One More Thing

Like the end of an Apple press conference; there are one more things.

Plural, because there is actually two more things.

I forgot to mention that earlier this morning, the energy I was feeling almost overtook me. As I was talking to Chris, it almost felt like I was going to leave my body or the world would end soon or something momentous would occur. I remember doing my best to keep those feelings under control while in the middle of a conversation.

Second thing was Omar. We had time to kill, and so I decided to teach him how to read an ISO, or blueprint.

I loved doing it. My voice was teacher-ly. I was patient, kind and supportive. Generous and empathic.

I think I was born to teach. But with my shitty hearing, that's not going to happen anytime soon.

I've been feeling that for awhile. How easily and readily the teacher role fits me. One on one, and in person. I can think of several examples in the past where I've taught someone a skill or ability, and I've really enjoyed doing it.

I think I'd make a pretty awesome teacher someday. Maybe a tutor. But that can't be so easy to get into.

Perhaps someday I will find my niche. And I will wonder all along how I did not arrive at it sooner.

Love you blog. Love you David.

Love you God.

Time for my soul to rest. New day tomorrow.

New opportunities and challenges.

Come at me bro.

(gulps)

I'm ready enough 😅

Inside Out

Okay blog. Listen up.

Weird energy shit is afoot.

Started yesterday as Fola kept emailing me. I remember very well at around noon when I felt my heart... Move, or get squeezed? It skipped a beat, and that is when the floodgates began to open up inside.

Heart warmth. Then it was the third eye and this energy overcame me and I could feel it pouring from my eyes. Not making this up.

I'm still not sure how to rationalize it. In the morning, Ken made a crack about my driving that soured me a little. I felt listless, almost, at the beginning of the day.

Then, the emails. Think we've exchanged four or five by noon time. I remember those feelings came about shortly after sending her a message where I gave it a laser-like focus. Just stripped out most of the fluff that my writing often produces. Crisp, clear points were raised about issues in the past between Fola and I.

Dam bursted. Spent the rest of the day feeling charged and amped up. When I mentioned this to Fola, she decided to be snide and told me to google narcissistic supply. A crack made from when I accused her of being a narcissist, and claiming the same thing of her.

Today was more of the same. There was an elegance about myself. Movement felt fluid, graceful and precise. Thinking was clear and expansive.

Can or should I be crediting this to her? Or was it all me that prompted those feelings? Or is it a combination, a synergy between us?

Yesterday she implied, well, said that she loves me.

I can only feel two things. Love and hate. Well, right now it's mixed. Kind of in-between.

Today she sent me a book from a hundred years ago called "the science of getting rich", though it was similar to other books like Think and Be Rich, The Secret, etc.

She really does want to be rich. But I have mixed feelings. I want and will become wealthy, but I will not grow complacent. I will use my money to benefit myself as well as others.

As my mantra has stated. Those intentions from awhile ago are still being recited.

Perhaps Fola will love me unconditionally and will acknowledge and apologize for the past.

And I am being lovingly guided towards a higher and happier purpose in life.

So help me God.

I still don't think Fola is a good person. I still think she represents temptation. I still deserve better.

But there is no denying the way she makes me feel. I've not felt like this with anyone else in my entire life.

Narcissistic supply? Yes please. I'll take two scoops of it.

My head is in conflict with my heart. Something is occurring behind the scenes that needs to get played out. Not sure what, though.

Maybe another chance for me to be a man about all this. I've been paying attention. I give her too much of my thoughts and feelings.

And she gives so little in exchange.

Mm. Not going to let it bother me anymore. I'm through getting upset with her. She'll probably test my resolve again. I have to be prepared.

Talked with a man named Omar at work today. Nice dude. Black. Showed him a picture of Fola and I and he thought she was beautiful.

(sighs) outwardly so, my blog. Outwardly so.

I don't know anymore. Looks like I'm stuck having to follow this particular trail of crumbs and see where it leads.

Off a cliff, or into paradise.

Either way is probably better than to maintain the status quo of nothing really happening.

So, I may as well keep the possibility of Fola and I getting back together in mind. Could happen. May not, either.

I'm being tested again.

I don't know if I'll pass this time.

But maybe I will.

Temptation waits.

And the music in my ears is turning mediocrity and routine into a movie being played out before my eyes with a soundtrack attached.

Feels amazing. This is what life is supposed to be like.

People at work are treating me differently. Got complimented earlier this morning by Chris. He said I was awesome at computers. Or amazing, can't remember which.

I like feeling this way. If Fola is responsible, so be it.

I'll keep my head up and heart open.

And see what happens next.

Some Assembly Required

Hello blog, seem to have gotten to bed early tonight and woke up after 1.

Work. Sighs. Work is chaotic right now. It doesn't seem like most people here know what they are doing, but are doing their best regardless.

I'm proud of this for some reason. I've never seen what it looks like behind the scenes, in the office, at a major refinery being built.

The reason I am proud, is because I admire the grit and determination and faith and capability of each of us who are having to deal with a structured formula of madness. Doing our best to impart a structure and routine onto that which has no structure, and very seldom becomes routine or predictable.

Just before I started this post, I had the compulsion to google some old friends of mine that I haven't seen or talked to in years. Tina, Shane, Jerry, Dwayne. Prior to that threesome Tina tried to get me into in 2009, we were all pretty close. But after that incident, we drifted apart.

So it was interesting to see where they are now. I wasn't able to answer the big questions, like if anyone was married or had children; but I did get to see where they all ended up.

Shane is nowhere to be seen or found, and probably is still working at Costco. Even though I had hoped he would make traction as a guitarist, and did have a false alarm in seeing tickets to a local show featuring a "Shane Howard" but it wasn't the one that I knew.

Jerry was the first guy I searched. Last I knew, he was working in graphic design. Today he is working as a brand manager for Novosbed, a local foam mattress manufacturer. That was a bit of a shock. It seems that he abandoned design around four years ago, having left the company I remembered him at, to work at another for a few months, and then went on to become involved with mattresses. There is no twitter account. There is no social media presence on him.

Dwayne who once worked as a typesetter and thought about becoming an electrician when we last met; is now a desktop support dude. Apparently helping others on a technical level.

And Tina. She was the one who surprised me the most. She's moved outside of the city, and is now a teacher for a distance learning centre. Her photo is as beautiful as it was when I first met her.

https://www.adlc.ca/author/tina-saramaga/

An author, too? I haven't found any books she's written, but maybe I need to google a bit more.

In thinking about how far my friends have come, I realize that this world waits for nobody. We each had our dreams and aspirations, but none of us (apart from Tina) seems to have achieved them. This saddens me because I really wanted to see everyone do well. To see Shane become involved in music for a living, to see Jerry be an accomplished graphic artist, to see Dwayne do something of merit and its a painful truth to accept that without effort and determination and faith and grit, we aren't going to make much of an impact on the world, and for ourselves.

Saying what I said opens up a philosophical can of worms, because I believe we don't have to become famous or well known or successful in order to have an impact. But we do gain more power and ability to make real changes in our lives and in others, when we pursue our dreams and see rewarded for them.

If I don't exemplify and execute on my dreams, then I shall not be able to turn them into reality.

I will still be in the same place I am now, ten years later. If I don't take my life seriously enough. If I don't value my time and energy.

If I don't love myself, I won't have anyone else love me. That's just how it is. Be the change you wish to see. Walk by faith and not by sight. Always stay focused. Always try and keep yourself moving and growing.

Otherwise the years will pass by, and you will have little to show for that time.

Each minute of every day is important. Living fully in the present moment with a clear sense of who you are and where you want to be, is what makes all the difference. There are distractions everywhere. There are always reasons not to want to focus on goals and dreams. We're not good enough. We're not filled with faith enough. We're not deserving.

And so, it is easy to lose sight of why we are here to begin with.

Fola received the book I sent her yesterday. Conversations With God volume one, and wrote me asking if I sent it to her. I responded yes, and when I didn't get a reply for an hour, I sent her a picture of a page from Paulo Coelho's book "Manuscript From Attica" in which he talks about love, and how receiving is just as important as giving. My point with that, was to show Fola that she wasn't receiving my gift correctly, and she then replied saying thanks.

She got the hint.

Well, blog. I still don't know about her. My heart yearns for someone like her, but at the same time, I have to accept that we just aren't.. Able to get along.

As amazing as it was with us, it became evident to me that Fola just wasn't ready or capable of being in the type of relationship that I've always wanted. Well, maybe she is capable, but not willing enough to take the relationship seriously for us to succeed. She certainly is not a loving, warm, intelligent or even rational woman. I looked at her Pinterest and YouTube accounts for the first time in weeks, and saw more of the same garbage.

Tarot reading and Abraham Hicks videos on YouTube, and pictures about becoming successful on Pinterest. The most interesting exceptions, was the one picture I saw that said: "People think I'm crazy for believing in magic, I tell them that I'm sorry that they don't" or something along that line. Basically acknowledging that she's crazy.

The other exception was a video about what it means to be unconditionally loving inside of a relationship. I thought the woman talking, was a bit off-kilter and uhm, eccentric, I suppose.

Otherwise, more of the same.

She hasn't changed. I can't hope for her to change, either. I can't dream of us being together, although I do think about it sometimes. There's this place in my heart that still has a piece of her attached. But it is surrounded by pain and sorrow and unrealized hopes. Each time I think of her, I see this sorrow come bubbling up. I sometimes think of her as a thorny rose that I can only look at, but not touch.

Earlier today while reading Paulo, I was struck by an amazing quote:

"Love is an act of faith, not an exchange."

And that right there, was what I needed.

I.. Asked for Fola to reciprocate. I treated our relationship as a form of exchange. Although at first I wasn't selfish, it eventually happened that the more I gave, the less I was receiving. The less faith I began to have, the more conflicts that came up between us.

And I also realized that I did put all that faith into the idea of being in love with her. With loving her, and I did. And I still do.

But expressing it is tricky. With her, especially.

And she does not respect a man that fawns over her.

Which makes it difficult for me to imagine how I can love her and not want to be with her. To give her gifts. To make her happy.

With Fola, I could only be happy when I was happy myself. Living without any expectations.

Even the expectation of being loved in return. Or respected, at least.

(sighs) I don't like thinking about all this. I've given her what I thought was my best, and I suppose my best wasn't enough to inspire her to do the same.

That's just the way it is.

I began to see love as an exchange rather than an act of faith, and that is the mistake I am going to be living with. But in fairness, it was a mistake that Fola helped me to make.

Mm. Almost 3am right now.

I'm not sure what else I should be saying.

I'd like to reach out to her, to share with her things. To ask about her day. To have fun conversations with.

And I can't seem to be able to believe it will be possible again with her. Not anytime soon at least.

I still recite my mantra from time to time.

Fola loves me unconditionally, and has acknowledged and apologized for the mistakes of the past.

Mm. Well. We'll see.

A leopard may never be able to change its spots.

And that could for for me, as well. But I do try. I do make efforts.

And it's all I can do right now.

I am being lovingly guided towards a higher and happier purpose in life.

And I must remain optimistic that there is a God out there, and a path for me to follow.

But I also must be able to believe in myself.

Right now, I'm making money. This is part of my path. I may soon be able to finally buy hearing aids.

(sighs) I keep thinking of stuff I haven't blogged about lately that I should have, but couldn't find time for. I'm typing this on my phone and not my laptop, and it wears down on me.

I'm going to end this by saying that I love that woman, and I hope she will someday come to her senses.

I am also hoping that someday I will come to mine.

Despite all the years of heartache, I have still yet to call myself ready for someone truly special, because I have not mastered certain lessons.

Lessons that I am getting better at understanding.

So, thank you blog, for listening. Thank you Fola, for testing me. Thank you God, for all that you have given and led me towards.

And thank you, David, for always being willing to try.

Keep trying.

Return To Sender

Yeah, so, my sleep is fucked. Haven't been able to get myself on track with having a day routine again. Ended up going to sleep at around 10am yesterday and slept until 3:30pm. An ugly mess. I even set the alarm earlier too, but kept hitting the snooze button all way from 1:11pm and up.

And I woke up with a new email from Fola. Yes, she said she was thinking a lot about me over the past few days and hoped I was doing well. I kind of nodded to myself when I read that, and didn't think much of anything else. Wasn't going to reply, that's for sure. If she was making an apologetic gesture, she had better be more convincing than that. I want something heartfelt and vulnerable from her, if she still has feelings for me. Because I can't go back now. Not if she will remain the way she is. I would be torturing myself endlessly if I was to stay in a relationship with her. There would always be something to fight about that I won't be able to have a level-headed resolution of conflict with her. A mature and loving perspective towards a relationship isn't going to happen over-night for Fola, that's for sure.

Tomorrow morning I am meeting with David, the writer guy at the library and I am a bit nervous and definitely uncertain of what to expect. I sent him a couple of my chapters from No Love Left On Earth, and a chapter of something I called "Conversations" which was a short bit of something interesting I found.

So I will absolutely have to be up earlier tomorrow. That alarm isn't going to be snoozed off this morning when it goes off. It better not be. I think my meeting is at 8:30am and that means I should probably get up at around 7:30am to get ready.

And I still have to do laundry, dishes and packing my suitcase tomorrow before I leave again for a week. Gosh darn it. I really didn't manage my time very well. I need to also pay some bills, too.

Hm. If I really crush it, all that can be done in an hour or so. I don't think my flight leaves until 6:30 or some such.

(sighs) Well. That email later seemed to trigger something in me. I don't know. I went to West Edmonton Mall thinking I needed something to do, and maybe have a bite and see what they had for sale there. Thought about getting new shoes.

It was while there that I started to feel really comfortable with myself. I had my headphones in and the music was perfectly selected via shuffled "liked" songs; and walking around was a blissful experience almost.

There was a cool bedspread sheet set I saw, but balked at when I looked at the price. A duvet cover and two pillowcases was 120 bucks. That's actually 50% off. Heck if I'm going to pay that much money for a couple pieces of cloth. I don't care how cool and gothic and mystical it looked. Oh well.

Hm. Already in bed and feeling sleepy. Going to continue on with my music and see if I can actually fall asleep this time. I could use all the sleep I can get.

Catch you later blog.

No. She won't break me.

I think.

That Shallow Feeling

Rough day yesterday, still rough today as I have not slept since.. 1pm Sunday.

I don't get it. There is something very strange going on with me starting from when I got up. The first indication of it, was this strong "third eye" feeling going on. I still don't know what to make of this thing. Apparently I'm supposed to have more psychic powers and intuition if I can feel it? I've yet to really see proof of that. Or if it may just be something else altogether.

I'm thinking it might have something to do with the mineral supplements I take once in a while. Yesterday before bed, I took two instead of one, and I haven't had any of those in weeks.

But maybe that's not it either.

I had a date to go see a movie with Kelly at 3:30. She wanted to see "It" which I thought looked pretty bad (another remake!) and I've seen reviews that say it was a Netflix kind of watch. Not a 15$ trip to the theatre sort of film. So I then suggested to her that we flip a coin for It and Blade Runner. Obviously Blade Runner is the better choice, right? So she flipped and said I won, and then tried to renege on it by saying she only watches one movie a year. I told her I would pay for her ticket. She refused. I then told her she could go watch It and I'll catch her after Blade Runner finishes. She then changes her mind again, and says I "owe" her for her going to see Blade Runner instead. She then suggests I can make it up to her by taking her to the Calgary zoo.

(sighs)

Kelly is that crazy girl who sent me the boob shot. And I don't mean crazy in an endearing sense. I mean crazy. She can talk non-stop about practically nothing of interest, making me want to shoot myself in the head or hang up on her. I almost did hang up on her twice when I arrived, and she said she wasn't going to make it. Explaining in far too much detail about how her brother was still sleeping and that he was "on his way" to give her a ride, and then she kept talking about random stuff like the Offspring concert and this Buffy musical and.. my God I wanted so bad to hang up on her. I told her that I parked at the theatre, and instead of being apologetic about my having to drive out there to see a movie that she was ... Oh, get this part. Earlier before I left, she said she was going to be putting on a fox costume. A FOX COSTUME and it's not even Halloween! Apparently.. yeah.. well, she's crazy.

During the conversation I could hear her 17 month son crying in the background and making noises. My God, I feel so.. bad for this woman. For the child, too. She...

(sighs) She is seriously damaged. She apparently was sexually abused more than a dozen times and had sex at an extremely young age. Her dad is a psychopath, and she says her family would instantly hate me, because they don't think there are any trustworthy men out there.

...I excused myself on the phone, saying that I needed to go and use the washroom. She then kept talking and talking until something went off in her mind and she says, "it sounds like you really want to get off the phone" and I said yes, I did. She then tells me she will let me know when her brother comes to pick her up and... Yeah, it doesn't matter. I told her we can do our date another time.

I went to see Blade Runner on my own. Beautiful looking film. Depressing in some ways, also. The imagery and the depiction of the value of a human life was rather bleak. It didn't leave me feeling good at all while watching any of it, and I love science fiction.

Oh, wait a minute... It did make me smile once. There was this scene with a holographic Elvis singing "Can't Help Falling In Love" on stage. I was all bright-eyed and appreciative once I saw him sauntering about in a shimmering blue. Very well done. Apparently it was a stunt double that resembled Elvis.

After the movie ended, I saw my text and Kelly asked if I was still interested in seeing a movie at 6. Apparently I was supposed to hang around and wait for her at the theatre until her brother would arrive. Yeah, right. As if I'm going to sit in my car and wait. Again, she didn't apologize or offer to make it up. Or to take me up on my suggestion of doing something else later on.

Again, I felt.. well.. this movie and her conversation and then the text at the end.. well.. I felt crushed in a way. I was then supposed to go with Justin and a few other people to see Necro performing, and I didn't want to. Necro is this gangster rapper with violent lyrics. Bitches and hos and guns and sodomizing dead bodies sort of thing. I didn't want to make my day even worse, so I texted Justin saying that I wasn't going to come and that he could sell my ticket.

I then sat there at South Commons wondering what to do next. I don't know why, but I then decided to drive 40 minutes outside of the city to a lake. In the dark. It was a pain trying to find it, and I ended up parking by a small pond because I couldn't figure out where the access point was.

And I sat in my car on this lonely gravel road, stepping out for a smoke and looking at the stars; and I... felt this weariness inside of me. I started talking to the Creator again. Telling him that I understood that this was a lull. That this was a dip. And that it would be temporary. I told him I would appreciate his guidance because I didn't know what I should be doing. So far I've wasted my first few days off. Didn't write anything. Didn't work at pushing myself forward like I thought I would be doing. Just pure complacency.

And I chalked that all up to... well.. I chalked some of it up to not having been guided. I know... I should be taking responsibility for my own goals and decisions, but inspiration and "signs" are things that I need to have to know that I am on the right track. Or to even know what the right track would be.

I didn't stay there that long. It was cloudy out, and I couldn't see as many stars as I would have liked. I then drove home. Feeling defeated. Having been stood up on this date, having stood up Justin, having not texted Michelle back for lack of anything to respond with; and.. there were thoughts of her again. I don't want to even write her name.

It felt like.. I've severed connections. I didn't hear from Susan today. I asked Robin if his business idea was an Amway thing, and he basically said that yes, they were one of the main suppliers. I then thanked him for his time, and said I wasn't interested in pursuing this idea further.

Tomorrow night there is a "motivational" talk being held at the Shaw Conference Centre that Robin invited me to. Looking at the website, there was no mention of what event was being held. Robin himself said there is no website for me to look at and wouldn't give details on what was going to be discussed, exactly. I thought it was shady as hell.

(sighs) I still remember finding those park keys. It all came about so.. smoothly. Finding the keys, meeting Tyler, having the conversation that we did and then.. then this.

If I truly believe myself to be lead upon a path, then I do not understand why I would have to be lead towards an Amway MLM scheme. Maybe I should have taken it seriously, but I don't think much good would have come of it. If any. But... it's possible that I could have met someone interesting. Or that I would have learned something of value. I don't know, but I decided to close the door on this idea. Too much secrecy. I felt like I was being preyed upon.

And, yeah... I'm in bed.. coming up on 24 hours awake and I'm not feeling that tired. I spent the last six hours or so playing Battlefront like a dork. Prior to that, I was in bed trying to fall asleep from 10pm and on. But I couldn't do it.

That third-eye feeling is still with me. I wonder if it is related. Starting to feel a little sleepier now, though.

...

I feel like an idiot typing this words. Living the life that I am living. I have no direction at the moment. I want to write, but I don't know what. I don't know what exactly can I do to make a positive difference to the world, and to be able to make a living doing it. I keep thinking I am an okay writer and not an amazing one, and if this is true, then why should I bring more mediocrity into the world? Why should I limp my way across the finish line in getting a book written? What would the point of it be, if not to satisfy my own ego? There is nothing that is persuading me at the moment to finish writing any of my books. I am not encouraged or excited to do so.

And perhaps.. this is how it has to be for now. A lull. An interlude.

And I have no choice but to accept this.

But it has been a strange 24 hours so far. I pulled three Tarot cards today for a lark, thinking that third-eye sensation was going to produce genuine results.

Got three cards when I drew one for the past/present and future.

The "past" card was the Devil.
The "present" card was the 5 of Pentacles
The "future" card was the Son of Pentacles according to the Wild Unknown tarot deck I am using.

The meaning of the Devil card was pretty clear. 5 of Pentacles indicates misfortune and suffering and to be cautious during this time and to be introspective and to meditate.

Future card was about who I am, apparently. A gentle good-natured person who is trustworthy.

Guess that's the future for me.

(sighs) I really needed guidance, and when God appears to be silent I have to look inside of myself. And when my higher self is silent, I have little else to turn towards than tarot cards. When I need answers, I try and go through the proper channels first.

Well... I still don't know what I should be doing with myself right now. I feel like there is no purpose to my existence at the moment. There is a purpose, certainly, but I can only speak for what I feel at this particular time.

Empty. Listless. Unloved. Unfulfilled.

And those are all fine, I suppose. They are temporary. I have seen way too much in my life where I get bogged down by feelings like those, and then momentum builds up and before I know it I'm in a downward spiral for weeks, months and even years.

Not anymore. I'm accepting shitty feelings for a limited time only. They will pass, but right now, I can only grin my teeth and soldier on.

Thoughts of "her" are somewhat persistent today. I am doing okay with keeping myself emotionally distanced. Although I did shed a few tears while I was doing my confession at the lake earlier. Cried for all the confusion and uncertaincy and the suffering I've experienced and the...

Yeah.. all the bad things.

The silence, mostly. I told God that the trees speak to me louder than he does. There are times when I feel so cut off from the source or from love; that I get angry and a little frustrated.

I try not to be either of those things though.

But today I am. I have all of today off and all of tomorrow. I don't even know if I can find the will to summon sending David, the writer guy, an email of my writing for him to look at for our appointment on Wednesday. I am thinking of cancelling it. And admitting defeat.

Defeat, for now, I suppose. Until I will know next what to do.

There is something strange afoot. I feel this compulsion to keep my hands on my chest while laying in bed. I spent a couple hours like this last night. Trying to sleep, but couldn't. I didn't want to move my hands away either, even when I needed to go to the washroom. There is something instinctive going on. Something my intuition is telling me to do, and I better listen to it. I remember having done this after Georgina broke up with me. There is something important about it.

Well, blog... going to sign off now. I'm already laying in bed. May as well go back to laying my hands on my chest again. Fighting off thoughts of her, and darker thoughts that involve self-loathing and pity and all such things.

Wish me luck.

I need as much of it as I can get.

More Chains

Okay, I am onto something with that last post.

Today I woke up at around 3:30pm. I felt so groggy and third-eye-ish/melatonin-y that I couldn't understand why.

Well, turns out my mom called at around then. Yes, I am absolutely sure that my phone is in do-not-disturb mode.

And there was snatches of a dream of Fola, where she was skinnier and somewhat younger, but I don't remember any of those details much.

There also was a dream where I met my old friend Jerry's girlfriend, and somehow hit things off with her. Asking her how Jerry was.

I haven't seen Jerry in over five years. Let alone think about him much. Hardly at all.

Its all so very strange and nonsensical.

Wish fulfillment fantasies? Heck if I know.

But I have found a correlation between waking up, and whenever someone texts/calls or (apparently) thinks about me.

Yeah, I don't think its a coincidence at this point. Five days in a row? That I can legitimately attest towards?

Hmm.

Well... Not sure what to do with this information. Am I psychic? Does that even matter?

Waking up whenever someone thinks of me? Meh. Wish I could do more with this. I can't deny its somewhat cool, though.

My superpower. *sighs*

And good looks, apparently. This gay guy was hitting on me. I felt flattered, and then he asked for nudes. *sighs*

I'm still feeling flattered. First time that's happened to me.

And Kelly complimented me a bunch. Saying she wants me to hug and hold her and.. blah.

Susan said I was darned cute.

I told her that I thought she was cute too. She sent me a couple more pictures. Still sorta weird-ish looking with the tattoos and dreadlocks, but hey, that's kind of my thing.

Didn't do much today. Highlight was the haircut I got, and even that is stretching it. Highlight probably is the gay guy that I stayed in a conversation for way too long with. Told me he was wearing a thong. Asked if I wore boxers or briefs and how big my cock was. Course I didn't lead him on or tell him my dick size, but it was fun seeing what the gay mind is like. Dude was a self-admitted hornball. Said I should try a gay guy "once" at least.

*sighs*

Still flattered. Flattered flattered, flattered.

Except I really should have done more today. Worked on my book, and fuck... its already late for submitting to David. I really am complacent. I don't know what my problem is.

Guess I just wanted a day of doing nothing.

Hm.

Nothing wrong with that. In short bursts, of course, but I am spending it playing Battlefront. Seems like I've wasted my day, even though I really didn't. I'm unwinding. Whatever that is supposed to entail.

I have to go pee, blog. And there's not much else to report.

Still thinking of her on occassion. Today more so than the past few days.

Oh well.

Later.

The Chain of Thoughts Lead to Bafflement

Such beauty. I can't believe most of the people on the plane are sleeping or looking at their phones instead of out the window. I don't get it. Can they not appreciate those clouds? That sun?

On the plane I felt those warm rays touching my face like outstretched fingers, gently covering all of me and embracing me in a cradle of invisible warmth. I had Pachebal going. And this other song called "Sky High" playing. Both were perfect fits for that moment.

Home now, came in yesterday and I need to cover this one thing first.

For the past four, possibly five days, I have been going to bed at around 8am after work, only to wake up about an hour later. For no reason.

I made sure to pay extra attention to my dreams, thinking that something in there could have revealed the answer, but no. Nothing to be remembered.

The only connection I could make was that maybe I was waking up because someone was thinking about me. I know, another weird ass metaphysical woo idea, but I have nothing else to fall back on.

In examining those four days, I realized that Kelly who is this girl I started chatting with from OkCupid; would message me around that time. Fola, also, did message me once at around when I woke up also.

And, no. My phone was on do-not-disturb mode, so it wasn't that.

But the reason why I am making sure to write this down, is that yesterday I came across a piece of a puzzle. I came home from the airport at around 11am. Didn't go to bed at my usual 8am, and fell asleep at around 1pm.

Woke up an hour later. Possibly around 2:22 pm. That magical number sequence, but I can't be completely sure. I did get a message from someone, though. But more on her later.

This time, I remembered parts of my dream.

I was with Fola somewhere, it looked like my workplace, and she was walking with me to various parts of a building that she was in that I couldn't recognize (we went from outside to in). She would lead me to this one section, where I would "do" something for her that was work-related. Such as righting a fallen lamp, or pushing something into a corner. There were tasks associated with our walk, and I remembered specifically thinking as I looked at her turning around and walking to the next location -- that she was with someone else, and that someone else was able to hold her, touch her, kiss her, talk to her.

I remember this because she said something about this other guy. Being with him, or whatever. I remembered knowing that I couldn't open myself up to her in this dream, and I was performing this tasks for her while she watched. The idea behind this was that I was basically making an effort to please her.

The interesting thing about this dream, even though I can only recall fragments; is that after a few of these tasks, I began to have a light-bulb moment. I was questioning my actions. Why was I doing all this for her? Why was I trying so hard to please her? Why do I even want her back?

And that was when I woke up. Around 2:22 pm. An hour-ish later.

It was the same waking pattern I've had for the past few days. Little idea of why that is, but at least with this dream, it brings forth an explanation in addition to the "someone is thinking of me" possibility.

Just before I woke up, I remembered feeling like I didn't have to be dreaming anymore. I didn't have to continue doing these tasks for her. I could leave anytime I wanted to, because this wasn't real. I didn't have to obey, or ingratiate myself. I didn't have to exist under her spell.

I just left. And that meant waking up.

Interesting how it all works.

So, perhaps this is what occurred in the past while. Maybe I was having dreams that needed to be woken up from. Typically when most of us think about dreams, we think it is an abstraction of our thoughts and daily routine and desires. It is this... movie that our brains put together to help explain certain events and construct narratives and reflect the depths of who we are.

But what if there is something more to it?

I am entertaining the idea on an intuitive level that there is another realm we exist upon in this state. We are both tethered to our bodies/egos, and existing elsewhere at the same time. It is as if gravity ceases to exist, and we float into space, tie down by a cord that can never be severed. We visit these other realms, or dimensions and we construct a new kind of reality, a temporary one, but a reality nonetheless. A kind of playground, even. That will be left behind upon awakening.

And if this is true, that we do create realities (inside of reality), then I think it could also be true that we can invite others to our playgrounds. Our creations. Or we can be invited into theirs. Or we could visit theirs. Whether invited or not.

I am wondering if that is the case with this. I'm not able to articulate my hypothesis very well, but I am riding on a gentle hunch that I am somewhere in the right direction with all this. I made the choice to abandon sleep. To abandon it why? Why did I wake up just over an hour each time over the past few days? For what reason? Was it because I didn't like the dream I was in?

The interaction that took place inside of the dream? Was it really necessary for me to wake myself up, if all that was imaginary and had no real effect on my day-to-day exist?

I'm reasoning now, that I woke up because I had to. There was a purpose to it. It wasn't because my phone went off, or that I had to pee, or "thats just the way it is". There was a real reason, and maybe that reason has to do with what was happening on the other side. Something that warranted needing to be woken up from. And that dream with Fola seems to offer an explanation, because I really do remember how I woke up. And why.

I made a choice to say no.

I think that was what it was. Maybe it was a shared reality of sort. Maybe it was a bit of a test. Maybe...

I don't know, but I do know that dreaming is important. Not just for the rejuvenating qualities it offers the physical body; but there is something else going on in dreams that we aren't understanding. Yes, we do realize certain desires and create fictitious situations to act out some of them. Yes, we do have nightmares where we confront certain fears and fabricate experiences that can help us be more prepared for in the real world, should they happen.

But in this particular case of mine, I'm seeing something else. Dreamwork. Or DreamPlay.

Hm. Not sure.

I'm also talking with Susan, a hippy gal from OkCupid who has dreads. She really looks like the white version of Fola. I like her so far. She's not great at texting, but I really like how she looks.

And curiously enough, Fola asked me a few weeks ago if "longboards" meant anything to me. They didn't.

Until I read Susan's profile.

She messaged me first, and when I went to see what she was into: Yeah, longboarding was in there.

Might be a sign. I don't know, but I know better than to dwell on these things and get excited about them. Just a sign. Nothing more. Stay calm. Stay true. See where it takes me.

She sure is pretty, I think. Very spiritual looking, but she's an atheist. Plus she has three kids.

(sighs)

And, yeah.

I thought Kelly would be normal, but she isn't.

One of those kind of chicks. Flat out crazy. Even calls herself that. Has a 17 month year old. She's been raped and molested repeatedly since she was a child. Calls herself a lesbian, but prefers men.

And is into hardcore BDSM and whatever else that involves her saying, "I'm far far far from innocent" as far as bedroom activities go.

So fucking depressing and sad that someone who suffers so much sexual abuse, still wants to be abused. Doesn't make any sense. She lied to me initially, with her profile saying that she didn't have kids. And then also, she hasn't worked for two years and is a stay at home "mom" and the dad wants nothing to do with her or her kid.

So fucking sad. We had a three hour phone conversation that I thought was brutal. She kept talking and talking and I couldn't keep attention for very long. Played Battlefront, mostly. Some Cuphead.

(sighs) But I'm supposed to meet her this Sunday.

Said I would.

And I realized that she is so much like Gyngie in certain ways. And I also realized that perhaps I am re-attracting someone that I need to be doing something differently with. With Gyngie, I wasn't attracted to her. But I did enjoy getting blowjobs from her. I have to confess that I briefly though the same thing could happen with Kelly, and I realize now that I have an opportunity to reject her. To turn her down, and not allow my sex drive to necessiate having to put up with a crazy chick just to have orgasms with.

It's not worth it. It's not right.

But, I am feeling those feelings. Something inside of me is like, "David... easy sex... if you want it." the other part is like, "David.. you deserve so much better. Don't bother. Reject her and move on. Respect yourself. Affirm your value. You can't help everybody. You can't fix that which is broken."

And...

Yeah.

I'm so tired. In bed right now. Didn't do much yesterday, but was so happy to be back home.

I need to put my manuscript together. I have to drop it off at the library for David to look at.

I should have spent my day working on that. Not having three hour long conversations.

With a crazy chick. Who has "Mad as a Hatter" tattooed on her wrist.

And sending me pictures like the one above. Look at her eyes. They're not normal.

Who poses like that? Who...

Well... it doesn't matter. I found it interesting that over the phone she told me she is a magnet for dark forces.

That makes sense. I shouldn't get involved with her. I don't need more drama in my life.

I need the woman I deserve.

And I don't deserve anything less than love.

I must believe it, and I do.

Even if my soul is telling me that a diversion is okay now and then.

But... is it really?

(sighs)

I'm tired. My back is kind of sore. I am feeling a strange heat from my hands, and a darker kind of heat from my chest after that conversation with her.

Something is going on, but I'm not sure what. Warm hands = healing hands, I suppose. Energy flowing. I bet if I laid them on my back, it wouldn't be as sore... Hmm.. Should probably try that and see what happens. That's what Reiki ostensibly is. Laying of warm hands on people.

Trina said I would be a great healer.

Meh.

We'll see.

I don't know where I am meant to be going, just yet.

But I am learning that there are opportunities and challenges that have to be faced each day.

And I am facing them.

Well, blog. Tired... really tired..

Going to go to bed.

New Matthew Good album just came out, and the first track is called "The Bad Guys Won".

No.

Let's not go that far, Matt.

The game is not over yet.

The world can change at any time.

And is changing as I type.

In slow gradual sweeps. And in large ones.

All in rightful time.

All in accord with higher principles and agendas.

For better or worse, it doesn't matter.

It will all be as it should.

Good night.

Be well, planet Earth.

For your days of glory may soon to come.

Order from chaos

What a brutal night. So much for the afterglow of yesterday. Paperwork was crazy. Duplicate ISOs, missing ISOs and a noob expected to be head of office and inheriting a garbage pile of stuff to sort through.

Meh. Whatever. I'll stick it out until the axe drops, I suppose. They can go on expecting miracles, but I'll continue doing only the best that I can. With what little (none) experience I have in this position.

So tired. (sighs) Some warmth in the chest again at around 11pm, but couldn't pay much attention due to how busy I was. It still is lingering in a muted way somewhat, now that I am paying attention.

What a rough shift. One more to go, then it's back home, where it feels like a strange place.

Oh well. Making the money. It's what I have to do until better opportunities and ideas come along.

Almost ready to leave. Guess I'll sign off.

Gnite blog. Hope you're doing well.

Life goes on.

All is Well, and well, that's all.

Great shift for me tonight. It went by so quickly that I still had a full bag of lunch at the end of it, and didn't feel hungry.

Brief bit of third eye and heart warmth at around 5am, but I didn't focus on it that much.

I also felt momentarily considerate of these feelings possibly being linked to Fola, but I stopped myself and said this:

Even if these feelings are linked to her, it doesn't make her responsible for them. What is truly important is that I am experiencing them. Therefore they are the product of my own being, and not of someone else.

That statement was a powerful shift in thinking for me. I'm no longer going to attribute these feelings to someone else. Because even if they should or are attributed, it is me that is experiencing them. Regardless of them being shared or not.

If that makes any sense.

Just because I feel hungry, and Fola might also be hungry at the exact moment, doesn't mean one or the other has exclusive ownership of the sensation. It is still rather, a kind of independent choice. Or independent experience to be having. Just because someone else may feel what I feel, doesn't mean I should relinquish my own personal power by attributing an origin outside of myself.

Perhaps that helped clarify things.

Conversations With God volume one, is on the way to her. She will probably appreciate it, and not. Simply because it is from me. And I don't care. May not even text her back if she decides to thank me for it. Or acknowledge receiving it.

I watched an interesting video today, at random, where a robotic voice spoke an excerpt from this very book. Quite prescient. It reminded me of certain truths that I have forgotten, and wished I didn't.

I am the master of my reality. I attract that which I fear. I am single because I fear loneliness. I am unloved, because I fear being loved.

This definitely makes sense. For everything is love, and evil is the fear with which we use as a shield against the possibility of such a grand statement perhaps being proven false.

We tend to not want to believe so fully in something that we have uncertainty towards. Thus, we insulate ourselves from the Truth by creating a lie. Or allowing doubt to stand ahead, so that it may take the brunt of whatever damage we fear that will come, should such a truth turn out to be false.

Everything is love.

Fear attracts the lessons we need to learn from and overcome, so that we can move closer to realizing this great truth.

Emotions are powerful. Thoughts create reality. Pairing them together, or being involved with a like minded individual; will have power enough to change the world.

And a crowd of like minded people, will affect change even more easily.

Until before we know it, everything has transformed.

And the world will no longer be as it once was.

Hm.

Two more shifts...

Then the real work commences.

I will change the world.

And make Him proud.

Come hell or high water.

Almost at the finish line

Pretty decent day I've had. Or night, to be more accurate. Quarter moon out there, had this little star above it, made sure to repeat my affirmations again.

1) I am blessed with great wealth and prosperity so that I may better myself, and others.

2) I am being lovingly guided towards a higher and happier purpose in life.

3) Fola loves me unconditionally and has acknowledged and apologized for the mistakes of the past.

Yeah, I know. That last one shouldn't still be there, but it is. Maybe it'll come true a year from now, maybe it'll come true in death. Maybe it never will. I don't know.

But I found it interesting tonight, that when I was looking at that moon and saying the first two; I decided to change it a little.

3) I am loving and loved, unconditionally, by a woman I am deeply happy to be with and attracted towards.

So, it could still be her. Who knows.

I also am mindful that tonight I really did a good job of letting her go. She wasn't in my thoughts much. Justin managed to trigger a moment when he showed me a porn video on his phone that had a black woman in it with tattoos. Made me think of her, and also made me feel like Fola wouldn't be unlike that woman in the video, if the right guy came along to persuade her.

She is that gullible, and it worried me.

No longer. I now know how much of a heartless person she is. I can't possibly hope for her to come to her senses anytime soon. She's gone. She's lost. She's...

Soulless. Irrational. Crazy, selfish and impulsive.

I'm also being mindful of physical sensations today, and I started playing with the thought that maybe it wasn't Fola that is responsible for them. Maybe that warmth coming out from my chest, and that third eye feeling were really from me. Or from something else. A higher self. My true twin flame.

God? I don't know.

But I am paying close attention.

I've read an interesting article today about synchronicities. It made the suggestion that it's caused by strong emotions that are inclusive between two people. Or two points of being. The inner, and the outer.

Which makes sense. I remember how I was prior to meeting Fola. I was still thinking about Gina from time to time. I had that heat from the chest happening when I first wrote Fola a message on okcupid. I also had it before I even sent that message.

And, I can't really say for sure who or what is responsible for these feelings. I'm feeling something right now. This kind of.. Essence, about me. Like my soul is too big for my body, that it sticks out about a couple inches from my chest.

I'm feeling optimistic about my situation. Despite having to take over as lead QC now that Justin is leaving. My hearing still sucks, and I'm bound to miss out on important information as relayed by the people I will have to interact with. I'm not looking forward to driving the superintendent to the office. I'm not looking forward to trying to decipher what he is saying, as he speaks quickly and quietly. Even though he knew early on that I had trouble hearing.

I'm still looking forward to what the future will bring.

I wish I could say.. No. I did learn from Fola. I learned to be honest and authentic, and not to be quiet when I am being disrespected. I've also learned to be careful about how much of myself I give someone. Especially when they aren't giving me nearly as much in return. Their thoughts. Feelings. Vulnerabilities.

The whole of their being.

Gina did this. Fola did not.

I want a Gina again. But with a bit more in common with what I am passionate about.

Someone I can enjoy being with. Being myself with. Warts and all.

And who will be able to do the same.

Some day, God. Someday.

Some day you will surprise me.

And I pray not to mess it up.

It's all I can do.

Three more shifts to go, and I get a week off.

And then the real work begins.

On myself. On my heart.

On my soul.

On my dreams.

Evil is ignorance

We're done.

Yesterday, I tried my best. Talked to Fola on the phone for about an hour, and it's evident that she's too far gone to salvage.

Sent her a heartfelt text, and she responds with "yeh. K."

I'm feeling.. Well, like whatever. I'm sad by all this, but I need to move on now. There's no hope with us. Despite her saying on the phone that she...

I don't even feel like writing about it.

The worst part was when she was telling me about this energy healer guy she's excited to be mentored by.

"I can't stop thinking about him..." she dreamily announces. "oh. I shouldn't be thinking out loud." she giggles.

And she's brought up tarot cards again. Saying something about how the eight of swords equals interference. Obviously suggesting that my presence is interfering with her life.

There's no hope for that woman.

I can no longer be thinking about her. All I'm going to remember is that I crossed paths with evil. Someone who doesn't have a soul.

And, I don't know if I handled this correctly. It doesn't feel like I should be condemning her.

I've given her my truth. My heart.

It wasn't what she wanted.

Or needed.

Well, maybe it was something she needed. Everything had to have happened the way it did.

I can't apologize for doing my best. She hasn't. And so, there's no point to being hopeful about someone that has no hope for us. Or interest.

I'm pretty much a doormat. Maybe my job was to condemn her. But, yeah. I couldn't do it. I did it a few times already.

She's a lost cause.

No matter how eloquently I put out my arguments or share my concerns, it doesn't have an effect. Or maybe it does, but she is not willing to be rational and level headed about any of what I've said. Choosing to deflect responsibility, and to put her head into the sand.

So, God. It is not my place to judge and condemn anyone. She is who she is, and in death, should I be called forth to give testimony; I will stand up and say that I loved her. I loved her and it wasn't enough.

It wasn't what she wanted, really.

And all I was able to do, was to be honest. To speak the truth as well as I could.

To be as patient, forgiving, loving and understanding as I could. Even though I've not always been successful.

But, at least I tried. I really did try.

That's not something I'd ever have to apologize for.

Going forward, I suppose.. I don't know.

Got to move on somehow. There's no point in holding onto her anymore. I'm going to have to remind myself that... (sighs)

I'm still not sure what to remind myself of.

Maybe, that there are evil people in this world. Those who take and rarely give. And to be careful about who I fall in love with.

Justin said yesterday, that I will find a more down to earth girl. Someone who isn't into tarot, astrology, energy work and kabbalah and all manner of random esoteric garbage.

Because, those things have no value when you choose not to understand them. Or if you allow your power to be usurped by forces and processes that are not understood, and can be malevolent in nature.

She has sold off her soul. And though I love her, I cannot do anything other than carry on knowing that there is nothing I can do.

I'm just going to have to accept it.

And, I wish I could write something better about all this than I already have. But, I'm so tired of all this. I don't want to give this any more of my thoughts and attention.

I have to carry on. No matter what.

I believe in God. I believe in a path that is leading me somewhere.

I believe that I am a good man. Even though I do question it some times.

One foot in front of the other.

Head held high.

Heart kept open.

Deliver us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

Everyday is a circus

Just like the title says. Despite how amazing I felt last night, waking up this afternoon at 1:11, had me looking at my phone and noticing that Fola sent me two links.

One was to an article about Jupiter and Saturn, and the archetypal meanings of each; and the other was about facing the reality of the world and motivating yourself to succeed.

I texted her a thanks, and asked her what she was doing last night. Since I was curious about what I was feeling yesterday, and whether or not they were connected to her.

She hasn't responded. It's been two hours, almost three, since I sent it.

Oh well.

I'm going to assume she wouldn't have given me a good answer, anyways.

It's hard, sometimes. Being in this place of having to accept this... Watered down connection between us. It's hard having to accept that I care more about her than she does about me.

Even though he who cares the least, controls the relationship; I am not feeling controlled. I'm just taking it for what it is.

An opportunity for me to remain in my authenticity.

Gotta go. Justin is about to sit down with me for dinner. Can't be typing on here while in his company.

Later, blog. Wish me a good shift, and I'll see you soon.

Doing my best to live in love. Not always easy, but always worth it.

I am awake

Sorry blog, haven't posted in awhile. We got moved into night shift, and the adjustment period has been rough going. I'm okay now though, thanks for asking.

Easy shift at the office tonight, as you can see, I'm posting in the middle of the night. Just under four hours before we get to leave.

Strange last couple of days. Fola related, mainly, as I've been reestablishing our connection and working at being sincere and honest and trustworthy throughout. Given how things ended with us, it almost seem unsalvagable to get us back to the way things were; and for the most part, I think I've been doing a decent job of keeping myself in check, throughout. No blaming. No anger. Being as authentic as I can be. Little in the way of my ego popping up.

However, she's still reluctant. I get short responses that don't reveal much. There isn't a whole lot of "I feel" or "I'm feeling like" with her. Hardly anything, really. As I wrote to her in that email saying I loved her, I didn't get a response to that. Not that I was expecting an I love you back; but at least knowing what her feelings are about me, would've been nice.

Today however, something has changed. Pressure in the frontal lobe area, and when Fola didn't write back to my last text about us chatting on the phone later; I assume it was because she was busy with someone. Who knows who, but she rarely texts when she's preoccupied, and that's often the case when she's in the company of others.

Instead of feeling sad about this, I felt this kind of resignation. I mean, it is what it is. We're not in a relationship. We're not boyfriend or girlfriend. She's not obligated to wait for me. I don't have control over her, and I don't think she even loves me. It's all sobering stuff, and anyone who has read my blog is going to wonder why I'm still wanting to talk to and be with this crazy chick.

Because I love her. That's why. And I love the way she squashes my ego. I'm doing my very best right now to be as clear and in control of my emotions and thoughts as possible. And it's working. I feel a pleasant warmth coming from my chest, and a clarity in my thoughts. I feel sharp.

The main reason why I am talking with her again, apart from love, is that I want to honor the connection we had. I want to go to my grave and emerge on the other side, feeling grateful for having met her. What we shared was a gift of sorts. An opportunity for the both of us to experience these incredible highs and lows, and learning from one another to become the best we can be. I don't thinks she sees this the same way I do, but I really don't care if she doesn't. And that's probably why I am feeling extremely... Tuned in, tonight.

I've made peace with myself. With her. And with us. Anything that happens from here on out, is perfectly acceptable by me, and NEEDS to happen in whatever particular way.

I'm not pining after her. I'm... Respecting her, I suppose. Giving her space, giving her my attention, and not asking for anything in return.

She mentioned two days ago about not having read volume one of conversations with God and so, I went into Amazon and shipped out a copy to her house, due to arrive next week. Yup. Didn't have to do that, but I loved reading the first volume, and I love surprising people.

And I love her, my blog, even if she's probably getting drilled by some dude right now. Even if she ignores my texts and writes back generic responses.

Still love that crazy girl.

Mm. She's probably... On the side of evil, more so than good right now; but that doesn't concern me. I'm not wanting to judge or change her like I used to be. She may not be able to love someone the way that I think love should be expressed, but it's her life, and it's her journey. Not mine.

Big step forward for me to admit to all that. And feeling this way is incredible. I don't feel pressured by anything. I feel... Like this love inside of me is a warm raging furnace that I'm doing my best to keep going. To share that warmth with others, also. A candle in the dark, lighting the candles of others. Or something like that.

(sighs) I remember all too well how I succumbed to these feeling when I met Fola. I didn't understand them well, and I grew prideful of having them. This connection to... Whatever. Source. God. Love. Higher self.

I'll try not to make that mistake again.

I have been noticing, also, that there is a bigger picture that I'm seeing glimpses of. Everything I've done up until now, has been necessary to get me to where I am intended next to be. Or to achieve.

I am aware that there is a course charted, and trusting myself and this path, is how I will be able to continue my obligation to the powers that be.

Whoever or whatever they are.

No resistance. That's the key. Confidence, also.

And faith. Both in myself, and outside.

Always.

The Past Is Now The Present

Well, just got off the phone from having an hour long conversation with Fola. Yep, yep. Back to talking with her again. I sent her an email Monday night, and that lead to getting one from her, and then texts.

Well... Yeah, blog. I had to do it. Going to copy and paste it below so you can see why.

I've other stuff I could blog about, but I'm tired. Feel like taking a break from expressing myself tonight.

Email time. Enjoy.

Hi Fola, figured you might have blocked my texts, and that's understandable. 

Something strange is happening, or have happened to me today. Just a gush of clarity and warmth and good feelings. I feel this strong urge to contact you and tell you that in spite of all we've gone through, I am still in love with you. 

I don't expect this to sway you, but I secretly hope it does. 

What happened with us? Those crazy moments. How we met. Our fights. The love, the looking into our eyes. Was it all a dream? An illusion? A transition or a phase or the chaser and the runner? Unresolved karma? Soulmates? Twin flames? 

What are we? What were we? 

And why did we end up like this? 

From my perspective, I couldn't endure what I thought were petty arguments. Our last fight was over my not correctly responding to you over a YouTube video. I didn't have the patience left in me to take your complaint seriously. It was a series of these things. I felt that you were trying to bring conflict and drama into our relationship, rather than working to make it better, and that frustrated me. 

When you shrugged everything off, the last time I spoke to you, I couldn't understand why we ended up not mattering much to you. When I was subscribed to your YouTube channel, you kept liking videos on how to make money and videos that didn't have much about improving a relationship. 

And, as you know, that is what I feel is most important in life. You and I are spiritual beings, and we both know that leaving this world means to leave material wealth and possessions behind. The only thing that remains, is our connection with others. The people we love and have loved and are loved by. That's it. There are no Landrovers on the other side. No acreages. No money. 

And it puzzles me as to why you seem to prioritize these things over love. 

I know you must be thinking that I am mistaken again, and that you would never elevate material success over relationships, but I feel that you did. 

And you would know if you did, or not. Selfishness over selflessness. I am just as guilty of it as you are, but in a different way. 

So, since my text likely is not being seen, I am having to send you this. I'm not sure why. But the urge is so strong right now. I saw a picture of you on my phone earlier today, and a rush of emotion came charging in. 

I feel elevated. I have been taking time lately to structure out my life, and where I want it to go, and be. And how I may achieve that. This isn't about relationships right now for me, I've been focused on getting my life back on track. And to realize my dream of having a dog, an acreage, financial security, and sharing it all with the lady I'm meant for. 

There has been some interesting developments lately. I've got a published writer willing to meet with me in person to look at the book I'm hoping to publish. I also have had some unusual synchronicities coming from those set of park keys I told you about that I found. I seem to be going in a particular direction, with encouraging signs along the way. 

That being said, I'm not sure what I wish to accomplish by sending you this. Just have an urge to. Maybe it's important, and it probably is. 

There was an interesting tarot reading I had the other day. For the month. The first card was about speaking my truth, the obstacle was strength (to find), and the rest of the cards gave a generally favourable reading and ended with the ten of cups, signifying a good outcome. I'm not going to follow my life according to this, but I feel like it completely is relevant to what I need to be hearing and knowing right now. 

And speaking the truth feels good. 

I miss you Fola. I apologize for not being patient, and losing sight of who I am while I was with you. 

The six grand delusions that endanger humility, happens to be: Greed, Anger, Foolishness, Pride, Doubt and False Ideas. 

I believe that I slowly began to commit each of these sins while I was with you. 

And I loved who I am when we first met. I don't think you know the entire story of the months leading up to us first talking. I worked hard to learn from my last relationship. It was incredibly difficult to overcome, and I was carrying a lot of sadness in my heart. 

Then you came along, and you tested my will. 

My blog has been updated almost every day since the breakup with my ex. I have a record of my progress from then until now. While with you, I slowed down considerably as I became more distracted by your behaviour and actions. I still don't understand why you first got angry with me that I had to leave for a few weeks. You haven't yet really explained that to me. And you certainly have never apologized for it. 

Rather than bring up more examples of how I felt you were being unintentionally antagonistic, I will instead leave you with this:

I love you Olufolakemi. 

Thank you for having been a part of my life. And for teaching me to know better than to place my happiness in the hands of anyone but myself. I control my own destiny. I steer my own ship. And anyone who comes into my life, or is an important part of it, are passengers and often have their own ships to be steering. 

We all want what we want. You want financial freedom. I want the kind of relationship we were having early on. Without the drama and the conflict. 

And with us both opening our hearts wide to one another. No secrets. No hidden thoughts. No reluctance to speak and show the truth of our words and feelings. 

Just love. Of the kind that can ignite the universe and make the impossible, possible. 

That's what I'm after, Fola. I wrote an entire book in one month years ago, because I was inspired by a girl that said she loved me. And I wanted to prove to her that it was well founded. 

Just like I wanted to prove to you. But couldn't. 

And I suppose, you did not prove this to me, also. At least not in the way that I felt convinced of. There were no love letters. Lingerie. Scones, after the "shine" wore off and we began fighting. 

I don't blame you for that, Fola. You are who you are. You really place a lot of value on feelings and intuitions. 

And I place a lot of value on being honest and open. Even to a fault, as you know. 

As I write this, I am thinking of the last time you were at my house. You came to bring me 50 dollars just as I was about to leave. We talked, we touched, we held hands and listened to Max Richer. 

And then you looked at me with these sad eyes, and told me that you loved me so much. 

Then we had a staring contest for a bit 😊 Which I always have enjoyed. 

But, even though I responded to what you said truthfully, that I loved you as well; I failed to really prioritize the meaning of these words. I should not have left to go to that burlesque show with Andee (whom I've stopped seeing, btw) and I should have held you close to me and tell you this one word:

Stay. 

Stay with me Olufolakemi Vickers. You are my soulmate. You are the one that I love and want to be with, and build a beautiful future with. 

But, I didn't say that. Instead, I doubted your words. I didn't feel convinced by them. I sat there staring at you feeling this kind of amusement, which continues to disgust me to this day. 

I think of other things, too. Right now. A dream I had about you a few days earlier, with Ivy. We were in a dark house, and another man was there. Inspecting me as I sat next to you. Feeling threatened by my presence. I got the sense that this fellow was in a relationship with you, and wanted me out of the picture. The dream ended with you and I sitting next to each other as he sniffed my hair. 

I don't know what that is supposed to mean. 

But, I do know that if we never see each other again, it'll be... Interesting. I'm not sure what the future holds. Maybe we are better off going our separate ways, or maybe we are making a mistake. Maybe this needed to happen, for now, until we balance ourselves out. I'm not sure. 

You mentioned that big thing needed to happen before we could get back together. I don't know what you meant by that. How big? What's a good example? More signs and synchronicities? Money? Spiritual messages? 

I don't know, Fola. We've had enough signs and reasons to have taken our relationship more seriously than we did. Everything was amazing, when it was amazing. And horrible, when it was not. 

But in any case, regardless of what happens from here on out; I am going to be thinking of you with gratitude in my heart. Because this is how I felt towards my ex, Gina, after we broke up. 

And gratitude is the right emotion to be feeling. I may regret some of my actions and behaviors, but I will never regret having met you. 

So, thank you Fola. For showing me what I need to be working on. What I should be focused towards, and what intensity of love that two people can experience together. I've never met anyone like you before, and I'm not sure how likely it will be for me to meet someone like you again. 

Our birthdays are coming up soon. Looking at numerology, I've found some interesting combinations of our numbers. I don't fully buy into numerology, but I do feel that mathematics is the language of the universe. There is a secret hidden in it that we have yet to discover. It's in plain sight, but too elusive to really identify the purpose and meaning of, so I won't list the examples I've found of us. 

And, so. This concludes my message to you. I have to go to sleep soon because I've been getting up at 4:11am each day for a 12 hour shift. It's tough, but temporary. I have plans as to what I'll be doing with the money I'm making. I've even stumbled across an interesting idea involving buying cheap real estate. A gentleman I work with has shown me pictures of his property at this location. Ten acres, 5600sq ft house and guess how much? 

Under 25,000CDN. 

Next to a beach. Tropical area. Gorgeous water. 

No property taxes, either. 100-400 year long leases. Bit of red tape involved, but he knows people that can make it easy to deal with. 

So. Things are finally moving again. That set of park keys is another long story that lead me to meeting someone who's wife retired at 29. They've paid off 700k worth of debt in under three years. I get to be meeting him for the third time once I'm back in the city. 

That's my life right now. I'm focusing on something other than simply a loving relationship. Although I would really like one too. A likeminded partner in crime is much more fun to have than going at this alone. 

But I will be going alone at this if I have to. 

I want that dog, someday. And a nice place to live. 

And somebody to share it with. 

I just wish that maybe it could be you. 

Hope all is well, and good night Fola. 

May we both be blessed in whatever our futures will be. 

Loving you always. 

David

Also attached this animated GIF of us. For extra sappiness. (sighs)

I do love her.

Ugh

Yup. Got off the bus after work today and the super tells us all wide eyed that we're working 21 days straight instead of 7.

I'm not even prepared. No...

That's not even important. Weird feelings today. Came when I saw a picture of Fola on my phone.

Ended up texting her a few minutes ago saying that I missed her, and I am afraid to ask what she is feeling because I probably wouldn't like that answer.

I'm assuming I'm blocked on her phone, also.

(sighs) Well, I was honest. Heat coming off my chest, ears feeling wide open, bit of a heat from my head.

If she's with someone else, there is nothing I can do. If I am blocked, I will not be able to get through to her.

I said I wouldn't be remembered for being weak in the end, but it seems like that's what I'm going to be.

Or not.

I don't know. I just spoke a truth. I do miss her. I'm not going to pretend that I don't.

Despite everything.

(sighs)

Tough, tough. Tough. 21 days straight and this.

This isn't want I want to be doing with my life, but it is my life, and I do need money and I can't be so quick to turn down easy money.

Well God, here I am. Your servant in surrender.

I am speaking to you from my heart and soul.

I love you, and I am baffled by you.

So much.

Today... These feelings.

I feel loved. And loving.

Had a nice conversation with a man in the smoke pit. I'm tired and need to sleep here soon.

But I feel good.

And, I don't know. Let God guide me. Let my higher self show me to where I must go next.

There are energies at play, here, that I do not understand the workings of, but try to. I can't pin their causes down. And so, maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I'll just ignore the analytical side of myself and just enjoy them.

Whatever they are and wherever they come from.

That tarot reading video told me to speak my truth. And my truth is that I love Fola.

Deeply.

No matter what I said about her in my blog.

I loved her.

And I don't know where my heart will be taking me next.

To someplace good, I feel.

I don't want to jinx this by writing any further. I'm going to lay in bed and enjoy these feelings. Listen to music, and dream of a beautiful life for myself and the ones I love.

With all the good spirits of the universe rallying around me.

For better or worse.

For now, and ever.

The only moment is now.

And that is all that matters.

I'm probably going to send this to her.

God help me.

Day #5

Well blog, sitting on the toilet here and needing to go to sleep soon, so I'll be brief.

Another mini breakthrough from that book I've been reading. GAFPDF is the acronym I came up with to describe the six grand delusions that keep one from being humble and authentic.

They are, 1) Greed 2) Anger 3) Foolishness 4) Pride 5) Doubt and 6) False ideas.

Shortly after getting back with Fola, I realized that I've succumbed to all of them.

I was greedy for attention, angry at her for being thoughtless/selfish, foolish in speaking and acting impulsively, prideful of my worth above her own, doubtful as a result of all the uncertainty she brought in and false ideas about... Well, that part I'm not completely certain about.

Another thing the book advised was to give, and to give is to get. Giving without expectations is the best way to be. But, I went overboard, and didn't give from a place of authenticity.

Missed Fola at around noon today, for a brief spell. I can't understand how this is possible after all the agony I went through with her. Maybe, I just feel like..
I don't know. Lonely, yes. But... Hmm.

Maybe I miss not having enough opportunity to realize our potential. Maybe I miss just having the opportunity to become a better man, by keeping consistent in the face of unpredictability and hypocrisy.

Another thing from the book, is to not compromise my values. That's not happiness. I knew this instinctively, but didn't stick to my guns enough to really make my views clear without muddying them up with repetition. Words that didn't match my actions. Forgiveness when there shouldn't be any given, due to a lack of remorse, or confusion, or respect.

Got outed this morning as being hard of hearing. Superintendent/GF announced it. I thought I would be mortified, but I found myself hardly caring. He noticed yesterday that I failed to turn around to hear him softly ask if I needed a hand with something while I was busy concentrating on this map I was reading. Not expecting anyone to approach. There's always voices around, so I naturally tune them out. But I missed hearing him, and so, he asked if I was hard of hearing. I said yes, and he announced it to the whole crew this morning.

Oh well. Ostracized again. I'm different than everyone else, and what else is new?

Mm. Phillipino dreaming. Kevin in the office had me excited about living in the Philippines due to how cheap everything is. He claims to have a beachfront property with ten acres and a 5,500sq ft house. He only paid 25 grand. I didn't believe it, but I saw all the photos. Amazing. I really would love to live there.

(sighs) time for bed. It sucks.

Good night blog. Sleep well my friend.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Mm

Hi blog. How are you? I'm doing okay, thanks. Wasn't as bad as yesterday, but still just okay.

Remember how yesterday I mentioned the new room? Room 111. And so, as I was reading a book (the challenge of the mind by Okawa) on the way home from work, something tugged at me to draw my eyes downward and noticed that I was on page 111.

Page 111 talked about the caution necessary against inflating the egos of others. And as I continued to read, I began seeing Fola in all this. I inflated her ego. I said I love you, too many times. I always wanted to be with her and rarely said no to us meeting up.

So as I'm reading, I realized one of my biggest mistakes. I did not keep to being humble and authentic with her. At least not after she started getting angry with me for no reason. That first time, I walked away for two weeks.

And after that, I gradually was worn down by her. I still remember her riding me on top while we were in bed, having sex, and I felt such an outpouring of emotion that I blurted out the first "I love you" to her. Shortly after our first breakup.

She looked at me and smiled, and said,

"That's fucking hot."

And it all went downhill from there. I would tell her I love you, and would sometimes get an "I know". That really hurts. And myself, being insecure the way I am, kept feeling like I had to work harder at having her say those words to me in the same genuine and sincere way that I did.

But those words never came.

And her ego just kept getting larger.

So, it's also interesting that shortly after reading a few more pages of my book, I felt different. I made a tiny breakthrough, and I started feeling more present and aware of myself. My feet slowed down. I was paying attention to my surroundings more. I felt happier, and more at ease.

In my room, I checked out her liked videos on YouTube. More interesting stuff. She liked two readings done, one involving the Tarot and the other was a psychic astrology reading.

The Tarot one suggested that she would get with her soulmate at the end of October. One of the last cards, was a ten of cups, which had the person (magician and the star) exclaim how she was going to be meeting her soulmate.

(sighs) and earlier in the video, it talked about her having to use her intuition to decide letting a "death" take place, which was suggested to have been our last relationship. Now, I was pretty impressed by this reading, and so I went to see what the girl had to say about my month (sagittarius) since she seemed to be on the ball with scorpio.

For mine, the first card was about writing. And she talked about how I was wanting to express myself through writing, and that I would need strength to carry it through and speak the truth. Interesting, also.

But it was the last card that made me pause. Ten of cups. I'm also getting my soulmate.

(sighs) it's either us, or its not.

In the other video I watched with a psychic, she told (Fola) to settle for someone easy. In the Scorpio version, she said she had a long road ahead of her as far as finding a good relationship goes, and personal success. Saying she needed to wait six or seven years before it could happen. Funny how Fola didn't like that particular prediction, and only liked the general one rather than scorpio.

As for my sagittarius one, that lady advised me to the value of walking away and not hanging on to someone that doesn't want to meet my standards in a mate. But, she also advised me to keep my door open for when they do.

Very interesting predictions on both of them. So, writing is what I have to do. And I was thinking today about sending a partial manuscript of mine to the writer in residence at the library to comment on. Great timing. Second prediction advised me not to hang around with those that bring me down, but to leave the door open for them when they change things around.

All in all, this month could conceivably end up with us being back together.

I know, I know. Naive as fuck, but I'm curious to see how it will all play out. Both of us are getting soulmates, apparently. I have to walk away, and Fola has to decide on either killing the memory of us and the possibility of our being together, or to work towards being the woman I'd want her to be.

In the second video, it made references to her sexual infidelity/multiple partners. And other things were said in both predictions that seemed to match her perfectly.

Anyways. Whatever happens, happens.

I can only walk away.

For now.

But, boy.

I still miss her.

Long day at work. I have to go to bed.

Good night blog.

I love you buddy.

Even if I write with all the emotional maturity of a 15 year old.

You never seem to complain or laugh about it.

Thank you.