Strange energy I'm feeling tonight. Even Princess is behaving differently around me. She's sitting next to my lap and purring loudly even though I am not petting her.
The day was the same thing over again. On my phone from the time I got up, checking up on the news in Acapulco and other places and then went to sit in the park in my Jeep for a few hours. Listened to a podcast on the disappearance of the plane from 9 years ago, watched a video on Gnosticism and escaping into the higher realms and Karlee just texted me a few minutes ago asking how I was doing.
My heart is heavy. But there is a warm... presence in my chest right now. I think that's good although I don't know what it is or what to do with it.
But maybe that's why I'm here on the blog writing. Just needed to get a few things out there.
I'm pretty tired. Weary but not entirely aimless. I am still going over in my head the list of things that I want in my life and said a prayer out loud earlier.
I look at Princess and I feel sad. If only I was in my old home. She would've loved to be there with me. She did love being there with me the few times I looked after her. That huge yard would have been such a joy for her to play in and explore.
Here is nothing. She meowed in distress about an hour ago and made gagging motions as if she was going to vomit. Nothing came out except some saliva but I couldn't help but think it's probably because of the garbage food my mom feeds her. The cheapest stuff on the market. She does not give her fresh food each morning but lets it sit there and then puts "fresh" food on top of the old. Oftentimes the bag of cat food isn't sealed so it loses its flavor and could get mold or other toxins inside. The cat treats she has is inside of an open jar and is exposed.
I am reminded of my stepdad Chris and how he did the same thing with the 5 cats they had before. Fed them shitty food, didn't seal it properly, constantly smoked around them inside the house and almost every cat was obese and died prematurely.
It bothers me so much. I just want to rescue Princess, take her with me onto an acreage or inside of a fenced yard with grass and let her enjoy herself. Buy her good food even if it costs a little bit extra and trim her coat as it needs to be in the spring so she doesn't shed and get overheated.
My mother and my stepdad don't have real empathy or understanding within themselves. For years I've complained about how they fed their cats and didn't give them the best care. I am reminded myself of how for over a decade I felt like there was something wrong with food that my mother cooked and prepared due to her lack of cleanliness and her carelessness. I'm sure in her mind that she thinks she is a great cook and that she is... a really good and moral person.
But... This is what most people see when they don't spend enough time with her. "Your mom is so nice!" Justin once told me and... if he lived with her for a month, he would start to see the... issues she has with herself.
I am not here to judge but there is something wrong with her. Something dark. On the outside is one thing but... What kind of woman would choose to stay with an abusive partner who once swore at a six year old child using the F word? Or a man who pulled a knife on me? A man who threw a cue ball at another guy in a bar? A man who... I don't want to get into it. Could type a novel on how much of a...
Sighs. I don't want to talk negative about either of them or really any one at all. Including my ex.
But I do feel that energy/sensation in my chest right now. In the past it often preceded a woman coming into my life. As if I was being readied to meet them. I don't think that is happening right now unless I am simply feeling what Karlee is sending me as she texted minutes ago.
My stomach is gurgling chaotically. It happened after I had a couple bites of my mother's "apple cake" which I'm sure there's something wrong with. Old flour, dirty hands, energetically tainted or whatever the issue is. Something is not agreeing with me.
I remember more than ten years ago I was aware of something being wrong with her cooking. There was a photo taken of the dinner table at Christmas where I was with my cousin and I was in in mid-bite. I looked like I was being... Well, I looked unhappy eating and so did the people at the table. Unsmiling and forcing themselves to eat.
In Reiki, they say you can bless your food by touching it and sending a positive vibe. I believe the opposite can be true. My mother likes to frequently touch food with her bare hands regardless of how dirty her hands are. If she eats pasta or anything with tomato sauce, there's a good chance she will stain her clothes.
In my last post I mentioned how she used this disgusting dirty kitchen rag to dry her hands after using it to wipe off the grease from the oventop. This is the extent of her thoughtfulness.
And living with her is like she's putting out this frequency that I don't want to tune into but am affected by regardless. She often comes downstairs while I'm on the couch and does stuff which causes this bubbling of resentment within me. Whether she's causing the dishes to clatter in the kitchen or burps and yawns and farts without thinking... It's like this energetic intrusion that I cannot remove myself from. This unwanted radio frequency that gets put out and reminds me that I'm not allowed privacy or to be alone with my thoughts. She will see me with headphones on listening to a video and will start talking to me about something banal, not caring if I'm busy and ignoring her.
I'm sure she thinks she's a good person but... her frequency is dissonance. I cannot stand to be around her for long periods at a time and unfortunately that is why I often leave the house to get away from it.
But even when I do, I can't find privacy anyways. Always a car going by with the driver looking at me and making eye contact. Always a pedestrian or a homeless person.
This truly needs to change. Every day is exactly the same as the last.
I am scratching myself from possible mold contamination, my stomach is gurgling, I feel acidic and I'm constantly smoking cigarettes. Resenting this place completely.
My eyes darted to the clock. 11:11pm it says.
Reminds me of my ex who would constantly point it out.
I hope I'm on the right path and that God has a special plan for me.
But like I mentioned in my last post. Time is running out.
Deliverance and renewal.
I want to help the world but I first need to be helped.
I need to be restored and made whole.
I can't do it in this place. I need to leave. I need a sanctuary. I need independence and privacy.
I need my true home.
I await the signal.
