It all seems so pointless.
This fake society, with fake people believing fake news and living their fake lives pretending like nothing is wrong and we're still in the "old" world where we mistakenly believed we had some semblance of fairness and freedom in this place.
I briefly glanced at my last post and it triggered memories of all the other posts I've made on this blog. Begging for help, commanding help, affirming I will help myself and so on and so forth.
Something needs to change. I do not want to participate in this sorry excuse for a reality any longer.
In the car earlier today I was looking up places to live at if I theoretically had unlimited money.
Let me tell you, it was a struggle. Mexico, Southern British Columbia, Poland, Nicaragua...
Some of these look like nice places but with the exception of BC I would have to learn Spanish and navigate a foreign country all by myself. The learning part isn't bad but... by myself?
I mean, it's not impossible but I thought about how lonely it would be. I wouldn't even buy a mansion if I had unlimited money. Just a place close by a beach with a nice view.
Still, it was a struggle. Which is why I took a look at Southern BC.
Even that didn't interest me. Who wants to live in this woke country?
Looked at Australia a few times and... even with unlimited money I have a hard time justifying a life there. Yesterday there was an article about how all the meat in Australia is now going to be vaccinated.
Which I guess doesn't matter. I'm probably filled up with spike proteins or some other unwanted substance from living with my mother and having to eat her food. Which by the way, pains me each time I see her making it. With dirty utensils and with the cheapest product she could find. Likely meat already contaminated with who knows what.
I'm tired of this. The nicest thing I saw on my search was a castle in Slovenia I believe. Which is a place I could go due to having EU citizenship via Poland.
Still, as nice as Poland is...
Well, maybe Poland is about the best place I could find. Have some family there, nice clean country, not overrun with immigrants. Reasonably affordable to live there. Some houses looked cozy.
Still though, alone. All alone. No girlfriend, no wife, no friends.
Alone.
And even if I were to have unlimited money and moved to Australia to be with Karlee, to recover and to help her with legal and living expenses and so on, it would still be a challenge. Not only to be eating vaccinated beef, but living in a place that is swiftly becoming cashless and filled with "woke" clueless politicians and people who do not seem to be opposing them in great enough numbers is depressing.
Unlimited money and I can barely come up with a dream or a plan to execute on. Doesn't matter where I go in the world I'm still going to be lonely. Still not going to "fit in" like I haven't really been able to fit in here in Edmonton.
Living with my mother. The absolute worst of it all next to being homeless and on the streets.
What is the point of this life? I search my memories of the past and look into all the things I could have done differently.
So many things.
I would've bought a house before 2006 when the prices began to double. But my parents did not encourage me to do so and I was petrified by the responsibility of home ownership because I was not made to feel like an independent human being who is capable of living his own life.
I had no guidance from either of them growing up. My dad didn't pass on any skills to me that I can think of and neither did my mother. Maybe some recipes but that was only upon my insistence.
When I think about reversing our roles, I as a parent would love to get my child to learn as many things as he/she could. To teach them what I know, to encourage them to go towards their dreams, to foster a sense of independence and "can do" and to open up their reality to the many possibilities that it offered more than 20 years ago before everything started crumbling and going to shit.
I've never had a mentor. Didn't have anyone who truly cared about me. Well, perhaps my mother did but at the same time I question her approach and attitude. I resent her at times. Wishing she didn't divorce my dad, wishing she didn't keep on treating me like I was a six year old unable to take care of himself.
They say perception is reality and I feel like living with her makes me dumber and less capable and less optimistic and less willing to forge my own path.
Living on my own shortly before I had to leave, I did feel like I was on the right path.
So close... all because I didn't wake up that one morning early enough to sell all those Gamestop shares. And for whatever stupid reason, not selling those shares later in the day when the price was obviously crashing. All I saw was 200k in my portfolio the night before and then 170k when I woke up about an hour after the market opened. Didn't want to sell because I wanted it to go back up. My goal was 215k even though I decided the night before I was going to be happy with 200k.
It has been over a year and a half now since this happened and I am still kicking myself. Wishing I could have done things differently.
Had a suitcase packed up with tropical clothing ready to take a vacation once I liquidated my portfolio and paid off all my debts. I was ready. Thanked God out loud in my car that day it reached 200k but couldn't sell because the market closed minutes after I glanced at the number in my bank account.
It's all so pathetic. I thought God had my back on this. I felt like I achieved something incredible going from 20k to 200k in about a year. Trading this stock and that. Working my butt off and making the right decisions.
Now look at where I am. Nearly broke, bankrupt, no job, no independence, no credit, no home.
No dreams left.
Except that thought in the back of my mind that I will win a lottery jackpot.
I know, it sounds impossible but it isn't. Despite my suspicions that the lottery is rigged, I sometimes see very normal people celebrating their multi-million dollar wins.
What happens to them afterwards is what I know very little about. Did they move out of the country? Start a business? Retire? Shared their wealth with friends and family? What dreams did they realize? Why don't we hear enough about their lives? Probably because they want to remain anonymous and I can't say I blame them.
Still, its all so pointless. Israel blowing up Gaza now... innocent men and women and children who had nothing to do with any terrorist group. Can hardly afford to feed themselves and are living in constant fear of the next attack. Whatever and whenever it may be.
My heart breaks for the world. No one is talking about the earthquake in Turkey earlier this year where tens of thousands have died or lost their homes. No one is talking about Lahina in Hawaii that has been reduced to rubble with residents being given "$700" to rebuild their lives with after having lost everything and many insurance companies refusing to adequately compensate them.
So much suffering in this world. I'm sick of it.
So sick of it.
It has been getting colder here lately and I still do the same thing every day. Wake up, have a cigarette and go on my phone to see what is new in the news. Secretly hoping for that singular event that will destroy it all and we no longer have to worry about being attached to this slave system that is progressively making it harder and harder to exist within due to the rising cost of living and inflation that appears to be worldwide and intentional.
Those bastards who rule this planet remain faceless and unaccountable. Laughing at us behind their backs as they munch on caviar and get away with their crimes. Servants of the Demiurge. Evil, soulless scum looking to impoverish and control the planet.
I keep hearing about how we are heading to a "new" Earth and I can see some signs of that in terms of people waking up but this will not make interest rates go lower. This will not make housing affordable. This will not mean free energy or less unwanted immigration or the elimination of woke ideology being taught in schools and perpetuated within the media.
The tides do seem to be shifting however. I can see conservatives taking power and restoring law and order but it will be like it is now - a BS illusion designed to placate the masses. The bleating sheep with the few goats that are left who are able to think for themselves and can see what is going on.
Support Ukraine now has turned to support Israel. I predicted Canada would be sending them money and I was correct. Turdeau announced 10 million dollars as a "for now" payment going to Israel.
OUR tax dollars at work. Each and every Canadian citizen has the blood of innocents on their hands whether they like it or not. Nobody voted for this. Even if they did, I bet the majority of bleating triple-vaccinated + sheep are going to say "heck yeah! let's level Gaza!" without having a clue as to the history of this conflict. Attention span like gnats.
I'm so tired of this. Unlimited money and I still struggle to see what a good plan would be.
Mexico or Poland...
Still...
Doing it all alone. I'll be alone when I get there and then what? Suddenly make friends? Suddenly find the girl of my dreams?
Who knows.
I would've liked it if things were different. If I could welcome Karlee in my old home, with the beautiful way I decorated it, the colored lights and the laser projectors and the cozy feeling of the place. Private and secure.
I'm still grateful for having met her. So thankful she came all this way to see me but remorseful that I couldn't deliver on the words that were coming from my heart.
I do love her. I do want to be with her but...
This sadness of mine... this situation I am in...
She once asked me if I was depressed and I said that I didn't think I was. That I was more sad than anything.
But perhaps I was wrong. Depressed might have been the correct word to be using.
Where can optimism come from in a situation like the one I am in?
Really. How can I find anything to dream for or be excited about? Living with my mother. Waking up every morning on a thin mattress with an itch in my scalp from either dryness or bugs or something that I can't identify.
I hate it here.
When I see the homeless congregating and walking around in this city, I sometimes wonder what keeps them going. Why bother with this? Who the hell wants to be homeless in a Canadian winter?
And in my mind's eye I see the tents in the river valley imagining how cold they must be. How could they possibly be finding food, venturing out in temperatures that can kill a human being.
What do they think about when their eyes open up in the morning?
Another day of nothingness? Of struggling to survive? Unsure of where their next meal is coming from?
Do they turn to God? Pray? What do they believe in?
What makes them smile?
Why not just end it? Euthanasia laws here have become extremely relaxed but who knows. It might be a lengthy process. Perhaps they would have gotten denied. Maybe they need an actual home address and perhaps they don't have the means to schedule an appointment or to fill out the forms required because they're all online and require a doctor's approval and witness.
I've thought about it myself to be honest. A year and a half ago driving around Fort Sask looking for a good tree to hang a noose off of.
Had I ended it then, I wouldn't have met Karlee. I might not know more about the reincarnation/soul trap that I have researched since.
But does it even matter?
Death is death and who knows what awaits us on the other side. Do we take off our VR headsets and go "whoa, that was quite the simulation!" ...
Somehow I doubt it.
If anything, we might feel the initial surge of hallucinogenic chemicals and imagine ourselves in another reality until the body is fully dead and we return to a dreaming state once again. Wishing for physicality.
Or perhaps we truly will be judged by the Most High for the way we've conducted ourselves while here.
If it is the latter, such judgement should not be harsh. The state of this reality, this slave system we are in must be given serious consideration. Should such an individual decide to self-terminate.
Maybe what I would do with unlimited money is live by the beach in Mexico and work on a book.
But...
...Sighs.
Losing two passports, giving away most of my possessions thinking that I wasn't going to be here much longer and living with my mother...
I am in such denial right now. The trauma has cut my soul deep enough.
No wonder I'm in a somewhat dissociated state. I want nothing more to do with this place.
Other than for the evil to end once and for all. This "simulation" to end. The reign of the Demiurge to end. The end of the controllers of this place.
But I don't know how that will happen.
It may take a decade or longer if it ever does.
One good thing about living in these times is the easy access to information and how much easier it is to see through the lies of this place. From politics to the medical institutions, debt enslavement...
And other things.
I miss how I once was. Filled with optimism and awareness and dreaming big dreams.
How filled up with life I was. Until a woman came along to begin sapping it all away under the false pretense of her wanting a long-term relationship with me.
Just wanted to use me. Yes, I am talking about F. I don't even want to use her full name.
She's done damage enough and is not worthy of my time.
Wasted enough of mine.
Where is God throughout all this? Where is the Creator? The guardian angel? Jesus/Yeshua, the Christ?
They say that hell is separation from God. I can see now how that would be.
Been thinking a lot about all this.
Get me off this timeline.
Give me reason to exist.
