More of the same, today.
Dollar Vigilante video, David Icke podcast, looking and replying to posts on Reddit, sitting in my car for hours at a time until its pitch black outside.
Have I already said that I am tired of this?
I smelled myself earlier and realized I haven't showered in three days. I used to be diligent about it until I had to start sharing a bathroom with my mother. Dirty bath mats, smelly towels which she uses and has little white hairs on them despite my telling her not to touch my towel and the feeling of her listening to me shower makes me not want to take one. That woman has eyes and ears like a hawk. Always paying attention to every little thing that I do.
I'm dealing with the trauma caused by all this through distracting myself. At the same time, I'm keeping informed and educated even though everything blends together at times. Same old doom and gloom.
Today was speculation on the US calling a draft. Euthanasia being approved in Canada for drug users and more BS that I think is somewhat pointless to write about. Such as property taxes going 40% up in places like Ohio and Missouri.
We're pretty much screwed. The agenda is moving forward drip by drip and it's hard to keep on track of news items when pretty much every week is another new "event" that makes everyone forget about the earlier ones. Such as with what happened in Lahina, Hawaii.
Real tired of all this.
Going in the drive through to get a coffee at Tims, I saw a homeless man sleeping on the grass. Everyone could see him.
My heart sank at the sight. One guy noticed him as he walked by and smiled at me with a "wtf is this guy doing?" look on his face. I didn't smile back. There was nothing to smile about.
I keep thinking of the could've, should've, would've in relation to being in my own home with all the supplies I need and a low monthly expense to live off of. Taking a shower or a bath whenever I want to. Listening to music out loud. Not having someone stare at me and constantly interrupting with noise and making asinine comments.
I read yesterday that the best way to improve a relationship with parents is to move out. So true. I can't handle living with my mother. My heart sinks and squeezes and the tension of her suddenly popping up to say something or making a racket in the kitchen or assaulting my nostrils with whatever she is cooking and...
I'm so tired of all this.
What is the point anymore? I refuse to live like this but what is the alternative?
Being on the streets? Sleeping on the grass like that homeless man? With winter coming?
I'd rather be gone from all this. The homeless problem is only getting worse, not better and most people look down on people who have unplugged themselves from the system. Thinking they are mentally ill or lazy or addicted to drugs.
That is not always the case.
It hurts watching the city I was born in deteriorate and be filled up with strange faces. I saw two young black kids pull up close to me to get out of their cars and smoke a joint. In a spot where I thought I had some privacy.
I can't find privacy close by where I am. Always a vehicle nearby. Always a pedestrian. Always a homeless person.
I have to drive 20 minutes to Fort Sask to find a spot where its relatively peaceful and even that isn't guaranteed with vehicles driving by on the isolated road I like to park at.
Where are you God?
Why have you abandoned us? Why have you abandoned me?
Prayed every night for most of my life and I can hardly see many good moments where it felt like a divine gift was being given.
Instead, just a lot of heartache.
It's hard to keep going. Last night I was awakened early and had trouble going back to sleep. It was around 7am when I did. Waking up at around noon and laying there on my thin mattress with an itchy scalp and trying to connect with a higher power. Hoping for answers or inspiration or some form of acknowledgement and connection.
If at death the question is asked, "where were you? why didn't you help me when I needed you most?" and the response is, "because you have free will" is not going to cut it. I understand the importance of personal responsibility but I also know that if my child cried out for help, I would do my best to provide it. And not in the form of hard "lessons" either.
We may only be here a short time but I feel like I've overstayed my welcome by more than a year already. Living in this place. Aimless and without hope.
Calling out for a response.
I can't even build my energy up. It used to be baths, video games, music, cleaning/maintaining the house, reading a good book.
No way for me to take a private bath, gave away my Xbox, can't enjoy music, not going to clean up after my mother, nothing to maintain or care about because she does it all herself anyways and almost all of my books have been donated/given away.
Just stare at the screen of my phone. My eyesight getting worse over time. Can't afford glasses, either.
The solution I want is the easiest one. If we are here to experience the reality we choose, I choose abundance. That is what I chose before all this crap happened. Praying each night and expressing gratitude and envisioning the ideal outcome. Dreaming about visiting and possibly living in Nicaragua while I rent the house out and live off that income.
No longer is that a possibility given my current situation.
I did not ask for this to happen.
I've been searching my soul. Trying to figure out if my connection with the Creator was misplaced. Perhaps we are all individuated units of consciousness within a network that we label as "God" across all of our belief systems and lack thereof.
If so, then this is a simulation.
If that is so, manifesting a desired outcome is a possibility. Reality would be more mutable within a simulated infrastructure.
Part of me hopes this all ends. We can't keep going on like this. Taxes are only going to go up. Interest rates are going up. Property values keep going up. Credit is being tightened.
I shake my head thinking about the many people around the world who are suffering trying to make ends meet and keeping a roof over their heads. I cannot imagine raising a family and being responsible for their welfare at a time like this.
Not unless I was rich.
I suppose a plus from all of this is that a lot of illusions were dropped. I now understand the importance of independence. I show more respect towards money although I am still somewhat bothered by us having to use and chase after it.
Where is the kingdom of God? Within. That is what Jesus told us. The kingdom of God is within.
The riches and all possibilities are within me.
If this is a simulation, I want to... no, I will win a lottery jackpot.
I will win a lottery jackpot as delusional as it may sound.
Because once it happens, my purpose becomes ever clearer, my faith restored and I will set out to help people as best as I can.
One thing we really need is an encrypted Reddit clone that we can communicate securely without any censorship or surveillance. It's similar to the Headtwerk idea I had posted on Medium. A Reddit clone app that can be accessed through any device without going through the app store and possibly with stored messages on the blockchain with varying levels of access allowed through the use of a subscription fee would be a gamechanger. It also would plug-in to being a content delivery platform.
I'm tired right now. Physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted. I'm going to wake up again in the morning to the creaks of my mother's footsteps on the floor above me. The noise of the buses that go by every 15 minutes. In this dark basement I am in laying on a thin mattress.
It's pathetic.
I will win a lottery jackpot.
I will prove the existence of divine intervention.
Or at least prove my ability to create this outcome.
I don't know how or when or with what numbers.
But I will.
And I'll change the world.
Deliverance and renewal.
I and the Father are one.
