We're done.
Yesterday, I tried my best. Talked to Fola on the phone for about an hour, and it's evident that she's too far gone to salvage.
Sent her a heartfelt text, and she responds with "yeh. K."
I'm feeling.. Well, like whatever. I'm sad by all this, but I need to move on now. There's no hope with us. Despite her saying on the phone that she...
I don't even feel like writing about it.
The worst part was when she was telling me about this energy healer guy she's excited to be mentored by.
"I can't stop thinking about him..." she dreamily announces. "oh. I shouldn't be thinking out loud." she giggles.
And she's brought up tarot cards again. Saying something about how the eight of swords equals interference. Obviously suggesting that my presence is interfering with her life.
There's no hope for that woman.
I can no longer be thinking about her. All I'm going to remember is that I crossed paths with evil. Someone who doesn't have a soul.
And, I don't know if I handled this correctly. It doesn't feel like I should be condemning her.
I've given her my truth. My heart.
It wasn't what she wanted.
Or needed.
Well, maybe it was something she needed. Everything had to have happened the way it did.
I can't apologize for doing my best. She hasn't. And so, there's no point to being hopeful about someone that has no hope for us. Or interest.
I'm pretty much a doormat. Maybe my job was to condemn her. But, yeah. I couldn't do it. I did it a few times already.
She's a lost cause.
No matter how eloquently I put out my arguments or share my concerns, it doesn't have an effect. Or maybe it does, but she is not willing to be rational and level headed about any of what I've said. Choosing to deflect responsibility, and to put her head into the sand.
So, God. It is not my place to judge and condemn anyone. She is who she is, and in death, should I be called forth to give testimony; I will stand up and say that I loved her. I loved her and it wasn't enough.
It wasn't what she wanted, really.
And all I was able to do, was to be honest. To speak the truth as well as I could.
To be as patient, forgiving, loving and understanding as I could. Even though I've not always been successful.
But, at least I tried. I really did try.
That's not something I'd ever have to apologize for.
Going forward, I suppose.. I don't know.
Got to move on somehow. There's no point in holding onto her anymore. I'm going to have to remind myself that... (sighs)
I'm still not sure what to remind myself of.
Maybe, that there are evil people in this world. Those who take and rarely give. And to be careful about who I fall in love with.
Justin said yesterday, that I will find a more down to earth girl. Someone who isn't into tarot, astrology, energy work and kabbalah and all manner of random esoteric garbage.
Because, those things have no value when you choose not to understand them. Or if you allow your power to be usurped by forces and processes that are not understood, and can be malevolent in nature.
She has sold off her soul. And though I love her, I cannot do anything other than carry on knowing that there is nothing I can do.
I'm just going to have to accept it.
And, I wish I could write something better about all this than I already have. But, I'm so tired of all this. I don't want to give this any more of my thoughts and attention.
I have to carry on. No matter what.
I believe in God. I believe in a path that is leading me somewhere.
I believe that I am a good man. Even though I do question it some times.
One foot in front of the other.
Head held high.
Heart kept open.
Deliver us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Amen.
