I'm pretty tired.
My mind goes into the past and does the "should've, would've, could've game" where I envision new choices for the situation I was in.
For instance, should've broken up with my ex in that first year. Right around after we went to Arizona where it was evident that she was manipulative and didn't take our relationship seriously.
2008 was around when housing prices in Edmonton started to spike and double in value. I wanted to buy a home in Saskatchewan as an investment property. Went to get myself approved for a mortgage and called the real estate agent to see what was available. Upon mentioning this idea to my parents, both of them said it was a bad idea. The year after, those cheap homes doubled in Saskatchewan.
Should've bought Apple stock in early 2000s once I saw what a gamechanger the iPod was going to be. Thought about it but for some reason didn't pull the trigger.
Should've finished my insulator apprenticeship earlier while we had the boom going here. People were making money hand over fist with all the overtime we were getting. Double and triple. But I didn't want to insulate for a living and didn't think I would be doing it for 20 years.
Should've tried harder to find those cannabis stocks in 2016 when I saw Trudeau run on the platform of legalization. I remember typing in a search engine unable to find anything and then later gave up. Canopy Growth went from a penny stock to $70 from that time until legalization.
Should've, could've, would've.
Shouldn't have allowed my parent's opinions to sway me. Shouldn't have allowed them to plant seeds of doubt into me. Should've been bold enough to follow my own path.
And today was more of the same. Got up, looked at the phone. Left the house to find a quiet area and was unsuccessful. Watched more videos of doom and gloom. Went to Tim Hortons and did the same. Sat on the side of the road in the dark and...
More of the same.
I don't want to keep giving my energy to this shit. Israel and Hamas and all the drama of everything going on. The sky is falling, the sky is falling.
Been that way since 2020.
Should've sold my Gamestop shares that morning. Should've set an alarm clock. Should've cut my losses as quickly as I saw them appear instead of waiting for them to go back up to the 200k I wanted to sell them at.
Should've, could've, would've.
Shouldn't have gone to St Paul where I lost both my passports. Shouldn't have bought all those preps before I had paid off my debt. Shouldn't have convinced my mother to sell the house when I could've still declared bankruptcy and lived in it.
Should've, could've, would've.
Should've waited for someone like Karlee instead of getting involved in relationships that did not help me become a better person. Relationships with women that shared my values and dreams.
Should've put more faith into myself than into other people. Should've been proud of who I am and what I had to offer the right lady. Should've been patient.
Should've, could've, would've.
Should've stopped myself when I felt that "other" spirit enter me and recognized it for what it was. A negative entity. Should've not confused it with "intuition". Should've been more questioning and less in fear.
Then again, the fear was intense at times. Too long of a story to get into.
And now here I am. Regretful, resentful, pessimistic, angry, traumatized.
It's like that Pawn Stars meme. "I'm never going to financially recover from this."
I keep thinking of being in my old place. Laying on the couch, taking a candlelight bath with a book and music, raking the leaves, cutting the grass, trimming the hedges, working on my garden, keeping the driveway and sidewalk shoveled in the winter.
Should've, could've, would've.
So now what? I am in the deepest and darkest of holes right now. There is so little light up where I look into the sky. There is no glowing hand reaching down from above to pull me out from this.
I successfully avoided going to Northgate with my mother today. To apply for this handicapped benefits. I'm glad we didn't have a fight over it.
At this late hour, I can hear her walking around upstairs in the kitchen. She's constantly coming down for food. The floors creak.
I can't sit still without feeling like I need to pull out my phone to find content to distract myself with.
More doom and gloom.
You are what you consume. Gloomy content = gloomy character and outlook.
I used to play Star Wars Battlefront and watch movies and all these other things to help get my mind back on track even when I was looking at all the negativity.
I don't even have an Xbox anymore. Most of my movies donated to thrift shops and no interest in watching them either. No interest in listening to music. Can hardly focus on a book and no way of me taking a bath when there's only one bathroom in this entire place.
I'm so tired of this.
I am a part of the collective consciousness. I am a child of God.
I am a creator. A creative and intelligent individual. Ideas come easy to me. Trends are easily spotted.
But...
I'm pretty tired, blog.
I'm real tired of all this.
There's no way for me to build up my prana in the living situation I am in. Each time I go outside for a cigarette I see two rainbow flags staring at me along with the bright parking lot lights and sometimes people on the balcony watching me. Looking into the living room if I don't completely close the curtains which I can't because Princess likes to sit in her cat tower and look outside.
This is...
Sighs.
This is ...
The hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my entire life.
Finding peace is next to impossible.
Finding contentment is extremely difficult.
Finding privacy is so rare.
And finding things to express gratitude towards is pointless.
I can't even decide on the food I want to eat each day. My mother makes those decisions. Looking into her fridge makes my soul hurt. Half eaten items, all unorganized and... everything is unappetizing and random.
Flies buzzing around in this place. Disgusting looking garbage can. Food sitting around outside for "the birds" which can sometimes mean chicken drumsticks and lasagna and old cat food.
The insanity of this place has gotten to me. No wonder I keep disassociating from everything.
There's no hope to be found in continuing to live here with my mother.
I don't have much time for an intervention.
I need one immediately.
Not a human one.
But from the God who has a special plan for me.
If this God even exists in the way that I used to think he does.
If it is even a He.
The whole world is hurting in its own way.
But not like me.
My pain...
Is unique.
I realize that parents have injured children in Gaza. I realize that many have been killed.
There are no words to express the pain they must be experiencing.
It humbles me at times but...
It does not alleviate or marginalize what I am going through.
Another day of nothing. I don't feel like I am making any progress in any aspect of myself. Not financially, not physically, not spiritually.
I'm in limbo. I can hardly...
Can hardly...
Find faith in anything these days.
The only thing I have right now is Princess. She's the only thing that gives me a bit of joy.
And smoking my brains out. Although I would rather I not even bother with any of it. I had quit for a year before the downward spiral started.
I can see why addicts are addicts. Sometimes drugs help us cope with ourselves. Insulating us against the pain of both the inside and outside world.
I haven't had alcohol in a long time. I haven't smoked weed in over a month.
Never done hard drugs and never will.
I am so sad...
So fucking sad.
I cry for both myself and the world. The ignorant among us. Like my mother, who parrots the opinions of what she sees on tv.
I used to be a leader. Now she's the leader because I cannot fill that role.
I am not in that position right now to fill it.
My decisions will forever be questioned although I came so close to earning massive respect.
Had I sold those shares.
Had I set my alarm clock that morning.
Should've, could've, would've.
Take me home.
End this.
or begin something new.
