Hello blog, seem to have gotten to bed early tonight and woke up after 1.
Work. Sighs. Work is chaotic right now. It doesn't seem like most people here know what they are doing, but are doing their best regardless.
I'm proud of this for some reason. I've never seen what it looks like behind the scenes, in the office, at a major refinery being built.
The reason I am proud, is because I admire the grit and determination and faith and capability of each of us who are having to deal with a structured formula of madness. Doing our best to impart a structure and routine onto that which has no structure, and very seldom becomes routine or predictable.
Just before I started this post, I had the compulsion to google some old friends of mine that I haven't seen or talked to in years. Tina, Shane, Jerry, Dwayne. Prior to that threesome Tina tried to get me into in 2009, we were all pretty close. But after that incident, we drifted apart.
So it was interesting to see where they are now. I wasn't able to answer the big questions, like if anyone was married or had children; but I did get to see where they all ended up.
Shane is nowhere to be seen or found, and probably is still working at Costco. Even though I had hoped he would make traction as a guitarist, and did have a false alarm in seeing tickets to a local show featuring a "Shane Howard" but it wasn't the one that I knew.
Jerry was the first guy I searched. Last I knew, he was working in graphic design. Today he is working as a brand manager for Novosbed, a local foam mattress manufacturer. That was a bit of a shock. It seems that he abandoned design around four years ago, having left the company I remembered him at, to work at another for a few months, and then went on to become involved with mattresses. There is no twitter account. There is no social media presence on him.
Dwayne who once worked as a typesetter and thought about becoming an electrician when we last met; is now a desktop support dude. Apparently helping others on a technical level.
And Tina. She was the one who surprised me the most. She's moved outside of the city, and is now a teacher for a distance learning centre. Her photo is as beautiful as it was when I first met her.
https://www.adlc.ca/author/tina-saramaga/
An author, too? I haven't found any books she's written, but maybe I need to google a bit more.
In thinking about how far my friends have come, I realize that this world waits for nobody. We each had our dreams and aspirations, but none of us (apart from Tina) seems to have achieved them. This saddens me because I really wanted to see everyone do well. To see Shane become involved in music for a living, to see Jerry be an accomplished graphic artist, to see Dwayne do something of merit and its a painful truth to accept that without effort and determination and faith and grit, we aren't going to make much of an impact on the world, and for ourselves.
Saying what I said opens up a philosophical can of worms, because I believe we don't have to become famous or well known or successful in order to have an impact. But we do gain more power and ability to make real changes in our lives and in others, when we pursue our dreams and see rewarded for them.
If I don't exemplify and execute on my dreams, then I shall not be able to turn them into reality.
I will still be in the same place I am now, ten years later. If I don't take my life seriously enough. If I don't value my time and energy.
If I don't love myself, I won't have anyone else love me. That's just how it is. Be the change you wish to see. Walk by faith and not by sight. Always stay focused. Always try and keep yourself moving and growing.
Otherwise the years will pass by, and you will have little to show for that time.
Each minute of every day is important. Living fully in the present moment with a clear sense of who you are and where you want to be, is what makes all the difference. There are distractions everywhere. There are always reasons not to want to focus on goals and dreams. We're not good enough. We're not filled with faith enough. We're not deserving.
And so, it is easy to lose sight of why we are here to begin with.
Fola received the book I sent her yesterday. Conversations With God volume one, and wrote me asking if I sent it to her. I responded yes, and when I didn't get a reply for an hour, I sent her a picture of a page from Paulo Coelho's book "Manuscript From Attica" in which he talks about love, and how receiving is just as important as giving. My point with that, was to show Fola that she wasn't receiving my gift correctly, and she then replied saying thanks.
She got the hint.
Well, blog. I still don't know about her. My heart yearns for someone like her, but at the same time, I have to accept that we just aren't.. Able to get along.
As amazing as it was with us, it became evident to me that Fola just wasn't ready or capable of being in the type of relationship that I've always wanted. Well, maybe she is capable, but not willing enough to take the relationship seriously for us to succeed. She certainly is not a loving, warm, intelligent or even rational woman. I looked at her Pinterest and YouTube accounts for the first time in weeks, and saw more of the same garbage.
Tarot reading and Abraham Hicks videos on YouTube, and pictures about becoming successful on Pinterest. The most interesting exceptions, was the one picture I saw that said: "People think I'm crazy for believing in magic, I tell them that I'm sorry that they don't" or something along that line. Basically acknowledging that she's crazy.
The other exception was a video about what it means to be unconditionally loving inside of a relationship. I thought the woman talking, was a bit off-kilter and uhm, eccentric, I suppose.
Otherwise, more of the same.
She hasn't changed. I can't hope for her to change, either. I can't dream of us being together, although I do think about it sometimes. There's this place in my heart that still has a piece of her attached. But it is surrounded by pain and sorrow and unrealized hopes. Each time I think of her, I see this sorrow come bubbling up. I sometimes think of her as a thorny rose that I can only look at, but not touch.
Earlier today while reading Paulo, I was struck by an amazing quote:
"Love is an act of faith, not an exchange."
And that right there, was what I needed.
I.. Asked for Fola to reciprocate. I treated our relationship as a form of exchange. Although at first I wasn't selfish, it eventually happened that the more I gave, the less I was receiving. The less faith I began to have, the more conflicts that came up between us.
And I also realized that I did put all that faith into the idea of being in love with her. With loving her, and I did. And I still do.
But expressing it is tricky. With her, especially.
And she does not respect a man that fawns over her.
Which makes it difficult for me to imagine how I can love her and not want to be with her. To give her gifts. To make her happy.
With Fola, I could only be happy when I was happy myself. Living without any expectations.
Even the expectation of being loved in return. Or respected, at least.
(sighs) I don't like thinking about all this. I've given her what I thought was my best, and I suppose my best wasn't enough to inspire her to do the same.
That's just the way it is.
I began to see love as an exchange rather than an act of faith, and that is the mistake I am going to be living with. But in fairness, it was a mistake that Fola helped me to make.
Mm. Almost 3am right now.
I'm not sure what else I should be saying.
I'd like to reach out to her, to share with her things. To ask about her day. To have fun conversations with.
And I can't seem to be able to believe it will be possible again with her. Not anytime soon at least.
I still recite my mantra from time to time.
Fola loves me unconditionally, and has acknowledged and apologized for the mistakes of the past.
Mm. Well. We'll see.
A leopard may never be able to change its spots.
And that could for for me, as well. But I do try. I do make efforts.
And it's all I can do right now.
I am being lovingly guided towards a higher and happier purpose in life.
And I must remain optimistic that there is a God out there, and a path for me to follow.
But I also must be able to believe in myself.
Right now, I'm making money. This is part of my path. I may soon be able to finally buy hearing aids.
(sighs) I keep thinking of stuff I haven't blogged about lately that I should have, but couldn't find time for. I'm typing this on my phone and not my laptop, and it wears down on me.
I'm going to end this by saying that I love that woman, and I hope she will someday come to her senses.
I am also hoping that someday I will come to mine.
Despite all the years of heartache, I have still yet to call myself ready for someone truly special, because I have not mastered certain lessons.
Lessons that I am getting better at understanding.
So, thank you blog, for listening. Thank you Fola, for testing me. Thank you God, for all that you have given and led me towards.
And thank you, David, for always being willing to try.
Keep trying.
