Well blog, sitting on the toilet here and needing to go to sleep soon, so I'll be brief.
Another mini breakthrough from that book I've been reading. GAFPDF is the acronym I came up with to describe the six grand delusions that keep one from being humble and authentic.
They are, 1) Greed 2) Anger 3) Foolishness 4) Pride 5) Doubt and 6) False ideas.
Shortly after getting back with Fola, I realized that I've succumbed to all of them.
I was greedy for attention, angry at her for being thoughtless/selfish, foolish in speaking and acting impulsively, prideful of my worth above her own, doubtful as a result of all the uncertainty she brought in and false ideas about... Well, that part I'm not completely certain about.
Another thing the book advised was to give, and to give is to get. Giving without expectations is the best way to be. But, I went overboard, and didn't give from a place of authenticity.
Missed Fola at around noon today, for a brief spell. I can't understand how this is possible after all the agony I went through with her. Maybe, I just feel like..
I don't know. Lonely, yes. But... Hmm.
Maybe I miss not having enough opportunity to realize our potential. Maybe I miss just having the opportunity to become a better man, by keeping consistent in the face of unpredictability and hypocrisy.
Another thing from the book, is to not compromise my values. That's not happiness. I knew this instinctively, but didn't stick to my guns enough to really make my views clear without muddying them up with repetition. Words that didn't match my actions. Forgiveness when there shouldn't be any given, due to a lack of remorse, or confusion, or respect.
Got outed this morning as being hard of hearing. Superintendent/GF announced it. I thought I would be mortified, but I found myself hardly caring. He noticed yesterday that I failed to turn around to hear him softly ask if I needed a hand with something while I was busy concentrating on this map I was reading. Not expecting anyone to approach. There's always voices around, so I naturally tune them out. But I missed hearing him, and so, he asked if I was hard of hearing. I said yes, and he announced it to the whole crew this morning.
Oh well. Ostracized again. I'm different than everyone else, and what else is new?
Mm. Phillipino dreaming. Kevin in the office had me excited about living in the Philippines due to how cheap everything is. He claims to have a beachfront property with ten acres and a 5,500sq ft house. He only paid 25 grand. I didn't believe it, but I saw all the photos. Amazing. I really would love to live there.
(sighs) time for bed. It sucks.
Good night blog. Sleep well my friend.
Tomorrow is a new day.
