The Lonely Octopus

I think I have my children's story figured out.

It'll be based on a dream Georgina once told me about.

Sort of went like this, if I remember correctly.

"So I was on a boat, where there was this octopus asking me to kiss him. When I did, he transformed into this young man who became infatuated with me."

Yeah. That's it.

I'm sure there were other details, but I can flesh those out on my own. I like this idea. It's the classic Princess and the Frog story, where something ugly is made to become something unexpectedly beautiful and the transformative power of love reveals itself.

It fits in with the theme behind Goblin Under The Bed, one that I'm quite fond of.

Hmm. But a whole story around this concept.. It's basically derivative, so there's not much for originality, but at the same time, ideas aren't new. It's the execution that matters most.

So.. How would I approach this...

"The Girl & The Octopus"

I suppose I could tell this from the octopus point of view, it'll give it an interesting twist. I could project myself into the character, and have the "Girl" come along and change my world.

Fantasy mirroring life, it seems.

Hmm.

It'll be a short story, so I can't go into much depth and detail. It'll be simple, so no big words like concupiscent or garrulous in it. It'll have to be quality over quantity, and each and every word has to be in it's rightful place. Brief, punchy, illuminating, captivating.

Hmm.

I could try at it. Don't have a lot of time these days to write, but a children's story seems like something I could pick away at and eventually finish.

A lot of short sentences, though. Going to need that. And.. topical emotions. Meaning, I'll have to keep myself from being subtle and have everything on the surface.

From the octopus point of view.. Well.. that's intriguing. I can work with that.

Start off with the octopus being in the ocean, lonely, unloved, ostracized.

I'm going to have to research a little into octopuses. I know the females are a fascinating species. They will shelter and nurture their young until they die. It's the ultimate sacrifice to propagate their offspring.

Hmm. Can't do a female octopus obviously.

The Octopus & The Girl

That title almost sounds like some kind of bad hentai anime. But, it's for kids. Not like they would have minds that are picturing wayward tentacles dipping themselves into every available (human) oriphice (holy cow, I can't seem to spell that word even with a spellchecker).

It's such a thin concept though. But again, it's for kids. It doesn't have to be a novel. Just a short story.

Let's see.. ostracized octopus living in the bottom of the ocean. Alone. Hoping for love, and acceptance. The solitude gave it richness of character/spirit. It has a head full of dreams.

Maybe, the octopus doesn't feel like it should be an octopus. Maybe it wants to be something more. Or maybe.. the octopus really was a boy, and became an octopus by way of some curse, or another.

Hmm.

Got to think about this some more.

I like the idea of the octopus once being human, but it's not necessary, since it would be a fantasy tale.

The theme is basically that isolation and solitude breeds richness and depth of spirit. And that faith in the idea of love, is what every human being should aspire towards having.

Believe in the goodness of all things, no matter how ugly they may appear.

And solitude, is nothing to be ashamed of. It's an incubation chamber. It can grow a soul, and make it more appreciative of the things that most people take for granted.

Hmm.

The Lonely Octopus & The Girl With A Golden Heart

The Octopus & The Girl With The Golden Heart.

The Girl With The Golden Heart.

And the octopus.. (sighs) I like The Girl With The Golden Heart.. But not mentioning the octopus, kind of cripples the title/story/expectation.

The Girl With The Golden Heart & The Lonely Octopus.

Too long of a title.. Hmm.

The Lady & The Octopus.

That's not bad.

Reminds me of Lady & The Tramp, but that's not an easy association for most people to make I don't think.

Still, it doesn't capture the magic of the story I want to tell. The Girl With The Golden Heart, does. But not that one.

Mm, chicken soup. Homemade. Made it last week.

No octopuses in there.

Time to eat.

One More Astronaut

So, after posting my last entry, I decided to skim through some of the older posts.

(cringes)

Yeah.. they're bad. In a pathetic way, even.

Yep. This isn't how I want to be. I need my sense of humor back. I need to stop posting about Gina and  try and find other things that are worth talking/thinking about.

But, it's tough, let me tell ya.

Everything reminds me of her. I have a box of Pizzelle on my counter, which are these vanilla-flavoured Italian wafers that I remember her once saying, "Pizzelle...!" in this cute faux-Italian accent of hers this one time we were at the Italian supermarket.

(sighs)

And she's.. the most important thing in my mind right now. Sad as it is to say.

So..

Man..

I've got to re-prioritize. Got to place my focus on where it can benefit me most.

Writing. Meditation. Self-improvement.

Maybe, I should focus on the goal of taking a vacation once this job is done.

Go off to Zimbabwe, or someplace remote. Just by myself. New people. New faces.

And.. learn.

Share.

Whatever it is that I will end up doing.

Hmm. Czech Republic.. I'd love to go there someday and see where my dad is from.

But.. I don't work at my job with that kind of thought in mind. I work because I need to survive. I don't consider it as a way of realizing my dreams, even though that's exactly the point of work.

To realize a better life for myself. To give me the means to have one, anyways.

Hmm.

Such a pathetic batch of entries on my blog. I'm really not proud of the tone I'm using in my posts and the.. seemingly lack of optimism I have in many of them. I'm taking myself too seriously, and that needs to change.

My sense of humor is one of the best parts of who I am, and none of it has been on display for a while.

Just taking things too seriously, I guess.

Got to let levity in.

Time to fire up some weed, and zone out to the lasers.

I'll find myself again someday.

I always do.

Hello Handsome

I don't regret it. Having had all night to think about my sending her a text, I came to accept that it was exactly what my heart wanted me to do. So, I did it.

No regrets.

She didn't write back, but.. so what. Maybe she read it, and maybe she didn't. Maybe my number is blocked and she didn't get it at all.

What the heart wants, the heart gets, and I'm pretty darn sure I gave it exactly what it wanted.

I remember where it happened, where the thought came from to do that. I was in the washroom downstairs, having a smoke and taking a look at my phone.

The urge came without warning. It was like.. "text her.. do it."

My first instinct, was to distrust that suggestion. I didn't want to contact her. I made a blog post expressing just that, but.. I thought of what I learned with Gyngie, and I did write down that I would follow my heart when it came to the scarecrows..

So, I did.

And whether or not she read it, it doesn't matter. I ended up feeling relieved. Like, all the thinking I've been doing about her these past few months.. It just.. found release. I felt like a burden was lifted.

The first thing I felt after sending the message, was a tightness in my chest and a hollow feeling in my gut. It was.. some sort of mix of anticipation and something else. I wasn't expecting a reply, and I didn't get one, but a part of me prepared against the worst case scenario, and I was fine with paying the price of possibly alienating her further.. or whatever the consequences would be.

If she read it, that is.

And.. in hindsight, I wished I could have said more in that one text. I wish I could've said that I loved her, I miss her, and I still think of her everyday. And that my blog has been regularly updated, chronicling all the twists and turns I've been making, to get up to this point.

So.. it wasn't an impulsive text. It was..

What I needed, I guess. My heart.. my.. whatever you want to call it.

I try and pay attention to these impulses of mine. I rationalize them out and all too often, I dismiss a lot of what my gut really wants me to do. Because I don't trust it. Maybe I'm not looking at the big picture, so I don't understand how certain impulsive decisions have ultimately served me well; but in this case, I gave my gut a chance to express itself.

And I'm glad I did.

I don't know about the scarecrows now. It would be too much, too soon. But.. I do have them, and they'd be a waste to not use. So.. I'm going to have to figure out where to put them. Since I don't think I can do Halloween at my house this year due to working nights; I may.. I don't know. Put them on someone else's lawn.

It doesn't matter. Even if they sit in my garage...

(sighs)

It was my gut that made me buy those things in the first place. And it was also my gut, that helped transform my messy and uninspired home into something respectable and worthy of admiration.

So.. there's that. My gut hasn't always failed me.

But now.. now I've broken the wall of silence between us. I broke that promise I made not to contact her.. and.. well..

It is is what it is.

I love that woman.

I've been thinking less of her lately, but I've been thinking about her when it counts most.

If Gyngie knew I was thinking of Georgina while we were together, she would've been upset at being a stand-in for my ex.

Because, I don't love Gyngie in that way. I don't think I ever can. And she would.. well, I hope she's not getting the wrong idea about me now. She has to know that I don't want to be with her "in that way". But after last night.. I.. well..

Who knows.

So.. NaNoWriMo is coming up next month, and I'm toying with the idea of writing something. Take a break from my novel and get to doing something a little easier, with less pressure on myself.

I can pull off 2,000 words a day, I think. I've done it before five years ago, and I can do it again.

But, what about?

I'm thinking that I could carry on with the novel I last wrote for NaNoWriMo, which is called "Puer Auternus: The Electric Messiah" .. I consider it a bit of a sequel to the novel I'm writing now, but more focused on action and drama, rather than the slow-burn of "No Love Left On Earth" ..

But, I was also thinking about writing something for kids.

Because, I was thinking about .. Well, here is what got that train of thought going. It was a quote I remember by Kali Gibran, author of "The Prophet". He said this,

"I found beauty, in a loving heart. And truth, in a labourer's hand."

Paraphrasing it, but I wonder if the loving heart was his own, or someone else's.

For me, I found love in a beautiful heart. My own. Gyngie saw that of me. I sometimes consider myself to be the ultimate aphrodisiac if that makes any sense. My capacity to love another human being, really has no borders. And all too often, the only thing that stops me from expressing it fully, is my biases and insecurities.

Well, those were all gone last night.

Peeled off. Stripped away.

Erased.

And.. I loved what came through from under all that.

Myself. The me I want to be. The me I always was, but was too afraid to be.

No, it's not the me with the awesome career, the big bank account, the pretty loving girlfriend, or the beautiful kids I (could someday) have.. Or even the home I live in.

All these things are just.. outside of myself. All I can do is reflect my soul onto whatever surface is available to me. My home. Gyngie. My mother. My co-workers. Justin.

Strangers.

My writing, this blog.

I.. really want to leave a beautiful legacy behind when I pass from this world, and I don't know how or what it would be.

So, hence.. the idea of a children's book.

When I wrote the "Goblin Under My Bed" .. that short little poem from years ago, it captured what I want to give to the world. It was a poem about how a hideous, ugly creature ended up actually being a kind and friendly soul. The "moral" of my poem, was to not allow outward appearances to influence the judgement bestowed upon the quality of another's character. I wanted to express that appearances aside; there can still exist a kind and loving heart throbbing underneath what many may consider to be ugly. Or weird.

It's.. interesting that I resonate so deeply with that idea. I suppose it's because I happen to feel like the Goblin, and I happen to have a good and kind heart.

So.. Gina judged me to be a goblin.

And yet, I'm actually something more.

We had a turkey dinner at work today. That huge plate left me feeling bloated and tired all night afterwards. But, that's not the highlight of my shift. Nope. It was when my foreman came up to me later on in the evening, looked me in the eye with a smile, and said,

"Hey handsome. What's shaking?"

Heh.

"Hey good looking. Not much. Still getting over the flu." I replied.

And he was getting over the flu as well.

I love moments like that. My happiness is tied to.. other people.. it seems. But.. not usually. At least, not last night it wasn't. I was happy to make Gyngie supper, and to make her feel respected and appreciated.

But honestly? I wasn't even trying. This month marked our two-year anniversary, and I just felt like I should be nice to her.

I appreciate having her around.

Even though she scares me, sometimes.

And I'm not attracted to her.

Well.. not her attitude, at least. That's the part that scares me most. She's an atheist, and she really doesn't care about how far down the drain her life seems to be going. Or has already gone, since she's basically broke and hasn't worked in two years. I'm just hoping she's not going to hit me up for money at some point, otherwise.. we'll probably be done. I can't be sympathetic towards those who don't have the desire to change. Because I know it's possible. I've done it myself. I used to be fat, and lost weight. I used to have low self-esteem and I gained it, to the point of arrogance. And.. Well, other things too I've managed to change in my life.

Granted, my biggest change happened when I was broken up with, but still.

People can change.

All we need is a catalyst I suppose. And Gyngie needs to find hers.

I've already found mine.

I can't state with 100% conviction that I'm ready to be back in a relationship with Georgina, even if such a thing is possible.

But, I am very willing to try. And I'm more ready now than I ever was.

So..

Who knows.

Anyways..

Time to sleep.

I just did :(

(sighs)

My heart is telling me to text her.

I can't.

Fuck.

Closing Time

Love that new chalkboard of mine.

I learned a couple of important things last night.

The first lesson, happened while Gyngie and I were in bed, watching the lasers dance on my ceiling and her head on my chest as I ran my fingers through her hair.

Tom Wait's album "Closing Time" was playing, and the song "I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You" was on, and I was a bit stoned, and so was Gyngie and..

I just imagined that the girl with her head on my chest, was Georgina.

And I realized right there, what I did wrong with her.

The moment I shared with Gyngie, was the moment I wanted to share with Georgina. The lasers, the music, the comfortable bed, her head on my chest, us sharing the silence.

But, I didn't. We never had this kind of moment together. It took two years of my knowing Gyngie, before I.. I guess.. threw caution to the wind, and allowed my true self to shine.

I made her dinner. Cleaned up afterwards. Had her tease me about being OCD about cleanliness, to which I inwardly chuckled, knowing how I was before and how I am now. There was no pressure on me. I was calm, collected, content and feeling very secure with myself. The last time I had felt this way with a girl, was around five years ago with Kim, and that was for one night, and I had little idea at the time what I was experiencing, but I know it now.

I don't want to fall in love with Gyngie, and I don't want her to fall in love with me either. But, last night made me say "fuck it" and I.. became the man I should have been with Georgina.

A man capable of, and appreciative of the silence. A man comfortable with who and where he is.

Before, I was always.. uncomfortable with the void. I always felt like I had to put a movie on, so it wouldn't be "weird" .. and.. I realized that this "weirdness" is really what I should have been chasing with Gina. The weirdness of not ever once turning on the television to pretend to watch a movie, and just chilling in bed to music.. Well, that's what I should have aspired towards. No expectations. No biases. No disrespect or shame or embarrassment.

No pretending.

And.. I realized who my true self really is. And how much I love it. And Gyngie.. well, Gyngie was really.. affectionate towards me once I brought out who I actually am.

We had sex, and I made the bad joke afterwards of saying,

"Great! Looks like we don't have to have sex for another year!"

Because, we've only had sex twice before last night. I just.. can't be with Gyngie in that way. She scares me. On disability. Hasn't worked in two years. Has little desire to improve herself or to chase her dreams, or even have a reason for living. Next month her disability runs out, and she's going to be out of money and I doubt she's going to find herself a job, but she really needs to otherwise she'll be evicted and broke, and even more miserable than she already is.

(sighs)

Second thing I figured out last night, was what I should be doing about the scarecrows.

I figured that I'm going to be following my heart on this decision. I refuse to be motivated by the fear of forever losing Georgina if I pass up this opportunity. If it doesn't feel like the right thing I should be doing, then I won't.

It really felt like.. last night was the reaffirmation that I am on a path of some kind. I'm a slow learner, but I'm learning. I'm writing these things down so I can remember them. I know now, what I should be doing in a relationship. How I should be acting. Feeling. Sharing.

Gyngie helped teach me that. Whether she realizes it or not.

And I know that Gina breaking up with me, had to have happened. Otherwise I would not have had this epiphany. I would still be clueless about what to do, and scared of losing her and feeling like I'm walking on eggshells because I don't want her to think less of me and I pretend to be something other than who I actually am. To hide myself and my vulnerabilities. To put up a facade. Even though I thought it was a convincing one to get away with, I understand now that it wasn't.

I know now, the error of my ways.

As for the scarecrows.. I don't feel like leaving them right now. But I don't have much time left to decide on whether or not I should go through with this idea.

We'll see what happens.

We'll see what my heart has to say.

Have to go get ready for work.

Fun and games are over.

I love you baby doll.

Always will.

No Woman, No Cry

Faith and patience.

How do I accumulate faith?

By becoming convinced that it is a good quality to have.

And to be convinced, I need.. signs.

And.. there has been a few, but they are so subtle.

I really need to let go.

And believe.

Or..

Take charge of my life.

Should I follow my heart, or my ego?

My ego wants to leave the scarecrows..

My heart.. well, that's a tough one. It's hard distinguishing it from what my ego wants.

But, buried within me is the answer.

I want to be with her, but I can't contact her.

And.. if I love her.. if I do love her..

I'm not sure what to do about it. Should I fight? Should I try?

Or should I let go?

And allow "it" to happen?

Whatever, "it" is.

I need to place faith somewhere..

If not in myself.. if not in her..

Then..

I don't know.

These posts are scaring me a little. They're.. not indicative of a loving, hopeful person.

I'm too bogged down by all this.

And I shouldn't be. I.. work depletes me. It makes it harder for me to know exactly how I should be feeling, because I just don't have enough time to really pay attention to myself.

I'm taking the night off.

Fuck it.

It's needed.

Illusions Never Change, Into Something Real

Yeah, It's Saturday. I'm tired.

I don't know what to do. Go to work, and suffer another long night, or stay home and.. suffer the guilt that's going to be weighing on my conscience for not coming in, and missing out on double-time.

Didn't think of her all that much last night. I don't like it. I don't like the idea of fully letting her go, and allowing her to become this mythical "could have been" creature in my mind, for however long the rest of my life will be for.

I'm.. so torn on those scarecrows. On.. life, in general.

I'm not doing what I love. I'm not with who I love.

I.. have nothing. Nothing but dreams that I have little faith in.

When I prayed this morning before falling asleep, I had to remind God that I still feel so uncertain without evidence enough of his existence. That I need some kind of intervention, or.. miracle to happen that will restore my faith. And, I really don't want to demand anything.

I want to take responsibility for my life, and shape it the way it needs to be.

But..

It's so hard.

I don't know how some people are able to work two jobs, while raising a family. Single moms, even.

It's admirable of them. And clearly, I don't have the kind of drive that they do.

Or perhaps, my priorities are completely different than theirs.

For me, I find happiness in following my gut. Without having to worry about money. Just go anywhere, do anything. After a while, I start to relax, and I'm able to begin thinking about the bigger issues that I'm interested in solving. Within myself, and within the novel I'm trying to write.

I have a sliver of an idea as to how to start my next chapter, but.. I still need to develop it some more, before I can get to writing.

And..

Scarecrows..

I don't have much time left, before I need to decide if I'm going to go along with this or not.

I love her.

But Alan Watts made me think. How do I know for sure that I love her? What are the signs? Or symptoms?

What is love, really?

Thinking about this a little last night, I couldn't quite answer this question, but I did come up with a metric that could prove useful.

Love, is the measure of how you feel and make others feel, around you.

Notice that I'm not referring to just one individual, I'm talking about everyday interactions.

I believe that love is pervasive. It becomes a part of who you are. It's not a target that you throw darts at. It's everywhere. It's everything. It's how I relate to everyone, everywhere.

And it's also, how I feel about myself. I think. Although I haven't developed this thought enough, to really know.

Gyngie got upset at me a little last night, during our texts. I'm not going to get into detail, but she's falling hard for this guy named Steven who lives in the States. At first, she told me they were "fighting" and that she was worried about him going to the bar and fucking some random girl.

I pointed out, that this kind of behavior doesn't sound like love to me. And that she wasn't in love, and neither was he.

The conversation ended with her telling me that she's 38 years old, and knows how life works.

Pretty dismissive. I only tried to tell her what my point of view on her situation was, and to take caution in how she feels about a guy that she only knows the sound of his voice by.

She already is talking about marriage. And how no other guy has ever treated her the way Steven has been treating her.

Apparently, he got mad at her earlier for some petty reasons. And she's worried about him fucking someone.

They never even met. And marriage is in the cards, supposedly.

(sighs)

Some people will defend their fantasies to the death. Being rational will not cause a dent in their way of thinking.

And, I have to accept that about myself too.

To scarecrow, or not to scarecrow.

To let her go, or not.

Do I actually love Gina?

Or is this.. just.. a dream.. a fantasy.

Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality....

/song

(sighs)

I.. just get .. I'm teary eyed right now. What a life I live. What a failure I seem to be.

But.. one important thing I acknowledged in my prayer with God this morning, is that the breakup between us absolutely had to have happened, otherwise I would not be who I am right now.

I might not have actually loved Gina, had she allowed me to continue taking her for granted.

I would not learn the important lessons I've learned, had things kept going the way they were.

She made me stop, and re-evaluate myself. And inspired me to change.

And change, I have.

But..

This is still such a struggle. The future is so uncertain. And if I wish to harbor a loving and hopeful heart; then I must not allow my ego to get the better of me. My fears.

I should accept with confidence, that no matter what, with or without Gina, I'm still a good man and someday my heart will find itself a home.

And, if it doesn't. Then I will be be dead, and such a thought won't matter.

But.. there has been so many odd coincidences in my life. If I stepped back and looked at everything objectively, I swear, it all feels like a test.

For instance.. I haven't had any messages across three different dating sites, for a couple of weeks now.

And yet, in the months after being broken up with, I went out with almost a dozen women.

It's inexplicable. When I have it in my head that I want to date, the dates appear.

And now, I don't have that in my head. I'm not thinking about these dating sites at all.

I just think about her.

And how I've already found the right one.

And.. so, this mindset seems to be.. blocking off messages.. if that makes any sense. Opportunities.

I'm not receptive to meeting someone new.

It seems.

And.. It's this receptivity, I feel, which can tie into the idea of the Law of Attraction, that is causing me to not get any messages.

So.. It's strange, sometimes, how everything works. I may not know what my destiny is, but something higher than myself seems to know.

Because it all feels like something is unfolding. Some kind of plan is in motion. And that this pain I'm feeling now, is a part of it, and is preparing me for something.

What that something is, I don't know. It could be good or bad.

Maybe my destiny is not to love and be loved by. Or to write a novel. Or to insulate.

It could be something else. Something I have no idea about, and will be surprised by.

I'm just.. tired. So tired, that I've.. pretty much surrendered my soul to the powers that be.

I.. I'm always torn about that. Having more faith in.. God, than I do in myself, is probably not a wise way of being.

And given that my faith in God is so uncertain at the moment, I have very little of it left.

Maybe when I least expect it, I will someday get a message from a really good person on one of those dating sites, and all this suffering will be worth it.

It has happened before, so I know it can happen again.

I hope, anyways.

Or maybe.. I need to take my life into my own hands, and..

Well. Do something about it.

Earn my way.

Work on myself. Prepare myself for that great thing to happen.

Maybe someday, I will get a message from Gina saying, "David, I miss you."

But..

I don't know if that can happen. It can. But it doesn't seem likely.

I don't think she misses me at all.

And if I don't do those scarecrows, I won't have an opportunity to remind her that I'm still around, without actually messaging her. I could do the snowman idea for Christmas, where I'd make snowmen along the street she drives to work, with a sign.. but that would still be months away.

And this Halloween/scarecrow thing, seems to be good timing.

And.. I really have nothing to lose by doing it.

Other than my dignity, I suppose. But that's psychological.

And.. my faith, maybe. Because.. if I do that, and things get worse between us; then, I'm done. I'll have no choice but to forget her and move on.

I can't keep banging my head against the wall, trying to make her see how much I want her. How I'd do anything to be able to see her again. To be with her. To kiss her neck, and hug her and meet her family and her kids.

I don't like the odds I have, of those things happening.

Because they feel non-existent to me right now.

Still, though. It's better than nothing. That 5% chance of something happening, is better than no chance at all.

I want her to know that I still think of her, and that I'm still respecting the distance between us.

I don't want to be doing this out of fear. Fear of losing her forever.

I.. I'm so torn.

Thanks Natalie Imbruglia.

I'll figure something out.

Low Wattage

Alan Watts has given me pause for thought.

The random quote I got today on my phone was this:

"Never pretend to a love which you don't actually feel, for love is not ours to command."

And, I have to ask myself. Am I pretending to love Gina? Or, is it something else? Is she a fantasy I'm hoping for?

I don't know. And I don't have much time to think right now, as I'm posting this from the parking lot at work and need to go soon.

Did 20 minutes of meditation today and it sucked.

Within the first few minutes, I cried. Thinking about her again, until I could calm myself down and focus on my breath. And by the time I pulled myself together, the twenty minutes was up.

I don't think I'm going to come in to work tomorrow. It's double time, but it's optional too. And I'm still not feeling well. Coughing, got a cold, feeling tired.

(sighs)

Life goes on.

Without her.

The Perpetual Fog

I don't understand myself sometimes.

Today, I went to work with raised spirits, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, feeling encouraged by how good the night before went, and..

It was just blah.

Slow. Cold. Still got the flu going.

Didn't feel like talking much to anyone. My good mood went downhill, until it leveled off to what I would consider a state of tolerance. Nothing really interested me. No conversation I had was particularly interesting. I tried keeping my positive attitude going, but it didn't really affect my mood all that much. Kind of miming what a positive attitude is, instead of actually having one, I suppose.

But, there was a strange moment that occurred towards the end of the shift, which is what I'm inspired to blog about.

At around 4:30am, I go to have a last cigarette before signing out at 5 when as I was standing there in the smoke pit, there was a.. gruff looking guy to my left, puffing away on his vaporizer. Nothing remarkable, he hit the button on it, and the display lit up.

And.. I just felt the compulsion to start talking to him.

And he wouldn't stop talking to me.

But, the odd thing is, is that my mood shifted.. somehow. My voice became deeper, more clearer, more thoughtful just because I was engaged in conversation with this complete stranger.

Didn't catch his name, or introduce myself, but the half hour flew by and I had to race back to where I would sign out before heading home.

It's just.. weird, how that happens. Certain people bring out certain qualities in me, and I feel.. some kind of instinct kicking in, or something.. that prompts me to want to interact with them.

And then, my voice becoming clearer and deeper.. well, that was a reversal of what went on for the nine and a half hours prior to my meeting that stranger. It just happened. Unconsciously and without any reason whatsoever.

So, yeah. I don't understand myself sometimes.

When I was talking with that 23 year old a while ago, before we went out on a date, she claimed she was something called an "empath" and here is a brief description of what that is:

"Empaths are highly sensitive, finely tuned instruments when it comes to emotions. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme, and are less apt to intellectualize feelings. Intuition is the filter through which they experience the world. Empaths are naturally giving, spiritually attuned, and good listeners."

So.. that has to be me, right? When I described to Melissa, how I seem to "change" among different types of people, she enthusiastically remarked that I was an empath as well.

It's really interesting, because I never thought of this sort of thing before. I never thought there was a classification for what kind of person I am. I always considered myself an introvert, who was some kind of rare personality type INFJ or whatever; and never could pin down exactly the qualities that makes up who I am, and what makes me tick and think and feel the way I do.

That experience I had tonight, has really made me begin considering who I actually am. And what personality type would I best be matched with.

Anyways.. That's the big takeaway from my shift at work.

Also, I need to start meditating regularly. Didn't manage to do it today, given my lack of time, but I will later on. I'm going to establish a routine, where after I take a shower, I'm doing 20 minutes of meditation to try and make a connection of some sort. With my higher self, or something else..

Or whatever.

On another odd note, I didn't think of her much today either. She was really.. blunted, as far as my thoughts went. I could still picture her in my mind's eye, but the emotions that are usually associated with doing that, didn't quite come out as strongly as they did the night previous. Not sure why that is. It's weird to be crying over her (again, and again) the day before, and the next.. is completely different.

It's coming and going in waves, is what I'm thinking. I expect I'll be crying again eventually over her, for some reason or another.

That's why I need to meditate. To figure this out. To listen, and open myself up to whatever force inside of myself or outside, to try and give me a bit of illumination regarding all this.

Because I badly need it.

Anyways.

Time for bed. Two more days to go, and I'm having Gyngie over at my place for Thanksgiving.

Fog machine and laser time, baby.

Off I go.

A Beautiful Courage

Got to go to sleep soon, so this will be a quick update on how my night went.

Going off to work, I was feeling pretty low and depleted. Still sick with the flu, and it was cold and windy outside.

But, it was a pretty good night.

I managed to get my partner Warren, to slow down to a tolerable working pace, and we shared some amusing moments together which helped make the shift go by.

Later, as I was listening to Yves, the guitar player of 30+ years talk about his guitar-playing-in-the-club days, I was being overheard by Mustafa, the Muslim guy. After Yves was finished talking, I got up and moved over to Mustafa, which is when he made an odd observation about me.

"You'd be great as a talk show host," he said.

"Are you kidding me? Me? I can't be a David Letterman or Leno."

"I heard you talk. You would be a good talk show host."

"I don't think I'd be good at that," I said.

You don't know! Maybe we all don't know what is in our futures, and what we have the most talent for that we would be really good at doing."

"Yeah, but I can't see myself as doing that. I like listening to Yves, I like listening to people talk. I'm curious about them, and interested in learning more about their lives."

"See, you could be a talk show host. You're a personable guy."

I had to say "aw", and brush off his compliment. I then told him what I would really like to be doing for a living, and what I'd be really good at; but can't make any money with.

I told him about writing, and how difficult it is to get it done in the way that a publisher would want to take a chance with and to the standard that I find exceptional.

I then told him the second thing I'd most enjoy doing for a living, working at a hospital. And all I would be doing, is walking around and talking to the patients, trying to cheer them up. But, who's going to pay me to do that? He suggested becoming a nurse, but I really don't want to consider such a position for myself. It's too.. personal, in the wrong way. Or maybe, too intimate for me to build an eventual tolerance towards. Such as changing bed pans, or giving people sponge baths, and seeing them naked and watching them die. Maybe it would polish my spirit, giving it a bit of a shine more so than it already has, but I doubt it. I wouldn't know if I could handle that kind of intimacy with another human being, I'm already deeply invested into healthy people as it is.

Anyways, work went well. I actually had a decent time for once, and it's because of the people I work with. They know how to raise my spirits when I need it most.

Good guys. Trent, Matthew, Greg, Doug. Yves. Mustafa. Wayne, my foreman. Matt, the other foreman.

And, before work I did a ten minute meditation session in my closet. How'd that go? I cried. Yep. Clearing my mind with flute music (courtesy of the insight timer app), I felt the blankness of being for a brief while and then she came in.

Gina.

Right in the middle of this, I found myself imagining the last time I saw her arrive at my door. I imagined grabbing her with a big smile on my face, and giving her the warmest, best hug I could ever give someone.

And.. that's when I cried.

Ten minutes was up pretty quick, in my opinion. I sure didn't have any insights or inner-voices speaking to me.

But, yeah. Cried. I also cried again after work.. Just.. her face.. her photograph blossoming in my mind. Like this picture here,

And this one.

(sighs)

She asked me in her last email, to not post photos of her on here. And to delete them. And then to tell her that I deleted everything, even if I made my blog private again.

But.. I didn't make her that promise. I said I would make my blog private, and I did.

So.. there's her photos.

The girl I am desperately in love with.

God damn it.

I have never felt anything like this before in my life. This constant thinking about someone. Anyone. I've never thought of anyone this much.

For this long.

I. Don't want to .. do the scarecrow thing. But.. I do. I really do need to let her know that I'm still thinking about her. She has to.. she has to know that. And she would still have to make the next move.

Whatever it will be.

But .. I hope .. I don't want to cause any more trouble. I don't want her to get upset and to have her mom call me again, or maybe filing something like this with the police, even though I really doubt such a thing could happen. Or be proven, that I did in fact leave scarecrows by the side of the street with HAPPY HALLOWEEN on three of them and BOO-TIFUL on the one lonely scarecrow, a tiny distance away from them.

It would be such an obvious .. 

God.. it sounds so crazy.

It would command her attention, but it could steer it either way.

Towards me, or much much further away.

And I don't know, but I'm feeling like doing something is better than nothing.

She has to know that I love her.

After all this time.

And that love really matters. And it's exactly what she's looking for. And I have it. I have all of it to give her.

If only she would know this to be true. But she doesn't. Even if I write her an email explaining all this, it still might not have the same effect, AND I would be breaking my promise to not contact her again.

I said I wouldn't contact her, but.. scarecrows on the street.. that is so borderline... 

I don't know.

I know I am in love.

That's all.

The kind that doesn't leave me depressed and despondent for not having her with me. It's.. the.. graceful kind of sadness that I am experiencing. The sadness I reserve to express in my most private moments, whenever I need to. Like today.

But, I don't let this sadness turn into depression. I'm still trying to be friendly, and easy to get along with. And trying to keep a good relationship going with my mom, after years of neglecting her.

And a lot of other things. I'm trying not to let Gina bother me.

But, she does.

And.. obsession? .. I don't think it is. I mean, it is in that general definition, but...

There's a.. kind of beautiful courage living in me, whenever I face another day having to constantly try not to think of her.

It's an inspiring, kind of hopeful feeling. Tucked down where I can barely see it, but I know it's there. It's lurking down below, some kind of.. 

Maybe.. my essence? An essence that contains an inspirational and hopeful truth.

Just knowing that it's there, gives me comfort.

I'm not depressed. I don't want to end my life. I'm not turning into an alcoholic or a drug addict.

I'm.. not broken, and unable to function.

I can.

I do.

So that's my night in a nutshell.

So much for this being a "quick" update.

Oh well.

*jazz hands*

It's Still Yucky To Me

Well, I managed to crawl out of bed today at 3 and worked on one of my chapters.

It's slow going, at the moment. My creativity isn't at its optimal level and all I can do is make small, simple corrections and additions. Can't do a new chapter just yet. Not until I come up with ideas for how to follow up the last one I wrote.

I toyed with the idea of writing a short story, but I couldn't get past the first sentence. I wanted to write a kind of children's tale about a man falling in love with a woman, only to suffer heartbreak by her. It was going to be allegorical, and involve a sorcerer that is conspiring to keep the lovers apart.

I wanted to mirror my situation, obviously. But through fiction, and with metaphors.

Couldn't get past the first sentence, and now I have to go get ready for work.

There's just not enough time in the day. I'm going to take a shower and then meditate for ten minutes. I need to establish some kind of routine that I will keep up as I go from day to day, so I'll be able to get the most important things done that I find are easy to neglect if I don't force myself to pay attention to them.

I'm trying. Still, it's hard. I miss having time off. I'm a dreamer, and a thinker and when my mind is occupied with things to do, such as going to work and general responsibilities; I can't really let my thoughts wander like they need to. My imagination is dependent on my being relaxed, and feeling at ease with myself. And I don't really feel that way at the moment.

But, trying is better than doing nothing.

One thing I'm disappointed about, is that because I'm on night shift, I won't be able to pass out candy this year for halloween. Oh, wait. Is halloween on Sunday? No. It's on a Monday. Yeah, so I won't be able to wear a spooky mask and see all the kids dressed up.

That sucks.

Maybe I could put in for a leave of absence from work, for that one day. I don't know yet.

I'm in a weird place right now. I feel off-kilter somehow. Like, my fuel gauge is on empty, but somehow I still keep chugging along on the fumes.

I toyed with the idea of closing all my accounts on the three dating sites I'm on. I just can't.. I don't want to be on there anymore.

Plenty of Fish, OkCupid, eHarmony.

I'm not even getting any messages from anyone. It's been.. a week, I think since I've gotten anything.

I don't like the idea of my profile being online. I don't like.. having hope, that somehow the right person will message me and I will..

Forget her, and move on.

Because.. I think I've found the right person.

And.. I have to earn her. I have to work at getting her back. And I have to start with myself, first, before I can feel confident enough in who I am and what I have to offer.

There's not enough time in a day, but I can make time. I just need to establish a routine, and stick by it. When I wake up, I should brush my teeth, have a coffee and cigarette, then shower, meditate and do some writing.

Maybe even exercise a little. It's better than nothing.

And then, my day can start.

Well..

I'd better get to it then.

Work is still yucky to me.

Heh.

Right Here, Waiting

Oh, boy.

On my coffee break at work tonight, I thought I'd go onto OkCupid. Mainly to see if Gina reactivated her profile, just out of morbid curiosity. She didn't, but I then made the mistake of looking at the messages we exchanged when we first met.

I'm .. smitten.

(sighs)

I keep using (sighs) all the time in my blog, and I don't like (sigh)ing so much, but what other way can I convey my exasperation at how I've been handling the breakup?

It's.. I love her. I love our early conversations together. I haven't checked out our texts, but I imagine I eventually will revisit them. I already plan on printing them all out and going from beginning to end.

Yeah.. I'm a glutton for punishment, it seems.

For a brief moment, I entertained the idea of doing the scarecrows on the side of the street where she drives to work, and.. I swiftly realized that I still need to make myself into the kind of man she deserves. I'm still not at that level yet, though I have the potential to be.

There's a lot I've got left to do with myself. And I'm not quite sure where I should start. When I wrote my list of things I "want" from life, I didn't think about what the first step would be for a lot of them, but after thinking about it some more, I think meditation would be a good habit to get back into.

If prayer is talking, then meditation is listening, and I need to listen. Listen hard, to whatever voice or idea comes into my mind as I sit in a quiet spot, in uninterrupted darkness and pay close attention to my feelings and thoughts.

I need to get a handle on this situation. Gina is almost exactly the kind of woman I'd want to be with, and she has the potential to become perfect in my eyes.

Looking over our early conversations, I realize that her heart and soul was on full display and.. I didn't take it seriously enough. I wish I understood this earlier, back when we were together, just how much she wanted to share her life with me. And I couldn't. I was and am, still ashamed of certain parts of what makes up the kind of man I ended up as.

That's.. vulnerability speaking. I was afraid to make myself vulnerable to her. Out of fear that if I did so, then she would be disgusted by me.

But.. that's honesty, too. She wanted an honest man, and.. I wasn't it. I hid things from her that I wanted to say. I didn't express myself clearly. I didn't.. fall in love with her as I should have, because I had my guard up. After so many bad relationships, I.. couldn't let her come through the wall I've built up around my heart. I was terrified of showing it to her.

And.. I should have. I should have sat her down and talked about myself more. I should have opened myself right up and tell her everything that is wrong with me, so that I wouldn't have to suffer the burden of the secrets that I carry.

For better, or worse. Whatever the outcome would have been.

Honesty. Openness. Courage.

I didn't exhibit these qualities while I was with her.

I just thought she was too good to be true, and something would go wrong, so I should make the effort of keeping a mask up. A false pretense.

And, I shouldn't have done that. I wouldn't want her to have done it with me.

So.. reading our messages..

(sighs) (again)

I don't know what to do. I'm toying with the scarecrow idea again. I'm thinking about anonymously mailing her a gift card to Mastermind Toys in late November, so she can get something nice for her kids on Christmas. I'd probably forge the letterhead and explain that she won a "draw" that someone had entered her into.

(sighs) (x3)

But.. those ideas aren't going to win her back. I know that already. It seems that I'm more interested in making her happy, even if I don't get credited for it.

And thinking about having her back, is a little strange. Because, as much as I want her in my life, I realize that I have to be able to live up to her expectations and.. I don't know yet if I can.

There's still things I need to do, before I'd consider myself ready.

And the worst thought, is that she likely has forgotten about me and has this entirely negative perception of who I am, and yet..

I still want to believe it's possible.

And even if I can never have kids with her, I still want to believe I'd be happy spending the rest of my life with her.

.. But..

I don't know if I would be.

And yet, she is almost exactly the kind of woman I want and need in my life.

But she doesn't want to be that woman.

So..

What do I do now?

Meditation is all I can think of. I have to.. open myself up and become receptive to what my inner voice is telling me to do. Trusting my intuition is a difficult endeavor, given how many times it appeared to have steered me wrong. But.. I'm not sure if it has. That saying "everything happens for a reason" could apply in my case. That all my mistakes and failures and experiences are all leading up to something that I'm being prepared for. Maybe Gina is a stepping stone to greater things in life. To me becoming a better person.

I'm still keeping a clean home. I'm still feeling.. changed. But, not as much as I would like.

I still have a ways to go.

I tried thinking of what I needed to change while at work, and I could only come up with a shortened list that needs to be expanded on.

Physical. Mental. Spiritual.

These three words make up the totality of my being. Physical gratification includes exercise, getting enough sleep and eating the right foods.

Mental gratification, involves having a positive attitude, feeling good about myself, keeping productive and organized and pursuing long-term goals with confidence.

Spiritual, is a little trickier. Meditation, visualization, prayer, mastering the art of gratitude, mindfulness and strengthening my faith are some of the ways that involve developing the connection I have with myself, and the world around me.

So.. Physical, mental and spiritual fulfillment is what I'm after.

I wrestled with the idea of sex as being a part of physical gratification, and in a way it is, but it is not absolutely necessary for me to have at the moment. As much as I would want it to be.

An orgasm is not something I should be placing such a high priority on having.

These thoughts are bringing to mind Maslow's hierarchy of needs, where he describes sex as being part of the equation. And I disagree. As awesome as sex is, there's something to be said for retaining one's sexual energy and putting it to use, rather than becoming a slave to the impulse.

That's celibacy, obviously, but it's also sexual transmutation. And having an orgasm once in a while, is a nice release, but not an absolutely needed one.

I should remind myself of this more often. Too many of my relationships had me thinking about sex, first and foremost, rather than developing a good connection with the woman I'm with. That's another thing I have to work on.

I seem to equate having sex, with validation of who I am. That if another person is willing to work at giving me an orgasm, then that must mean I am worthwhile.

That's it. I've solved this aspect of myself that has confused me for so long.

Well.. It's still tough getting over the habit of wanting sex.

Anyways, I'm rambling.

Meditation. 15 minutes of sitting inside my dark closet, with noise-cancelling headphones and some kind of ethereal sound playing, like the Solfeggio frequencies, or Tibetan Monks chanting.

I haven't tried meditation on weed, but maybe that's an idea worth considering as well.

I need to first re-establish a connection with the essence of who I am, and work at clearing out the debris in my mind so that I can better focus on the things that matter most.

My life. And the relationships I have with others.

It's easy for me to lose focus, once I'm caught in a job like the one I'm in now. Where I come home from work, tired, cranky and generally not very happy with how little free time I have.

Then again, some people work two jobs. Some people have families to take care of. Obligations. Errands. Responsibilities that I am fortunate not to be saddled with, at the moment.

So, I should be grateful for that. And willing to make the most of the little bit of time I have to spare each day.

That means.. well, I already curtailed my video game playing and movie/tv watching. I don't even read all that much anymore.

Lately, my big thing has been this blog. And I'm still surprised at how often I've been updating it. Even while working full-time, six days a week.

I'm proud of doing so, too. It's good to let my thoughts down on.. uhm, paper. Sort of. At least I'm chronicling my progress, and it's important to have a record of all this so that down the road I can look back and see if I've learned anything. And what I should be reminding myself of, so that I don't repeat the same mistakes over and over.

But, it's still tough for me to know how to be myself with someone that I would want to love. I.. understand exactly how I must be, on a deep level, but I don't have.. confidence enough in the person that I'm with, to really know who I am, and that she would embrace my insecurities and not think any less of me for having them.

I'm.. still a good man. A flea market psychic told me so. Heh.

And many others.

I wish I wrote in my blog, about some of the experiences I've had with people in the past. Like the taxi driver lady who I ended up being on friendly enough terms with that she invited me to her (lesbian) wedding.

The time I trashed my house.

The road trip I impulsively took, that had a lot of strange moments including driving my car into a ditch and then meeting this one guy I shared a campfire with, who told me about his life and then.. well, he.. thought I was.. uhm, Jesus.

And then, the 30km walk I took afterwards. At night. With a clear, starry sky guiding my way.

So many random experiences that I haven't taken the time to jot down.

I feel like some of the most important parts of my life, have been dismissed and forgotten about. Even though I remember them, I just don't think of them often enough.

And maybe I should be. Because maybe I'll be able to draw some conclusions if I think about them a bit more. Maybe I'll see my destiny hidden in them. Maybe I can chart out all the strange coincidences I've had, and fortify my faith with knowing that at the right time, the right thing happens to me, right when I need it.

That's an important thing for me to remind myself about. But, I've.. relegated most of these experiences to the back of my mind, where they wander around like hazy ghosts, in need of more definition and clarity.

Thin wisps of memory, demanding to be acknowledged and brought back into the forefront of my mind.

Jail, particularly. Ten years ago, I was in the Remand centre for a night. And it really was an.. experience that I'll never forget. But I have yet to write about.

"Anyone want some hot dick?" some random guy shouts out, while I laid in the top bunk of a bed in a room with around 30 different people who were there for one reason or another. The plexiglass guard booth. The guy showering and giving me the eye and then trying to go alpha-male on me, which I had to stand up against.

The way I'd make eye contact with everyone there, despite the advice I heard about not meeting the eyes of any of the inmates. I had to play the psycho. Otherwise I'd have been taken advantaged of.

And.. it worked. I survived that experience. And I haven't even discussed all the other stuff that went on in that one night.

Crawling out from the holding room, trying to leave.. Hearing.. Now this part is weird, but in this holding cell.. "drunk tank" I suppose you could call it, they were piping in sounds of people grunting and groaning in pain. I'm serious. I don't think I was imagining it, but over the loudspeaker, it sounded like someone was getting hit and it was a very suspicious tactic, as I imagine it was done so that the truly "crazy" people there, would imagine that they were hearing voices in their heads, and it would be then easier to weed them out once they start acting up because of it.

That's my theory, anyways. I had a psychiatrist who came into this holding cell where there was maybe.. 8 or 9 of us there, and he sat down next to me, trying to get a sense of who I am.

I stuck with my gut, and basically played it straight. No fear. Made mention of the sounds I heard, and pretended like it was weird, but not a big deal.

I knew he was a psychiatrist. He was dressed like one, and pretended not to be. He was in and out of that cell in only a few minutes, so.. obviously not an inmate.

I joked with the other female mental-health assessment officer, later on, and knew I had to stay calm and collected and strong.

Anyways.. that's a story I need to write about someday.

I have so many stories like that, but I can't tell anyone all of them. I'd be ashamed of myself if I did, and they.. the other person would think less of me, maybe.

I don't know. But I know I don't really want to see what the other person's reaction would be, to some of the things that happened in my life.

(shrugs) .. but if I'm with a woman that deserves to be loved by me, and is willing to love me?

I should tell her everything.

And let her decide whether or not I'm worth being with.

Because, I don't want to be a used-car salesman holding back some of the things that he knows is wrong with the car he's attempting to sell to a potential buyer.

No. I need to be honest with the ones I love. No matter what.

But when I think about it, I wouldn't tell my mom many of my stories either. And I love her. But I also have the sense enough to know that these admissions, is not going to be putting me into a better light. It's not going to have anyone respect me. Or understand who I am.

Because, even after all these years, I still don't quite understand myself.

I'm cynical and I'm naive. I'm hopeful and I'm hopeless.

I'm.. inconsistent. With certain people, I behave in certain ways. To some, I'm smart and witty and perceptive and charming. To others, I'm probably thought of as an idiot with social anxiety issues.

It all depends on who I come into contact with.

I don't get why that is. I think I'm too.. malleable, maybe.

And also.. I figured out the word I was searching for a few days ago.

Distorted. I'm less distorted these days.

But, I still have plenty of room to improve.

And, so...

I will try.

Time to sleep.

"It's Yucky To Me"

Yeah, so last night was rough. Soon as I showed up, I found out that I'd have been "written up" for taking two days off. The reason was, "unauthorized absence". Looks like I should have gotten that doctor's note, but..

Whatever. Seems like the system is against everyone from the start. I find it ironic that Jacobs bills itself as a "culture of caring" as per how our orientation kept impressing upon us, and then stuff like this happens where I'm legitimately sick and they aren't as "caring" as they pretend themselves to be.

Lots of other people at work were sick too. I counted at least 3 from my crew, and a few others didn't show up.

Guess those guys are also taking "unauthorized absences".

(sighs)

My foreman assured me that it's not a big deal, and I agree. If I ever lose my job, it wouldn't be the end of the world. I'd go get another one. There's plenty of work. Even if I have to go to Fort Mac..

Yuck.

I also realized as I sat in the smoke pit, looking at all the towers and vessels and people milling about;

I realized that I don't belong here. I'm a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I've been feeling this way about my job for years now, and the only saving grace of it is the people that I work with. That's the only thing that has kept my sanity intact. But, I don't always have great people around and I don't always get paired up with them for the entire shift.

Such as last night, where I had to work with a fellow named Warren, who was this hyperactive "let's get it done!" maniac that wouldn't slow down, despite there not being a rush for anything. Even our foreman said to "take our time". Warren kept zipping around, and had a few dumb moments where he could have tripped on some wire that became tangled around his foot because he was too oblivious and in the "zone" to even notice. I had to point it out to him, and remind him to slow it down.

"That's how I work!" is what he told me in response.

(sighs)

He's not a bad guy, but I don't work well with people like that. Who seem to have this fear of losing their job, or being thought less of for not working fast enough. And it's such a "hurry up and wait" situation at work, where we can finish a job and then stand around waiting for the next one because there aren't any releases. Or we get kicked out of an area, because they're doing a lift, or welding, or whatever.

It's ridiculous. Yellow flagging everywhere. Red ribbons everywhere. People yelling at each other from different heights. Banging sounds. People moving around all over, sometimes right next to your job where you have to wait and watch as they do whatever needs to be done, such as modifying a scaffold.

I hate it. I don't like these conditions I work in. The job itself is easy, but not the way we do it. It's like being asked to spend ten hours opening envelopes and transferring the contents from one pile to another except you have to do it with thick gloves on, glasses that fog up regularly, using only one hand, and standing on your head while getting interrupted every ten minutes by three squawking chickens that mill about on the stack of letters you have to open up. It's that absurd. It's like a cartoon, almost.

Basically, it's "controlled" chaos.

And after spending 15 years doing this type of work, I've had enough. I've had enough a while ago, but I really have had enough now.

Except.. there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can think of, anyways.

I come home from work exhausted and tired and go to sleep at 7am. I then wake up at 3pm, or whenever, and have to get myself ready for the next shift. Shower, shave, take a dump, prepare my lunch, run whatever errands I need to do and then it's off to work again to repeat the cycle.

At most, I'll have a couple hours to myself to do things like updating this blog, reading, taking a bath, etc.

But, it's not enough.

Writing my novel.. man.. I have a hard time doing it, especially now. Working six days a week, ten hours a day.. and they even asked some people if they wanted to work 12 hour shifts and I'm glad I wasn't one of the ones who were asked.

(sighs)

There has to be more to life than this.

I miss my girl.

I thought of her last night, a little, but not as frequently. I.. felt her fading a bit, and.. I don't like how that feels. To loosen my grip on the memories I have of her. I thought of her as a safety girl talked to me, and I thought of her necklace, and how she enjoyed my kissing her neck and.. her smile.. how she liked 80s music and how we spent that one night on YouTube playing all the songs we could think of from that era.

And.. I thought about the last night we spent together, and how I royally fucked it up for taking her for granted. I don't want to remember that, but I have to. I have to learn from my mistakes.

She wanted an emotional connection with me, and I wanted a physical one, and we didn't.. really mesh very well that night.

I'm so sorry baby doll. I felt like such a freak for.. how I acted when you rejected sex, for the first time in all the time we were together. I.. don't know what happened to me. I was tired.. I had to go to work the next day (and didn't) and .. working in the hot sun all day in such a noisy and stressful environment just makes it hard for me to want anything but a sexual release to take my mind off of things, and I'm too tired to make the effort of connecting with you emotionally.

And.. I wish I could've let her known that. And that I don't take rejection very well, and that..

I'm trying to be better than what I am.

But, I do falter sometimes. And it's hard being consistent.

I cried a little over all this stuff as I was falling asleep this morning. It's not a pleasant way to be.

Having faith.. (sighs) .. sometimes I wonder what that phrase even means. Or how it can be utilized to help me. It's basically brainwashing. Convincing myself of something that may or may not exist, which may or may not be able to help me.

I still say my nightly prayers, but the silence.. the silence is deafening sometimes.

It'll be nice to have more obvious coincidences happen to me, if there is indeed a higher power that is operating for my benefit, behind the scenes.

As it stands, it's too subtle to really know for sure if.. anything up there actually cares about me enough to help.

I'm only one of billions, after all.

I wish I knew exactly what I had to do. I can't spend the rest of my life thinking about the girl I've lost, and the job I don't like doing, and the novel that I can't seem to find enough time and inspiration to finish writing.

At one time, a few years ago, I had the strange urge to become a volunteer at the hospital. I wanted to be the guy that walked around, talking to patients, and giving them support and making them smile. I wanted to .. sort of be a Patch Adams, but without the dumb red ball on the nose, and just be this guy who goes around cheering people up.

But, who the hell would give me a job like that? That pays well?

It's what I'd really like to do, though. I love meeting new people. I love making them laugh.

Especially kids. And old people.

Anyone who has it figured out, that life is all about relationships, and never about money. No matter how hard society tries to suggest it is. From capitalism, to rappers, movies, whatever. There are things that are more important than just money.

We live in a world where we need money to survive, and that sucks.

What we really need, is a guaranteed place to live, a reasonable amount of food, clothing and the opportunity of realizing our dreams.

Everything else, is secondary.

I'm not suggesting becoming a welfare bum, but rather, just having the assurance of food and shelter and clothing and a modest amount of money; are all things everyone on this planet is entitled towards having. Or should be entitled towards.

Of course, there are problems with this model, and that is what I will attempt to address in my book, so I can better clarify what those problems are, and how to best account for them.

Other than that..

Telling myself to have "faith" doesn't seem to be working very well. Especially since I don't know how to have faith anymore. I.. just believe there is something greater out there, but I don't know what it can do for me. If it can do anything at all, or if it already has been doing something and that I'm just unable to see the big picture at the moment. So.. that means, I have to take charge. I have to.. push myself to get to where I need to be. I need to realize my own destiny.

But.. I'm just.. not smart enough to know how to do it, I guess. Or..

Whatever.

I still try, though. But maybe I need to try harder. Maybe I need to focus on one specific thing and really put all my energy behind it, until I achieve it. Just one step at a time. One goal at a time.

I.. don't know, but I'm sure one goal at a time is easier than trying to juggle other ones at the same time.

But.. all I want.. is to be loved, and to love.

That's it.

Except.. Well, I want other things too, but that's the most important one for me. And.. I still have to go to work. I still have to suffer being on dating sites. I still have to ..

Live my life without her.

(sighs)

I don't want to post anymore today. This has gotten depressing enough.

So much for my being "filled with love" as I thought I felt weeks earlier. Maybe I am filled with love, but.. it's..

It feels pointless not being able to share it with the ones I love the most.

..

Got to get ready for work.

It's yucky, to me. As Georgina's son once said.

Wish I could have met him.

Godliness Is Next To Cleanliness

I have to leave for work in about 40 minutes, and I'm not 100% recovered from the flu.

It sucks.

Itchy eyes, chest congestion, blowing my nose.. My body is a biological weapon of mass destruction if I should decide to take it to work with me today. But, I have to. Got to make a living. I've already had three days off, and calling in sick again is just going to raise eyebrows and possibly have me getting an early layoff.

Because, that's how things work there. If I had a doctor's note, it would have bought me some leeway, but I don't, because I don't want to go to a crowded clinic and sit around for an hour waiting for my name to be called, and then telling the doctor I'm only there for a note that I have to pay 30 dollars for and that I already know I need rest and plenty of fluids.

I hope my foreman and supervisor understands this. And I guess when I show up, they can see for themselves that I'm not doing well.

(shrugs) that's the way its got to be, I guess.

One thing I noticed today, is that my feet feel firmly grounded. It's strange to acknowledge that I haven't really felt like I could feel my feet on the floor as I walk around, but I do. In the past, I kind of walked around with "light" feet, if that makes any sense. Where it doesn't feel like I really have them planted, almost like I'm unconsciously at unease with my connection to the ground. Yeah.. It's a weird thing to admit, but its not only that, my posture has improved too. Well, not at this particular moment since I'm sick, but before where I was a bit hunched, I'm standing straighter.

And my back has hurt a lot less than it used to. So much for being diagnosed with ankylosing spondalites a few years ago.

It's hard to describe these kind of "minor" changes, because they're so far into the background of my psyche that sometimes there are no words.. wait.. grace.. maybe that's it. I've become more graceful.. Eh. Nah.. that's not even the correct word to be using for this.

Mindful? Close.. I don't know.. maybe.. optimized.. corrected.. given more fluidity of motion.. more connection with my body.. pfbt..  who knows what to call this.

I'm quite different now than I used to be. Taking a bath, I noticed a little speck on the wall that bothered me enough to want to remove it. I'm doing that quite frequently, I find. Where in the past, I would just go "eh" and leave it. Then these "specks" build up and I soon find myself with a dirty shower, or toilet or floor. It's interesting how my mind has embraced cleanliness, although I have been letting it slide a bit lately, so it's not nearly as maniacal and obsessed as it was before when I cleaned the entire house top to bottom a few months ago.

For her, really. But for me too.

I'm tired of the way I was.

I want to be a better human being.

But, life makes it tough. Especially in a world like this, where the latest Star Wars rips off ideas from a New Hope and introduces "diversity" and plays it so ridiculously safe that it has no passion in it. No art. It's just cookie cutter formulaic paint-by-the-numbers just like a lot of other things out there are. Everybody is too scared of offending someone else. Or not being "inclusive" enough. Or being branded a racist, or misogynist or homophobic, or transphobic. 

Or whatever.

I'm sad to see how everything all is.

Bees are now an endangered species. There are no cool toys or cartoons for kids anymore. Nobody reads the newspaper and now it's gotten so thin on content and depressing, that I can't even read it cover to cover like I used to. I have to skim it. And the comics.. the comics were the one thing I loved most about the paper as a kid, every Saturday was a big comic pullout and now..

A single page. And none of them are funny.

No Garfield. No Far Side. No Calvin & Hobbes. No Family Circus, even.

(sighs)

I don't have much time. I have to leave in 20 minutes.

I hope it won't be a bad shift.

Got to have faith.

New World Symphony

Still sick. Played Xcom 2 for most of the night, up until now and I had to turn off the console in disgust. It's ridiculously hard even on the default difficulty, and I'm not going to be tip-toeing my way hitting the overwatch button every turn. Hell with that. And it's not even that good of a sequel. The story is bland, the setting is uninspired, and I miss the classic farmer's field at night with wheat and sectoids hiding in the shadows.

They really missed the point of what made the original so good. But yet, I still keep playing. Mainly for how awesome the kill animations are, but it's still too frustrating to be fun. Oh well.

Laying in bed right now, watching my red laser dance on the ceiling and I'm still happy with how dad's bed is looking.

And those Philip Hue bulbs.. (fans self) .. really sets the mood. And that emoji pillow, and Nic Cage.. Well, it's quite a scene.

Too bad I don't have anyone I'd like to share it with.

Before I go "woe is me" in this entry, I need to confess that I know I sound crazy with the way I talk about Georgina. But I do love her. She did change me. Those two statements are irrefutable facts.

So, all night I was struggling. Had a few "oh God" moments while playing the game, but I experimented with the idea of letting her go, which I think is the next thing I need to be doing.

I can't win her back. Not from where I am. Not now. Nothing I can say or do will ever convince her that I'm willing to give her my everything.

And, I have to accept that.

But.. there is one way. And its such a stupid idea, but the only way she'd ever contact me again, is maybe if I finish writing my novel. Maybe if it gets published, and it's good, she'll comment on it.

That's.. really all I've got, as far as hope goes.

I pay a lot of attention to how my mind works, and I noticed earlier that whenever I had a "oh God" moment or if I start thinking of some other guy being with Gina, or.. (sighs) whatever else that gets me flinching; I noticed that there is a kind of tranquility in me that is operating behind the scenes. I can't arrest it when I place focus on it, but I do notice in the peripherals that it's the easiest, most stress-free thing I can do right now.

Just let her go. Slowly. Gently.

And everything will be okay.

That's.. the feeling that gently speaks to me out from the depths. Just let her go..

Let her go.

It's.. a scary thought to entertain. Letting her go. But..

I'm..

(sighs)

I really don't want to. But I realize I have no choice. I can't change her mind. I can't make her see how sincere I am. I can't make her fall in love with me, or fall back into "infatuation" with me.

It's..

Done.

And I should never let a woman affect me like this, but I now understand what it is like to grieve, and I'm ashamed that I've grieved less over my father, than I did with her.

I can't help who I am, and what I want.

I need to live a life where I can be proud of myself for who I am.

I need to work on myself, before I'm ready to be in a serious relationship.

I can't keep pining like this.

If we were meant to be, than we would be. My "soulmate" wouldn't have broken up with me through text like she did, or refuse to answer my messages, or reply to my email.

Or to throw away my cd.

My soulmate..

(sighs)

She's my girl.

But I can't have her. And she doesn't want me. She doesn't love me.

So that's that.

No scarecrows at the end of the month. No reminders to her that I still think of her.

I've already embarrassed myself enough.

But..

Why does it have to be like this?

Why did it end the way it did?

I remember one of the things I said to her on the phone, the last time we chatted,

"It doesn't have to be this way!"

"Yes it does!"

I don't understand it. I don't know how.. why...

She won't tell me anything. She didn't .. she broke up without warning. Without the courtesy of telling me what the reasons really were.

So I have to guess at them.

I'm just not good enough for her.

I was a shitty boyfriend.

I don't deserve the respect of being broken up with in person.

And.. it burns me to know, that her ex Dustin; managed to get back together with her after leaving a note on her windshield (years ago, when they broke up) and I can't .. do anything similar.

I can't compete with an angry sociopathic alcoholic, it seems. One that she had two children with.

And who she's been with for a few years.

And Gina couldn't make it to the six month mark with me.

So..

That really hurts.

And.. I need to accept that even after all this, I'm still worthwhile. I'm still a good person. I know myself to be. I've had many people say it. Strangers. Even a police officer.

I still remember that moment, years ago. For no reason, Constable Greenwood called me a "good man".

And all I did was talk about movies/tv shows/music and made a few jokes with other people in the room.

I..

I deserve better than to be with someone who gives up so easily. Who..

(sighs)

Who doesn't seem to really have any empathy, now that I think about it.

And who I didn't really enjoy kissing.. compared to other girls I've been with.

So..

She's.. Gina is the reason the relationship ended.

Not me.

Gina ignored my messages.

And yet.. I have my share of the blame in this as well.

So..

I guess we're both losers.

And.. I've done my part. I've done enough after the breakup to show her what my true feelings were.

And she ignored them.

So..

I've made another hypocrite. That's what I've noticed in most of my relationships.. I turn women into hypocrites. And in this case, Gina did not want "love" as she initially claimed.

She wants.. Something easy, I suppose.

Someone simple.

Not.. this complex mess that makes up my personality.

I have too .. I'm too.. I'm difficult to really get to understand.

If I don't trust someone, if I feel afraid of having my trust violated or can sense a good possibility of it happening; then I don't share the whole of who I am with them. I just give them the parts that I don't mind having on display.

My heart.. Well.. That thing is locked up, right now.

(sighs)

As it needs to be. Until I'm ready.

I wish I could.. just be myself...

And be accepted.

And not have to apologize.

And not have to be so weird. And constantly thinking about things. And reading about spirituality and self-improvement and .. trying... trying to make something of myself.

Instead, I keep.. getting hung up on the idea of needing a relationship before I can get to where I need to go.

But.. maybe I've been doing it wrong.

I should..

I don't know what I should be doing yet.

But.. I'm going to write a list. It'll have all the things I want on there.

An acreage.

A dog.

A loving wife.

Kids.

Money.

A published book.

Normal hearing.

A good looking body

...

And then..

I should do whatever I can, to make these things happen.

Because, as much faith as I have in God, I don't have nearly as much faith in myself.

And that has to change.

I can't delegate my wants and needs to some invisible being or angels in the clouds.

I have to take charge of my life, and shoulder the responsibility of doing so.

My dad would be embarrassed had he known how hung up I am/was with Gina.

He.. didn't find love.. so, how would he know. But.. He was a role model for who I'd like to be, with my kids someday. Not exactly like him, but the best parts of him. His sensitivity. His intelligence. His simplicity, and his complexity.

His secrets.

My dad was quite a guy.

I hope that someday, someone will say the same about me.

My son, particularly. Or sons. Or kids.

Daughter.

That's one other thing, Gina doesn't want any more kids. And she's 36. So, she's done with having them.

... I need to find someone who does.

(sighs) ..

My life isn't over, yet.

My heart has taken a beating.. is taking a beating..

But I'm going to stand tall.

Make myself proud.

And stay true to who I am, and who I want to be.

It won't be easy.

But its all about the journey, not the destination.

I have to accept that.

And I have to believe I can do it.

So..

I don't know how to end this blog post.. heh. Just rambling along...

My girl... baby doll... Carolyn. Georgina.

...

You...

Yeah.

You ended things.

And I'm crazy for..

(sighs) ..

My thoughts are changing on a dime here.. faster than I can type.

I'm crazy for wanting someone, who does not love me.

And does not respect me,

And gives up easily.

Without warning.

So.. yeah.

Other than those things. She was nearly perfect.

But...

If there's one Gina out there...

Then, there might be others.

Somehow, I doubt it.

But I'm always willing to be surprised.

...

(sighs) ...

This is not going to be easy.

Grace Beneath The Pines

No more backing down, you'll see
Whatever lies in store for me
I'll get through it

There'll be no more going half the way
You'd better listen to these words I say
Whatever ties they bound to me
I'll cut through them

Now I found some
Grace beneath the judge's gavel
Grace among my brothers on the firing line
Grace upon this road less traveled
Grace beneath the pines, the pines
Grace beneath the pines

There'll be no more running round for me
No more going down, you'll see
The line is drawn; my enemy
Better stay behind it

There'll be no more lifting half the weight
My will is strong, my back is straight
Whatever lies they told to me
I'll see through them

Now I found some
Grace beneath the judge's gavel
Grace among my brothers on the firing line
Grace upon this road less traveled
Grace beneath the pines, the pines
Grace beneath the pines

There'll be no more running round for me
No more going down, you'll see
I'll get through this

Now I found some
Grace beneath the judge's gavel
Grace among my brothers on the firing line
Grace upon this road less traveled
Grace beneath the pines, the pines
Grace beneath the pines

Felt the compulsion to play this particular song soon after I woke up and started thinking of her again.

She's my girl.

I'm convinced. It's been so many months of feeling like this and now it's October and I'm still waking up in the morning thinking about her. She just pops inside my head.

I love her. I need her. I can't stand being apart like this.

I miss her crooked smile, the same smile I have. I miss her heart, a heart as big as mine only not as afraid to share it.

I miss..

It doesn't matter what I miss.

She's there, and I'm here.

We are both alone and wanting the same thing. Only she doesn't think I can offer it to her. And I can't think of any way to convince her that I can. And that I will.

I don't want to end up on my deathbed with her name on my lips. Unless she's right there with me, holding my hand.

I can't do a goddamn thing about this.

It's all faith from here on out.

But, faith in what? Getting her back? Should I be (possibly) deluding myself that such a thing could happen? Will she ever write me an email or show up at my doorstep, or call me at some point in the future?

I don't know, but that is where my faith has to be placed. I can't contact her. I can't do anything but wait.

And I can't let her go, in the meantime.

Not until I know for sure that she is not the right girl for me.

But, she is.

All the little things I remember about her, makes me believe it.

The way she didn't want to say anything when they got her order wrong at McDonald's and I offered to fix it.

The way she would look at me sometimes.

The nice things she's done for me. The little surprises.

The way she hugged me when I told her my father passed away.

Her heart is as big as mine.

But...

I couldn't bring myself to believing it enough. It was too surreal. Too unexpected.

I've been hurt countless times, for so many years, by dozens of cruel and immature people.

I couldn't throw caution to the wind and show her what she wanted most to see. I'm too ashamed of how vulnerable and... naive I am.

I still remember the night when we first met. It was cold. Dark. Snow was on the ground, and I arrived at Slice without any expectations. I planned on seeing Gyngie after, and didn't think anything would happen with us. Despite how well our online conversations were going.

When she pulled up next to my car, I gave her a silly smile and a wave.

She did the same.

And then those paper flowers she made me. That I joked about...

And how she trusted me enough after, to invite me to her place.

"David, would you like to come to my place?"

I could only shyly nod.

...

She's.. Me. She's my other half.

Fuck, man...

I'm probably completely out of her mind at this point. Everything I've given her, is likely in the trash. My cds. My chapters. That frog I gave her. That Easter bunny.

Probably my pictures. Maybe even the texts and emails.

I'm sure she occasionally thinks of me, but.. I'm scared to know what it could be about.

(sighs)

I'm supposed to have faith.

But, in what? In her?

Faith in her coming back? Or faith in someone better than her who will come along and make me realize how stupid I was for obsessing over Gina?

I don't know what I should be believing in right now.

Maybe.. Maybe this is a test.

Maybe true love waits.

But..

(sighs)

It's so hard for me to be patient.

I suppose that's another test.

Patience and faith.

It's all I can do.

Whatever lies in store for me, I'll get through it.

I always do.

Maybe someday, I'll find grace beneath the pines.