Hi blog. How are you? I'm doing okay, thanks. Wasn't as bad as yesterday, but still just okay.
Remember how yesterday I mentioned the new room? Room 111. And so, as I was reading a book (the challenge of the mind by Okawa) on the way home from work, something tugged at me to draw my eyes downward and noticed that I was on page 111.
Page 111 talked about the caution necessary against inflating the egos of others. And as I continued to read, I began seeing Fola in all this. I inflated her ego. I said I love you, too many times. I always wanted to be with her and rarely said no to us meeting up.
So as I'm reading, I realized one of my biggest mistakes. I did not keep to being humble and authentic with her. At least not after she started getting angry with me for no reason. That first time, I walked away for two weeks.
And after that, I gradually was worn down by her. I still remember her riding me on top while we were in bed, having sex, and I felt such an outpouring of emotion that I blurted out the first "I love you" to her. Shortly after our first breakup.
She looked at me and smiled, and said,
"That's fucking hot."
And it all went downhill from there. I would tell her I love you, and would sometimes get an "I know". That really hurts. And myself, being insecure the way I am, kept feeling like I had to work harder at having her say those words to me in the same genuine and sincere way that I did.
But those words never came.
And her ego just kept getting larger.
So, it's also interesting that shortly after reading a few more pages of my book, I felt different. I made a tiny breakthrough, and I started feeling more present and aware of myself. My feet slowed down. I was paying attention to my surroundings more. I felt happier, and more at ease.
In my room, I checked out her liked videos on YouTube. More interesting stuff. She liked two readings done, one involving the Tarot and the other was a psychic astrology reading.
The Tarot one suggested that she would get with her soulmate at the end of October. One of the last cards, was a ten of cups, which had the person (magician and the star) exclaim how she was going to be meeting her soulmate.
(sighs) and earlier in the video, it talked about her having to use her intuition to decide letting a "death" take place, which was suggested to have been our last relationship. Now, I was pretty impressed by this reading, and so I went to see what the girl had to say about my month (sagittarius) since she seemed to be on the ball with scorpio.
For mine, the first card was about writing. And she talked about how I was wanting to express myself through writing, and that I would need strength to carry it through and speak the truth. Interesting, also.
But it was the last card that made me pause. Ten of cups. I'm also getting my soulmate.
(sighs) it's either us, or its not.
In the other video I watched with a psychic, she told (Fola) to settle for someone easy. In the Scorpio version, she said she had a long road ahead of her as far as finding a good relationship goes, and personal success. Saying she needed to wait six or seven years before it could happen. Funny how Fola didn't like that particular prediction, and only liked the general one rather than scorpio.
As for my sagittarius one, that lady advised me to the value of walking away and not hanging on to someone that doesn't want to meet my standards in a mate. But, she also advised me to keep my door open for when they do.
Very interesting predictions on both of them. So, writing is what I have to do. And I was thinking today about sending a partial manuscript of mine to the writer in residence at the library to comment on. Great timing. Second prediction advised me not to hang around with those that bring me down, but to leave the door open for them when they change things around.
All in all, this month could conceivably end up with us being back together.
I know, I know. Naive as fuck, but I'm curious to see how it will all play out. Both of us are getting soulmates, apparently. I have to walk away, and Fola has to decide on either killing the memory of us and the possibility of our being together, or to work towards being the woman I'd want her to be.
In the second video, it made references to her sexual infidelity/multiple partners. And other things were said in both predictions that seemed to match her perfectly.
Anyways. Whatever happens, happens.
I can only walk away.
For now.
But, boy.
I still miss her.
Long day at work. I have to go to bed.
Good night blog.
I love you buddy.
Even if I write with all the emotional maturity of a 15 year old.
You never seem to complain or laugh about it.
Thank you.
