Pretty decent day I've had. Or night, to be more accurate. Quarter moon out there, had this little star above it, made sure to repeat my affirmations again.
1) I am blessed with great wealth and prosperity so that I may better myself, and others.
2) I am being lovingly guided towards a higher and happier purpose in life.
3) Fola loves me unconditionally and has acknowledged and apologized for the mistakes of the past.
Yeah, I know. That last one shouldn't still be there, but it is. Maybe it'll come true a year from now, maybe it'll come true in death. Maybe it never will. I don't know.
But I found it interesting tonight, that when I was looking at that moon and saying the first two; I decided to change it a little.
3) I am loving and loved, unconditionally, by a woman I am deeply happy to be with and attracted towards.
So, it could still be her. Who knows.
I also am mindful that tonight I really did a good job of letting her go. She wasn't in my thoughts much. Justin managed to trigger a moment when he showed me a porn video on his phone that had a black woman in it with tattoos. Made me think of her, and also made me feel like Fola wouldn't be unlike that woman in the video, if the right guy came along to persuade her.
She is that gullible, and it worried me.
No longer. I now know how much of a heartless person she is. I can't possibly hope for her to come to her senses anytime soon. She's gone. She's lost. She's...
Soulless. Irrational. Crazy, selfish and impulsive.
I'm also being mindful of physical sensations today, and I started playing with the thought that maybe it wasn't Fola that is responsible for them. Maybe that warmth coming out from my chest, and that third eye feeling were really from me. Or from something else. A higher self. My true twin flame.
God? I don't know.
But I am paying close attention.
I've read an interesting article today about synchronicities. It made the suggestion that it's caused by strong emotions that are inclusive between two people. Or two points of being. The inner, and the outer.
Which makes sense. I remember how I was prior to meeting Fola. I was still thinking about Gina from time to time. I had that heat from the chest happening when I first wrote Fola a message on okcupid. I also had it before I even sent that message.
And, I can't really say for sure who or what is responsible for these feelings. I'm feeling something right now. This kind of.. Essence, about me. Like my soul is too big for my body, that it sticks out about a couple inches from my chest.
I'm feeling optimistic about my situation. Despite having to take over as lead QC now that Justin is leaving. My hearing still sucks, and I'm bound to miss out on important information as relayed by the people I will have to interact with. I'm not looking forward to driving the superintendent to the office. I'm not looking forward to trying to decipher what he is saying, as he speaks quickly and quietly. Even though he knew early on that I had trouble hearing.
I'm still looking forward to what the future will bring.
I wish I could say.. No. I did learn from Fola. I learned to be honest and authentic, and not to be quiet when I am being disrespected. I've also learned to be careful about how much of myself I give someone. Especially when they aren't giving me nearly as much in return. Their thoughts. Feelings. Vulnerabilities.
The whole of their being.
Gina did this. Fola did not.
I want a Gina again. But with a bit more in common with what I am passionate about.
Someone I can enjoy being with. Being myself with. Warts and all.
And who will be able to do the same.
Some day, God. Someday.
Some day you will surprise me.
And I pray not to mess it up.
It's all I can do.
Three more shifts to go, and I get a week off.
And then the real work begins.
On myself. On my heart.
On my soul.
On my dreams.
