Sorry blog, haven't posted in awhile. We got moved into night shift, and the adjustment period has been rough going. I'm okay now though, thanks for asking.
Easy shift at the office tonight, as you can see, I'm posting in the middle of the night. Just under four hours before we get to leave.
Strange last couple of days. Fola related, mainly, as I've been reestablishing our connection and working at being sincere and honest and trustworthy throughout. Given how things ended with us, it almost seem unsalvagable to get us back to the way things were; and for the most part, I think I've been doing a decent job of keeping myself in check, throughout. No blaming. No anger. Being as authentic as I can be. Little in the way of my ego popping up.
However, she's still reluctant. I get short responses that don't reveal much. There isn't a whole lot of "I feel" or "I'm feeling like" with her. Hardly anything, really. As I wrote to her in that email saying I loved her, I didn't get a response to that. Not that I was expecting an I love you back; but at least knowing what her feelings are about me, would've been nice.
Today however, something has changed. Pressure in the frontal lobe area, and when Fola didn't write back to my last text about us chatting on the phone later; I assume it was because she was busy with someone. Who knows who, but she rarely texts when she's preoccupied, and that's often the case when she's in the company of others.
Instead of feeling sad about this, I felt this kind of resignation. I mean, it is what it is. We're not in a relationship. We're not boyfriend or girlfriend. She's not obligated to wait for me. I don't have control over her, and I don't think she even loves me. It's all sobering stuff, and anyone who has read my blog is going to wonder why I'm still wanting to talk to and be with this crazy chick.
Because I love her. That's why. And I love the way she squashes my ego. I'm doing my very best right now to be as clear and in control of my emotions and thoughts as possible. And it's working. I feel a pleasant warmth coming from my chest, and a clarity in my thoughts. I feel sharp.
The main reason why I am talking with her again, apart from love, is that I want to honor the connection we had. I want to go to my grave and emerge on the other side, feeling grateful for having met her. What we shared was a gift of sorts. An opportunity for the both of us to experience these incredible highs and lows, and learning from one another to become the best we can be. I don't thinks she sees this the same way I do, but I really don't care if she doesn't. And that's probably why I am feeling extremely... Tuned in, tonight.
I've made peace with myself. With her. And with us. Anything that happens from here on out, is perfectly acceptable by me, and NEEDS to happen in whatever particular way.
I'm not pining after her. I'm... Respecting her, I suppose. Giving her space, giving her my attention, and not asking for anything in return.
She mentioned two days ago about not having read volume one of conversations with God and so, I went into Amazon and shipped out a copy to her house, due to arrive next week. Yup. Didn't have to do that, but I loved reading the first volume, and I love surprising people.
And I love her, my blog, even if she's probably getting drilled by some dude right now. Even if she ignores my texts and writes back generic responses.
Still love that crazy girl.
Mm. She's probably... On the side of evil, more so than good right now; but that doesn't concern me. I'm not wanting to judge or change her like I used to be. She may not be able to love someone the way that I think love should be expressed, but it's her life, and it's her journey. Not mine.
Big step forward for me to admit to all that. And feeling this way is incredible. I don't feel pressured by anything. I feel... Like this love inside of me is a warm raging furnace that I'm doing my best to keep going. To share that warmth with others, also. A candle in the dark, lighting the candles of others. Or something like that.
(sighs) I remember all too well how I succumbed to these feeling when I met Fola. I didn't understand them well, and I grew prideful of having them. This connection to... Whatever. Source. God. Love. Higher self.
I'll try not to make that mistake again.
I have been noticing, also, that there is a bigger picture that I'm seeing glimpses of. Everything I've done up until now, has been necessary to get me to where I am intended next to be. Or to achieve.
I am aware that there is a course charted, and trusting myself and this path, is how I will be able to continue my obligation to the powers that be.
Whoever or whatever they are.
No resistance. That's the key. Confidence, also.
And faith. Both in myself, and outside.
Always.
