Well, I don't know what to say. Another day of the same old thing. Sitting in my car watching videos and listening to podcasts. Same old doom and gloom. Same old.
I know I didn't deserve all this to happen. I prepared. I knew early in 2020 that this was going to be a spiritual war and that I needed to play the stock market to get my debts cleared and my finances up.
I bought all the supplies I thought I would need to ride this out. Had a place outside of the city with less than 30,000 people in it. Pleasant enough neighbors. Hardly saw any immigrants and I don't think I saw anyone who was homeless and begging on the streets. Fairly clean, decent infrastructure and the stores weren't packed with long lines.
I thought I was prepared. I was prepared. I didn't ever think I would end up like this.
Listening to Curtis Stone on his livestream tonight and it is depressing. I respect the guy and he echoed much of what I was thinking those three years ago. We're heading for a collapse and it wasn't going to be pretty.
Little did I expect I would be bankrupt and living with my mother who wants me to apply for some kind of handicapped benefits where I will be expected to say that I'm mentally unwell in order to get money from the government.
I did not ask for any of this. My worst fears came to life. No home, no sacred space, living with my mother so no privacy, no dreams, no hopes, no money, no future both for myself and for the world.
And I knew it was all coming. That is what makes this so much worse. It is even harder when I think back to those times and how much I prayed each evening for guidance and expressing gratitude for how well my stocks were doing. How close I was getting to my goal of realizing a good financial position for myself.
It's all out the window now.
So what is the point of this all? I keep asking myself this each day. I wake up in the mornings with nothing to look forward to but a screen I hold in my hand and stare at most of the day.
It is so much harder to dig deep and find faith and hope when I knew how diligent and committed I was with my faith those years ago. Had I sold my stocks that particular morning like I expected to instead of sleeping in without setting an alarm; I would be doing well right now. I would have so many options and feel secured in my position with where I lived.
All out the window.
Try believing in God when you pour your heart into Him only to get the rug pulled out from underneath you at the most crucial moment in time. When it mattered the most. How can I pray again to God with that level of gratitude and belief?
I can't. I feel like He has betrayed me.
And now I am questioning not if He exists, but what is He exactly if it is even a He?
Perhaps I was wrong all those years. Looking back at my life with those relationships that came to me, the lack of purpose, unsure of what I was going to do with my life. All those years I prayed and this is the result.
Ruin. Watching the world burn and dependent on my mother. Helpless.
I don't want to accept government assistance. I just don't. To tell them I am mentally unwell?
Fuck that.
I am spiritually drained. I hold conversations with myself late in the evenings and when I wake in the morning. Going over what I know and trying to fit pieces together. Trying to understand what God really is and if this is supposed to be part of some plan. Some script that I agreed towards.
I know I did NOT AGREE TO THIS.
So then the question becomes, do I deserve this as my fate? Is this outcome what I've earned for myself?
Where was God when I needed him most?
And I know I have been spiritually possessed a few times in my life. I now know that spiritual warfare is real and spirits on the other side have had their way with me. Even though I didn't think that was what they were. I thought I was listening to my "intuition" which was a huge mistake.
I was taken advantaged of. I was manipulated. I was steered into the wrong direction.
I know this now and it brings me no solace. This was a lesson I should have known years ago.
But that is how powerful these spirits can be. You don't really know if it is your intuition that is producing certain thoughts. It is hard to differentiate what is and isn't your own thoughts.
Just knowing this means that my free will has been violated. I am aware of how I felt and what I did during those times. I was like a puppet on a string with another soul pushed into my body.
Where was God throughout all this? How could I be so spiritually and mentally weak? I thought I was protected and watched over. I thought my destiny was to help humanity but I needed to help myself first.
It is so easy to be angry and resentful at all this.
This is not what I envisioned my life to become.
Some people who are into New Age like to say that we chose to be here and that we go through a script of sorts that we agree upon.
The way Karlee and I met, I can see that. Same with my ex.
I remember how my chakras were manipulated. Feeling that intense glow in my chest in the beginning stages of being with my ex. Thinking that a radiating heart must mean I was filled with love and that it was a sign of sorts, for me to be with this person.
This person who sucked it all dry. This married polyamorous...
I don't want to say the word I should say.
But what the hell. This married polyamorous whore.
Succubus. Demon. Witch.
Ironically, she even called herself a witch a few times. Claiming she thought she was one in a past life.
I should never have been with her for as long as I was. Three years. What a joke it all was.
This hypocritical untrustworthy confused and shallow individual who spews out word salad about spirituality. Claiming she wants to help people but yet has no degree of empathy enough to care and to sympathize. Just fake. Insincere.
I remember Pastor Len telling her just that. She was "confused" ... and for me, he said "God has a special plan for you"
Is this the special plan?
Bankrupt and living in hell? Forced into a position to beg for money?
I'd rather die to be honest. Get me out of this place. I refuse to be judged on the other side. There is no authority I recognize other than myself.
If this was a test, clearly I've failed. I must have. But the test would have been a lot different once I reached my financial goal. I would've been God's champion. After the experience with my ex, I would've known to avoid future contact with women like her. Knowing that love cannot change a narcissist.
I would've saved my heart and soul for someone who deserves it.
Like Karlee.
And yet, meeting her... I couldn't muster the excitement. It has been two years out of a relationship and I have been degraded after a year of living with my mother under these conditions. Bugs flying around in the house. Smelly towels with little hairs on them. Food and grease stains on light switches and pans that are supposed to be cleaned with dish soap.
No privacy. Can't even have a cigarette outside without the people in the apartment across from me potentially staring at me from their dark balcony as they puff weed or have a cigarette themselves.
If ever there was a moment in time for God's special plan to kick in, it is right now. Right this second.
Unless that plan has already been fulfilled. Or perhaps, this was the plan all along. To reduce me down to rubble. A pale shadow of my former self.
God... do you exist out there? If so... what are you? Why am I here? What purpose am I supposed to serve?
I had to help myself before I could help others. And I like helping others.
I do get angry and impatient at times. Some people just don't get it. Some people... are better left alone and smiled at and walked away from.
NPCs. Liberals. The type that is the opposite of a free and critical thinker.
Polish elections just came up. My mother supports the liberal party claiming the current government is corrupt. What she doesn't realize is that the liberal party is going to allow for mass migration to take place and will turn Poland into London or Paris or Edmonton.
Some people will never get it. I don't know why I project my hope onto them that they will.
They are beyond understanding. Incapable of thinking for themselves.
I've always had a hard time accepting that. Sometimes I get arrogant about it. I just refuse to believe that this is the level of intelligence they keep themselves at. Not even intelligence really, just a level of knowing and understanding. Of honesty and acceptance of truth.
It's going to be another morning tomorrow where I wake up and it will be the same old. Except this time, my mother is going to want to take me to apply for this handicapped benefit program.
Accepting that means I will have to accept myself as being mentally unwell.
I am spiritually sick to be honest. I am in pain.
I would rather die than to live a life with people having the wrong perception of me.
I would rather die than to continue living on and struggling in shame and guilt and having my mother and family be embarrassed by me.
I keep thinking about that morning where I should have set my alarm. Imagine paying off all of my debts and having money left over for a car and to travel and with enough money to take a year off to contemplate my next move without feeling pressured.
I would've been happy to work a minimum wage job. I would still have my amazing credit score. Eligible for up to 100,000 across 3 bank accounts.
But it didn't happen. It came close.
And close isn't good enough.
I'm at the bottom now. There is no reason to believe things are going to get any better. Not with my personal circumstances and not with the way the world is going.
I can't live here any longer. With my mother. In this liberal infested city that is crowded with migrants and people flying rainbow flags on the balcony across from my patio door.
Which isn't even my patio door. Which isn't my townhouse that I had no part in deciding to buy.
This is why I will have a beef with whatever I am to meet on the other side of all this. I will be asking hard questions. I refuse to believe that I agreed to any of this. I will show proof of my free will being violated. I will ask where was my protection and guidance throughout any of this despite having prayed for it for years.
I am proud of those people like Curtis who have managed to get themselves off-grid. A man with a happy wife and family. Working on the land. Responsible for himself. Capable. Strong. Smart.
I would have liked to be that kind of guy. Dreamed about being on an acreage for many years but my ex did not share the dream. Wanted to be in the city.
She wouldn't have survived in the country anyways. I would not have wanted her with me. No shared values. No skills other than sex.
I know why I stayed with her. Both because I was insecure and because she would beg to come back into my life each time I broke up with her. I thought maybe love would change a person.
Nothing changes damaged goods other than themselves.
And I am damaged goods right now.
My mother knows it enough. She sees my routine. Watches me often.
I'm done with this all.
What is this special plan of yours God?
This? Is THIS the plan Len spoke about?
THIS?
I want out. Some kind of miracle, a rapture or get hit by a car and be instantly killed.
Clearly I am not loved or protected by whatever it was I thought I was praying to all those years.
But I often leave the door open to further my incomplete understanding. Perhaps a miracle will come.
It has to.
I can't go on like this. Smoking my brains out. Distracting myself all day with videos about prepping and conspiracies and constant bad news waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It's a collapse at this point.
Get me out of here.
Show me something. Show me that you care.
Otherwise all those years were for nothing.
It is like my past has amounted to zero.
If I am to be punished for any of this then there is a cruelty in charge of this world that I do not want any part of.
Love is the energy of the universe. Why has it abandoned me and escaped my grasp?
Why is it that since I was a teen I wanted to find the girl of my dreams? Who I envisioned walking on a sandy beach with, holding hands on a warm summer day?
I was IN MY TEENS thinking and asking for this.
More than two decades ago.
TWENTY YEARS.
I am a life path number 6. I've cared about love and family and relationships.
I didn't care about money. Didn't want to chase it like other people did. Turned down overtime. Didn't dream of owning an expensive car or house or taking frequent vacations all around the globe.
Now all I care about is money. I need it to get me out of here.
And to be honest. I still don't care about money much. Other than to win a lottery jackpot.
That's it.
I want to surprise Karlee one day. Be on a beach in Tootgarook with sunglasses on and approaching her with a big smile on my face. Tell her that her legal fees are covered. Tell her that I have money enough to help with buying a property together, should she be willing to marry me after her divorce is finalized.
And I'd like to do the same with Tyler. Take a road trip to Missouri. Show up and text him saying that I'm in the area. Help pay off his mortgage. Meet his kids. Meet his wife.
Help my cousins. Jessie and Marek to buy homes for themselves. Give them a bit of money to live off of.
Maybe move to Mexico to be near Jeff Berwick. Play poker with him. Pet his dog Lucy.
Own a dog of my own someday. A beautiful golden retriever.
Write a book about my life. Write about how God saved me when I needed Him most.
I...
Have failed in this life.
Those who looked down on me like I was disabled and inferior and deserving of ruin... they would get their just desserts.
Especially my stepdad Chris. That abusive asshole. Flying to Cuba multiple times a year. Getting drunk and being an asshole and rewarded for the life he's lived.
Rewarded for hurting as many people as he did.
I still remember him pulling a knife out on me. I remember him using my hands to punch myself in the face as a young kid because he was drunk and lost his mind. My mother STILL CHOOSING TO BE WITH HIM despite all of the bullshit he's pulled. Abusing us both emotionally.
This must be hell where the wicked are rewarded.
What other explanation is there?
I'm tired of this. Do you read me God? Do you read me spirits? Do you read any of these words?
Can you feel my heart right now? My soul? Can you know the contents of my daily thoughts?
Because if you did, you'd do something.
Now.
Right now.
