Well, just got off the phone from having an hour long conversation with Fola. Yep, yep. Back to talking with her again. I sent her an email Monday night, and that lead to getting one from her, and then texts.
Well... Yeah, blog. I had to do it. Going to copy and paste it below so you can see why.
I've other stuff I could blog about, but I'm tired. Feel like taking a break from expressing myself tonight.
Email time. Enjoy.
Hi Fola, figured you might have blocked my texts, and that's understandable.
Something strange is happening, or have happened to me today. Just a gush of clarity and warmth and good feelings. I feel this strong urge to contact you and tell you that in spite of all we've gone through, I am still in love with you.
I don't expect this to sway you, but I secretly hope it does.
What happened with us? Those crazy moments. How we met. Our fights. The love, the looking into our eyes. Was it all a dream? An illusion? A transition or a phase or the chaser and the runner? Unresolved karma? Soulmates? Twin flames?
What are we? What were we?
And why did we end up like this?
From my perspective, I couldn't endure what I thought were petty arguments. Our last fight was over my not correctly responding to you over a YouTube video. I didn't have the patience left in me to take your complaint seriously. It was a series of these things. I felt that you were trying to bring conflict and drama into our relationship, rather than working to make it better, and that frustrated me.
When you shrugged everything off, the last time I spoke to you, I couldn't understand why we ended up not mattering much to you. When I was subscribed to your YouTube channel, you kept liking videos on how to make money and videos that didn't have much about improving a relationship.
And, as you know, that is what I feel is most important in life. You and I are spiritual beings, and we both know that leaving this world means to leave material wealth and possessions behind. The only thing that remains, is our connection with others. The people we love and have loved and are loved by. That's it. There are no Landrovers on the other side. No acreages. No money.
And it puzzles me as to why you seem to prioritize these things over love.
I know you must be thinking that I am mistaken again, and that you would never elevate material success over relationships, but I feel that you did.
And you would know if you did, or not. Selfishness over selflessness. I am just as guilty of it as you are, but in a different way.
So, since my text likely is not being seen, I am having to send you this. I'm not sure why. But the urge is so strong right now. I saw a picture of you on my phone earlier today, and a rush of emotion came charging in.
I feel elevated. I have been taking time lately to structure out my life, and where I want it to go, and be. And how I may achieve that. This isn't about relationships right now for me, I've been focused on getting my life back on track. And to realize my dream of having a dog, an acreage, financial security, and sharing it all with the lady I'm meant for.
There has been some interesting developments lately. I've got a published writer willing to meet with me in person to look at the book I'm hoping to publish. I also have had some unusual synchronicities coming from those set of park keys I told you about that I found. I seem to be going in a particular direction, with encouraging signs along the way.
That being said, I'm not sure what I wish to accomplish by sending you this. Just have an urge to. Maybe it's important, and it probably is.
There was an interesting tarot reading I had the other day. For the month. The first card was about speaking my truth, the obstacle was strength (to find), and the rest of the cards gave a generally favourable reading and ended with the ten of cups, signifying a good outcome. I'm not going to follow my life according to this, but I feel like it completely is relevant to what I need to be hearing and knowing right now.
And speaking the truth feels good.
I miss you Fola. I apologize for not being patient, and losing sight of who I am while I was with you.
The six grand delusions that endanger humility, happens to be: Greed, Anger, Foolishness, Pride, Doubt and False Ideas.
I believe that I slowly began to commit each of these sins while I was with you.
And I loved who I am when we first met. I don't think you know the entire story of the months leading up to us first talking. I worked hard to learn from my last relationship. It was incredibly difficult to overcome, and I was carrying a lot of sadness in my heart.
Then you came along, and you tested my will.
My blog has been updated almost every day since the breakup with my ex. I have a record of my progress from then until now. While with you, I slowed down considerably as I became more distracted by your behaviour and actions. I still don't understand why you first got angry with me that I had to leave for a few weeks. You haven't yet really explained that to me. And you certainly have never apologized for it.
Rather than bring up more examples of how I felt you were being unintentionally antagonistic, I will instead leave you with this:
I love you Olufolakemi.
Thank you for having been a part of my life. And for teaching me to know better than to place my happiness in the hands of anyone but myself. I control my own destiny. I steer my own ship. And anyone who comes into my life, or is an important part of it, are passengers and often have their own ships to be steering.
We all want what we want. You want financial freedom. I want the kind of relationship we were having early on. Without the drama and the conflict.
And with us both opening our hearts wide to one another. No secrets. No hidden thoughts. No reluctance to speak and show the truth of our words and feelings.
Just love. Of the kind that can ignite the universe and make the impossible, possible.
That's what I'm after, Fola. I wrote an entire book in one month years ago, because I was inspired by a girl that said she loved me. And I wanted to prove to her that it was well founded.
Just like I wanted to prove to you. But couldn't.
And I suppose, you did not prove this to me, also. At least not in the way that I felt convinced of. There were no love letters. Lingerie. Scones, after the "shine" wore off and we began fighting.
I don't blame you for that, Fola. You are who you are. You really place a lot of value on feelings and intuitions.
And I place a lot of value on being honest and open. Even to a fault, as you know.
As I write this, I am thinking of the last time you were at my house. You came to bring me 50 dollars just as I was about to leave. We talked, we touched, we held hands and listened to Max Richer.
And then you looked at me with these sad eyes, and told me that you loved me so much.
Then we had a staring contest for a bit 😊 Which I always have enjoyed.
But, even though I responded to what you said truthfully, that I loved you as well; I failed to really prioritize the meaning of these words. I should not have left to go to that burlesque show with Andee (whom I've stopped seeing, btw) and I should have held you close to me and tell you this one word:
Stay.
Stay with me Olufolakemi Vickers. You are my soulmate. You are the one that I love and want to be with, and build a beautiful future with.
But, I didn't say that. Instead, I doubted your words. I didn't feel convinced by them. I sat there staring at you feeling this kind of amusement, which continues to disgust me to this day.
I think of other things, too. Right now. A dream I had about you a few days earlier, with Ivy. We were in a dark house, and another man was there. Inspecting me as I sat next to you. Feeling threatened by my presence. I got the sense that this fellow was in a relationship with you, and wanted me out of the picture. The dream ended with you and I sitting next to each other as he sniffed my hair.
I don't know what that is supposed to mean.
But, I do know that if we never see each other again, it'll be... Interesting. I'm not sure what the future holds. Maybe we are better off going our separate ways, or maybe we are making a mistake. Maybe this needed to happen, for now, until we balance ourselves out. I'm not sure.
You mentioned that big thing needed to happen before we could get back together. I don't know what you meant by that. How big? What's a good example? More signs and synchronicities? Money? Spiritual messages?
I don't know, Fola. We've had enough signs and reasons to have taken our relationship more seriously than we did. Everything was amazing, when it was amazing. And horrible, when it was not.
But in any case, regardless of what happens from here on out; I am going to be thinking of you with gratitude in my heart. Because this is how I felt towards my ex, Gina, after we broke up.
And gratitude is the right emotion to be feeling. I may regret some of my actions and behaviors, but I will never regret having met you.
So, thank you Fola. For showing me what I need to be working on. What I should be focused towards, and what intensity of love that two people can experience together. I've never met anyone like you before, and I'm not sure how likely it will be for me to meet someone like you again.
Our birthdays are coming up soon. Looking at numerology, I've found some interesting combinations of our numbers. I don't fully buy into numerology, but I do feel that mathematics is the language of the universe. There is a secret hidden in it that we have yet to discover. It's in plain sight, but too elusive to really identify the purpose and meaning of, so I won't list the examples I've found of us.
And, so. This concludes my message to you. I have to go to sleep soon because I've been getting up at 4:11am each day for a 12 hour shift. It's tough, but temporary. I have plans as to what I'll be doing with the money I'm making. I've even stumbled across an interesting idea involving buying cheap real estate. A gentleman I work with has shown me pictures of his property at this location. Ten acres, 5600sq ft house and guess how much?
Under 25,000CDN.
Next to a beach. Tropical area. Gorgeous water.
No property taxes, either. 100-400 year long leases. Bit of red tape involved, but he knows people that can make it easy to deal with.
So. Things are finally moving again. That set of park keys is another long story that lead me to meeting someone who's wife retired at 29. They've paid off 700k worth of debt in under three years. I get to be meeting him for the third time once I'm back in the city.
That's my life right now. I'm focusing on something other than simply a loving relationship. Although I would really like one too. A likeminded partner in crime is much more fun to have than going at this alone.
But I will be going alone at this if I have to.
I want that dog, someday. And a nice place to live.
And somebody to share it with.
I just wish that maybe it could be you.
Hope all is well, and good night Fola.
May we both be blessed in whatever our futures will be.
Loving you always.
David
Also attached this animated GIF of us. For extra sappiness. (sighs)
I do love her.
