It's been a long while since I last posted. Some stuff has happened but not much because pretty much everyday is exactly the same.
Every morning my eyes open up and I bemoan my awareness of being returned to this place. Wishing I could stay within the dream. I spend an hour or more laying there thinking and attempting to communicate with the divine in that semi-awake state thinking I might have a better chance of my thoughts being heard out there in the astral somewhere.
During this, I often hear the creak of the floorboards above me which is where the kitchen is. My mother often gets up early and spends a lot of time in there. I hear the movement of her steps, the loud drop and sometimes clatter of objects above and... I bemoan my very existence.
I reluctantly get out of bed which is on a thin mattress in my mother's basement and make my way up the creaky stairs. Pushing the door open and wondering if my mother will be the first thing my eyes see this morning. I push out the shame and the discomfort in seeing her.
I then open the patio door and have a cigarette or two. If its warm enough I'll go outside and sit in the chair for a few hours, facing an apartment complex where at least six people can potentially see me with three people that are often there. I push away more shame and discomfort by ignoring their eyes should they notice me in the backyard.
Then the phone gets pulled out and I look for distractions. Videos, twitter posts, telegram posts, podcasts, articles. Everything to do with the news and what is going on in this cursed world of ours.
Sometimes I'll make myself coffee but other times my mother leaps to do it. Occasionally serving me in a dirty/questionably clean cup. My mother does not use dish soap and I flinch in taking the cup each time she hands it to me. Wondering if I will touch a dirty handle or if I feel there is something stuck along the rim of the cup from previously before. I push the discomfort out here also. Caring but not having much choice.. What can I do? Complain? My mother will not listen to my pleas for her to use dish soap no matter how often I bring it up.
After enough of this, I'll go upstairs, change into clothes and go outside for more distractions on the phone.
Then, depending on whether or not I can endure the noise of the backyard or not, I put my hearing aids in and brace myself for the noises of buses, loud cars, people talking, tvs playing and all the noise of this noisy neighborhood.
If I have enough of this, I'll get into my car and grab a coffee. Then I'll go sit in one of two areas, Hermitage park or another spot close by that is fairly isolated but often gets unexpected visitors driving or walking through.
I then distract myself further. Listening to any podcasts I've downloaded or watching videos that discuss how shitty our world is becoming. Not just discuss, but show good evidence of. Making logical sense. Putting pieces of the puzzle together.
And I keep searching for all the information I need in order to answer my own personal questions about this life and the reality we inhabit.
After hours of this once the sunsets and it gets dark, I reluctantly drive home and sit in my car a block away having a cigarette, not wanting to go back in.
But after enough of sitting, I make that left turn a block away, ride over a bumper on the road and park next to my mother's Jeep. Feeling absolute shame and disgust at where I now live.
I go inside and wonder if my mother will come downstairs to tell me what to eat. That she made this or that and to 'warm it up" and this is why I often arrive late at night after 9:30pm. I don't want to interact with her. I don't want her to see my shame, guilt and remorse.
Then, I'll eat whatever it is that she made. Despite my knowing how unclean she is in the kitchen and how she reuses dirty pots and utensils. Not washing her hands, no dish soap, little care for cleanliness.
I swallow my bitter pride along with each bites of the meal that I might not have wanted but am forced to have anyways. No choice in my diet because I simply cannot afford to buy the food that I used to eat.
I sit at the couch eating and mindful that the people in the apartment across might be watching me while I eat. Depending on whether or not my mother left the curtains open, which she usually does.
I then distract myself further on the phone. Having cigarette breaks before changing out my clothes, creaking on the floorboards upstairs where my mother can hear my every step and I head into the basement. Lighting a candle and sometimes vaping weed.
I then lay there and think about all this reality again. Putting together what I might have learned earlier in the day with new ideas and other thoughts.
But I generally come to thinking, what is the point of all this? I did not ask for this horrible fall from grace and dignity that has been imposed upon me. I did not intend for this punishment and loss of self-respect to occur. I did not want to experience any of this.
My thoughts as it drifts into past memories and events, often settles and reaffirms the conclusions I've come to about my life and the trajectory it took to lead me here.
I know I was messed with on a spiritual level for most of my life. Despite praying almost every single night from the day I first learned it.
Each evening I sit on this thin mattress with a flickering candle and feeling my soul sigh out into the distance. Wanting relief. Wanting hope, Wanting some way of making all this pain end.
And my thoughts turn to the many others who I know that are equally as tired of this existence and feel cheated by it. Knowing the extent of the evil that is loose upon this world. Causing poverty and homelessness and depression and death.
Every night I lay here and stare into the dimly lit darkness of the basement I am in and suppress my great shame and heartache. Feeling exhausted by the state of the world and the lack of fire in my own belly. The lack of hope in my future. Dealing with a bankruptcy and no income. Just a few hundred dollars from my tax return. Not much left.
That is the reality of my every day life. I drift to sleep asking for divine intervention, begging for it, threatening for it, lovingly asking and spitefully questioning the relationship that I thought I had with the being who loved me most. The all Father and controller of this world. The one who hears my every thought and feels my every emotion. The Creator who enjoys a unique and special relationship with me.
And my heart and soul is needing reciprocity right now.
Dear Father, Creator, Supreme Intellligence, Holy Mother, Spirit, Soul and Spark; The Son, the Redeemer, The Messiah and Child.
Please Answer Me.
Please.
Though it may have been said that the Evil One is the true ruler of this world according to Yeshua; There surely must be an opposing and benevolent force. There must surely be a force greater than the two of them both. A force that is benevolent and compassionate and intelligently guides and steers humanity into an ideal outcome. Whether that outcome is to grow our consciousness through the endurance of hardship or by other means.
I implore upon this Force to respond.
I cannot endure further days like this. I do not wish to participate in a society that is rapidly falling apart at the seams. I do not care to endure the crushing poverty that is inevitably upon us. The likelihood of race riots, of increased homelessness and crime. Of darkened hearts that seem to grow increasing in number. Sullen faces. Including my own.
It was hard for me not to smile back in those days. I could find good reason to. I liked being playful, silly and witty with the people that I interacted with. I enjoyed connecting with humanity.
I cannot find reason to feel that way. It has been over two years now.
There is nothing worth looking forward to in the future.
Not just mine, but the future of humanity also.
Every single day this all runs through my head.
Every single night is exactly the same.
And I no longer am speaking with Karlee.
She deleted her account.
I suppose it's for the best. Can't afford 10k for a visa to Australia, likely won't be able to find work, might not get along with her kids and she's still living with her husband. Divorce proceedings is going to involve many obstacles that Karlee will have to traverse. The process could take a year or longer.
And it hasn't gone underway, either. She hasn't hired a lawyer yet. Only consulted with one.
So yes, spirit.
Answer me.
Respond to me.
Save me from this nightmare.
My free will has been violated in the past. I did not ask for this outcome to be.
I ask for deliverance and renewal.
I ask for hope.
Thank you.
