I cried earlier today in my car. From the moment I got up this morning, it was an assault of small irritations that added up and finally broke the dam.
I didn't ask for my life to be like this. Sitting outside to be away from my mother who I should not be living with and hearing the yelling of neighbors on the apartment balcony across from me. Listening to the buses stop and start every 15 minutes nearby, hearing the sirens, having some guy smoke weed on another balcony looking down at me, my mother popping outside and doing random things to interrupt what I hoped would be some measure of peace and quiet and solitude.
And then driving out to a spot where I thought I would be alone, but that lasted only a few minutes before a van pulled up next to me and the two people inside decided they would remove and repack their camping gear while the tears on my face dried because I did not have the privacy to openly weep away from prying eyes.
Decided to go for a walk, came across a homeless encampment and had to turn back. No privacy there either.
Earlier I had a homeless fellow ask me for money. Earlier than that I had to wait a half hour at a bank while a little girl behind me was banging the floor with a stick and often dropping it with a loud rattle. Her mom didn't care. The place was filled with mostly immigrants. People that looked new to the country and took up more time at the teller than they should.
Me sitting in the car filling out my monthly bankruptcy report.
It's all too much.
I want out from this place. I can't live here. In this city that I loathe and was glad to be away from for those 12 years I was living in Fort Saskatchewan. So much noise. So much homeless. The roads are bumpy, the people are now pre-dominantly immigrant. Sometimes looking at me as if they were surprised at my being the only white guy where they are.
It never was like this before.
And being nearly broke. Almost wiped out. Not sure how I'm going to pay my monthly payments.
Then, the memories of how it once was. With 200k in stocks. Only one day away from cashing it all out to pay off my debts and have plenty of money left over for me to live for a couple of years if I couldn't find a job. Money enough to buy a new vehicle. Money enough that I would still be living where I once was, on my own, in peace and quiet and solitude.
I've nothing left, blog. Nothing. Karlee and I have stopped talking. It's been painful for the both of us. My days are like a broken record, every one of them is playing the same tune over and over.
I don't want to participate in this slave system. I want out. I want things to go back to the way they were before.
All I have to look forward to are lottery ticket results. That's it. Maybe a miracle will shine down on me. Perhaps my heart and prayers and thoughts have been heard out in the ether. Do I manifest it myself or do I need help? How do I solicit that help? Those are some of the questions I keep asking.
I'm so tired. All day staring at a screen or listening to podcasts. Looking for answers. Distractions.
I keep thinking of euthanasia. I don't want to do it but I know it is an option. Maybe that's why I keep trying to figure out what this reality actually is and why I have been placed in this situation.
I still remember... praying every night. Visualizing my debts being paid off. Thinking of moving to Poland or elsewhere. To get away from this "woke" country that is rapidly filling up with more and more immigrants and the cost of living continually going up. As I predicted it would years ago.
It was all for nothing. All the preparations. The stock market. The passports I secured and then lost.
Every day there is another thing on the news. Israel and Hamas. Videos about prepping, doomsday predictions. Jesus's second coming. Solar flares and EMPs and earthquakes and floods and violence and children being abused, tortured, kidnapped, trafficked.
And my mother who is oblivious and uncaring about it all. Watching the same game shows. 90 Day Finance. The Bachelor. Constantly buying food and throwing it away. Not washing her hands and getting handles and light switches sticky and disgusting. Still not using dish soap.
I want out from this place. This hell. I did not ask for this and I do not deserve it.
I don't deserve it.
I was praying every night getting so close to my goal of 215k and my debts being paid. Almost had it and the regrets and "should've done this instead" keeps flooding my mind.
The regrets of all of my past relationships. Not being able to find the right girl for me to settle down with. So many single moms. So many incompatible types who don't share my goals and dreams or values and...
I'm so tired of it all. What is the point of this? What is my purpose? I no longer care about writing. I don't think I'll do well with any kind of book if I managed to finish writing, editing and then publishing it. Nobody buys books these days. I'd be lucky if I sold 30 copies within a year. 50, tops.
No career left. I'm not going to go insulating again. I made my mind up years ago that I was done. Too dirty, noisy, dangerous and unpleasant to be in. With the woke culture, it's likely even worse now.
No real friends left. No family members other than my aunt and uncle who can relate with how I see the world and everything going on. Everyone else is jabbed and clueless. Going about without a care in the world despite the absolute insanity of it all. Not understanding why food prices are going up, why jobs are being cut or why there is so much immigration going on and housing prices and censorship and indoctrination of our children in schools and drag queens and all this garbage. Can't put together the pieces to realize the big picture.
The only hope I have left are these lottery tickets.
To help my two cousins, help Tyler/Karlee and two of the homeless guys I know in the area.
Some money for my mom. Money for the family we have in Poland.
And a way out from all this.
This slave system running off of fake ones and zeros printed up in a computer at a bank where all those years we couldn't afford to take care of our infrastructure, to reduce poverty and improve our quality of living but miraculously there is plenty of money for foreign wars that we shouldn't be involved in.
And our prime minister can barely even be called that. Just an actor.
All politicians are actors. Snakes. Thieves. Liars. Hypocrites.
Selling us all out to the highest bidder while they enjoy living off of our expense. Our blood sweat and tears and toil.
Making life harder for everyone and pretending like they aren't.
I'm tired of this place. I know many others are as well. Comments in YouTube from people wanting Jesus to save them, to rapture them, to return and set things right.
So many of us are tired of this place.
My teeth hurt. I can't afford dental work. Haven't been to one in a couple of years now.
No upgraded prescription for my glasses or contact lenses either.
Eventually my hearing aids will fail and no money to replace those either.
No dignity in living with my mother. No self-respect. No independence left.
Can't even choose what I want to eat each day. My mother decides.
Her and her dirty hands and dirty utensils and buying the cheapest possible meat, fruit and veggies which she has stuffed the entire freezer with and constantly throws away.
We've always been on such different wavelengths. I've only been able to tolerate her in small doses all those years I've lived on my own.
Now I see her every day.
I want out from this place. There is no point to even getting a job. Can hardly hear well enough to deal with retail. Don't want to contribute to this slave system either.
Just tired of all this. So tired.
And I loved who I once was. How my mind worked. The relationship that I had with the Creator who did bless me with interesting coincidences every now and again.
But, looking back at my life. All I've done seemed to have been for nothing. There was nothing that made a significant positive difference that set me on the path of discovering, realizing and living my purpose in this world.
There is no purpose for anyone in this world. Other than paying for the privilege of survival. To put a roof over their heads and food on the table. To keep the lights on and the heat running,
The internet going. The car insurance, the gas, the medical expenses.
What a joke this place is. What a clown show.
I don't blame people for not wanting to have children these days and I am appalled by those that are having them while barely being able to afford a good life for themselves. It's not easy being a single mom or dad these days. It's even harder when dealing with the education system, influence by other children, technology and tablets and video games.
All while the prices of everything is going up.
As I knew they would.
It is a terrible feeling to have prepared so well for the scenario that is unfolding and to have been reset to zero. No credit left. A few hundred dollars in the bank. No income.
No way out from this mess.
Other than a miracle.
Which is why I cried earlier in the car today. What's the point? Especially with some of the homeless people I see. What is the point for them to continue living? Are we not useless eaters? Should we not be eliminated by now?
Do it. Just do it. Pull the plug on this shit show. So many of us have lost faith in humanity. They'll line up for the jabs, support Ukraine, support Israel, support whatever BS psychological operation being conducted against them. Helped along with AI and media that we cannot trust along with the censoring and banning of unpopular videos. Using labels like "racist" and "bigot" and "homophobe" to attack anyone that dares to speak common sense. Who stands for the values they believe in.
I want out from this place.
We aren't going to be able to unify and make a difference. There's no point in changing such a corrupt and diseased system. All those institutions. Medical, media, governmental, corporate, religious.
They're banning natural health products here soon. Full censorship around November. The Vatican is throwing support for reckless immigration the world over all while he sits on a throne flanked by a disgusting sculpture of "Jesus" who looks like a demon and having drag queens perform in front of him with rainbow flags waving around.
The Satanism in this place is real. It is a psycho spiritual war. It is coordinated, it is absolutely going to be carried out one way or the other.
It's been in the works for decades. I've done the research. All the pieces came in slowly until 2020 arrived and then it all happened at once.
So many of us know this. So many warnings were given.
We just aren't going to be going back to the way things are and yet, so many people are living like the old world has never left. Not realizing that the old way of life is dead.
This new world we're heading towards is a dystopia. Even if everything was set back to how it was in 2019, it still cannot be fixed.
Or healed.
All that trauma... both in myself and in others. The people who were violently attacked with both words and at the hands of the police for not wearing a mask, for speaking out against lockdowns, for opposing the cult that is committing such atrocities against us with the assistance of clueless NPCs who parrot the official narrative.
I remember wanting to win a lottery jackpot when I was a teenager after reading Joseph Murphy's book. I remember smiling to myself on the train that day, believing it is possible.
A few years ago I thought about the amount of money I would need to help myself and others.
Six million dollars.
Six million dollars would be all I need.
I could pay off Karlee's legal fees for her divorce. Possibly buy a home in Australia and rent it out to her and her kids for cheap.
I could buy my cousin Marek his own place and give him extra to live off of.
Ii could buy a home for my cousin Jessie who is still living with her mother and is dealing with depression.
Some money for my mother. Help my online friend Tyler out by paying his mortgage.
Perhaps a few other things.
There is no greater urgency for this to happen than now.
Time is running out. The days are getting shorter. Winter is coming.
My mind and my heart and my soul can only hold out for so long.
I do not blame myself fully for this to have happened. I know very well the multiple times I have been manipulated in my life by forces that I did not know were conspiring against me. Violating my free will. Nudging me into situations that made me life worse and not better. Bringing me relationships with incompatible women with questionable morals and values.
All I wanted was a good woman. A good and decent life.
Where I can live my purpose and to help my lady live hers.
Bring out the best in each other. Perhaps even finish and publish a book.
But few of those girls cared. Took Fola over a year to ask about my writing. She doesn't read books. Didn't care what my passion was. Didn't want to bring out the best in me. Instead, trying to get me into scams like selling Kangen water machines at over $4,000 a piece or getting involved with MLM marketing firms like Primerica.
Haven't met a good and decent lady with a sense of intelligence and compassion about her. Traditional values. No kids.
I'm tired of it. Why was I born into this place? Grateful for the things I enjoyed in my childhood, the music I listened to, the books I've read, the movies and shows I've seen.
But that's all gone now,. Music is a painful reminder of a past that no longer resembles the present.
Like looking at old photos of a lost love.
I gave my heart to the wrong type of women. Thinking they would see and reciprocate my feelings.
They didn't.
And then Karlee arrives and...
A married woman with two ADHD sons. One that is on medication and the other being something of a bully. Both causing chaos in her home.
But Karlee was as close to a perfect lady as I would've liked her to be. Shared values and morals and even dreams,
But look at this irony. Living in Australia. Can't leave the country. Totalitarian nightmare even worse than Canada. Arguably the worst politicians in the world. Homes that cost two to three times as much as they do here. Going cashless. Cost of living constantly going up. More and more homeless on the street.
The irony of it all.
I know that should I die in my sleep, I would not want to return to a world like this. In these conditions. With this level of deep spiritual corruption and contamination.
A world as deceptive as this one.
It's always been run by evil. Since time immemorial.
Since Enli and Enki.
Even before then if you want to believe in Atlantis before it was purposefully destroyed.
It does beg the question of all that I've researched and learned:
"Where are you my Father? My God? My Creator?"
Our creator who goes by many different names.
Yahweh. Jehovah. Allah. Abba. God. The Demiurge.
Perhaps Satan, should he actually be the ruler of this world according to what Yeshua said.
That would make sense. The Talmud has verses allowing for the death of Christians, the Quran permits death through jihad and for whatever strange reason the inquisition was allowed for by the Vatican so it could secure more land and power for itself.
The number of deaths committed with ideological religious motivation in mind must be in the tens of millions at this point. Perhaps a hundred million or more. Senseless destruction of life. People fooled or coerced into going to war against their fellow man.
Just like they are being fooled right now.
I'm tired of all this. I want six million dollars to take care of my affairs in this country and then leave for another.
I want to play poker with Jeff Berwick and live near him some day.
I'd like to have enlightened conversation with a soul much like my own.
To never again see freezing temperatures. To learn Spanish. To carve out a niche for myself so that I can help others.
My creativity is not being expressed well these days. There is no point to coming up with ideas to help humanity with.
I need to first be helped myself.
I need my financial security.
I cannot survive any other way. Nor would I want to.
A minimum wage job is not going to help get me away from living with my mother. Not when my credit has been so thoroughly wrecked. Where it once was so good.
40k limit on a credit card, line of credit and another LOC. Plus an additional 5k limit on an American card.
No more. No longer.
My safety net no longer exists.
No one will approve me for a car loan without a job. With this kind of credit.
No car loan. No house. Not even an apartment.
Not without getting gouged and further entrenched into the slave system. Barely able to get by.
Like so many of us already are.
My promise to the world is this. Six million dollars and I will pour my heart into coming up with solutions for us,
Six million dollars is my price tag. It is compensation for the BS I've gone through and it is incentive enough to make a real difference in this world.
Because I know I have ideas on what to do.
I always have ideas.
And I do love people.
I just hate ignorance.
Willful ignorance.
The kind that doesn't care to educate itself. To be intellectually honest.
Get me out from this hell.
And I will live out the rest of my days in devotion and service of humanity.
Because that is perhaps what the true God is.
Ourselves.
I await a response.
Soon.
Before this madness destroys me completely.
And the rest of us.
