for herself.
Saturday, I was over at her place and..
Well, this is the part that I'm.. kind of.. hesitant to talk about. But, when I came to her home and her sister was there, and her two-year old daughter Ivy, and Zoey her German Shepard; it really felt like I belonged with these people. That they were my family, in a way. Conversation was effortless. Sade had a great laugh and was easy to get along with. Ivy gave me a hug and a kiss at one point without my having asked for it. Even Zoey, her dog, who has a habit of barking like mad at strange men; managed to lick my hand and let me pet her at one point.
Fola's sister left shortly after breakfast, and we settled down on the couch. Ivy was watching Dora the explorer, and Fola and I kept touching each other off and on as we talked.
Eventually, Ivy had to take her nap, and thats when Fola decided to perform Reiki on me. Being that she is convinced that Reiki is the right path for her, and my curiosity was such that I needed to experience it for myself to see if it actually offered anything worthwhile.
Hmm. So, she lit up this bundle of Sage and a candle, and placed her fingers gently on my shoulders. I didn't feel anything. No tension, no "twitches", and as this was going on, I had to push the thought of "geez, this is boring" out of my mind so I could give the experience a fair chance.
It wasn't until Fola placed her hand a few inches away from my forehead, that I started to feel "something" happening. There was a definite heat coming off of her hand, which I wasn't too mystified by (or maybe it really was "energy"), and I felt a slight shifting around of my sinus blockage, being that I came in with a slight cold before we started this session. But it might not have had anything to do with what she was doing.
The most interesting part of the whole experience, was how I had an alien face pop into my mind as Fola was doing the hand in front of the forehead thing. Those almond shaped eyes, that oval face with yellow-white skin, and I was seeing a couple different variations of the archetypal alien. Just small flashes. And as this is going on, I was wondering what was the point of those images were. I thought that maybe this was my deepest fear being manifested or dredged up; but I distinctly remember being unafraid and more curious than creeped out. Another odd thought was, "is that me, that I'm looking at?" while an image of a typical "grey" stares at me from the abyss of my mind's eye.
Who knows man.. Whole thing with those images lasted for less than 20 seconds I'd think.
The rest of the session? Eh. I didn't feel any immediate benefit, thats for sure, There were no balancing of chakras, or anything esoteric that seemed to be a product of the experience. Honestly didn't seem like Reiki would be a good idea for Fola to pursue, but whatever, I didn't tell her that. Just my honest report about what I felt and experienced.
I think there is something to energy healing, but I doubt we've developed the right methods and understanding of how to best utilize it. I've had Reiki done to me before, and with this experience, it further cements my doubt on its validity as a healing method. Just a bunch of snake-oil horse shit. I really believe there is some obfuscation as far as energy healing goes, and its definitely present in the methods of Reiki.
Kundalini and all that, yeah.. Chakras, meridian points.. Don't know what to tell you man.. I doubt we understand a tenth of all of those subjects.
After the session, Fola and I went upstairs and fooled around in bed.
(sighs)
Yeah.. 100% convinced she's my soulmate/true-mate/whatever mate; and she agrees too.
Chemistry was unreal. She gave me oral, and I gave her oral, but decided not to straight up have sex because it would be our first time, and I would rather make our first time special and at my place, where I can get my lasers and fog machine and lights going. Yeah, I'm that much of a dork.
Still, the rituals are important. Atmosphere is as well. People don't seem to realize the unconscious elevation of one's psyche when it is in contact with a ritualistic atmosphere. There's a receptivity towards higher and greater things when you give sacredness to the environment and the acts being performed. That stuff is important and vital when wanting to connect to higher states of being. Extremely memorable as well, which is the point of my wanting to make our first time special.
Anyways.. It was 4:32pm when I began to book it out of there, since Fola's husband was going to be coming home from work at 5. She insisted that I didn't have to leave, but I wanted to. I respect Larry, her husband, and having him come home from a long day at work to see some dude fucking his wife; well, even if he's okay with it, I'm sure it would sting him in some deep place or another.
Don't know how these poly types do it, I tell you. I'm pretty sure that jealousy will enter the picture at some point, if it hasn't already, and I'm not talking about my personal jealousy which I honestly don't feel much of, I'm talking about her husband.
Some dude is texting his wife at all hours of the day, and has a chemistry with her that he doesn't have. Or can ever hope to have.
So, how can he be "okay" with that? Eventually something is going to break. Some kind of tipping point will present itself if things continue the way they have been.
And assuming that our relationship is going to get better and better over enough time together.
Yeah... This is the most interes.. Hmm.. is it the most interesting thing thats ever happened to me? Fola? I'm starting to think so.. I mean, its not often you find someone you have an instant connection with on some very deep levels.
Actually, I've never had anything with anyone else like I have with her. And how long have we known each other for? Two weeks? Geezus.
The future is so uncertain. As I parked in my garage and switched off the ignition; I felt the weight of loneliness come pressing down on me. It felt like I left my "home" and arrived to this.. place.. that pretends itself to be home. Abandoned my family, sort of thing. I admitted as much to Fola and she understandably was creeped out by it, but hey, I was honest, and told her that as well.
I'd love it if she was my wife, and Ivy was my kid and Zoey was my dog. Creepy? Yeah, okay. Go ahead and call it that, but its true. I would love it.
But again, if she was my wife, she would probably have driven me nuts if she wanted a poly relationship. Except, she only became poly a year or two ago; I'm wondering if that is because of general boredom with her spouse. Boredom she might not feel with me.
And yeah, creep factor high. I don't mean to sound like one, but I'm well aware that I do. I think it's important to understand where I'm coming from, and my blog is proof of how badly I desire to find the girl of my dreams and to perhaps have a child with her someday.
Well.
Kind of have something like that now, I suppose. Except its all.. part-time. It's not like I'll ever be able to live with her, unless something changes down the road.
Mm.
New day.
New moon.
New dawn.
I'm still walking the path.
Thursday, January 26, 2017
Turning Point
Second blog post of the day, but I had to write this one down.
So, after the last post, Fola and were continuing to text, and it grew into a pretty deep conversation. Well, from my end at least.
She asked me a simple question: "Why" when I mentioned how I lost most of my friends years ago due to the threesome that drove a wedge between us all. My friendships were on a downward trajectory anyways, so, that really was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Somehow, I got really worked up about this subject. Because of how flippant she was, and how seemingly insensitive she was to the massive amount of psychic pain I had to experience during that time.
"lol, my friends left me because I was spiritual and poly, so whatever"
..Was pretty much her reaction. That irked me. My experience was deeply profound and painful to deal with. I felt this torrent of words coming out, kind of probing her a bit, and discovering that she hasn't really faced any hardships or challenges in life like I had.
I tried giving her advice. To really explain myself. But, I don't know if any of that has had much of an effect.
I'm sure it has, but I wonder what it will cause to happen down the road. As far as our relationship goes. And develops into.
I already know that I am doing all this for a reason, and that my words are the right words to be said at the right moment in time. I already know all that. But, that doesn't absolve me of the curiosity I feel behind the necessity of saying those things. If that makes any sense.
I've already accepted that these words escaped me, and there is no taking them back. I..
Well, I'm going to be brutally honest and say in this blog what I can't bring myself to telling her.
I'd like for her to be monogamous.
There. I've said it.
I don't agree with being polyamorous inside of a married relationship. Just don't. Maybe if she wasn't married, I would, but married? It feels hypocritical. Like, those vows her and her husband exchanged were pretty much meaningless. Well, if you get married by an institution that expects a monogamous marriage; what then, would make it okay for you to be sleeping with multiple other people? Even if you both agree towards it?
To me, that doesn't make any sense. Why bother with marriage? And even Fola admitted that had she could take back that decision to marry, she would.
So, that part is interesting.
Hmm.
I don't know. I'm.. involved with a married polyamorous girl because she is my soulmate, and we have something important to learn from one another. Er, I should say again, soul-something, because I don't know exactly what it is enough to label it the way it deserves to be.
Whew.. some conversation. Fola said she was angry, but.. you would be angry too when confronted with a hard truth. I think what she most had the problem with, was when I mentioned that her being poly would make sense because she has a great fear of being alone and rejected. So, I pointed out that she'll never confront those fears if she continues to sleep with other people, and always have a backup on hand for whenever someone tucks tail and run.
Perfectly logical reasoning I'd say, except that it made her angry, and that's probably the correct reaction for her as well. There were no surprises.
It had to happen the way it happened.
That's part of our journey, our evolution. For me to have said those things, and for her to be offended by them.
Guess she needed provocation. She certainly needs challenge, thats for sure.
But, for as much as she wants to improve herself, she still isn't brave enough to really throw herself into the ring. I may be making false assumptions about all this, being that I don't quite know her well enough yet; but I am circling the core issue that she is dealing with. I've got it corralled, and now I have to pick at it to see what lies underneath.
She said she's afraid of going to hell. Interestingly, she was relieved when I said that we make our own hell, as if I've given her an easy way out. That's not the case, as I explained further on that we each have an obligation to live according to the highest of cosmic principles. A justice that transcends our own flawed human notions of the subject.
So.. This all had to happen. I'm still in that place of not really knowing where this relationship is going. And I am well prepared to never see her again, should a day would come that she will reject me. My heart won't be so easily broken.
What really bums me out about the conversation, is how she thinks I'm going to spill my beans and cry into her arms in bed about all I've gone through. As if I'd ever do that with someone that I don't trust, or feel loved by. I was honestly offended by that. Good thing she apologized.
Mm.. What a life.
Ups and downs, all over the place.
That's the way it has to be, I guess. I need to accept that nothing lasts forever, and that if I really want the best for myself, then I have to be ready to deal with the possibility of losing certain things that are dear to me.
Don't get attached to anyone enough that you can't break free of the chains they've placed onto you.
"Never place your dreams in the hands of those that may destroy them."
Yup. That's my motto of the moment.
Hope things work out with Fola and I. I hope we emerge as better people for it.
I hope it lasts a long time.
But, we'll see if it does.
It's not just up to me, but to her as well.
Hmm.
Bedtime. Tomorrow is a new day, and new opportunities await. I'll be texting Fola again, and she'll be texting me. Who knows what'll happen. Anything can.
And I must be prepared to meet whatever it is.
And not place my dreams in the hands of those than may destroy them.
Because my dreams are all that I have left.
So, after the last post, Fola and were continuing to text, and it grew into a pretty deep conversation. Well, from my end at least.
She asked me a simple question: "Why" when I mentioned how I lost most of my friends years ago due to the threesome that drove a wedge between us all. My friendships were on a downward trajectory anyways, so, that really was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Somehow, I got really worked up about this subject. Because of how flippant she was, and how seemingly insensitive she was to the massive amount of psychic pain I had to experience during that time.
"lol, my friends left me because I was spiritual and poly, so whatever"
..Was pretty much her reaction. That irked me. My experience was deeply profound and painful to deal with. I felt this torrent of words coming out, kind of probing her a bit, and discovering that she hasn't really faced any hardships or challenges in life like I had.
I tried giving her advice. To really explain myself. But, I don't know if any of that has had much of an effect.
I'm sure it has, but I wonder what it will cause to happen down the road. As far as our relationship goes. And develops into.
I already know that I am doing all this for a reason, and that my words are the right words to be said at the right moment in time. I already know all that. But, that doesn't absolve me of the curiosity I feel behind the necessity of saying those things. If that makes any sense.
I've already accepted that these words escaped me, and there is no taking them back. I..
Well, I'm going to be brutally honest and say in this blog what I can't bring myself to telling her.
I'd like for her to be monogamous.
There. I've said it.
I don't agree with being polyamorous inside of a married relationship. Just don't. Maybe if she wasn't married, I would, but married? It feels hypocritical. Like, those vows her and her husband exchanged were pretty much meaningless. Well, if you get married by an institution that expects a monogamous marriage; what then, would make it okay for you to be sleeping with multiple other people? Even if you both agree towards it?
To me, that doesn't make any sense. Why bother with marriage? And even Fola admitted that had she could take back that decision to marry, she would.
So, that part is interesting.
Hmm.
I don't know. I'm.. involved with a married polyamorous girl because she is my soulmate, and we have something important to learn from one another. Er, I should say again, soul-something, because I don't know exactly what it is enough to label it the way it deserves to be.
Whew.. some conversation. Fola said she was angry, but.. you would be angry too when confronted with a hard truth. I think what she most had the problem with, was when I mentioned that her being poly would make sense because she has a great fear of being alone and rejected. So, I pointed out that she'll never confront those fears if she continues to sleep with other people, and always have a backup on hand for whenever someone tucks tail and run.
Perfectly logical reasoning I'd say, except that it made her angry, and that's probably the correct reaction for her as well. There were no surprises.
It had to happen the way it happened.
That's part of our journey, our evolution. For me to have said those things, and for her to be offended by them.
Guess she needed provocation. She certainly needs challenge, thats for sure.
But, for as much as she wants to improve herself, she still isn't brave enough to really throw herself into the ring. I may be making false assumptions about all this, being that I don't quite know her well enough yet; but I am circling the core issue that she is dealing with. I've got it corralled, and now I have to pick at it to see what lies underneath.
She said she's afraid of going to hell. Interestingly, she was relieved when I said that we make our own hell, as if I've given her an easy way out. That's not the case, as I explained further on that we each have an obligation to live according to the highest of cosmic principles. A justice that transcends our own flawed human notions of the subject.
So.. This all had to happen. I'm still in that place of not really knowing where this relationship is going. And I am well prepared to never see her again, should a day would come that she will reject me. My heart won't be so easily broken.
What really bums me out about the conversation, is how she thinks I'm going to spill my beans and cry into her arms in bed about all I've gone through. As if I'd ever do that with someone that I don't trust, or feel loved by. I was honestly offended by that. Good thing she apologized.
Mm.. What a life.
Ups and downs, all over the place.
That's the way it has to be, I guess. I need to accept that nothing lasts forever, and that if I really want the best for myself, then I have to be ready to deal with the possibility of losing certain things that are dear to me.
Don't get attached to anyone enough that you can't break free of the chains they've placed onto you.
"Never place your dreams in the hands of those that may destroy them."
Yup. That's my motto of the moment.
Hope things work out with Fola and I. I hope we emerge as better people for it.
I hope it lasts a long time.
But, we'll see if it does.
It's not just up to me, but to her as well.
Hmm.
Bedtime. Tomorrow is a new day, and new opportunities await. I'll be texting Fola again, and she'll be texting me. Who knows what'll happen. Anything can.
And I must be prepared to meet whatever it is.
And not place my dreams in the hands of those than may destroy them.
Because my dreams are all that I have left.
Yatta!
Well, we did it boys, everybody gather around for a high five.
Yeah, I met Larry, Fola's husband. And her daughter Ivy this morning at a McDonalds play place thingy.
Did you know they don't have a ball pit there anymore? Sheesh. Apparently kids don't enjoy picking up weird diseases anymore like I fondly remembered.
Hmm. So it went pretty good. Nothing amazing, and nothing too awkward, but Fola's husband seemed like a decent guy. He didn't make too much eye contact, or ask me any questions, but the vibe was natural and effortless enough. He shook my hand twice, and that's a pretty encouraging sign.
And Fola's daughter Ivy.. wow. I mean, what a beautiful little girl she is. Think of a slight mix between white and brown, and with blue eyes. She was peeking at me from behind a chair when I first came in, and I couldn't help but smile at her.
Must be nice to have a kid like her, I bet. Even if she can be a handful at times.
Hmm. So after that, I hit the mall, picked up a few things and noticed that this Goth-y/New Age place was closing down and everything was 50% off.
Fola gave me a few crystals the last time she was here, Ameythst was one of them, and this particular store, while it was half stocked, had a few things like that in there.
I ended up with a total of $172 and some cents after I picked out everything worth getting. Uhm.. Not particularly proud about that, because I wasn't expecting it to be that high. I did manage to convince the cashier to lower it down to $160, and he was nice enough to oblige. They were going out of business after all.
So, this is the funny thing. As I unpacked everything at home, I made little piles. One pile was stuff for myself, and the other, was a pile of things that I might give away to people at some point. Christmas, Birthday, random odd day, etc.
So, pile #1, which was mine, had incense and this body oil thing. Nag Champa scented, since Fola turned me onto this particular smell.
Pile #2, however...
Heh.
Somehow is all stuff that I'd like to give Fola someday.
Yeah.. $160 worth of goods, and maybe $30 of it was spent on myself.
I don't know what it was that compelled me to pick out the items I did, but I had this sense of "she'll like this" as I saw each of them, knowing that they were at 50% off.
A kneeling/prayer cushion. Teal coloured.
An incense stick holder.
Couple of necklaces / pendants.
A glow in the dark jellyfish encased in glass (just like the one I have, but teal/green)
A wooden box with a mandala carved onto it, containing a few stones/minerals/crystals that my keen eye picked out.
Uhm.. what else...
A journal, with lord Ganesha on the cover.
Yeah, so... Most of that stuff was for her, and I.. well..
Hmm.
Why? I have to ask myself, why did I spent this much money?
I guess the answer to that, is so I don't have to spend it later on. To go about town looking for things she might like, in case I want to give her a gift someday.
All of it is going into my closet, to be doled out at random and opportune intervals. No stress, no fuss.
Well, then.. I just hope we will end up being a long-term thing, otherwise I'm going to struggle with figuring out what to do with most of this if we break up somehow.
Hmm... Yeah, I like her. I like her a lot.
Just kinda want to make her happy, is all.
I haven't fallen for her just yet, but I can see it happening.
It's possible.
Although I know that maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should keep a clear head and continue on, walking the path that I've found myself on.
Mm.. No maybes about that. I *will* have to walk that path. For better or worse.
I'm coming about to realizing certain things about myself, and what my potential is, and its a nice feeling. Especially when I know that if I can get through a first meeting with a woman's husband like I did this morning; then other things would and should be a breeze in comparison.
I didn't let fear get the better of me.
And I'm pretty happy about that.
Watching episode two of Longmire on Netflix right now, not a bad show so far. I really like the detective stuff in it. Fola and I have been texting all day, and she's excited to see me again. Probably on Saturday, when she has her day off.
I can't help but think that life is good, right now, but I also know that it is really only the beginning. Whatever happens from here on out, is going to depend on how well I manage to hold onto myself.
And to know when to let go.
So...
No fear. No fear if I can help it, I guess.
So far, so good.
But I can't ever lower my guard, or grow too comfortable.
There is a future I am being propelled towards.
And I am excited to meet it.
Let's hope its as excited as I am.
Yeah, I met Larry, Fola's husband. And her daughter Ivy this morning at a McDonalds play place thingy.
Did you know they don't have a ball pit there anymore? Sheesh. Apparently kids don't enjoy picking up weird diseases anymore like I fondly remembered.
Hmm. So it went pretty good. Nothing amazing, and nothing too awkward, but Fola's husband seemed like a decent guy. He didn't make too much eye contact, or ask me any questions, but the vibe was natural and effortless enough. He shook my hand twice, and that's a pretty encouraging sign.
And Fola's daughter Ivy.. wow. I mean, what a beautiful little girl she is. Think of a slight mix between white and brown, and with blue eyes. She was peeking at me from behind a chair when I first came in, and I couldn't help but smile at her.
Must be nice to have a kid like her, I bet. Even if she can be a handful at times.
Hmm. So after that, I hit the mall, picked up a few things and noticed that this Goth-y/New Age place was closing down and everything was 50% off.
Fola gave me a few crystals the last time she was here, Ameythst was one of them, and this particular store, while it was half stocked, had a few things like that in there.
I ended up with a total of $172 and some cents after I picked out everything worth getting. Uhm.. Not particularly proud about that, because I wasn't expecting it to be that high. I did manage to convince the cashier to lower it down to $160, and he was nice enough to oblige. They were going out of business after all.
So, this is the funny thing. As I unpacked everything at home, I made little piles. One pile was stuff for myself, and the other, was a pile of things that I might give away to people at some point. Christmas, Birthday, random odd day, etc.
So, pile #1, which was mine, had incense and this body oil thing. Nag Champa scented, since Fola turned me onto this particular smell.
Pile #2, however...
Heh.
Somehow is all stuff that I'd like to give Fola someday.
Yeah.. $160 worth of goods, and maybe $30 of it was spent on myself.
I don't know what it was that compelled me to pick out the items I did, but I had this sense of "she'll like this" as I saw each of them, knowing that they were at 50% off.
A kneeling/prayer cushion. Teal coloured.
An incense stick holder.
Couple of necklaces / pendants.
A glow in the dark jellyfish encased in glass (just like the one I have, but teal/green)
A wooden box with a mandala carved onto it, containing a few stones/minerals/crystals that my keen eye picked out.
Uhm.. what else...
A journal, with lord Ganesha on the cover.
Yeah, so... Most of that stuff was for her, and I.. well..
Hmm.
Why? I have to ask myself, why did I spent this much money?
I guess the answer to that, is so I don't have to spend it later on. To go about town looking for things she might like, in case I want to give her a gift someday.
All of it is going into my closet, to be doled out at random and opportune intervals. No stress, no fuss.
Well, then.. I just hope we will end up being a long-term thing, otherwise I'm going to struggle with figuring out what to do with most of this if we break up somehow.
Hmm... Yeah, I like her. I like her a lot.
Just kinda want to make her happy, is all.
I haven't fallen for her just yet, but I can see it happening.
It's possible.
Although I know that maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should keep a clear head and continue on, walking the path that I've found myself on.
Mm.. No maybes about that. I *will* have to walk that path. For better or worse.
I'm coming about to realizing certain things about myself, and what my potential is, and its a nice feeling. Especially when I know that if I can get through a first meeting with a woman's husband like I did this morning; then other things would and should be a breeze in comparison.
I didn't let fear get the better of me.
And I'm pretty happy about that.
Watching episode two of Longmire on Netflix right now, not a bad show so far. I really like the detective stuff in it. Fola and I have been texting all day, and she's excited to see me again. Probably on Saturday, when she has her day off.
I can't help but think that life is good, right now, but I also know that it is really only the beginning. Whatever happens from here on out, is going to depend on how well I manage to hold onto myself.
And to know when to let go.
So...
No fear. No fear if I can help it, I guess.
So far, so good.
But I can't ever lower my guard, or grow too comfortable.
There is a future I am being propelled towards.
And I am excited to meet it.
Let's hope its as excited as I am.
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
Heh
I have to confess, that after publishing my latest post, I went back and followed them down to when I first mentioned Fola.
And I had to laugh at how different things are now.
In the beginning, I was hesitant, unsure, and felt like she was using me.
Now, I'm pretty well not as cautious or as hesitant as I once was.
Such an interesting turn of events. What a difference a few days can make, if you keep chatting with someone and continue picking their minds.
One thing I've learned for sure, is that initial first impressions aren't anything much to go by. Or, they might be, but I haven't figured out what exactly should I be looking at.
Another thing I've learned, is again, those words of Paulo Coelho:
"Never place your dreams in the hands of those that may destroy them."
Wise words, Mr. Coelho. Wise words indeed.
Yeah, Fola is my soulmate. Or soul-something or another. I've accepted that.
But, I can't place my dreams into her hands. Not until I am sure she is ready for them. Until I know she wants to make them come true for me.
Today, I didn't get a whole lot of certainty in regards to her willingness to do so. Just a few things here and there that puts a bit of a question mark over my head, in regards to some of the things she's said. Small things, but significant nonetheless.
Anyways, no big deal. I'm starting to get a handle on this letting go and holding on thing that I'm attempting to do.
Not really attempting anymore, actually. Doing. I'm really doing it.
Walking between the raindrops.
(insert grinning face emoticon here)
And I had to laugh at how different things are now.
In the beginning, I was hesitant, unsure, and felt like she was using me.
Now, I'm pretty well not as cautious or as hesitant as I once was.
Such an interesting turn of events. What a difference a few days can make, if you keep chatting with someone and continue picking their minds.
One thing I've learned for sure, is that initial first impressions aren't anything much to go by. Or, they might be, but I haven't figured out what exactly should I be looking at.
Another thing I've learned, is again, those words of Paulo Coelho:
"Never place your dreams in the hands of those that may destroy them."
Wise words, Mr. Coelho. Wise words indeed.
Yeah, Fola is my soulmate. Or soul-something or another. I've accepted that.
But, I can't place my dreams into her hands. Not until I am sure she is ready for them. Until I know she wants to make them come true for me.
Today, I didn't get a whole lot of certainty in regards to her willingness to do so. Just a few things here and there that puts a bit of a question mark over my head, in regards to some of the things she's said. Small things, but significant nonetheless.
Anyways, no big deal. I'm starting to get a handle on this letting go and holding on thing that I'm attempting to do.
Not really attempting anymore, actually. Doing. I'm really doing it.
Walking between the raindrops.
(insert grinning face emoticon here)
Journey
Well, the moment of truth is soon to arrive, tomorrow morning at a McDonalds on the west side of Edmonton.
I'll be meeting Fola's husband Larry, for the first time.
So, this means a couple of things. For one, it means I have to meet the guy she is married to, and secondly, this means that once I do, Fola and I will have the (apparent) green light to have sex.
No pressure at all, really. Who am I kidding, right?
The last few days, heck, the entire time I've been talking to Fola has been a building towards something. What that something is, I don't quite know. Long term? Short term?
Will she ever leave her husband? Can she ever be monogamous? Could she fall for me? Will I fall for her?
Who knows. All I know is that tomorrow is the beginning of finding out the answers to all these questions, once I exercise a little patience.
I've found myself in the position of having to put into practise, everything I've learned up until now. In the past, certain experiences have molded me for this moment. For instance, had I met Fola a year ago, she would've been the first black woman I've interacted with in the romantic sense; and, I likely would not have pursued a relationship with her, since I had met Gina towards the end of January (I think). All sorts of small variables would not fit within the chemistry of the relationship we're presently enjoying. I needed to experience those things, when I experienced them; so that I could experience this, and be equipped to deal with this particular situation.
Things would be quite different, had the timing been off by just a small bit. A year earlier, a year later. Perhaps even a month, would've negated the possibility of Fola's and I's relationship developing the way it has.
Let me tell you, this is.. the most confusing and exciting thing I have ever been a part of. I don't know what to anticipate. I have no idea what I even want from this, other than to see where it will go. I have no idea about anything.
All I know, is that I must both lose control and hang onto it. I must surrender onto myself, and I must contain myself while doing it.
If that makes any sense.
That's the "path" that I am on at the moment. The journey of my lifetime. And Fola is walking right besides me. For how long, is a question probably not worth thinking about.
Like I said earlier, I am in the position of using everything I've known, to try and navigate such a strange situation. But, I feel brave, just for the mere fact alone that Fola and I have met. Prior to this, I wasn't really sure if soulmates was a thing that actually existed outside of overly-romanticized depictions of the concept, but now I am convinced they do. That doesn't mean I am.. hmm, going to fall heavily in love with a married woman and give up who I am, in order to be with her. It just means that I now know there is a purpose for me. A game that is being played out, and I am facing either a test, or experiencing the fulfillment of what I have most wanted in all these years I've been on earth.
The woman of my dreams. The realization of my fullest potential.
Interestingly, despite the obvious connection I have with Fola, I'm not actually sure if she is the woman of my dreams and the one I am meant to be with. It's a strong connection, like.. unbelievably so. No one else in my past has had this amount of chemistry with me.
So.. I'm not sure where this is all leading, but at least I'm sure that there is a purpose behind all that. And with the timing of having met her; I'm feeling certain that the purpose is a good one. For if my prayers have been heard and are being answered; then I must assume a form of benevolence is being acted out on my behalf. That is the only logical conclusion I can come up with, and the best mindset to have when navigating these uncertain waters.
My ego... is.. subdued, it feels. The part of me that is eager to hold onto something, and to cage it for myself; seems to have eased itself ever since Gina broke up with me. I tried to control that relationship we were in, by not being controlling. As odd as that sounds. But, obviously, I was controlling it. I was being overly-mindful of wanting to be on the best of terms with her. I wouldn't allow her to see my doubts and insecurities. So, in effect, I managed to hide the "dent" in the car I was trying to sell her, and I couldn't lie with conviction enough, to have her believe that I was who I said I was. Or who I appeared to be.
Because, I just don't trust most women. I really don't. And with Fola.. with the conversations we've been having.. I feel like I've taken trust to a level, that if she asked me a direct question, no matter how painful it would be; I would do my best to answer it as honestly as possible. But, I am also mindful that I should only reveal exactly what has to be revealed. Nothing more. There is a dance being performed, and the moment I go off into a kind of solo performance; is the moment the spell is broken. There is an ebb and a flow to all of this. A sacred rhythm of sorts, that needs to be respected and adhered towards.
An honesty that must be given.
So, yes. Soulmates do exist. And yes, everyone has a purpose should they be willing to surrender to themselves. But that is not such an easy thing to promote as far as a "tool" for living goes. Everyone is different. Everyone needs to hear different things, to experience certain things; in order for advice like this to be understood, appreciated and acted upon. There is no one-size-fits-all solution here.
Surrender to yourself, but be wise enough to know when your ego is getting in the way.
Be wise enough to know, not to demand a certain outcome. Or to act in a way that is not true to who you actually are.
Once these things are realized, the darkness of the forest you are wandering around in, is lifted, and the path you've been walking on, is illuminated. Sure, you can't see all that far in front of you due to all the branches and stuff in the way, but your feet aren't straying, and you can clearly see where the next foot must be placed.
So, that's the trick. Putting one foot in front of the other, and not worrying about the predators in the woods. Or being lead astray. As long as you stay on the path, you're safe, because something benevolent has put it there for you.
Even if bad things do happen along the way.
I'm almost 40 years old. I'm unmarried. I don't have kids, and I spent much of my adult life wondering when I would have these things. There has been moments of profound depression and desperation and agony and loneliness and all manner of terrible things that caused me to question my faith in God, and the faith I should have in myself.
Even in my darkest moments, when I would openly curse God, I recovered from these tantrums and realized that the faith I have is much too deep to simply let go of. Even in the greatest of despairs, there always was that thing inside of me, that knew everything was going to work out. Maybe I would have to suffer for years before things work out, but at the time, I couldn't see that far ahead. I had to accept the sufferings like a person locked away in solitary confinement, unable to know what day it is and when he/she will be released.
If they ever get released.
Faith is a powerful thing. I feel certain now, that there is a path and that there are soulmates. And accepting these two things, lead to other things. Higher intelligences. Higher selves. The grand design of it all.
It points to God's existence, is what it does. And if not God, then at least something similar.
Even if it is his counterpart. Because if his counterpart can exist, than so can God. So can a variation or opposite deity can exist as much as an evil one could.
But, I don't think evil is behind all this. It feels like merciful grace, in a way. Even though I am hesitant about putting too much happiness and excitement into the moment I am experiencing right now. The connection I'm having with this girl.
Despite how wonderful and magical it all seems, I seem to sense that abandoning my wits is not the right way to go about receiving these gifts. I will not surrender my skepticism, or rather, my caution; for I have done this many times before, and none of the results have had pleasant outcomes.
But, they certainly made me into the man I am today. Equipped and ready for battle. To fight for every inch of my territory, in the easiest and most natural manner possible.
And that is how all good things must be revealed and lived through. Inside of a natural and flowing manner. Inside of ease, and contentment and joy, and effortlessness.
One thing I must try and accept at the moment, is that nothing is set in stone. Everything is fluid. I must accept that although I have met this person, and obviously she and I have a part to play in this drama; I must also accept that it may not last. And won't, either, since physical death is inevitable.
So knowing that it is transitory, is going to be important. My ego wants permanent gratification, permanent happiness, and my soul is like, "these things may not be good for you." which is something I agree with. Quality over quantity. All things in moderation, etc.
And, I get that. I understand it.
But, its not easy finding someone or something worth loving; and being comfortable with having it go away. To disappear, and never return. That is the toughest part of anything anyone can ever do. To find true love, and to lose it.
Forever.
Attachment. I see what the Buddhists have been saying. Let go of attachment.
Hmm.
Live in the moment. Day by day. Minute by minute. Follow both your head and heart to lead you to where you must go.
Try to never allow one to override the other. There is a balance that must be honoured and upheld. As difficult as it is to maintain, it is also fairly easy, once you fall into the habit of doing it.
Walk in-between the raindrops. Trust in your ability to do so.
Turn your life into a living miracle.
But be smart about it. Know what you're dealing with. Know yourself well enough to understand how to keep yourself from being influenced by the shrieks of a selfish ego, a shadow self, other people, the media, etc. Learn to read between the lines and make informed rational decisions, in an intuitive kind of way.
Let go, and hold on.
Hmm.
Tomorrow is the day.
For better or worse, the outcome will not affect my beliefs.
Long as I keep my beliefs intact, they will do me no wrong. They've led me to this point, haven't they?
And there is no such thing as coincidence. Everything has a reason and a purpose for being. Even inanimate objects, as well as living ones.
That makes sense.
Well.
Here goes nothing.
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
Gravestones
Hoo boy, what a tough time I'm having at the moment listening to the last phone conversation I had with Gina where I'm falling to pieces and trying to keep myself together, and its just ugh. It randomly came up on my phone while listening to my music library on shuffle. I didn't want to listen to it at first, but I felt as if something told me to keep listening.
I'm thinking about deleting it. I can barely understand some of what I'm saying, and its just this huge.. ramble.. this disgustingly vulnerable man pleading for.. something.. that he doesn't actually believe he will get.
(sighs) .. Still listening as I type this blog post. I really should delete it. But at the same time, it's.. me. It's who I am. My vulnerabilities on full display. My weakness. My sadness.
The whole of my being.
I find it interesting that for whatever reason, I decided to get a call recorder app on my phone. Not sure why, and.. well, the conversations I've been having with Fola lately certainly seem to warrant being archived for whatever reasons...
Phew..
Gina is making sense in this conversation, but at the same time, there's something.. off about her.
A part of me is glad that it ended, but another part of me knows it had to happen, and I pretended like it didn't matter. That I still wanted to hold on, to make her feel differently.
So much cringe. I really hold onto her with a vengeance.. or onto hope, I guess.
I really.. man...
I hate how she says, "infatuation" when it comes to describing how... we had..
Oh man.. she's so evasive in the conversation about exactly why she ended things so abruptly, and through text. I still don't know the reason for it.
I may never will, I suppose.
So I guess its over.
There's no path that I can see, that leads me back to her.
And after meeting Fola, I realize that I need a woman who believes in me, and Gina certainly didn't.
Theres actually a strange lack of sympathy from a woman who I thought was very compassionate and sympathetic, and willing to wait and try to bring out the best in me.
I'm at the part now, where we're both silent before I told her about how I'm the "octopus".. heh.
And she laughed. So sad...
But, I was honest. And I don't think she was. She certainly was going off of a script, where I wasn't. And she wasn't about to expose her vulnerable side just because I was.
That's an interesting observation, I'd say.
What kind of a human being would break up with someone the way she did?
And she completely missed the point of the letter I sent her, about my ex, Lauren. Such a stupid over-reaction. "I was disgusted"
If I was a vengeful person, I would keep Gina's texts and this phone call I recorded and somehow share it down the road. Not on a massive scale or anything, but with some other person. For whatever reason.
"I don't know why you keep them" she says. And the reason is, is that I want to learn from history, and from my mistakes. She's telling me that I need to learn to "let go" and I think that's the wrong idea. You shouldn't let go of history, otherwise you could repeat it.
"I was horrified" she says.
What a joke. She wasn't horrified unless she was..
Unless she's an idiot.
"Why didn't you listen to the cd?"
"Because thats why I needed to do."
Doesn't make any sense.
She liked it when I surprised her with an Easter bunny at her doorstep. Loved it, actually. And if she didn't want to talk to me, or see me in person to give me the closure I needed, then what other option was there but to leave her ..
Ugh.. I'm turning this off. She's now freaking out about Gyngie, who I told Gina that I was still "with" when we first met. Despite the fact that I haven't seen her at all during the time Gina and I were together. For almost six months.
Okay.. This conversation feels dangerous to me somehow. Can't explain what it is, but while I do want to archive it, I realize now that I don't need it for the reasons I once thought I did.
I've learned from this, and I won't forget it. Don't need a recorded conversation of our last phone call together to remind me.
This blog post is enough.
Gina is an idiot, plain and simple. She wasn't who I thought she was, and the way she acted with me was the way she "wanted" to act with me. It wasn't who she actually was.
She is not as sympathetic and compassionate as I hoped her to be. Not spiritual either, and definitely not patient or understanding and willing to work through our differences.
Yep.
She's...
Not the one for me.
And I wrote her into my will, because I thought if anyone could benefit from my stuff, then it would be her. She's not well off financially, and I'm sure a little help would be better than no help at all.
Even if my death is what will be behind this "help".
Now, that's a dumb thought.
Despite it all though, I still see the glimmer inside of her. That potential. But, the moment she stopped believing in me was the moment she gave up on the idea of love.
The moment she gave up on herself, too, because I could have given it to her.
In overflowing buckets.
As much as she could carry or would want.
And, I think.. well, she knew this, and for the reason that I don't know and might never will, decided it wasn't worth the effort of trying.
So, she stopped believing in me.
And now, I must stop believing in her.
The cord has almost been severed completely. I just have two items of her left in my living room that needs to be..
Thrown out, I guess.
Or given away.
That pink rubber duck she got me, and the Hawaiian hulu dancer bobblehead thing.
Those scarecrows still in my garage.
Mm..
She's still listed as my beneficiary at the union hall. But until someone more deserving comes along, I guess I'll leave it the way it is.
I don't think Gyngie deserves much, should I pass prematurely from this world.
She wouldn't read any of my books, I don't think. Might not like my cds.
Clothes wouldn't do anything for her.
And any money given, would simply be tossed into a void and be somewhat unappreciated, I'm sure.
Hmm. I know she would like my record player though, and my records, but thats about it. Oh, and my laser light projector upstairs.
Well, we'll see what happens down the road. Things change all the time. New surprises around every corner.
It's been an interesting journey so far.
Fola is walking next to me on the path I need to be on.
And that's the most meaningful and appreciated thing I have going at the moment.
There is a plan for me, and for her.
And we've found each other.
Who knows what the future will hold, though.
Life has a habit of swatting me down when I fly too close to the sun.
Let's try and keep that from happening this time, ok?
Whoever is responsible, I mean.
Or whatever.
I've had enough heart ache.
Time to find love.
And maybe, maybe I've found it.
Guess we'll find out.
Onwards.
I'm thinking about deleting it. I can barely understand some of what I'm saying, and its just this huge.. ramble.. this disgustingly vulnerable man pleading for.. something.. that he doesn't actually believe he will get.
(sighs) .. Still listening as I type this blog post. I really should delete it. But at the same time, it's.. me. It's who I am. My vulnerabilities on full display. My weakness. My sadness.
The whole of my being.
I find it interesting that for whatever reason, I decided to get a call recorder app on my phone. Not sure why, and.. well, the conversations I've been having with Fola lately certainly seem to warrant being archived for whatever reasons...
Phew..
Gina is making sense in this conversation, but at the same time, there's something.. off about her.
A part of me is glad that it ended, but another part of me knows it had to happen, and I pretended like it didn't matter. That I still wanted to hold on, to make her feel differently.
So much cringe. I really hold onto her with a vengeance.. or onto hope, I guess.
I really.. man...
I hate how she says, "infatuation" when it comes to describing how... we had..
Oh man.. she's so evasive in the conversation about exactly why she ended things so abruptly, and through text. I still don't know the reason for it.
I may never will, I suppose.
So I guess its over.
There's no path that I can see, that leads me back to her.
And after meeting Fola, I realize that I need a woman who believes in me, and Gina certainly didn't.
Theres actually a strange lack of sympathy from a woman who I thought was very compassionate and sympathetic, and willing to wait and try to bring out the best in me.
I'm at the part now, where we're both silent before I told her about how I'm the "octopus".. heh.
And she laughed. So sad...
But, I was honest. And I don't think she was. She certainly was going off of a script, where I wasn't. And she wasn't about to expose her vulnerable side just because I was.
That's an interesting observation, I'd say.
What kind of a human being would break up with someone the way she did?
And she completely missed the point of the letter I sent her, about my ex, Lauren. Such a stupid over-reaction. "I was disgusted"
If I was a vengeful person, I would keep Gina's texts and this phone call I recorded and somehow share it down the road. Not on a massive scale or anything, but with some other person. For whatever reason.
"I don't know why you keep them" she says. And the reason is, is that I want to learn from history, and from my mistakes. She's telling me that I need to learn to "let go" and I think that's the wrong idea. You shouldn't let go of history, otherwise you could repeat it.
"I was horrified" she says.
What a joke. She wasn't horrified unless she was..
Unless she's an idiot.
"Why didn't you listen to the cd?"
"Because thats why I needed to do."
Doesn't make any sense.
She liked it when I surprised her with an Easter bunny at her doorstep. Loved it, actually. And if she didn't want to talk to me, or see me in person to give me the closure I needed, then what other option was there but to leave her ..
Ugh.. I'm turning this off. She's now freaking out about Gyngie, who I told Gina that I was still "with" when we first met. Despite the fact that I haven't seen her at all during the time Gina and I were together. For almost six months.
Okay.. This conversation feels dangerous to me somehow. Can't explain what it is, but while I do want to archive it, I realize now that I don't need it for the reasons I once thought I did.
I've learned from this, and I won't forget it. Don't need a recorded conversation of our last phone call together to remind me.
This blog post is enough.
Gina is an idiot, plain and simple. She wasn't who I thought she was, and the way she acted with me was the way she "wanted" to act with me. It wasn't who she actually was.
She is not as sympathetic and compassionate as I hoped her to be. Not spiritual either, and definitely not patient or understanding and willing to work through our differences.
Yep.
She's...
Not the one for me.
And I wrote her into my will, because I thought if anyone could benefit from my stuff, then it would be her. She's not well off financially, and I'm sure a little help would be better than no help at all.
Even if my death is what will be behind this "help".
Now, that's a dumb thought.
Despite it all though, I still see the glimmer inside of her. That potential. But, the moment she stopped believing in me was the moment she gave up on the idea of love.
The moment she gave up on herself, too, because I could have given it to her.
In overflowing buckets.
As much as she could carry or would want.
And, I think.. well, she knew this, and for the reason that I don't know and might never will, decided it wasn't worth the effort of trying.
So, she stopped believing in me.
And now, I must stop believing in her.
The cord has almost been severed completely. I just have two items of her left in my living room that needs to be..
Thrown out, I guess.
Or given away.
That pink rubber duck she got me, and the Hawaiian hulu dancer bobblehead thing.
Those scarecrows still in my garage.
Mm..
She's still listed as my beneficiary at the union hall. But until someone more deserving comes along, I guess I'll leave it the way it is.
I don't think Gyngie deserves much, should I pass prematurely from this world.
She wouldn't read any of my books, I don't think. Might not like my cds.
Clothes wouldn't do anything for her.
And any money given, would simply be tossed into a void and be somewhat unappreciated, I'm sure.
Hmm. I know she would like my record player though, and my records, but thats about it. Oh, and my laser light projector upstairs.
Well, we'll see what happens down the road. Things change all the time. New surprises around every corner.
It's been an interesting journey so far.
Fola is walking next to me on the path I need to be on.
And that's the most meaningful and appreciated thing I have going at the moment.
There is a plan for me, and for her.
And we've found each other.
Who knows what the future will hold, though.
Life has a habit of swatting me down when I fly too close to the sun.
Let's try and keep that from happening this time, ok?
Whoever is responsible, I mean.
Or whatever.
I've had enough heart ache.
Time to find love.
And maybe, maybe I've found it.
Guess we'll find out.
Onwards.
Sunday, January 22, 2017
The Clarification of Convictions
Well, what an interesting week it has been, mainly due to Fola whom I met on Friday in person for the first time.
Texting every day, pretty much all day, and usually with something to say. I've come about to realizing that all of the questions she has been asking me about spirituality, my life, my personal experiences have added up to serve me with an opportunity. The opportunity to clarify my convictions, as I noted in the title of this post.
After meeting her and driving home, I started thinking about the rhyme and reason for us having found each other. I believe every relationship and interaction serves some sort of purpose, good or bad by way of perception alone, but purpose nonetheless. I haven't quite solidified what I think the actual benefits / reasons are to come from us continuing to pursue our relationship; but I've gotten some pretty good ideas of whats in store.
So again with her, she's "polyamorous" which I honestly think is somewhat of a selfish way of living, but it is not my place to make such judgements. In all the conversations we've had, one of them involved my mentioning how the past has molded me towards a particular kind of woman, and how I feel "groomed" towards a certain purpose, or understanding in life.
Still not sure what that is, but the progress is undeniable. There are these step by step "mutations" that have come about by way of past relationships and personal experiences, that changed my outlook and attitude, and values, etc, to the point where I feel more in "touch" with who I actually am, and more capable of serving my "purpose" whatever it will reveal itself to be.
Our first date, well, we met at a coffee shop, went to a New Age bookstore/shop, went to Tony's pizza, and then sat in the car talking for about an hour and a half.
Lots of talking. She smiled alot, touched my arm on occasion. Of course we had to make out at some point, and held hands. She stroked the top of mine while we were in the car, and I told her it felt really nice.
Mm, heh.
Dreamed about her the morning after, and she said she may have dreamed about me as well. She's really experiencing some strong physical reactions to having met me. Apparently her body was "vibrating" the morning after, and she felt "pressure" in her head just as I was about to text her. Implying that she somehow made a psychic connection with me of some kind. I still don't quite know what to make of all that. But its intriguing. Very intriguing, how we've been getting along up to this point.
She seems to think so too, as her husband called her "super" obsessed with me, and I can see why he was hesitant about meeting me in person. Apparently one of the rules they have, is that before they can sleep with other people, they have to meet the person that will be slept with before an okay is given.
Mm, yeah. So Fola tried to set that meeting up last night, but her husband was apparently intimidated by the thought of it.
Kind of funny, those polyamorous types I tell you. Wanting to have their cake and eat it too, right? Except in the situations where it looks like the cake is going to get taken away by someone else. Or enjoyed more throughly with someone else. So obviously, as much as they try and deny it; jealousy still remains a component of a polyamorous relationship. Even though her husband is married to her, and they both have a child; he still seems uncomfortable with the interest we've been showing towards each other.
Our make out session was okay, I didn't feel any sparks or anything, and that kind of disappointed me, because what I find attractive (exciting) is that thrill of initial discovery and physical intimacy, and it wasn't quite there with that kiss. But, I'm going to blame Fola mainly for that, only because of how casually she treats sex and intimacy in general. That's another problem with polyamorous types, they simply don't bring a sacred and respectful attitude towards sex and intimacy in general. They just want to get fucked. And fucked hard. (possibly while being choked and/or tied up and urinated upon)
So, there's obviously an intimacy handicap with Fola. That's not to say she is incapable of experiencing a deep and sacred bond with another human being, it only means she has not made it a priority of hers to explore.
Maybe this is a benefit she will incur from our relationship as it moves forward. Maybe that part of me will rub off on her.
I remember Kim, an ex from a few years ago who was into this bondage/domination thing and our best sex didn't even involve that stuff. It was the bond we had together that had her give it a 9.7/10 after we were finished. There's an emotional and spiritual aspect to sex that people seem to gloss over that makes the act much more enjoyable than to simply give into their primal instinct and disregard the potential expression of divinity within copulation that society (and porn) tends to sneer at and pretend doesn't exist or matter.
Intimacy. Sacredness. Sex. All powerful things, of course. It's well worth learning about.
And I think Fola and I might be on that path to learn more about these things.
About ourselves in general, and not just through sex.
So, I'm thinking that this is likely to be a short-term relationship, but I could be wrong. I at least have had the past experiences of being molded into a person that can handle something like this, where before, I would be jealous of her sleeping with other men, and unable to even consider sleeping with someone who is married. But, her husband has a girlfriend of his own, and has given her permission to step outside the boundaries of what a marriage is supposed to be enclosed by.
Thankfully, I'm single at the moment, not in a relationship with anybody and had I been married; it would've been a very difficult decision to pursue things with Fola. But it is well worth pursuing. There is some kind of energy between us that is crackling with a quiet fury, and I feel the thrill of being in a kind of teacher's role, where I tell her my opinions on the subjects she wants to know about.
All kinds. Astrology. Energy. Breath work. Chakras. Rituals. Tarot cards. Conspiracy theories.
And in the process of careful thought, I can solidify my opinions and subject them to scrutiny, so that if there is a criticism to be made of them, I can examine my convictions and amend or replace them. It's a valuable thing to have, a student, even though I am not exactly seeing her in that way, it seems to be the way it actually is.
I believe that a teacher must not refuse to teach those who wish to learn, and this is kind of an interesting belief to accept, because parts of me do not want to reveal all that I have learned, because a part of my ego has fought long and hard for all I have discovered about myself and the world around me. To have someone come along and scoop up the fruits of my labour without giving anything equally as valuable back in return? Hell no, my ego would shriek. She has to pay for it.
And in my contemplation, I've come to realize that I shouldn't be expecting payment and that I am actually already getting paid. Even though Fola has taken so much out of me, just her doing that, is giving me something valuable in return.
So, its really an interesting start to our relationship. This entire week has been one long maniac episode of obsession with one another, and it doesn't appear to be letting up anytime soon, either. She will be coming over to my house tonight, for the first time.
While I hesitate to predict the future of our relationship, I feel like I don't need to. I don't need to feel like I *have* to, and that's an interesting change in myself. In the past, I would always kind of see a new relationship and extrapolate what it would be like down the road. So as to assuage my insecurities and decide whether or not its worth going along with, and if I can get regular sex, or a good conversation, connection, possibility of marriage, kids, etc. With Fola, it feels like I don't have to. I'm just letting it be what it is. A boat floating down a river in the dark towards a destination that neither of us have much of an idea about. Our only job, is to keep the thing from flipping over and sinking to the bottom.
Long as we trust ourselves enough to enjoy the ride, we will, and we will end up much better for it.
Because that is what life is. A ride. A journey. Once we tire of it, Fola and I will move on and things will be different then.
If we tire of it.
I don't know. Again, no predictions.
With the amount we've been texting, and how hard it is for me to put her out of my mind; I couldn't put much thought into my book this week. That kind of sucks. But at the same time, she's the biggest focus of my life at the moment, and I would prefer to place as much of my energy as possible in a single direction, rather than split them up over different other things.
Focus.
I'm not sure what I will be learning from this until I learn it; but so far I'm liking it.
And I'm sure she does too.
Time to go clean up the place.
Got to impress the married woman thats coming over.
Hmph.
Texting every day, pretty much all day, and usually with something to say. I've come about to realizing that all of the questions she has been asking me about spirituality, my life, my personal experiences have added up to serve me with an opportunity. The opportunity to clarify my convictions, as I noted in the title of this post.
After meeting her and driving home, I started thinking about the rhyme and reason for us having found each other. I believe every relationship and interaction serves some sort of purpose, good or bad by way of perception alone, but purpose nonetheless. I haven't quite solidified what I think the actual benefits / reasons are to come from us continuing to pursue our relationship; but I've gotten some pretty good ideas of whats in store.
So again with her, she's "polyamorous" which I honestly think is somewhat of a selfish way of living, but it is not my place to make such judgements. In all the conversations we've had, one of them involved my mentioning how the past has molded me towards a particular kind of woman, and how I feel "groomed" towards a certain purpose, or understanding in life.
Still not sure what that is, but the progress is undeniable. There are these step by step "mutations" that have come about by way of past relationships and personal experiences, that changed my outlook and attitude, and values, etc, to the point where I feel more in "touch" with who I actually am, and more capable of serving my "purpose" whatever it will reveal itself to be.
Our first date, well, we met at a coffee shop, went to a New Age bookstore/shop, went to Tony's pizza, and then sat in the car talking for about an hour and a half.
Lots of talking. She smiled alot, touched my arm on occasion. Of course we had to make out at some point, and held hands. She stroked the top of mine while we were in the car, and I told her it felt really nice.
Mm, heh.
Dreamed about her the morning after, and she said she may have dreamed about me as well. She's really experiencing some strong physical reactions to having met me. Apparently her body was "vibrating" the morning after, and she felt "pressure" in her head just as I was about to text her. Implying that she somehow made a psychic connection with me of some kind. I still don't quite know what to make of all that. But its intriguing. Very intriguing, how we've been getting along up to this point.
She seems to think so too, as her husband called her "super" obsessed with me, and I can see why he was hesitant about meeting me in person. Apparently one of the rules they have, is that before they can sleep with other people, they have to meet the person that will be slept with before an okay is given.
Mm, yeah. So Fola tried to set that meeting up last night, but her husband was apparently intimidated by the thought of it.
Kind of funny, those polyamorous types I tell you. Wanting to have their cake and eat it too, right? Except in the situations where it looks like the cake is going to get taken away by someone else. Or enjoyed more throughly with someone else. So obviously, as much as they try and deny it; jealousy still remains a component of a polyamorous relationship. Even though her husband is married to her, and they both have a child; he still seems uncomfortable with the interest we've been showing towards each other.
Our make out session was okay, I didn't feel any sparks or anything, and that kind of disappointed me, because what I find attractive (exciting) is that thrill of initial discovery and physical intimacy, and it wasn't quite there with that kiss. But, I'm going to blame Fola mainly for that, only because of how casually she treats sex and intimacy in general. That's another problem with polyamorous types, they simply don't bring a sacred and respectful attitude towards sex and intimacy in general. They just want to get fucked. And fucked hard. (possibly while being choked and/or tied up and urinated upon)
So, there's obviously an intimacy handicap with Fola. That's not to say she is incapable of experiencing a deep and sacred bond with another human being, it only means she has not made it a priority of hers to explore.
Maybe this is a benefit she will incur from our relationship as it moves forward. Maybe that part of me will rub off on her.
I remember Kim, an ex from a few years ago who was into this bondage/domination thing and our best sex didn't even involve that stuff. It was the bond we had together that had her give it a 9.7/10 after we were finished. There's an emotional and spiritual aspect to sex that people seem to gloss over that makes the act much more enjoyable than to simply give into their primal instinct and disregard the potential expression of divinity within copulation that society (and porn) tends to sneer at and pretend doesn't exist or matter.
Intimacy. Sacredness. Sex. All powerful things, of course. It's well worth learning about.
And I think Fola and I might be on that path to learn more about these things.
About ourselves in general, and not just through sex.
So, I'm thinking that this is likely to be a short-term relationship, but I could be wrong. I at least have had the past experiences of being molded into a person that can handle something like this, where before, I would be jealous of her sleeping with other men, and unable to even consider sleeping with someone who is married. But, her husband has a girlfriend of his own, and has given her permission to step outside the boundaries of what a marriage is supposed to be enclosed by.
Thankfully, I'm single at the moment, not in a relationship with anybody and had I been married; it would've been a very difficult decision to pursue things with Fola. But it is well worth pursuing. There is some kind of energy between us that is crackling with a quiet fury, and I feel the thrill of being in a kind of teacher's role, where I tell her my opinions on the subjects she wants to know about.
All kinds. Astrology. Energy. Breath work. Chakras. Rituals. Tarot cards. Conspiracy theories.
And in the process of careful thought, I can solidify my opinions and subject them to scrutiny, so that if there is a criticism to be made of them, I can examine my convictions and amend or replace them. It's a valuable thing to have, a student, even though I am not exactly seeing her in that way, it seems to be the way it actually is.
I believe that a teacher must not refuse to teach those who wish to learn, and this is kind of an interesting belief to accept, because parts of me do not want to reveal all that I have learned, because a part of my ego has fought long and hard for all I have discovered about myself and the world around me. To have someone come along and scoop up the fruits of my labour without giving anything equally as valuable back in return? Hell no, my ego would shriek. She has to pay for it.
And in my contemplation, I've come to realize that I shouldn't be expecting payment and that I am actually already getting paid. Even though Fola has taken so much out of me, just her doing that, is giving me something valuable in return.
So, its really an interesting start to our relationship. This entire week has been one long maniac episode of obsession with one another, and it doesn't appear to be letting up anytime soon, either. She will be coming over to my house tonight, for the first time.
While I hesitate to predict the future of our relationship, I feel like I don't need to. I don't need to feel like I *have* to, and that's an interesting change in myself. In the past, I would always kind of see a new relationship and extrapolate what it would be like down the road. So as to assuage my insecurities and decide whether or not its worth going along with, and if I can get regular sex, or a good conversation, connection, possibility of marriage, kids, etc. With Fola, it feels like I don't have to. I'm just letting it be what it is. A boat floating down a river in the dark towards a destination that neither of us have much of an idea about. Our only job, is to keep the thing from flipping over and sinking to the bottom.
Long as we trust ourselves enough to enjoy the ride, we will, and we will end up much better for it.
Because that is what life is. A ride. A journey. Once we tire of it, Fola and I will move on and things will be different then.
If we tire of it.
I don't know. Again, no predictions.
With the amount we've been texting, and how hard it is for me to put her out of my mind; I couldn't put much thought into my book this week. That kind of sucks. But at the same time, she's the biggest focus of my life at the moment, and I would prefer to place as much of my energy as possible in a single direction, rather than split them up over different other things.
Focus.
I'm not sure what I will be learning from this until I learn it; but so far I'm liking it.
And I'm sure she does too.
Time to go clean up the place.
Got to impress the married woman thats coming over.
Hmph.
Thursday, January 19, 2017
Selling The Drama
Mm, lately its all been about Fola, the girl I've met over the weekend on OkCupid. We haven't met yet, but we've been really going at it in the past while.
She really likes me. So much so, that apparently I brought her to a state of near orgasm by being on the phone with her last night. I wasn't even saying anything sexual, really. Funny how that works.
A part of me is really excited about meeting her and having a relationship, but another part is like, "she's married, dude." and I think about how limited we would be together, if we hit things off on Friday.
She seems really turned on by intelligence. The post I wrote before about silence existing between the notes, somehow came up in conversation and she was quite impressed by it.
Mm.. I don't know whats in store for the two of us, but I'm definitely curious and excited about finding out. Even if things don't work out, this is a moment in time that I'll remember for sure.
Well.. work has been really dry lately. No calls in the hall, no prospects. I'm kind of.. leery about all this, and having to dip into my line of credit to help pay things off. Hopefully things will pick up soon, and I'll find something decent.
Mm.. that's about it really, for a blog post. Can't think of much else to say, other than Fola being on my mind, which is a nice change from having my ex on it. Still thinking of her though.
Prime rib dinner at the casino tonight with my mom, should be good.
Peace out.
She really likes me. So much so, that apparently I brought her to a state of near orgasm by being on the phone with her last night. I wasn't even saying anything sexual, really. Funny how that works.
A part of me is really excited about meeting her and having a relationship, but another part is like, "she's married, dude." and I think about how limited we would be together, if we hit things off on Friday.
She seems really turned on by intelligence. The post I wrote before about silence existing between the notes, somehow came up in conversation and she was quite impressed by it.
Mm.. I don't know whats in store for the two of us, but I'm definitely curious and excited about finding out. Even if things don't work out, this is a moment in time that I'll remember for sure.
Well.. work has been really dry lately. No calls in the hall, no prospects. I'm kind of.. leery about all this, and having to dip into my line of credit to help pay things off. Hopefully things will pick up soon, and I'll find something decent.
Mm.. that's about it really, for a blog post. Can't think of much else to say, other than Fola being on my mind, which is a nice change from having my ex on it. Still thinking of her though.
Prime rib dinner at the casino tonight with my mom, should be good.
Peace out.
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Wheels a'Spinning
Mmm, 180 reversal on Fola yesterday it seems. Spent most of it texting her, and when I asked what would she rate her day out of ten, she said, "9.9" which is absurdly high. Especially since she had a flat tire earlier on.
I asked her if I had anything to do with it, and she said very much so.
Hmm.
I like her, I admit. Definitely a cool chick. Couple more days until Friday for when we'll meet, and hopefully that goes well.
But she's kind of a leech, really. Just wants to suck out all the marrow out of my bones and take me apart into pieces for her study and entertainment, I think. Not sure how I feel about that. Somewhat flattered for sure, but a little trepidatious as well. Fancy word for nervous, by the way.
Mm... Well. Just going with the flow, I suppose. I don't know if we'll work out well together, but she's excited about meeting me, and I'm very curious and interested in meeting her, so we'll see.
Gina.. (sighs)
Yeah, well.
Stray thoughts here and there. Saw a red car earlier today on the road, and looked at the driver. It was an old dude with a hat, but I mentally replaced him with Gina and imagined her looking at me as we passed each other by.
*shrugs*
Energies in the air, thats for sure. Hard to make sense of what they mean or where they're coming from, or how I should be feeling; so I'm choosing to feel nothing, really. Because once I associate a certain "feeling" with words, I run the risk of making a false assumption and.. I'd be operating on an ignorant premise if that makes any sense. There was an older man who locked eyes with me after I left the gas station today, and gave me a curt nod, for no reason. I was sitting in my car, and my eyes for some reason moved over to him and received the nod. Had to nod back. Yeah, so it may not appear like anything important, but it was meaningful. I'm sure if I stopped to think about it, I could pound out a page of theories and explanations as to why that is. But that would be overkill, and not particularly important, either. I don't think.
Small gestures. Small greetings. Small acknowledgements. They all add up to a nice state of being. A calmness. An acceptance of me as being a person in this world, in other people's worlds; and so forth.
Namaste, as they say, means "the spirit in me, acknowledges the spirit in you" or something to that effect.
Feel like I'm spinning my wheels a bit here, typing without saying anything profound.
Hm.
Namaste.
I asked her if I had anything to do with it, and she said very much so.
Hmm.
I like her, I admit. Definitely a cool chick. Couple more days until Friday for when we'll meet, and hopefully that goes well.
But she's kind of a leech, really. Just wants to suck out all the marrow out of my bones and take me apart into pieces for her study and entertainment, I think. Not sure how I feel about that. Somewhat flattered for sure, but a little trepidatious as well. Fancy word for nervous, by the way.
Mm... Well. Just going with the flow, I suppose. I don't know if we'll work out well together, but she's excited about meeting me, and I'm very curious and interested in meeting her, so we'll see.
Gina.. (sighs)
Yeah, well.
Stray thoughts here and there. Saw a red car earlier today on the road, and looked at the driver. It was an old dude with a hat, but I mentally replaced him with Gina and imagined her looking at me as we passed each other by.
*shrugs*
Energies in the air, thats for sure. Hard to make sense of what they mean or where they're coming from, or how I should be feeling; so I'm choosing to feel nothing, really. Because once I associate a certain "feeling" with words, I run the risk of making a false assumption and.. I'd be operating on an ignorant premise if that makes any sense. There was an older man who locked eyes with me after I left the gas station today, and gave me a curt nod, for no reason. I was sitting in my car, and my eyes for some reason moved over to him and received the nod. Had to nod back. Yeah, so it may not appear like anything important, but it was meaningful. I'm sure if I stopped to think about it, I could pound out a page of theories and explanations as to why that is. But that would be overkill, and not particularly important, either. I don't think.
Small gestures. Small greetings. Small acknowledgements. They all add up to a nice state of being. A calmness. An acceptance of me as being a person in this world, in other people's worlds; and so forth.
Namaste, as they say, means "the spirit in me, acknowledges the spirit in you" or something to that effect.
Feel like I'm spinning my wheels a bit here, typing without saying anything profound.
Hm.
Namaste.
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
The Soup of Irony
Well, I've just gotten off the phone with Fola and boy have my perception of her changed.
I already knew she was poly, and that she was involved in a sexual relationship with a guy and a girl, in addition to her husband, but man.. in the words of Han Solo, "I've got a bad feeling about this."
First of all, I judge people by certain criteria that has reliably demonstrated itself by way of both intuition and observing how they react to certain things.
In this case, Fola asked me what we should be doing on Friday, and I invited her over to my house.
"Your house?!" she exclaims with surprise.
Yeah, not a good sign. I believe that if someone was genuinely interested in you, then they would bring that optimism along with them to a first meeting. They wouldn't be expecting the worse, which is what Fola's reaction implied. She feared the worst, meaning, she doesn't trust me.
So, if she doesn't trust me despite our conversations and our texts and the connection we've been having; then she.. isn't really serious about making a connection.
It's not just this either, but a pile of other small clues that add up to the conclusion I've come up with. Fola is bad news. She sent me a link earlier today to an article about "self-love" and asked me what I thought of it. After telling her, I then asked if it was applicable to her, and inquired as to what her interest in it was.
She didn't really answer, so I think she is that type of person the article was talking about. Narcissistic. Vain. Psychopathic.
Mm.. What a disappointment. I would have been willing to excuse her polyamorous ways should she be a thoughtful and kind and compassionate individual; but I don't think she is any of those things.
But she wants to be, and thats the amusing part. She's fascinated by me and wants to pick me apart for her benefit.
Well.. The best way to deal with someone like this, is to give them as little information as possible.
If she plans on using me, whether she realizes it or not, then I will be prepared.
I won't be used.
I don't need sex that badly to compromise my dignity with. Not going to part with that, that easily, given how much I've suffered this past year relationship-wise.
I miss my baby doll. Sure, we didn't have any deep conversations about spirituality, but she was a good person. She invited me to her house on the same evening when we first met.
That says something. It tells me that she is a good person, and worthy of being trusted.
To a general extent.
However with Fola.. well, this doesn't appear to be going in that direction. But perhaps it might, I don't know.
I just know she enjoys picking my brain and finds me attractive. Just not attractive or interesting enough to trust, I suppose.
Mm.. This isn't a deal breaker to me by any means, its only an indication. I think for a situation like this, Fola has to be approached with caution. I cannot show eagerness or excitement now. She would only be using it against me, for leverage.
Because, she hasn't reciprocated as much as I have been. Sure, she can talk all she wants about sex and how she likes this or that, and how exciting golden showers are; but the fact that she is unwilling or hesitant to bare her true self; well, that sets off alarm bells in my head.
If she has something to hide, then so do I.
My secrets, my intimate thoughts deserve someone who appreciates them. And reciprocates on a level close to mine, at least.
Fola ended the conversation saying she was at a friend, and I was pretty insulted to hear how she hemmed and hawed when I brought up how I felt for her to end the conversation with the thought of her getting fucked by some other dude.
"Have a good evening," she told me. I was kind of insulted by that, although I know she didn't mean anything bad by it. It just means that my evening is going to be occupied with a particular thought.
Her having sex with someone else, after having "used" me on the phone for a brief spell of entertainment.
No consideration, really. And I was under the impression she was going home from work, not going to get laid. She didn't mention that until the very end, rather than earlier.
Eh, who knows. I read deeply into things, and I haven't really concluded anything just yet. Other than to conclude that the list of cons for continuing on with her seems far longer than the list of pros would be. Would I benefit from a relationship with her? Even if it wasn't sexual?
That part is doubtful. I don't know, but the odds aren't looking too pretty at the moment.
Well.. rant over.. So much for getting my hopes up. The giddiness I've felt earlier today and yesterday have pretty much evaporated.
She wants to be a spiritual person, she wants to pursue spiritual ideas; but she also wants to all that while being selfish.
Not going to happen, unfortunately. You can only mimic and bluff your way to a certain point before you realize you were only pretending the entire time, and that your identity is based on false assumptions and fulfilment of ego.
A rock cannot be a twig, no matter how hard it pretends to be.
But I believe people can change. And I'm open to seeing if Fola will end up surprising me. But I still get the sense of being used, and if we have sex, then.. well, I will definitely feel used, since I doubt she is the giving kind of person in bed.
She's a taker, that's for sure.
Makes sense.
So.. shields up.
This is going to be quite a test.
I already knew she was poly, and that she was involved in a sexual relationship with a guy and a girl, in addition to her husband, but man.. in the words of Han Solo, "I've got a bad feeling about this."
First of all, I judge people by certain criteria that has reliably demonstrated itself by way of both intuition and observing how they react to certain things.
In this case, Fola asked me what we should be doing on Friday, and I invited her over to my house.
"Your house?!" she exclaims with surprise.
Yeah, not a good sign. I believe that if someone was genuinely interested in you, then they would bring that optimism along with them to a first meeting. They wouldn't be expecting the worse, which is what Fola's reaction implied. She feared the worst, meaning, she doesn't trust me.
So, if she doesn't trust me despite our conversations and our texts and the connection we've been having; then she.. isn't really serious about making a connection.
It's not just this either, but a pile of other small clues that add up to the conclusion I've come up with. Fola is bad news. She sent me a link earlier today to an article about "self-love" and asked me what I thought of it. After telling her, I then asked if it was applicable to her, and inquired as to what her interest in it was.
She didn't really answer, so I think she is that type of person the article was talking about. Narcissistic. Vain. Psychopathic.
Mm.. What a disappointment. I would have been willing to excuse her polyamorous ways should she be a thoughtful and kind and compassionate individual; but I don't think she is any of those things.
But she wants to be, and thats the amusing part. She's fascinated by me and wants to pick me apart for her benefit.
Well.. The best way to deal with someone like this, is to give them as little information as possible.
If she plans on using me, whether she realizes it or not, then I will be prepared.
I won't be used.
I don't need sex that badly to compromise my dignity with. Not going to part with that, that easily, given how much I've suffered this past year relationship-wise.
I miss my baby doll. Sure, we didn't have any deep conversations about spirituality, but she was a good person. She invited me to her house on the same evening when we first met.
That says something. It tells me that she is a good person, and worthy of being trusted.
To a general extent.
However with Fola.. well, this doesn't appear to be going in that direction. But perhaps it might, I don't know.
I just know she enjoys picking my brain and finds me attractive. Just not attractive or interesting enough to trust, I suppose.
Mm.. This isn't a deal breaker to me by any means, its only an indication. I think for a situation like this, Fola has to be approached with caution. I cannot show eagerness or excitement now. She would only be using it against me, for leverage.
Because, she hasn't reciprocated as much as I have been. Sure, she can talk all she wants about sex and how she likes this or that, and how exciting golden showers are; but the fact that she is unwilling or hesitant to bare her true self; well, that sets off alarm bells in my head.
If she has something to hide, then so do I.
My secrets, my intimate thoughts deserve someone who appreciates them. And reciprocates on a level close to mine, at least.
Fola ended the conversation saying she was at a friend, and I was pretty insulted to hear how she hemmed and hawed when I brought up how I felt for her to end the conversation with the thought of her getting fucked by some other dude.
"Have a good evening," she told me. I was kind of insulted by that, although I know she didn't mean anything bad by it. It just means that my evening is going to be occupied with a particular thought.
Her having sex with someone else, after having "used" me on the phone for a brief spell of entertainment.
No consideration, really. And I was under the impression she was going home from work, not going to get laid. She didn't mention that until the very end, rather than earlier.
Eh, who knows. I read deeply into things, and I haven't really concluded anything just yet. Other than to conclude that the list of cons for continuing on with her seems far longer than the list of pros would be. Would I benefit from a relationship with her? Even if it wasn't sexual?
That part is doubtful. I don't know, but the odds aren't looking too pretty at the moment.
Well.. rant over.. So much for getting my hopes up. The giddiness I've felt earlier today and yesterday have pretty much evaporated.
She wants to be a spiritual person, she wants to pursue spiritual ideas; but she also wants to all that while being selfish.
Not going to happen, unfortunately. You can only mimic and bluff your way to a certain point before you realize you were only pretending the entire time, and that your identity is based on false assumptions and fulfilment of ego.
A rock cannot be a twig, no matter how hard it pretends to be.
But I believe people can change. And I'm open to seeing if Fola will end up surprising me. But I still get the sense of being used, and if we have sex, then.. well, I will definitely feel used, since I doubt she is the giving kind of person in bed.
She's a taker, that's for sure.
Makes sense.
So.. shields up.
This is going to be quite a test.
Monday, January 16, 2017
The Silence Between The Notes, Is As Important As The Melody Itself
Nice title, huh? Thought of it in the bathtub earlier today while reading The Witch of Portabello, which I haven't picked up ever since putting it down as I mentioned in my last blog post.
Great book. I'm on page seventy-something at the moment and I'm having a blast so far. Paulo definitely encapsulates the kind of writer I would like to be someday, but boy, his style is a tricky one to mimic.
And I don't think mimicry is my goal, I think I'm more impressed by his technique than anything else, really. Well, maybe that's wrong, I love his ideas as well. What really gets me is how he structured this particular book. He introduces each chapter with an individual speaking of the main character (Athena) as to what their personal experience with that woman was. It's mainly dialogue, which is exactly the kind of thing I feel that I am best at doing, but have to suffer putting in descriptions of surroundings, etc. in my novel simply because that's how novels are conventionally written. You can't just write a whole book of dialogue, could you?
Mm. Of course you can. Of course I can. I just didn't think I could pull it off, even though I have a few years ago when writing those two conversational books in 2009 and uh, 2013 I believe it was. Sure it can be done, but..
Boy, do I need to hone my skills before I can feel confident in taking that approach. I still need to.. uhm, master this craft and my knowledge of the deep fundamentals of English grammar is quite lacking, to be truthful. I just don't care about prepositions, adjectives, fragmented sentences, clauses, etc, but I have to admit that not knowing the correct way of using an apostrophe (its or it's) and a possessive; is making my work look more amateurish than it ought to be.
I love reading. I know I have a knack for the written word, I just haven't troubled myself into learning all the rules governing my own damn language just because I don't feel like its really that important, although if I want to publish anything, it clearly would be.
Piers Anthony once said that in order for someone to walk, they shouldn't need to learn about the tendons and muscles in their legs. They simply walk. They simply write. And Hubert Selby Jr. also shared a similar point of view towards writing. He didn't know the ins and outs of the language like most writers do; he simply wrote what he thought and felt, and that made all the difference.
Anyways, big news yesterday, I met a girl on OkCupid that I'm over the moon with, but restraining myself from being so.
Why? Well, she's married.
Yup. Funny, huh? My life is full of funny.
She's polyamorous. Her husband is okay with her sleeping with other dudes, She already has a guy on the side, and a girl.
But, man. She's..
She's spiritual. She's interesting. She's attractive.
She brings out the intelligence in me, and I feel more in tune with the moments of my day thanks to having her in the back of my mind, and often in the front.
Alongside my ex, who I still think about.
Meh.
I know I'm not going to get my hopes up, but she agreed to meet this Friday, and I have no idea what to expect. We had a nice hour long conversation on the phone last night that went extremely well, so, I'm not particularly nervous about an in-person conversation, but I am a little nervous about physical attraction. Or attraction in general.
I can't fall in love with a married woman, can I?
Such crap. I've said this before in an earlier post, but I'm pretty sure that someone up there is laughing at me.
And I'm putting on quite the show of trying not to let it bother me.
And to be blunt, I kind of like it. Situations like this is making me into a better human being. I'm learning the value of restraint. Of having respect. Patience. Empathy. Consideration. Autonomy.
Lots of stuff.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't interested in pursuing things further with Fola (yes, that's her actual name) but I already know I can't. Can't get married to her. She's not going to have my babies. She's not going to move in with me.
Heh.
So what is this? Just a friendly relationship I guess. Her and her husband being poly, only means that sex may enter the equation and it would be without any strings attached. No obligation or commitment on my part.
Good enough, I suppose, while I wait around for the "right" girl to make her debut on the stage of my comically tragic life.
Mm.
Yeah.
One step at a time, and I'll get to where I need to be.
And once I get there.
I'll, uh..
Arrive.
And probably will scale a different other kind of mountain once I reach the summit of this one.
Mmph.
Let's hope it all works out.
Great book. I'm on page seventy-something at the moment and I'm having a blast so far. Paulo definitely encapsulates the kind of writer I would like to be someday, but boy, his style is a tricky one to mimic.
And I don't think mimicry is my goal, I think I'm more impressed by his technique than anything else, really. Well, maybe that's wrong, I love his ideas as well. What really gets me is how he structured this particular book. He introduces each chapter with an individual speaking of the main character (Athena) as to what their personal experience with that woman was. It's mainly dialogue, which is exactly the kind of thing I feel that I am best at doing, but have to suffer putting in descriptions of surroundings, etc. in my novel simply because that's how novels are conventionally written. You can't just write a whole book of dialogue, could you?
Mm. Of course you can. Of course I can. I just didn't think I could pull it off, even though I have a few years ago when writing those two conversational books in 2009 and uh, 2013 I believe it was. Sure it can be done, but..
Boy, do I need to hone my skills before I can feel confident in taking that approach. I still need to.. uhm, master this craft and my knowledge of the deep fundamentals of English grammar is quite lacking, to be truthful. I just don't care about prepositions, adjectives, fragmented sentences, clauses, etc, but I have to admit that not knowing the correct way of using an apostrophe (its or it's) and a possessive; is making my work look more amateurish than it ought to be.
I love reading. I know I have a knack for the written word, I just haven't troubled myself into learning all the rules governing my own damn language just because I don't feel like its really that important, although if I want to publish anything, it clearly would be.
Piers Anthony once said that in order for someone to walk, they shouldn't need to learn about the tendons and muscles in their legs. They simply walk. They simply write. And Hubert Selby Jr. also shared a similar point of view towards writing. He didn't know the ins and outs of the language like most writers do; he simply wrote what he thought and felt, and that made all the difference.
Anyways, big news yesterday, I met a girl on OkCupid that I'm over the moon with, but restraining myself from being so.
Why? Well, she's married.
Yup. Funny, huh? My life is full of funny.
She's polyamorous. Her husband is okay with her sleeping with other dudes, She already has a guy on the side, and a girl.
But, man. She's..
She's spiritual. She's interesting. She's attractive.
She brings out the intelligence in me, and I feel more in tune with the moments of my day thanks to having her in the back of my mind, and often in the front.
Alongside my ex, who I still think about.
Meh.
I know I'm not going to get my hopes up, but she agreed to meet this Friday, and I have no idea what to expect. We had a nice hour long conversation on the phone last night that went extremely well, so, I'm not particularly nervous about an in-person conversation, but I am a little nervous about physical attraction. Or attraction in general.
I can't fall in love with a married woman, can I?
Such crap. I've said this before in an earlier post, but I'm pretty sure that someone up there is laughing at me.
And I'm putting on quite the show of trying not to let it bother me.
And to be blunt, I kind of like it. Situations like this is making me into a better human being. I'm learning the value of restraint. Of having respect. Patience. Empathy. Consideration. Autonomy.
Lots of stuff.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't interested in pursuing things further with Fola (yes, that's her actual name) but I already know I can't. Can't get married to her. She's not going to have my babies. She's not going to move in with me.
Heh.
So what is this? Just a friendly relationship I guess. Her and her husband being poly, only means that sex may enter the equation and it would be without any strings attached. No obligation or commitment on my part.
Good enough, I suppose, while I wait around for the "right" girl to make her debut on the stage of my comically tragic life.
Mm.
Yeah.
One step at a time, and I'll get to where I need to be.
And once I get there.
I'll, uh..
Arrive.
And probably will scale a different other kind of mountain once I reach the summit of this one.
Mmph.
Let's hope it all works out.
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
The Witch
Reading Paulo Coelho's "The Witch of Portobello" at the moment, and almost immediately I was struck by an insightful line of prose.
"No one places her dreams in the hands of those who might destroy them."
After reading that sentence, I closed the book and fired up my phone so I could write this post.
I have been placing my dreams in the hands of those who.. Have destroyed them. Many times. And like a weary Phoenix, I always seem to reluctantly rise again from the ashes.
But, trust is so essential in building a relationship with someone. Shouldn't it be? If my dream is to love and be loved by someone worthwhile, then it would make sense to trust them with the admission of a dream like my own. Wouldn't it?
But lines like what Paulo has written, makes me wonder. Past experience makes me wonder; and I realize the harder I try, the more dejected I feel and the likelier I will suffer a disappointment of some kind or another.
But, if I have to conceal such a dream, if I am too afraid to openly confess to wanting it, or to refuse to live my life in a way that honors such a dream; then what is the point? How can I be true to myself, if I have to supress such a yearning in the presence of others?
Why am I forced to lie, to prevaricate, to manipulate notions, ideas and clues of self-identity? Because I am afraid, that's why. I'm afraid of having my heart broken yet again, and then blaming myself for whatever has transpired.
I'm so saddened by thoughts like these. I feel like such a whiner, as well. As if I was six years old looking at an expensive toy that I can't afford to buy, but wanting it just the same. More and more as time passes. The urge gradually becomes an obsession, and my imagination feeds into it and places the item on the highest of pedestals; disregarding it's actual value.
But what I want is valuable. It's the most valuable thing in the world, isn't it? To be accepted. Appreciated. Loved for both what I can offer, and excused for what I cannot.
So, then, I should hang onto these dreams, but maybe.. Maybe I..
I don't know. I texted Gina a link last night to a song by my favourite artist at the moment. Paige and June, is the title. It's a sweet and moving piano instrumental and I felt so compelled to share it with her, and only her (because she loves Debussy) that I sent it over.
Even though I'm certain she wouldn't respond. And I'm equally as certain, that my messages are being blocked, so she hasn't received it anyways.
Woe is me, right?
It bothers me how effortlessly some guys are able to find a decent long term relationship for themselves, and I'm baffled as to how I haven't been able to achieve the same. So much so, that I'm really pouring over the tiny hidden details and memories governing my interactions in past relationships so I can correct my mistakes and come to an understanding of them.
And no guy does what I do, I don't think, most of those who are in stable long term loving relationships. They just seem to get lucky. Right place, right time, and they rarely go the extra mile with their girlfriends. Flowers? "Haven't bought her flowers in years" some have told me. Let alone having deep, meaningful conversations and/or dressing nicely to keep their woman pleased. That's just some of what I've observed. Effortless reward. Even if many do complain about having been with the same person for so long, they at least have that stability, that acceptance. That person in their life who is at home, waiting for them to arrive. To wake up each morning with. To watch tv together and talk about their day. Everyday.
(sighs)
I'm such a whiner.
Part of what I realized about Gina yesterday, is that I unintentionally diminished her. I saw her as a lesser person at one point, because she wasn't stimulating me enough intellectually. We never had a long and passionate conversation, really.
Not like the ones Gyngie and I have.
So.. Yeah.
I don't know what else to say.
She was the one I was looking for, but my arrogance got the better of me. I couldn't appreciate her as much, because I didn't explore her mind enough. Sex was the main event of most of our interactions. I never thought we could have a deep and insightful conversation together, so I never really tried at having one.
My mistake. Hers too, I suppose, but men should take the lead in such matters, and I failed in my duties.
I'll accept responsibility.
I just wasn't ready for her.
(sighs)
I know that now.
I'm slowly getting better.
But I wish I was better back then.
Before it all went to shit.
Hang onto love when you find it, but keep a gentle grip. Know that living an autonomous life filled with self respect is much more important than aquiescing to the whims of other people, who may unintentionally compromise that self respect.
Be powerful and vulnerable all at once.
No fear.
Only authenticity.
Authenticity is all that matters.
Never let anyone usurp it.
Not even your deepest desires.
Monday, January 09, 2017
Listless
Looks like Marion offered to come visit me this Saturday, and given that she will be arriving in the afternoon; I'm kind of certain that she will end up sleeping over.
And you know what that means.
We're texting like mad right now, well, maybe not mad, but frequently and I sometimes have these "pop in" thoughts of a certain so-and-so every time I say something funny.
I wish I was having this conversation with my ex. Not Marion, I'm sad to say.
I'm sure she's a great girl. She has a pretty smile, but.. I don't know until I meet her if she's someone I would get along well with. Texting is one thing, meeting in person is another.
But, yeah. I've noticed this habit of mine where if I experience something amusing or interesting; I tend to think of Gina, and wish I could share that moment with her. Whatever it is.
God, I'm really hooped. I.. man.. I miss her. And I learned from that relationship, and with Gyngie; I also learned how to be in a long-term relationship.
Wish I learned all that stuff before I met Gina. I just wasn't ready for her.
(sighs)
Well, that's all I really wanted to blog about. Nothing too remarkable going on at the moment. Reading Timothy Zahn's "Heir to the Empire" and watching Narcos at the moment.
Smoking, smoking like a chimney. Not really moving ahead with my life, really. Other than this Marion business going on at the moment.
Pretty sad, actually. There aren't any jobs at the moment for work, and the weather is so lousy that even if there was; I couldn't be psyched about getting out there and working in this all day.
So it looks like I'm going to have to dip into my line of credit to cover expenses for this month. Again. My savings have dried up a while ago.
Not the best life, I admit. It's easy, but... listless. The only excitement I'm getting at the moment really, is the possibility of meeting someone interesting enough to start a relationship with and possibly having sex. That's about it.
Life should be more than just that.
My book is a tough one. The next chapter requires some creative thinking before I can begin writing it. I've put in all these.. things in the story, that I will eventually have to account for, and it is kind of boxing me in a little. So.. I'm going to have to keep thinking about how the next chapter will go. There's a bunch of loose ends and plotlines that need to be wrapped up and preserved.
(sigh) hopefully it'll all come together at some point.
Mm.. I really should quit smoking. Start exercising. Start meditating.
But, I kind of.. don't feel motivated at all to do these things.
Listless..
That about sums it up.
So much for the great changes Gina inspired in me over the summer.
I knew it couldn't last.
And you know what that means.
We're texting like mad right now, well, maybe not mad, but frequently and I sometimes have these "pop in" thoughts of a certain so-and-so every time I say something funny.
I wish I was having this conversation with my ex. Not Marion, I'm sad to say.
I'm sure she's a great girl. She has a pretty smile, but.. I don't know until I meet her if she's someone I would get along well with. Texting is one thing, meeting in person is another.
But, yeah. I've noticed this habit of mine where if I experience something amusing or interesting; I tend to think of Gina, and wish I could share that moment with her. Whatever it is.
God, I'm really hooped. I.. man.. I miss her. And I learned from that relationship, and with Gyngie; I also learned how to be in a long-term relationship.
Wish I learned all that stuff before I met Gina. I just wasn't ready for her.
(sighs)
Well, that's all I really wanted to blog about. Nothing too remarkable going on at the moment. Reading Timothy Zahn's "Heir to the Empire" and watching Narcos at the moment.
Smoking, smoking like a chimney. Not really moving ahead with my life, really. Other than this Marion business going on at the moment.
Pretty sad, actually. There aren't any jobs at the moment for work, and the weather is so lousy that even if there was; I couldn't be psyched about getting out there and working in this all day.
So it looks like I'm going to have to dip into my line of credit to cover expenses for this month. Again. My savings have dried up a while ago.
Not the best life, I admit. It's easy, but... listless. The only excitement I'm getting at the moment really, is the possibility of meeting someone interesting enough to start a relationship with and possibly having sex. That's about it.
Life should be more than just that.
My book is a tough one. The next chapter requires some creative thinking before I can begin writing it. I've put in all these.. things in the story, that I will eventually have to account for, and it is kind of boxing me in a little. So.. I'm going to have to keep thinking about how the next chapter will go. There's a bunch of loose ends and plotlines that need to be wrapped up and preserved.
(sigh) hopefully it'll all come together at some point.
Mm.. I really should quit smoking. Start exercising. Start meditating.
But, I kind of.. don't feel motivated at all to do these things.
Listless..
That about sums it up.
So much for the great changes Gina inspired in me over the summer.
I knew it couldn't last.
Sunday, January 08, 2017
Glitch
Thought I'd mention something interesting that happened yesterday while driving to the local thrift store.
Inexplicably, I thought of a woman I dated. Her name is Brandy, and we hung out two or three times. Had sex with her, and haven't seen her again. There just wasn't anything going on between us and we were both lonely, so..
After that thought, I parked in front of the store, which was closed due to the holidays and I got back into my car where not a second later, Brandy walked by. She missed me by a fraction of a second really, as she turned a corner and I entered the car.
Weird stuff. I didn't say hi to her or anything, but it was surprising to have been thinking of her a minute before she magically appeared in front of me.
See, I wish I had bigger coincidences than that, to convince me of something outerwordly being in motion. In my blog, I made mention of several small ones but there hasn't really been a huge coincidence that has an undeniable mystery to it. They always seemed like either a gentle tease, or something cooked up by my overactive imagination. Except seeing Brandy, wasn't my imagination. It's far more convincing.
Just not enough as I would like it to be.
Mm. I'm always looking. Wondering if the world is truly connected, and that coincidence is more mystifying and indicative of a larger truth than any of us could ever know.
I'm reading this book on quantum mechanics at the moment. Heady stuff, but the bullet points I've gleaned from it all had to do with evidence for the interconnectedness of life and everything around us. Particles and waves are each one and the same when it comes to photons, at least. The same goes for subatomic particles and the strangeness of quantum entanglement.
It's all so weird, and so right at the same time. We are all connected. Coincidences are deliberate manifestations. But of what? Myself? God? Other people? Am I manifesting reality, or am I being subjected to it? What would the point be, of a coincidence like I experienced today? Was it so I would think about it? Blog about it? Or something else, that factors into a picture so large that I cannot see my role in all of it? Who knows.
Which begs another question: who really knows, and how can I'd ever know for sure?
What is truth? How can we be so certain of facts or prove out certain theories, when there is no way of really knowing what is true and what is false, if we lack the instrumentation and perspective needed to confirm any of our suspicions regarding the metaphysical nature of reality?
So, really, I think the solution to satisfying my intellectual curiosity in all this, is to not over analyze, but to enjoy it for what it is. A joke. A smile that the universe is giving me, and a smile that it likely is giving itself as it watches my reaction. A dance, shall we say. This brief moment of surrendering to mystery and accepting the wonderment it brings, without breaking it down to pieces and trying to put it under a microscope. To look at with the hard, skeptical eyes of logic bereft of the beauty of imagination.
In short, coincidences are the moments that remind you of something beyond what is perceived as reality. It is the strange meeting of a friend you haven't seen in years, in a place where neither of you frequents; and the odds are staggeringly beyond measure for such a thing to happen by chance alone.
Mm.
But what does it all mean?
I guess my curiosity will always be getting the best of me, because I'd really like to know.
I want to know pretty bad 😕
Escobar on Netflix right now. And speaking of coincidence, I had a girl message me today on okcupid who I talked with two years ago. She didn't remember who I was until I reminded her.
Marion, is her name. She didn't remember a single thing about me, but we're catching up again. Who knows if we'll work out though.
Weird.
I'd love to see the big picture.
But, maybe a million immortal monkeys can in fact, type out a Shakespeare play word for word given enough time.
Somehow, I doubt it. There is a guiding intelligence involved behind the scenes.
And an order in all things.
Everything is exactly as it was intended to be.
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