Rough day yesterday, still rough today as I have not slept since.. 1pm Sunday.
I don't get it. There is something very strange going on with me starting from when I got up. The first indication of it, was this strong "third eye" feeling going on. I still don't know what to make of this thing. Apparently I'm supposed to have more psychic powers and intuition if I can feel it? I've yet to really see proof of that. Or if it may just be something else altogether.
I'm thinking it might have something to do with the mineral supplements I take once in a while. Yesterday before bed, I took two instead of one, and I haven't had any of those in weeks.
But maybe that's not it either.
I had a date to go see a movie with Kelly at 3:30. She wanted to see "It" which I thought looked pretty bad (another remake!) and I've seen reviews that say it was a Netflix kind of watch. Not a 15$ trip to the theatre sort of film. So I then suggested to her that we flip a coin for It and Blade Runner. Obviously Blade Runner is the better choice, right? So she flipped and said I won, and then tried to renege on it by saying she only watches one movie a year. I told her I would pay for her ticket. She refused. I then told her she could go watch It and I'll catch her after Blade Runner finishes. She then changes her mind again, and says I "owe" her for her going to see Blade Runner instead. She then suggests I can make it up to her by taking her to the Calgary zoo.
(sighs)
Kelly is that crazy girl who sent me the boob shot. And I don't mean crazy in an endearing sense. I mean crazy. She can talk non-stop about practically nothing of interest, making me want to shoot myself in the head or hang up on her. I almost did hang up on her twice when I arrived, and she said she wasn't going to make it. Explaining in far too much detail about how her brother was still sleeping and that he was "on his way" to give her a ride, and then she kept talking about random stuff like the Offspring concert and this Buffy musical and.. my God I wanted so bad to hang up on her. I told her that I parked at the theatre, and instead of being apologetic about my having to drive out there to see a movie that she was ... Oh, get this part. Earlier before I left, she said she was going to be putting on a fox costume. A FOX COSTUME and it's not even Halloween! Apparently.. yeah.. well, she's crazy.
During the conversation I could hear her 17 month son crying in the background and making noises. My God, I feel so.. bad for this woman. For the child, too. She...
(sighs) She is seriously damaged. She apparently was sexually abused more than a dozen times and had sex at an extremely young age. Her dad is a psychopath, and she says her family would instantly hate me, because they don't think there are any trustworthy men out there.
...I excused myself on the phone, saying that I needed to go and use the washroom. She then kept talking and talking until something went off in her mind and she says, "it sounds like you really want to get off the phone" and I said yes, I did. She then tells me she will let me know when her brother comes to pick her up and... Yeah, it doesn't matter. I told her we can do our date another time.
I went to see Blade Runner on my own. Beautiful looking film. Depressing in some ways, also. The imagery and the depiction of the value of a human life was rather bleak. It didn't leave me feeling good at all while watching any of it, and I love science fiction.
Oh, wait a minute... It did make me smile once. There was this scene with a holographic Elvis singing "Can't Help Falling In Love" on stage. I was all bright-eyed and appreciative once I saw him sauntering about in a shimmering blue. Very well done. Apparently it was a stunt double that resembled Elvis.
After the movie ended, I saw my text and Kelly asked if I was still interested in seeing a movie at 6. Apparently I was supposed to hang around and wait for her at the theatre until her brother would arrive. Yeah, right. As if I'm going to sit in my car and wait. Again, she didn't apologize or offer to make it up. Or to take me up on my suggestion of doing something else later on.
Again, I felt.. well.. this movie and her conversation and then the text at the end.. well.. I felt crushed in a way. I was then supposed to go with Justin and a few other people to see Necro performing, and I didn't want to. Necro is this gangster rapper with violent lyrics. Bitches and hos and guns and sodomizing dead bodies sort of thing. I didn't want to make my day even worse, so I texted Justin saying that I wasn't going to come and that he could sell my ticket.
I then sat there at South Commons wondering what to do next. I don't know why, but I then decided to drive 40 minutes outside of the city to a lake. In the dark. It was a pain trying to find it, and I ended up parking by a small pond because I couldn't figure out where the access point was.
And I sat in my car on this lonely gravel road, stepping out for a smoke and looking at the stars; and I... felt this weariness inside of me. I started talking to the Creator again. Telling him that I understood that this was a lull. That this was a dip. And that it would be temporary. I told him I would appreciate his guidance because I didn't know what I should be doing. So far I've wasted my first few days off. Didn't write anything. Didn't work at pushing myself forward like I thought I would be doing. Just pure complacency.
And I chalked that all up to... well.. I chalked some of it up to not having been guided. I know... I should be taking responsibility for my own goals and decisions, but inspiration and "signs" are things that I need to have to know that I am on the right track. Or to even know what the right track would be.
I didn't stay there that long. It was cloudy out, and I couldn't see as many stars as I would have liked. I then drove home. Feeling defeated. Having been stood up on this date, having stood up Justin, having not texted Michelle back for lack of anything to respond with; and.. there were thoughts of her again. I don't want to even write her name.
It felt like.. I've severed connections. I didn't hear from Susan today. I asked Robin if his business idea was an Amway thing, and he basically said that yes, they were one of the main suppliers. I then thanked him for his time, and said I wasn't interested in pursuing this idea further.
Tomorrow night there is a "motivational" talk being held at the Shaw Conference Centre that Robin invited me to. Looking at the website, there was no mention of what event was being held. Robin himself said there is no website for me to look at and wouldn't give details on what was going to be discussed, exactly. I thought it was shady as hell.
(sighs) I still remember finding those park keys. It all came about so.. smoothly. Finding the keys, meeting Tyler, having the conversation that we did and then.. then this.
If I truly believe myself to be lead upon a path, then I do not understand why I would have to be lead towards an Amway MLM scheme. Maybe I should have taken it seriously, but I don't think much good would have come of it. If any. But... it's possible that I could have met someone interesting. Or that I would have learned something of value. I don't know, but I decided to close the door on this idea. Too much secrecy. I felt like I was being preyed upon.
And, yeah... I'm in bed.. coming up on 24 hours awake and I'm not feeling that tired. I spent the last six hours or so playing Battlefront like a dork. Prior to that, I was in bed trying to fall asleep from 10pm and on. But I couldn't do it.
That third-eye feeling is still with me. I wonder if it is related. Starting to feel a little sleepier now, though.
...
I feel like an idiot typing this words. Living the life that I am living. I have no direction at the moment. I want to write, but I don't know what. I don't know what exactly can I do to make a positive difference to the world, and to be able to make a living doing it. I keep thinking I am an okay writer and not an amazing one, and if this is true, then why should I bring more mediocrity into the world? Why should I limp my way across the finish line in getting a book written? What would the point of it be, if not to satisfy my own ego? There is nothing that is persuading me at the moment to finish writing any of my books. I am not encouraged or excited to do so.
And perhaps.. this is how it has to be for now. A lull. An interlude.
And I have no choice but to accept this.
But it has been a strange 24 hours so far. I pulled three Tarot cards today for a lark, thinking that third-eye sensation was going to produce genuine results.
Got three cards when I drew one for the past/present and future.
The "past" card was the Devil.
The "present" card was the 5 of Pentacles
The "future" card was the Son of Pentacles according to the Wild Unknown tarot deck I am using.
The meaning of the Devil card was pretty clear. 5 of Pentacles indicates misfortune and suffering and to be cautious during this time and to be introspective and to meditate.
Future card was about who I am, apparently. A gentle good-natured person who is trustworthy.
Guess that's the future for me.
(sighs) I really needed guidance, and when God appears to be silent I have to look inside of myself. And when my higher self is silent, I have little else to turn towards than tarot cards. When I need answers, I try and go through the proper channels first.
Well... I still don't know what I should be doing with myself right now. I feel like there is no purpose to my existence at the moment. There is a purpose, certainly, but I can only speak for what I feel at this particular time.
Empty. Listless. Unloved. Unfulfilled.
And those are all fine, I suppose. They are temporary. I have seen way too much in my life where I get bogged down by feelings like those, and then momentum builds up and before I know it I'm in a downward spiral for weeks, months and even years.
Not anymore. I'm accepting shitty feelings for a limited time only. They will pass, but right now, I can only grin my teeth and soldier on.
Thoughts of "her" are somewhat persistent today. I am doing okay with keeping myself emotionally distanced. Although I did shed a few tears while I was doing my confession at the lake earlier. Cried for all the confusion and uncertaincy and the suffering I've experienced and the...
Yeah.. all the bad things.
The silence, mostly. I told God that the trees speak to me louder than he does. There are times when I feel so cut off from the source or from love; that I get angry and a little frustrated.
I try not to be either of those things though.
But today I am. I have all of today off and all of tomorrow. I don't even know if I can find the will to summon sending David, the writer guy, an email of my writing for him to look at for our appointment on Wednesday. I am thinking of cancelling it. And admitting defeat.
Defeat, for now, I suppose. Until I will know next what to do.
There is something strange afoot. I feel this compulsion to keep my hands on my chest while laying in bed. I spent a couple hours like this last night. Trying to sleep, but couldn't. I didn't want to move my hands away either, even when I needed to go to the washroom. There is something instinctive going on. Something my intuition is telling me to do, and I better listen to it. I remember having done this after Georgina broke up with me. There is something important about it.
Well, blog... going to sign off now. I'm already laying in bed. May as well go back to laying my hands on my chest again. Fighting off thoughts of her, and darker thoughts that involve self-loathing and pity and all such things.
Wish me luck.
I need as much of it as I can get.
