Okay blog. Listen up.
Weird energy shit is afoot.
Started yesterday as Fola kept emailing me. I remember very well at around noon when I felt my heart... Move, or get squeezed? It skipped a beat, and that is when the floodgates began to open up inside.
Heart warmth. Then it was the third eye and this energy overcame me and I could feel it pouring from my eyes. Not making this up.
I'm still not sure how to rationalize it. In the morning, Ken made a crack about my driving that soured me a little. I felt listless, almost, at the beginning of the day.
Then, the emails. Think we've exchanged four or five by noon time. I remember those feelings came about shortly after sending her a message where I gave it a laser-like focus. Just stripped out most of the fluff that my writing often produces. Crisp, clear points were raised about issues in the past between Fola and I.
Dam bursted. Spent the rest of the day feeling charged and amped up. When I mentioned this to Fola, she decided to be snide and told me to google narcissistic supply. A crack made from when I accused her of being a narcissist, and claiming the same thing of her.
Today was more of the same. There was an elegance about myself. Movement felt fluid, graceful and precise. Thinking was clear and expansive.
Can or should I be crediting this to her? Or was it all me that prompted those feelings? Or is it a combination, a synergy between us?
Yesterday she implied, well, said that she loves me.
I can only feel two things. Love and hate. Well, right now it's mixed. Kind of in-between.
Today she sent me a book from a hundred years ago called "the science of getting rich", though it was similar to other books like Think and Be Rich, The Secret, etc.
She really does want to be rich. But I have mixed feelings. I want and will become wealthy, but I will not grow complacent. I will use my money to benefit myself as well as others.
As my mantra has stated. Those intentions from awhile ago are still being recited.
Perhaps Fola will love me unconditionally and will acknowledge and apologize for the past.
And I am being lovingly guided towards a higher and happier purpose in life.
So help me God.
I still don't think Fola is a good person. I still think she represents temptation. I still deserve better.
But there is no denying the way she makes me feel. I've not felt like this with anyone else in my entire life.
Narcissistic supply? Yes please. I'll take two scoops of it.
My head is in conflict with my heart. Something is occurring behind the scenes that needs to get played out. Not sure what, though.
Maybe another chance for me to be a man about all this. I've been paying attention. I give her too much of my thoughts and feelings.
And she gives so little in exchange.
Mm. Not going to let it bother me anymore. I'm through getting upset with her. She'll probably test my resolve again. I have to be prepared.
Talked with a man named Omar at work today. Nice dude. Black. Showed him a picture of Fola and I and he thought she was beautiful.
(sighs) outwardly so, my blog. Outwardly so.
I don't know anymore. Looks like I'm stuck having to follow this particular trail of crumbs and see where it leads.
Off a cliff, or into paradise.
Either way is probably better than to maintain the status quo of nothing really happening.
So, I may as well keep the possibility of Fola and I getting back together in mind. Could happen. May not, either.
I'm being tested again.
I don't know if I'll pass this time.
But maybe I will.
Temptation waits.
And the music in my ears is turning mediocrity and routine into a movie being played out before my eyes with a soundtrack attached.
Feels amazing. This is what life is supposed to be like.
People at work are treating me differently. Got complimented earlier this morning by Chris. He said I was awesome at computers. Or amazing, can't remember which.
I like feeling this way. If Fola is responsible, so be it.
I'll keep my head up and heart open.
And see what happens next.
