The Cards

Deliverance and Renewal.

Still waiting.

Last night I had the urge to draw 3 Tarot cards and they were as follows:

1) Four of Pentacles (reversed) - Over-spending, greed, self-protection

2) Ten of Pentacles - Wealth, financial security, long-term success, contribution

3) The Tower Card - Sudden change, upheaval, chaos, revelation, awakening

I interpreted the first card to mean the past, the second to mean the (upcoming) present and the last one being tied to the second which would naturally follow should an unexpected surprise comes my way.

I haven't really put a lot of faith into the Tarot but there were times when it made perfect sense to me. 

When I used to visit Tina the flea market psychic for a reading, I wanted to know about my ex. I drew one card which was the 3 of Swords which had a picture of a heart being stabbed with three swords. Very obvious. I later drew this same card again and when that surprised me, I remembered drawing a card before I went to see Tina and...

It was the Three of Swords also.

In my soul I knew not to be in that relationship and had these signs but didn't quite take them seriously enough. I didn't want to act on cards and deep down I knew I would be exiting the relationship which I did multiple times only to keep getting drawn back in.

Perhaps I should have listened and taken it seriously.

Which is why the above 3 cards are encouraging but... has not occurred yet. 

Time is fast running out. April 2024. I don't see the point of going any further beyond that date if I cannot resolve my financial situation by then. I know that getting into the 9-5 grind is NOT in the cards (pun intended) and will not get me to where I need to be.

So yes, an exceptional event is necessary.

I find it interesting that the Bible speaks out against divination but I also know that the Bible has been corrupted in places. I think these cards could be more like a means for the subconscious to communicate through or a higher self/greater intelligence. 

We will see what happens.

Today was uneventful as usual. Trying to find a private spot in this city is futile. I had a vehicle drive right up to me with its headlights in my eyes for no reason whatsoever as it then circled and slowly drove off. Its easy to feel like I was targeted and appraised whenever I see stuff like that. 

There was a beautiful full moon tonight and I sat across from it having all these cars drive towards me and people walking by, etc. No privacy there either but I did send my intentions out to that white orb in the sky. 

I know I cannot keep going on like this. There is no building up of energy that can be done under these conditions. I need my sacred place. My privacy. My freedom and independence.

It truly will be a miracle to get out from under all this. It would be quite the hero's journey to find my path again and to move forward from where I am now.

Again, a 9-5 will not cut it. It has to be stupendous and bombastic and strikes like lightning.

I know what I want. Karlee next to me on the beach, dinner with Max, poker with Jeff, playing with Lucy, coffee with Lena, a big cheque... all of these things.

I'm not sure what is going to happen from here until April. There is no real action I can take. 

Encouraged by the cards, I decided to try an online version and it twice gave me the last card as being the one that demanded patience. 

Which is all I can be at the moment.

But time is running out. The housing crisis is spiraling out of control and I understand why it was engineered this way. So that those who want homes will have no choice but to rent and cannot afford to buy on their own.

And here in the city there is a rental company with hundreds of units under its belt. It bought out all of these properties including apartments and townhomes and has a foreign management staff running the show.

What is happening in this world is despicable. The social contract has been broken. The middle class is being attacked. Younger adults no longer have the dream of home ownership given these kind of prices.

All according to plan.

So... if the video game we are all in is set on the hardest difficulty level and is glitching, why bother playing it anymore? It is no longer "fun" and it certainly is not "fair" ...

I know my situation isn't as bad as others but I feel deeply in my bones that I've yet to realize my purpose in these times and that I will contribute a great deal.

"You will change the world"

"God has a special plan for you"

Okay. I'm ready to begin my work.

Let's get started.

ASAP.

Deliverance & Renewal

Strange energy I'm feeling tonight. Even Princess is behaving differently around me. She's sitting next to my lap and purring loudly even though I am not petting her.

The day was the same thing over again. On my phone from the time I got up, checking up on the news in Acapulco and other places and then went to sit in the park in my Jeep for a few hours. Listened to a podcast on the disappearance of the plane from 9 years ago, watched a video on Gnosticism and escaping into the higher realms and Karlee just texted me a few minutes ago asking how I was doing.

My heart is heavy. But there is a warm... presence in my chest right now. I think that's good although I don't know what it is or what to do with it.

But maybe that's why I'm here on the blog writing. Just needed to get a few things out there.

I'm pretty tired. Weary but not entirely aimless. I am still going over in my head the list of things that I want in my life and said a prayer out loud earlier.

I look at Princess and I feel sad. If only I was in my old home. She would've loved to be there with me. She did love being there with me the few times I looked after her. That huge yard would have been such a joy for her to play in and explore.

Here is nothing. She meowed in distress about an hour ago and made gagging motions as if she was going to vomit. Nothing came out except some saliva but I couldn't help but think it's probably because of the garbage food my mom feeds her. The cheapest stuff on the market. She does not give her fresh food each morning but lets it sit there and then puts "fresh" food on top of the old. Oftentimes the bag of cat food isn't sealed so it loses its flavor and could get mold or other toxins inside. The cat treats she has is inside of an open jar and is exposed. 

I am reminded of my stepdad Chris and how he did the same thing with the 5 cats they had before. Fed them shitty food, didn't seal it properly, constantly smoked around them inside the house and almost every cat was obese and died prematurely.

It bothers me so much. I just want to rescue Princess, take her with me onto an acreage or inside of a fenced yard with grass and let her enjoy herself. Buy her good food even if it costs a little bit extra and trim her coat as it needs to be in the spring so she doesn't shed and get overheated.

My mother and my stepdad don't have real empathy or understanding within themselves. For years I've complained about how they fed their cats and didn't give them the best care. I am reminded myself of how for over a decade I felt like there was something wrong with food that my mother cooked and prepared due to her lack of cleanliness and her carelessness. I'm sure in her mind that she thinks she is a great cook and that she is... a really good and moral person.

But... This is what most people see when they don't spend enough time with her. "Your mom is so nice!" Justin once told me and... if he lived with her for a month, he would start to see the... issues she has with herself.

I am not here to judge but there is something wrong with her. Something dark. On the outside is one thing but... What kind of woman would choose to stay with an abusive partner who once swore at a six year old child using the F word? Or a man who pulled a knife on me? A man who threw a cue ball at another guy in a bar? A man who... I don't want to get into it. Could type a novel on how much of a... 

Sighs. I don't want to talk negative about either of them or really any one at all. Including my ex.

But I do feel that energy/sensation in my chest right now. In the past it often preceded a woman coming into my life. As if I was being readied to meet them. I don't think that is happening right now unless I am simply feeling what Karlee is sending me as she texted minutes ago.

My stomach is gurgling chaotically. It happened after I had a couple bites of my mother's "apple cake" which I'm sure there's something wrong with. Old flour, dirty hands, energetically tainted or whatever the issue is. Something is not agreeing with me. 

I remember more than ten years ago I was aware of something being wrong with her cooking. There was a photo taken of the dinner table at Christmas where I was with my cousin and I was in in mid-bite. I looked like I was being... Well, I looked unhappy eating and so did the people at the table. Unsmiling and forcing themselves to eat.

In Reiki, they say you can bless your food by touching it and sending a positive vibe. I believe the opposite can be true. My mother likes to frequently touch food with her bare hands regardless of how dirty her hands are. If she eats pasta or anything with tomato sauce, there's a good chance she will stain her clothes. 

In my last post I mentioned how she used this disgusting dirty kitchen rag to dry her hands after using it to wipe off the grease from the oventop. This is the extent of her thoughtfulness. 

And living with her is like she's putting out this frequency that I don't want to tune into but am affected by regardless. She often comes downstairs while I'm on the couch and does stuff which causes this bubbling of resentment within me. Whether she's causing the dishes to clatter in the kitchen or burps and yawns and farts without thinking... It's like this energetic intrusion that I cannot remove myself from. This unwanted radio frequency that gets put out and reminds me that I'm not allowed privacy or to be alone with my thoughts. She will see me with headphones on listening to a video and will start talking to me about something banal, not caring if I'm busy and ignoring her.

I'm sure she thinks she's a good person but... her frequency is dissonance. I cannot stand to be around her for long periods at a time and unfortunately that is why I often leave the house to get away from it. 

But even when I do, I can't find privacy anyways. Always a car going by with the driver looking at me and making eye contact. Always a pedestrian or a homeless person. 

This truly needs to change. Every day is exactly the same as the last.

I am scratching myself from possible mold contamination, my stomach is gurgling, I feel acidic and I'm constantly smoking cigarettes. Resenting this place completely.

My eyes darted to the clock. 11:11pm it says.

Reminds me of my ex who would constantly point it out.

I hope I'm on the right path and that God has a special plan for me.

But like I mentioned in my last post. Time is running out.

Deliverance and renewal.

I want to help the world but I first need to be helped. 

I need to be restored and made whole.

I can't do it in this place. I need to leave. I need a sanctuary. I need independence and privacy.

I need my true home.

I await the signal.

Divine Nature

 It's been... three years of constant learning about what is going on in the world, how it works and who it is controlled by.

I'm reaching conclusions. My skeptical mind has been collecting all of these pieces and fitting them together in a grand tapestry that shows the bigger picture.

Looking back at my life and the strange experiences I've had, I realize I have been a targeted individual. The first and most obvious incident being where I met the "dark man in the hat" who was... in an strangely marked police car, looked like the smoking man from Xfiles and had an interest in me around the year... 2013 I believe.

It's a long story but at that time, I acted erratically on purpose and I think I drew the wrong set of eyes upon me. 

The man looked... inhuman but resembled one. He was out of place too, driving a model of police car that I did not ever see in Fort Saskatchewan in the 12 years I lived there.

The incident at the hotel a few years ago in St Paul where it felt like I was being blasted by radiation waves inside the room EXCEPT for a small spot in the bathroom was extremely revealing. There was a deep intermittent humming coming from below me. Upon later investigation, I discovered I was directly above a conference room where a bunch of indigenous people were having some kind of gathering. It looked like a birthday party but I saw a strange metallic object sitting on the table and the participants all turned to looked at me when I walked past.

I realize this makes me sound paranoid but I have a skeptical mind to begin with and it took me a while to accept what my intuition was screaming at me.

It made sense why my ex arrived when she did and why my heart chakra lit up prior to meeting her. It made sense why one day standing in my bedroom I was hit with a wave of lust for no reason whatsoever. My chakras were being manipulated/stimulated from afar.

I now know why certain people have been placed in my life. To retard my spiritual progress. To keep me from going into an unpredictable direction that would cause problems for the "system".

No wonder my mother was excited for me to be living with her. No wonder she didn't protest at me wanting to sell the house.

No wonder.

This is a spiritual war we are in. There are dark entities among us who look like humans. There are also angels among us. People filled with energy and light and goodness.

And there are those of us caught in the middle. Being pulled both ways.

I am putting pieces together but I am concerned about getting out of the hole that I am in. I've learned the lessons and figured out what to watch for. But now I am in a terrible place to act from. I cannot recover in this environment living with my mother. I cannot resume my spiritual progress in this prison that I am in.

Scratching my head and face constantly due to how itchy I feel. Waking up in the mornings with nothing to look forward to except more learning, more media consumption and more thinking.

And no privacy. Constant interruptions.

All by design I'm sure.

Deliverance and renewal. Father and Mother. 

I continue to wait for the signal to begin moving forward with what you both wish for me to do.

I can achieve great things for us. For humanity to move forward.

After all I've gone through, I now understand the importance of money and the necessity of balancing my head with my heart. To avoid the wrong type of people and to not think they can somehow be reformed or changed into better people. 

I am ready to be a conduit for good. I am miserable and lonely and broke right now but that makes me capable of understanding how this fallen state feels and I want no further part of it.

I am ready to put in the work.

If you will find me worthy.

Allow me the opportunity to prove myself.

And I will take us far.

Signs

Second update. It's not much but I needed to get some stuff off of my chest.

I made hamburgers earlier on the frying pan which caused some grease to show up on the oven. My mother comes down, grabs a disgusting old dish towel that was hanging on the oven door and wipes it clean. Places the cloth back in a bunched up position, washes her hands and then dries it on the same towel.

Do you see what is wrong with this picture?

Can you see how I silently suffer? How I hold my tongue at the grease on the handrails of the stairs, on the light switches and knowing that my mother is unclean and admits to it?

Not only that but earlier she was in the basement moving my blankets around while I was gone and told me she smelled mold. I am not surprised. That explains my itching scalp and body.

In her infinite wisdom, she figured putting a blanket under the mattress would "help" the problem.

I'm done with this place. I am so done.

Can't live here. Not for years, hardly can stand it for months. Weeks.

Days.

This has invited much soul searching. Trying to figure out why I have been betrayed and led astray in all the events that lead up to losing my home. My sanctuary.

Still doing the manifesting. I don't have anything else I can do. I don't know what else there is.

Getting a job isn't going to solve anything. Getting a government handout isn't going to help much either.

Time is not on my side here.

Gaza is getting bombed terribly right now. People are without water. Countless families are grieving and suffering in ways we cannot imagine.

But my grief and suffering is not to be marginalized or compared.

I am not seeing the point of being here any longer. I await the signal and for how long I can wait, I do not know.

But maybe I should set a date.

April 2024. 

That's about all I can do. Make it to that date and then...

Well...

There's no point to going on after that.

I am willing to give myself over to the powers that serve good in this world. To do as asked. To be a vehicle for these intelligences that want humanity to succeed and progress forward.

In exchange... I need that signal.

I need that sign.

I was thinking, if my mom passed away tomorrow I would not know what to do. I wouldn't want to continue living here anyways. I would not know what to do with Princess. She deserves to be in a home with a lush green lawn for her to walk on. Not tiles. 

I miss my old place.

And I am mindful of Pastor Len's words.

And the words of the lady at the Airbnb.

If I am to serve a purpose in this life, I am ready to begin it.

I refuse to acclimatize to this dystopian reality our society is fast becoming.

I want to make a difference. I WILL make that difference.

Should the holy mother and father harken onto these words.

I'll be honest, my faith has taken a big hit. The more I study, the less sure I am of certain things. 

Which is why I need that signal.

To set me on my way.

Deliverance and renewal.

Karlee on a beach.

Poker with Berwick, dinner with Max, coffee with Lena.

Meeting Lucy, Tyler and Christ.

The green Jeep will take me to America.  The book and the shirt are part of the signs I need to see in order to become certain of my path and purpose.

Reside in Mexico.

Own my own home with a tire swing hanging from a big old oak tree in the backyard where the porch is.

Curing Karlee of T1. Publishing a book. Millions in the bank.

Becoming strong and fit.

With new hearing aids. A Polish passport. 

Meeting a sloth, dolphin, koala bear and having a golden retriever as a pet.

I am ready Father and Mother.

Harken onto these words.

There's not much time left.

I don't know what to do.

Male/Female Dynamics

There are some mornings when I wake up and find myself wrestling with an epiphany.

Today it was on the subject of harmony/balance and male/female relations.

The epiphany wasn't entirely new but it was articulated in a way that was more indisputable.

It started with the idea of the holy trinity. Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. What I was realizing is that the Bible has been corrupted and for the longest time I knew it was Father, Mother and Child. When we make the sign of the cross, Father is tapping the forehead (mind, logic, reason, intellect, drive, motivation, will, ambition, active, masculine), when we tap the chest and call it "Son" we are incorrect. We are tapping into the heart which is Mother (heart, intuition, wisdom, nurturing, creativity, inspiration, receptivity, connection, feminine), when we tap both shoulders it is also not the Holy Spirit we are acknowledging. It is the totality/harmony of the male/female mother/father left brain/right brain. 

So the TRUE trinity is Father, Mother and Child or the result of the Father/Mother. The product.

This is the key of Creation that has been obfuscated from most religions. The mixture of the Yin and the Yang, of the left brain and the right, the positive and the negative polarities. Sophia, the goddess of wisdom. Mother Earth.

This profound equation is the secret of self-actualization. Corrupted by the church but easily understood when you replace the Holy Spirit and the Son with the correct terminology/archetypes.

There is a reason why the Church diminished the role of women in the religion. The Creator, The Created and the Womb of Creation. 

The Cathars knew this of course, which is why they were among the first to be exterminated during the Inquisition. A strange group to target given that they were Gnostic Christians and believed in Christ. They did not believe in a church and held worship outdoors. They treated women as equal. They believed that sex wasn't bad but procreation was (because to bring another soul into this world is to produce another slave for the system to corrupt and feed off of).

They knew the secrets the Roman Catholic church wished to keep from us.

In thinking about this while laying in bed, it made more sense as to what our respective roles are in terms of gender. Women are the inspiration of many men while men are the driving force forward. 

We can think of men as cars and women as fuel. We cannot have one without the other if we aim to achieve our fullest potential and achieve balance in terms of energy polarity. While many men are single and successful and so are women, this is not the natural order of how we were originally wired to be. The hunter/gatherer model presumes the man to collect difficult to obtain resources while the woman would stay behind and nurture a child or to be involved in community building, cooking, cleaning, etc.

The female energy is intuitive and aims for an elevation of spirit whereas the masculine energy is more in the intellect and the strength from which is often derived from the woman which creates a kind of feedback loop. The woman inspires the man to drive forward and rewards him for his successes, encouraging him along the way. To aim higher. And in exchange, the man allows the woman to tap into her nurturing/intuitive nature ever more deeper by protecting and providing for her. The end result is a balancing where the man takes on qualities of the woman and the woman takes on aspects of the man. Achieving synergy.

A big part of the reason why gender relations have been falling apart is the introduction of women to the workplace. Now they compete with men, therefore negating the "need" for men to be involved. This is why we are currently seeing a denigration of family values in our culture. The surest way to upset the apple cart and damage human relations is to reverse the role of men and women and confuse them with religion and progressive ideology.

It has always worked best when we were hunter/gatherers and one man provided for his family.

This however is contingent on respect for one another and an understanding of what each brings to the table.

Looking back on my past relationships, I understood why most of the women I've dated have been wrong for me. Few of them inspired me to do great things and those that did, did not reciprocate or reward me for my efforts. They also did not share my vision, which is also important for a male/female dynamic.

With my ex I wanted to live in the country on an acreage. She wanted the city life. Competing visions.

We had disagreements on almost everything. Competing values.

She focused more on her "career" rather than the relationship which was against her feminine nature.

She would not defer to a leader and did not act to improve the relationship. Instead, as her masculine expression grew over time, I was then moved more into the feminine role because there was a vacuum that was not being filled. A hole in the relationship. 

She neglected her role and later, so did I.

No wonder it was so contentious between us. However, even role reversal works if both partners are sincere and respectful about it. A man can express and channel feminine energy while the woman does the opposite. Balance can be achieved. But in my particular case, I didn't want to to be the woman in the relationship. Was I in tune with my feminine side? Yes. But I did not want that to be my dominant expression.

When thinking about all this, it really comes down to balance. Single or in a relationship or married makes no difference. Polarities can be more readily balanced with the right two people being involved but it also can be achieved on an individual level.

The feminine rewards the masculine and the masculine is inspired to act due to the reward. Whether it is sex, loyalty or respect being earned, the end product should be balance and love between both.

It is a shame when I look at the world and see single moms juggling between both polarities of having to provide for their children and to express the feminine side of themselves.

Which is why there are so few feminine women in modern western society. We can blame a number of factors including false female "empowerment" due to progressive ideology as well as the economic necessity of having to make money enough for them to survive and thrive in a life where the loyalty and commitment of a man is not easily had.

We can say the same for men as well when they are consumed by video games and making enough money to get by without any real ambitions in mind or interest in achieving their greatest potential.

I remember well that it took over a year for my ex to ask me about what I was writing. Writing a book was on my mind for such a long time and prior to meeting her I was making progress in achieving that dream. Once she arrived however, constant texts/calls and visits distracted me from my purpose of which she had no interest in and did not attempt to encourage the realization of.

This is why it is so important for both sexes to know their roles in this world and to find a partner that complements their weaknesses. Which is actually what my ex and I had. Sadly, she did not see what I was seeing in terms of the importance of the relationship and did not share my vision.

So it collapsed into anger and resentment. Unsurprisingly given how more masculine she was becoming over time. Shifting the balance and forcing me to become more feminine as a result.

Which of course would make any man angry. Yet, my ex was the model for modern woman. Signing her emails with pronouns, supporting "defunding the police" and basically getting on board with the mainstream brainwashing of empowerment and girl power. Cursing the "patriarchy" for its sins when the reverse is true, as the gender of the most valuable contributors in human history has predominantly been men. This does NOT mean that women cannot and should not achieve the same, but it points to the clear fact that men are physically stronger, more intellectual, more ambitious and better equipped at achieving professional and material success.

"Behind every great man is a woman."

The crime perpetrated upon society at this moment is a deep deception and obfuscation of Truth. There is a reason why the family unit is being dismantled the way it is and why divide and conquer tactics have been so effective.

We used to be bonded by Christian values in the West. Any form of nudity on the television or cursing or inappropriate material was swiftly called out and complained about. No longer. Porn is freely available and many shows on Netflix have elements of depravity (rape scenes in Game of Thrones, sexualizing young children, profanity, etc) and a denigration of male role models with females taking the traditional role away from men by being superheroes that can do everything and more better than a man can. In no better way is this disconnect showcased than the Mad Max movie with Charlize Theron's character helping Max fire a sniper rifle because he was too incompetent to do it himself. Most of the movie features Charlize Theron kicking butt and knowing what to do while Max bumbles around like an inconvenient prop getting in the way.

This is done on purpose as we know. It is not about empowering women, it is about reducing the effectiveness of men and taking away their strength. It is about damaging relations between both.

When we look up at the sky, we see the dance of polarities. The sun is the positive active force of the day while the moon is the passive negative luminary of the night. This is why the sun can cure and preserve food while moonlight decays and decomposes. Each has their purpose and balance. One cannot exist without the other.

We live in a system of duality. Good and evil, light and dark, male and female. When "society" has up meaning down and right being wrong; we corrupt the polarity, disrupt balance and invite in chaos. This is what is happening right now. Especially with transgenderism being encouraged and the terrible concessions women in positions of power are making due to the weaponization of their compassion. This is why we have ESG and DEI and drag queen story time hour and pronouns being shoved down the throats of everyone.

Where men are logical and level-headed, women are a vortex of ever-changing ideas.

These are dark times and many are ignorant about what is occurring. They are ignorant about solutions as well. When a woman chases after her "ideal" man who has to be wealthy, tall and handsome; they are doing so without bringing anything of value to the table other than entitlement while many men are shoved off to the side or mistreated, causing them to develop misogynist tendencies which can involve the mistreatment of the women they get involved with and thinking of them as little other than sex objects to be manipulated.

Porn today has no expressions of love in it. The sacred act of sex has been reduced to a recreational hobby rather than a fusing of opposites in search of harmony and balance. 

I myself confess to making some of these mistakes in my experiences with women. Some of the relationships I was in I didn't see much value from women other than their ability to provide sex.  Only a rare few were interested in encouraging me to express my masculine side and in those relationships, I didn't have much attraction to them. Not physically, not intellectually or emotionally. 

But as I think about all this, I become more aware of what my role is and the role of women should be. It may be like finding a needle in a haystack to have a single woman without children who is interested in a committed relationship where we are both elevated and are both celebrated in our respective roles/polarities.

That is the dense secret behind the holy trinity. 

Father, Mother, Child. Creator, the womb of Creation and the Created. The result. The balance and synthesis of both.

If only more of us knew.

Collective Dream

 I don't know what that shift meant for me yesterday but it would have coincided close to the horrible hurricane that landed in Acapulco, Mexico last night. It went from a "tropical storm" to category 5 in hours, surprising the million+ residents late in the evening. Scenes from the city are horrendous and looked like a bomb went off. Palm trees broken off, power lines on the street and there are no numbers of casualties reported yet but I can only guess hundreds may have died. 

The more I look into this world, the less I am liking it. Not for many of the people on the planet but because of the selected few who are running this clown show. 

The social contract has been broken. The reason why I segued into this is because hurricane Otis did not look like a natural storm. I realize there's no evidence for it being man-made at the moment but I am recalling the Canadian wildfires, the Argentina wildfires, the fires in Spain, the earthquake in Turkey, the flooding in Pakistan, what happened in Lahaina, Maui and a host of other weather events that have been dramatic and worldwide.

The "climate change" narrative... I don't even want to get into it.

Today was again more of the same. It's colder outside and I don't enjoy running my vehicle to keep it warm as I sit and listen to podcasts but...

It's better than being at home. Which I can hardly see it as such. It's not my home, it's where I currently live.

Call it whatever. 

My prison.

I was thinking about manifesting, simulation theory and the law of attraction today going over moments in my head when miracles happened in my life. I am having a hard time connecting what manifestation was successful and the method/means used. Not all of the strange incidents in my life were consciously asked for or visualized. Two of them for sure was. 

 How I found my ex in a park that was 45 minutes away after hearing the words "Jackie Parker" in my mind.

How the star projector I wanted was too expensive ($200) and then shows up at a thrift shop a week later for $15.

How I had my first girlfriend through the use of a blood ritual that worked in less than 4 days.

The way I'd bump into people I know across great distances. 

The warm feeling in my heart prior to *something* happening.

There are... so many pieces of the puzzle that feels disconnected from one another but I'm certain there is a way to fit them into one picture.

Simulation theory... but, if this is a collective dream and I am dreaming my own dream.. well...

I want a better life than this.

Last night I looked again at places to move to. Spain, Uruguay, Vanuatu close by Australia and I couldn't really settle on anything. Assuming I had the money to be able to move and live in those locations.

I think of my list and I know that a road trip to America is in the cards for sure. I also know I would have to go to Australia at some point. Perhaps even Poland.

Once I get millions of dollars in my bank account.

And there's not much time left for that to happen.

It needs to happen soon.

It needed to happen awhile ago.

I can't imagine getting a job again. Still living with my mother. What joy is there to live a life like that?

Even if I were to move to a nice place like Mexico, what would I be doing to occupy my day with? Just sit on the beach? Read books? Play video games?

I have a feeling that I am meant to do something much more. Some form of activism. Something to do with Jeff Berwick.

Which is why I was following the situation in Acapulco so closely. Max Igan lives there and fortunately is in Austin, Texas due to return on Friday. I am curious to know what his home and the secret garden is looking like.

I think Jeff will be okay but Max might not have anything to return to. He doesn't know what is going on either. No communications. No power or water. 

What a terrible situation to be in for those that live there. Especially the impoverished who have nothing but shacks and a corrugated metal roof over their heads.

I feel for them.

But back to activism. I knew in my bones for the longest time that I wanted to make a difference to the world. To people. I want to bring humanity forward. I want to help elevate the collective consciousness.

A decentralized communications app sounds good. Headtwerk sounds great as well.

Wish it didn't all go sideways on me over a year ago. I could've still kept my domain name. Could've traveled to Mexico and met with Jeff last winter. Maybe he would've liked my idea and help fund it.

But... thinking of ideas right now is somewhat pointless. I can't do much with the situation I am in,

My spark has.. diminished. I haven't showered in three days. I feel a little gross. I feel isolated. I feel like I'm running on empty.

My mind goes back to how I once was. I miss that so much.

Making my bed in the morning with the sunrise coming through the window blinds.

Taking a shower. 

Things that I used to take for granted and now cannot so easily do.

Can't invite a woman here so what's the point? Not even interested in one. I can hardly love myself right now let alone another human being.

So...

Is there a special plan for me or not?

Am I going to change the world or not?

Because time is running out and something has to change in a big way.

A big big way.

For the better.

Still buying those lottery tickets because I can't see what else is there to put my hopes towards.

I swung hard on the pendulum and now it's time to swing equally as hard the other way.

Otherwise there's no point to any of this. Watching the world burn on a daily basis. Watching the controllers of the world having their way with us while I stand helplessly by.

I can make a difference. 

These words and just that. 

Words.

But I am at the bottom of it all now. Should millions of dollars come into my possession, it will be tears of gratitude and a resolute affirming of purpose.

And frugality.

I probably wouldn't even get excited at first if my numbers came up. 01, 06, 09, 11, 25, 44.

I would nod my head, sign and photograph my ticket and go through the motions of collecting it.

Then the real work begins.

Which I think starts with a road trip through the states and possibly into Mexico.

A solitary adventure but a mission as well.

I feel it in my bones.

Time is running out.

It has to happen.

Soon.

Shift

 Something was different earlier today. I don't know what it was but it lasted for about two hours and felt like a disturbance in the "force" for lack of a better word. The collective psyche, or reality or my reality... something shifted.

I don't know what else to say. Something is different now. 

I have been affirming the things that I want on my list that I wrote about everyday now. I keep thinking of the good that I can bring into this world but I'm at the very bottom of it all. Financially, mentally, spiritually, physically...

I keep thinking of playing poker with Jeff Berwick and playing with his dog Lucy. Dinner with Max Igan, coffee with Lena, being on a warm sandy beach at night with Karlee, curing Karlee of T1, winning a lottery jackpot, owning a golden retriever, meeting a dolphin a sloth and a koala bear.

A green Jeep wrangler. New hearing aids. Publishing a book.

I knew three years ago that this was a spiritual war. I knew it and prepared for it and it all came crashing down bringing me to my knees. 

Perhaps the spirit of Ahriman had something to do with it.

There are dark forces operating in this world. There was a reason why I was targeted. I didn't expect it to happen but I now know better.

These forces are powerful and not to be taken lightly.

I remember very well what it felt like to have my body taken over and made to go on a spontaneous road trip. I remember how it felt like I was operating on instinct/intuition and not really having time to question what I was doing. Just... being pushed towards certain objectives whether I liked it or not.

There MUST be good in this world. Of the opposite kind. Forces that propel one to new heights. To bring one out of the darkness.

I know there is goodness in this world. I feel it and want to do my part.

I hear the footsteps of my mother above. Dropping things on the floor.

I can't live like this. This is not realizing the fullness of my potential.

I would rather not live at all if I have no means of accomplishing what I came here to do.

That's the honest truth of it. I want to make a meaningful difference. I have tried. Several times.

And things just keep getting in the way of it happening.

I ask for a real chance this time at doing what needs to be done.

For the betterment of myself, my family and others. 

I was told that there was a special plan and that I would change the world.

I want to do that.

And I realize I am up against an invisible enemy that does not want to see it happen.

But there must also be invisible benevolent entities.

Some of whom may be reading these words I type. Some who do see my potential, my willingness to help and to make a difference.

This world needs to change.

There is no time to waste although that is all I have been doing this past year and a half.

Wasting but also waiting.

Waiting for the signal.

I already know what that signal would be.

Once it's received.

It's game on.

Crumbling

 It was a difficult Sunday to get through. The days go by fast when there is no job to go to, nothing to wake up for and no obligations to fulfil.

I had a hard time with myself. I'm trying to manifest a lottery jackpot. Really trying. Trying to connect with God and Yeshua. I cried in my car earlier thinking about how badly I want Jesus to appear in front of me and have a heart to heart conversation with me.

Why does it all feel so purposeless? If there is no God or Jesus or a loving sentient being interested in our spiritual development and growth, why bother with this place? Why are we here?

A part of me understands that we are to use free will to create the reality we desire to have.

Another part of me looks around at my life wondering how it got so screwed up. Every part of it. It is like the life I was living in the past has more or less been erased with little to show for it. \

A teddy bear from when I was six. Some pictures. 

Almost all of my books are gone. My dad's painting. My comics. My CDs and movies and video games.

I am at the bottom of it all. Nothing brings me much pleasure these days. 

Little gives me hope.

All I have at this moment is to will my desired reality into existence. 

That lottery jackpot.

There isn't any time left for it to happen. It needs to happen soon. 

I don't know how am I even going to make my monthly bankruptcy payments.

Days like this is when I want to give up and die. Just leave this place. Not come back. 

History has shown how manipulated humanity is. The dark forces ruling over this place do not care one iota for our spiritual development and evolution. Consciousness is suppressed, technologies are suppressed, lies are everywhere and our food, water and air are deliberately poisoned with toxins and chemicals.

I can't take much more of this. I really can't.

Laying on a thin mattress in my mother's basement. Surrounded by items of food that I bought as part of prepping for the worst that I expected to come more than two years ago.

I did not prep for this. I did not ask for this to happen.

I prayed. 

Believed in a higher power.

There is really no progress being made on my end. Every day is a loop.

It feels like I have been betrayed.

I used to smile and joke often. The side of my face was quick to rise and my eyes swift to light up with optimism and joy.

I don't feel like that anymore.

Whatever arrogance I once had feels long gone. Burned away.

As are much of my dreams. Of getting out of this country and starting a new life.

I can't believe the situation I am in. There aren't enough words to communicate how horrible it has been. All the small details that I can't begin to fully describe that reminds me daily how much I don't want to be here.

The way my heart sinks at seeing homeless people on the streets. The flies and insects that buzz around inside the house because my mother likes to leave food exposed on the counter. The creaking of the floors. The lack of privacy and the single bathroom. Dealing with bankruptcy. Not having much money left. The loss of my independence. The loss of my faith.

I am not a bad person. I am as imperfect as anyone else. More so than most. Having the hearing disability that I do.

A fellow on Reddit told me that I was more powerful than I know. My heart squeezed out a sigh, remembering how my faith has lead me to this point. All those nights of prayer and expressions of gratitude unanswered and unacknowledged.

Knowing the state of the world as it is, I cannot find faith in any of it. Our history has been manipulated as are our sciences and the medical system and politics and religion.

And so many people in this world are carrying about like nothing is wrong. On Reddit, there are threads making fun of those who protested against genital mutilation of their children and giving them puberty blockers behind their parent's back. Even if many of those people are bots online, I suspect some actually do believe that there is nothing wrong with changing the gender of a child.

How uneducated they are. How ill-informed. How ignorant.

"Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do."

I don't know if we can forgive some of these people. I don't see how we can co-exist with them.

I wrote a list a few days ago of all the things I want in this world. 

Here they are:

1. Have dinner with Max Igan
2. Play poker with Jeff Berwick
3. Go for a walk with Jeff's dog Lucy
4. Coffee with Lena Paille (Erica Campbell)
5. Sitting on a moonlit beach next to Karlee and watching the stars
6. Meeting Tyler in Missouri and his cow Thera
7. Being visited by Yeshua/Jesus
8. Owning a green Jeep Wrangler
9. Receiving a cheque for millions of dollars from the lottery
10. Getting new hearing aids
11. Getting my Polish passport back
12. Owning my own home in the country with a tire swing and a wooden back porch
13. Seeing a sloth
14. Playing with a dolphin
15. Owning a golden retriever
16. Meeting a koala bear
17. Having millions in the bank
18. Curing Karlee of Type 1 diabetes
19. Publishing a book called the New Bible of Man
20. Getting into good physical shape

Out of all of these, only the last one is the most realistically attainable and I don't have any means of getting into shape without a gym membership, equipment or any privacy at home.

I'm tired of saying that I am tired of all this but I am.

So tired.

The words of Pastor Len sometimes come into my mind. His voice running through my ears.

"God has a special purpose for you."

Well.

What is it God? What is that purpose? This? Where I am right now?

Destitute? 

Living with my mother?

No hope? Losing almost everything I owned?

Was that the plan? 

I know what I want and this life isn't it.

At the very least, I am happy for some of my memories. Some of the experiences I've had.

But overall...

It's not been great.

This blog has been kept for over ten years now. I wonder what it would look like to read from the beginning to the end. Whether or not I came across an arrogant asshole and whether or not I deserved all this. 

At the very least the words are memorialized although I don't know who it would benefit to be reading any of this.

Not a lot of positivity in this blog of mine. 

I wonder sometimes. What have I done to deserve all this? How many tests have I failed? Which ones if any did I pass?

I keep thinking I should have walked away from my ex weeks after meeting her but I understand why I stuck it out. 

I keep thinking I should have sold my stocks on that morning but I understand why I hesitated and didn't.

I keep thinking I should not have trusted my intuition and packed up all those items to take with me to St. Paul that one day. Losing my passports in the process.

I keep thinking that I'm...

I'm a good man. I'm cynical and sometimes bitter and impatient at times with people who I felt should know better but I realize that I was attracting the wrong type of people. I projected myself onto them. Thinking they are able to think like I do when in reality most of them don't.

I've never fit in anyplace here. I can't remember really "belonging" someplace and living my purpose.

It was writing that helped me through some tough times before. It was writing that gave me dreams to believe in.

Now I really don't care to write. Not much imagination left. Not many who would appreciate it and not many who would care to read the words I write. Perhaps I am making assumptions but publishing any kind of book these days and pouring all that energy into it often goes unrewarded.

I still play the same numbers in the lottery. 1, 6, 9, 11, 25 and 44. I know if those numbers come up, then God's "special" plan for me has been realized. I have been praying that if those numbers hit, it means more than being financially secure, it means that I have been listened towards. That I am cared for. That I am loved in a life where I felt so little of it.

So little that I craved it. Getting into all the wrong relationships hoping for it to be reciprocated. Pouring my heart into the wrong type of women.

I'm past that now but it still hurts. Especially with Karlee. Who's spirit mirrors my own.

I really wanted to help make her dreams come true along with mine but I was too.. 

Too ashamed of myself. Feeling unworthy. Under pressure. Guarded. Guarded because I did not want to reveal how screwed up my life really is. 

She is such a beautiful woman. Imperfect, but I love her soul. Her spirit.

All I really have love for right now that I can express is towards my mother's cat Princess. 

I...

I want to change the world. Which reminds me as I typed those words that a woman told me those same words years ago with my ex when we first entered their Airbnb in Calgary.

"YOU ARE GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD!" she exclaimed, pointing at me as I walked through the door.

I didn't know what to say about that. I was perplexed.

That makes two people who think I am going to make a big enough difference in this place.

But I can't seem to right now. Not in this situation. Finances dwindling. Unable to build up my self-esteem and my energy and to buy and cook my own food. To travel. To meet new people and see new places.

A miracle needs to present itself otherwise I am going to have to admit with certainty at some point that I will not make any difference in the world and that I am ready to move on. To erase myself.

I remember for years how I wanted to change the world. Wanted to write that book, "A New Bible of Man" where it would compile useful ideas, quotes, parables and examples from multiple authors of how we can change the world by changing ourselves.

I'd love to have that opportunity.

But the list I wrote above needs to be fulfilled. Starting with #9.

I can't survive or do anything without money. I refuse to get a minimum wage job and commute and collect hundreds of dollars per week, hoping to save up enough for... for what? 

For what?

My credit means I will not be able to buy my own home. I don't even know if I can rent anything.

I can't keep driving this Jeep I have. With the engine block light constantly on. Using as much gas as it does and the terrible suspension where I feel every bump in the road. The intense heat that pours out through the vents. Even in the summer.

I have no way of cultivating creativity within a dead-end job. I learned this the hard way many years ago. Work is draining. Both physically and mentally.

My imagination needs to come from nature. From music. From books and observing and taking in the beauty of the world around us. Connecting myself to the divine that which is within me,

I cannot connect to anything but self-preservation at this point. And disassociating myself through endless distractions means I cannot cultivate any energy or imagination.

I find myself caring less about everything including the food that I eat. I used to dread my mother's cooking. Now I have no choice but to eat what is given to me.

I cannot enjoy a candlelit bath with music and a wet cloth draped across my eyes. 

I cannot ground myself on the grass outside because we have no grass and winter is coming.

I cannot imagine how am I going to survive this winter, stuck inside of this house. Smoking cigarettes one after another and looking at negative videos and news on my phone because I refuse to stare at a television screen and be entertained by fiction.

It takes a miracle at this point to reverse it all.

A miracle that I am open to and willing to receive.

Let me have that opportunity to change my world, my family and the people I care about.

Then I will change the world. 

I don't need a fancy car or material possessions. 

Just a green Jeep Wrangler. Some books. Vinyl records and a turntable.

There is so much that I miss of my old life. Having a garage to pull into so that I wouldn't have to scrape ice off my car. Having grass I could stand on and a garden to maintain. The privacy of being able to fry bacon in the nude.

I miss all of it.

I miss my sense of humor. I understand there's little to laugh about these days.

But I know that the real me is not gone. It... it is still there. Buried, but alive.

I ask God to read these words. The Creator. Whatever intelligence is out there.

I prayed to you most of the nights of my life.

I was not delivered from temptation or from evil.

So what was the point of it all? Taking personal responsibility? 

Not believing in God but believing in myself? In humanity?

Maybe I was praying to the wrong deity.

I don't know. 

But God has a special plan for me. 

And I am meant to change the world.

However.

Time is running out.

I can't wait much longer.

Come.

Prove to me that my life wasn't lived in vain.

Prove that I am loved and watched and cared over.

Guide me to my true purpose.

Reveal to me the mysteries of my being.

And yours.

I have spent most of my life searching to know.

The journey will soon end if I do not receive any answers.

Because I refuse the alternative. Over twenty years I have endured much at my job. Dirt, sweat, tears.

I've done my time.

Now it's time for you to do yours.

Jackpot

More of the same, today.

Dollar Vigilante video, David Icke podcast, looking and replying to posts on Reddit, sitting in my car for hours at a time until its pitch black outside.

Have I already said that I am tired of this?

I smelled myself earlier and realized I haven't showered in three days. I used to be diligent about it until I had to start sharing a bathroom with my mother. Dirty bath mats, smelly towels which she uses and has little white hairs on them despite my telling her not to touch my towel and the feeling of her listening to me shower makes me not want to take one. That woman has eyes and ears like a hawk. Always paying attention to every little thing that I do.

I'm dealing with the trauma caused by all this through distracting myself. At the same time, I'm keeping informed and educated even though everything blends together at times. Same old doom and gloom.

Today was speculation on the US calling a draft. Euthanasia being approved in Canada for drug users and more BS that I think is somewhat pointless to write about. Such as property taxes going 40% up in places like Ohio and Missouri.

We're pretty much screwed. The agenda is moving forward drip by drip and it's hard to keep on track of news items when pretty much every week is another new "event" that makes everyone forget about the earlier ones. Such as with what happened in Lahina, Hawaii.

Real tired of all this. 

Going in the drive through to get a coffee at Tims, I saw a homeless man sleeping on the grass. Everyone could see him. 

My heart sank at the sight. One guy noticed him as he walked by and smiled at me with a "wtf is this guy doing?" look on his face. I didn't smile back. There was nothing to smile about.

I keep thinking of the could've, should've, would've in relation to being in my own home with all the supplies I need and a low monthly expense to live off of. Taking a shower or a bath whenever I want to. Listening to music out loud. Not having someone stare at me and constantly interrupting with noise and making asinine comments.

I read yesterday that the best way to improve a relationship with parents is to move out. So true. I can't handle living with my mother. My heart sinks and squeezes and the tension of her suddenly popping up to say something or making a racket in the kitchen or assaulting my nostrils with whatever she is cooking and... 

I'm so tired of all this.

What is the point anymore? I refuse to live like this but what is the alternative?

Being on the streets? Sleeping on the grass like that homeless man? With winter coming?

I'd rather be gone from all this. The homeless problem is only getting worse, not better and most people look down on people who have unplugged themselves from the system. Thinking they are mentally ill or lazy or addicted to drugs.

That is not always the case.

It hurts watching the city I was born in deteriorate and be filled up with strange faces. I saw two young black kids pull up close to me to get out of their cars and smoke a joint. In a spot where I thought I had some privacy.

I can't find privacy close by where I am. Always a vehicle nearby. Always a pedestrian. Always a homeless person.

 I have to drive 20 minutes to Fort Sask to find a spot where its relatively peaceful and even that isn't guaranteed with vehicles driving by on the isolated road I like to park at.

Where are you God? 

Why have you abandoned us? Why have you abandoned me?

Prayed every night for most of my life and I can hardly see many good moments where it felt like a divine gift was being given. 

Instead, just a lot of heartache.

It's hard to keep going. Last night I was awakened early and had trouble going back to sleep. It was around 7am when I did. Waking up at around noon and laying there on my thin mattress with an itchy scalp and trying to connect with a higher power. Hoping for answers or inspiration or some form of acknowledgement and connection.

If at death the question is asked, "where were you? why didn't you help me when I needed you most?" and the response is, "because you have free will" is not going to cut it. I understand the importance of personal responsibility but I also know that if my child cried out for help, I would do my best to provide it. And not in the form of hard "lessons" either.

We may only be here a short time but I feel like I've overstayed my welcome by more than a year already. Living in this place. Aimless and without hope.

Calling out for a response. 

I can't even build my energy up. It used to be baths, video games, music, cleaning/maintaining the house, reading a good book.

No way for me to take a private bath, gave away my Xbox, can't enjoy music, not going to clean up after my mother, nothing to maintain or care about because she does it all herself anyways and almost all of my books have been donated/given away.

Just stare at the screen of my phone. My eyesight getting worse over time. Can't afford glasses, either.

The solution I want is the easiest one. If we are here to experience the reality we choose, I choose abundance. That is what I chose before all this crap happened. Praying each night and expressing gratitude and envisioning the ideal outcome. Dreaming about visiting and possibly living in Nicaragua while I rent the house out and live off that income.

No longer is that a possibility given my current situation.

I did not ask for this to happen. 

I've been searching my soul. Trying to figure out if my connection with the Creator was misplaced. Perhaps we are all individuated units of consciousness within a network that we label as "God" across all of our belief systems and lack thereof.

If so, then this is a simulation. 

If that is so, manifesting a desired outcome is a possibility. Reality would be more mutable within a simulated infrastructure.

Part of me hopes this all ends. We can't keep going on like this. Taxes are only going to go up. Interest rates are going up. Property values keep going up. Credit is being tightened.

I shake my head thinking about the many people around the world who are suffering trying to make ends meet and keeping a roof over their heads. I cannot imagine raising a family and being responsible for their welfare at a time like this.

Not unless I was rich.

I suppose a plus from all of this is that a lot of illusions were dropped. I now understand the importance of independence. I show more respect towards money although I am still somewhat bothered by us having to use and chase after it.

Where is the kingdom of God? Within. That is what Jesus told us. The kingdom of God is within.

The riches and all possibilities are within me.

If this is a simulation, I want to... no, I will win a lottery jackpot.

I will win a lottery jackpot as delusional as it may sound.

Because once it happens, my purpose becomes ever clearer, my faith restored and I will set out to help people as best as I can. 

One thing we really need is an encrypted Reddit clone that we can communicate securely without any censorship or surveillance. It's similar to the Headtwerk idea I had posted on Medium. A Reddit clone app that can be accessed through any device without going through the app store and possibly with stored messages on the blockchain with varying levels of access allowed through the use of a subscription fee would be a gamechanger. It also would plug-in to being a content delivery platform.

I'm tired right now. Physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted. I'm going to wake up again in the morning to the creaks of my mother's footsteps on the floor above me. The noise of the buses that go by every 15 minutes. In this dark basement I am in laying on a thin mattress.

It's pathetic.

I will win a lottery jackpot.

I will prove the existence of divine intervention.

Or at least prove my ability to create this outcome.

I don't know how or when or with what numbers.

But I will.

And I'll change the world.

Deliverance and renewal.

I and the Father are one.

Should Have, Could Have, Would Have.

I'm pretty tired.

My mind goes into the past and does the "should've, would've, could've game" where I envision new choices for the situation I was in.

For instance, should've broken up with my ex in that first year. Right around after we went to Arizona where it was evident that she was manipulative and didn't take our relationship seriously.

2008 was around when housing prices in Edmonton started to spike and double in value. I wanted to buy a home in Saskatchewan as an investment property. Went to get myself approved for a mortgage and called the real estate agent to see what was available. Upon mentioning this idea to my parents, both of them said it was a bad idea. The year after, those cheap homes doubled in Saskatchewan.

Should've bought Apple stock in early 2000s once I saw what a gamechanger the iPod was going to be. Thought about it but for some reason didn't pull the trigger.

Should've finished my insulator apprenticeship earlier while we had the boom going here. People were making money hand over fist with all the overtime we were getting. Double and triple. But I didn't want to insulate for a living and didn't think I would be doing it for 20 years.

Should've tried harder to find those cannabis stocks in 2016 when I saw Trudeau run on the platform of legalization. I remember typing in a search engine unable to find anything and then later gave up. Canopy Growth went from a penny stock to $70 from that time until legalization.

Should've, could've, would've.

Shouldn't have allowed my parent's opinions to sway me. Shouldn't have allowed them to plant seeds of doubt into me. Should've been bold enough to follow my own path.

And today was more of the same. Got up, looked at the phone. Left the house to find a quiet area and was unsuccessful. Watched more videos of doom and gloom. Went to Tim Hortons and did the same. Sat on the side of the road in the dark and...

More of the same.

I don't want to keep giving my energy to this shit. Israel and Hamas and all the drama of everything going on. The sky is falling, the sky is falling.

Been that way since 2020.

Should've sold my Gamestop shares that morning. Should've set an alarm clock. Should've cut my losses as quickly as I saw them appear instead of waiting for them to go back up to the 200k I wanted to sell them at.

Should've, could've, would've.

Shouldn't have gone to St Paul where I lost both my passports. Shouldn't have bought all those preps before I had paid off my debt. Shouldn't have convinced my mother to sell the house when I could've still declared bankruptcy and lived in it.

Should've, could've, would've. 

Should've waited for someone like Karlee instead of getting involved in relationships that did not help me become a better person. Relationships with women that shared my values and dreams. 

Should've put more faith into myself than into other people. Should've been proud of who I am and what I had to offer the right lady. Should've been patient. 

Should've, could've, would've.

Should've stopped myself when I felt that "other" spirit enter me and recognized it for what it was. A negative entity. Should've not confused it with "intuition". Should've been more questioning and less in fear. 

Then again, the fear was intense at times. Too long of a story to get into.

And now here I am. Regretful, resentful, pessimistic, angry, traumatized.

It's like that Pawn Stars meme. "I'm never going to financially recover from this."

I keep thinking of being in my old place. Laying on the couch, taking a candlelight bath with a book and music, raking the leaves, cutting the grass, trimming the hedges, working on my garden, keeping the driveway and sidewalk shoveled in the winter.

Should've, could've, would've.

So now what? I am in the deepest and darkest of holes right now. There is so little light up where I look into the sky. There is no glowing hand reaching down from above to pull me out from this.

I successfully avoided going to Northgate with my mother today. To apply for this handicapped benefits. I'm glad we didn't have a fight over it.

At this late hour, I can hear her walking around upstairs in the kitchen. She's constantly coming down for food. The floors creak.

I can't sit still without feeling like I need to pull out my phone to find content to distract myself with.

More doom and gloom.

You are what you consume. Gloomy content = gloomy character and outlook.

I used to play Star Wars Battlefront and watch movies and all these other things to help get my mind back on track even when I was looking at all the negativity. 

I don't even have an Xbox anymore. Most of my movies donated to thrift shops and no interest in watching them either. No interest in listening to music. Can hardly focus on a book and no way of me taking a bath when there's only one bathroom in this entire place. 

I'm so tired of this.

I am a part of the collective consciousness. I am a child of God. 

I am a creator. A creative and intelligent individual. Ideas come easy to me. Trends are easily spotted.

But...

I'm pretty tired, blog.

I'm real tired of all this.

There's no way for me to build up my prana in the living situation I am in. Each time I go outside for a cigarette I see two rainbow flags staring at me along with the bright parking lot lights and sometimes people on the balcony watching me. Looking into the living room if I don't completely close the curtains which I can't because Princess likes to sit in her cat tower and look outside.

This is...

Sighs.

This is ...

The hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my entire life.

Finding peace is next to impossible.

Finding contentment is extremely difficult.

Finding privacy is so rare.

And finding things to express gratitude towards is pointless.

I can't even decide on the food I want to eat each day. My mother makes those decisions. Looking into her fridge makes my soul hurt. Half eaten items, all unorganized and... everything is unappetizing and random.

Flies buzzing around in this place. Disgusting looking garbage can. Food sitting around outside for "the birds" which can sometimes mean chicken drumsticks and lasagna and old cat food.

The insanity of this place has gotten to me. No wonder I keep disassociating from everything.

There's no hope to be found in continuing to live here with my mother.

I don't have much time for an intervention.

I need one immediately.

Not a human one.

But from the God who has a special plan for me.

If this God even exists in the way that I used to think he does.

If it is even a He.

The whole world is hurting in its own way. 

But not like me.

My pain...

Is unique.

I realize that parents have injured children in Gaza. I realize that many have been killed.

There are no words to express the pain they must be experiencing.

It humbles me at times but...

It does not alleviate or marginalize what I am going through.

Another day of nothing. I don't feel like I am making any progress in any aspect of myself. Not financially, not physically, not spiritually.

I'm in limbo. I can hardly... 

Can hardly... 

Find faith in anything these days.

The only thing I have right now is Princess. She's the only thing that gives me a bit of joy.

And smoking my brains out. Although I would rather I not even bother with any of it. I had quit for a year before the downward spiral started.

I can see why addicts are addicts. Sometimes drugs help us cope with ourselves. Insulating us against the pain of both the inside and outside world.

I haven't had alcohol in a long time. I haven't smoked weed in over a month.

Never done hard drugs and never will.

I am so sad...

So fucking sad.

I cry for both myself and the world. The ignorant among us. Like my mother, who parrots the opinions of what she sees on tv.

I used to be a leader. Now she's the leader because I cannot fill that role.

I am not in that position right now to fill it.

My decisions will forever be questioned although I came so close to earning massive respect.

Had I sold those shares.

Had I set my alarm clock that morning.

Should've, could've, would've.

Take me home.

End this.

or begin something new.

New Old Day

 Well, I don't know what to say. Another day of the same old thing. Sitting in my car watching videos and listening to podcasts. Same old doom and gloom. Same old.

I know I didn't deserve all this to happen. I prepared. I knew early in 2020 that this was going to be a spiritual war and that I needed to play the stock market to get my debts cleared and my finances up.

I bought all the supplies I thought I would need to ride this out. Had a place outside of the city with less than 30,000 people in it. Pleasant enough neighbors. Hardly saw any immigrants and I don't think I saw anyone who was homeless and begging on the streets. Fairly clean, decent infrastructure and the stores weren't packed with long lines.

I thought I was prepared. I was prepared. I didn't ever think I would end up like this.

Listening to Curtis Stone on his livestream tonight and it is depressing. I respect the guy and he echoed much of what I was thinking those three years ago. We're heading for a collapse and it wasn't going to be pretty.

Little did I expect I would be bankrupt and living with my mother who wants me to apply for some kind of handicapped benefits where I will be expected to say that I'm mentally unwell in order to get money from the government.

I did not ask for any of this. My worst fears came to life. No home, no sacred space, living with my mother so no privacy, no dreams, no hopes, no money, no future both for myself and for the world.

And I knew it was all coming. That is what makes this so much worse. It is even harder when I think back to those times and how much I prayed each evening for guidance and expressing gratitude for how well my stocks were doing. How close I was getting to my goal of realizing a good financial position for myself.

It's all out the window now.

So what is the point of this all? I keep asking myself this each day. I wake up in the mornings with nothing to look forward to but a screen I hold in my hand and stare at most of the day. 

It is so much harder to dig deep and find faith and hope when I knew how diligent and committed I was with my faith those years ago. Had I sold my stocks that particular morning like I expected to instead of sleeping in without setting an alarm; I would be doing well right now. I would have so many options and feel secured in my position with where I lived.

All out the window.

Try believing in God when you pour your heart into Him only to get the rug pulled out from underneath you at the most crucial moment in time. When it mattered the most. How can I pray again to God with that level of gratitude and belief? 

I can't. I feel like He has betrayed me.

And now I am questioning not if He exists, but what is He exactly if it is even a He?

Perhaps I was wrong all those years. Looking back at my life with those relationships that came to me, the lack of purpose, unsure of what I was going to do with my life. All those years I prayed and this is the result.

Ruin. Watching the world burn and dependent on my mother. Helpless. 

I don't want to accept government assistance. I just don't. To tell them I am mentally unwell? 

Fuck that.

I am spiritually drained. I hold conversations with myself late in the evenings and when I wake in the morning. Going over what I know and trying to fit pieces together. Trying to understand what God really is and if this is supposed to be part of some plan. Some script that I agreed towards.

I know I did NOT AGREE TO THIS.

So then the question becomes, do I deserve this as my fate? Is this outcome what I've earned for myself?

Where was God when I needed him most? 

And I know I have been spiritually possessed a few times in my life. I now know that spiritual warfare is real and spirits on the other side have had their way with me. Even though I didn't think that was what they were. I thought I was listening to my "intuition" which was a huge mistake.

I was taken advantaged of. I was manipulated. I was steered into the wrong direction.

I know this now and it brings me no solace. This was a lesson I should have known years ago.

But that is how powerful these spirits can be. You don't really know if it is your intuition that is producing certain thoughts. It is hard to differentiate what is and isn't your own thoughts.

Just knowing this means that my free will has been violated. I am aware of how I felt and what I did during those times. I was like a puppet on a string with another soul pushed into my body. 

Where was God throughout all this? How could I be so spiritually and mentally weak? I thought I was protected and watched over. I thought my destiny was to help humanity but I needed to help myself first. 

It is so easy to be angry and resentful at all this. 

This is not what I envisioned my life to become.

Some people who are into New Age like to say that we chose to be here and that we go through a script of sorts that we agree upon. 

The way Karlee and I met, I can see that. Same with my ex. 

I remember how my chakras were manipulated. Feeling that intense glow in my chest in the beginning stages of being with my ex. Thinking that a radiating heart must mean I was filled with love and that it was a sign of sorts, for me to be with this person.

This person who sucked it all dry. This married polyamorous... 

I don't want to say the word I should say.

But what the hell. This married polyamorous whore.

Succubus. Demon. Witch.

Ironically, she even called herself a witch a few times. Claiming she thought she was one in a past life.

I should never have been with her for as long as I was. Three years. What a joke it all was.

This hypocritical untrustworthy confused and shallow individual who spews out word salad about spirituality. Claiming she wants to help people but yet has no degree of empathy enough to care and to sympathize. Just fake. Insincere. 

I remember Pastor Len telling her just that. She was "confused" ... and for me, he said "God has a special plan for you"

Is this the special plan?

Bankrupt and living in hell? Forced into a position to beg for money?

I'd rather die to be honest. Get me out of this place. I refuse to be judged on the other side. There is no authority I recognize other than myself.

If this was a test, clearly I've failed. I must have. But the test would have been a lot different once I reached my financial goal. I would've been God's champion. After the experience with my ex, I would've known to avoid future contact with women like her. Knowing that love cannot change a narcissist. 

I would've saved my heart and soul for someone who deserves it. 

Like Karlee.

And yet, meeting her... I couldn't muster the excitement. It has been two years out of a relationship and I have been degraded after a year of living with my mother under these conditions. Bugs flying around in the house. Smelly towels with little hairs on them. Food and grease stains on light switches and pans that are supposed to be cleaned with dish soap.

No privacy. Can't even have a cigarette outside without the people in the apartment across from me potentially staring at me from their dark balcony as they puff weed or have a cigarette themselves.

If ever there was a moment in time for God's special plan to kick in, it is right now. Right this second.

Unless that plan has already been fulfilled. Or perhaps, this was the plan all along. To reduce me down to rubble. A pale shadow of my former self.

God... do you exist out there? If so... what are you? Why am I here? What purpose am I supposed to serve?

I had to help myself before I could help others. And I like helping others. 

I do get angry and impatient at times. Some people just don't get it. Some people... are better left alone and smiled at and walked away from.

NPCs. Liberals. The type that is the opposite of a free and critical thinker.

Polish elections just came up. My mother supports the liberal party claiming the current government is corrupt. What she doesn't realize is that the liberal party is going to allow for mass migration to take place and will turn Poland into London or Paris or Edmonton.

Some people will never get it. I don't know why I project my hope onto them that they will.

They are beyond understanding. Incapable of thinking for themselves.

I've always had a hard time accepting that. Sometimes I get arrogant about it. I just refuse to believe that this is the level of intelligence they keep themselves at. Not even intelligence really, just a level of knowing and understanding. Of honesty and acceptance of truth.

It's going to be another morning tomorrow where I wake up and it will be the same old. Except this time, my mother is going to want to take me to apply for this handicapped benefit program.

Accepting that means I will have to accept myself as being mentally unwell.

I am spiritually sick to be honest. I am in pain.

I would rather die than to live a life with people having the wrong perception of me.

I would rather die than to continue living on and struggling in shame and guilt and having my mother and family be embarrassed by me. 

I keep thinking about that morning where I should have set my alarm. Imagine paying off all of my debts and having money left over for a car and to travel and with enough money to take a year off to contemplate my next move without feeling pressured.

I would've been happy to work a minimum wage job. I would still have my amazing credit score. Eligible for up to 100,000 across 3 bank accounts.

But it didn't happen. It came close.

And close isn't good enough.

I'm at the bottom now. There is no reason to believe things are going to get any better. Not with my personal circumstances and not with the way the world is going.

I can't live here any longer. With my mother. In this liberal infested city that is crowded with migrants and people flying rainbow flags on the balcony across from my patio door.

Which isn't even my patio door. Which isn't my townhouse that I had no part in deciding to buy.

This is why I will have a beef with whatever I am to meet on the other side of all this. I will be asking hard questions. I refuse to believe that I agreed to any of this. I will show proof of my free will being violated. I will ask where was my protection and guidance throughout any of this despite having prayed for it for years.

I am proud of those people like Curtis who have managed to get themselves off-grid. A man with a happy wife and family. Working on the land. Responsible for himself. Capable. Strong. Smart.

I would have liked to be that kind of guy. Dreamed about being on an acreage for many years but my ex did not share the dream. Wanted to be in the city.

She wouldn't have survived in the country anyways. I would not have wanted her with me. No shared values. No skills other than sex.

I know why I stayed with her. Both because I was insecure and because she would beg to come back into my life each time I broke up with her. I thought maybe love would change a person.

Nothing changes damaged goods other than themselves.

And I am damaged goods right now. 

My mother knows it enough. She sees my routine. Watches me often.

I'm done with this all. 

What is this special plan of yours God?

This? Is THIS the plan Len spoke about?

THIS?

I want out. Some kind of miracle, a rapture or get hit by a car and be instantly killed.

Clearly I am not loved or protected by whatever it was I thought I was praying to all those years.

But I often leave the door open to further my incomplete understanding. Perhaps a miracle will come. 

It has to.

I can't go on like this. Smoking my brains out. Distracting myself all day with videos about prepping and conspiracies and constant bad news waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It's a collapse at this point. 

Get me out of here.

Show me something. Show me that you care.

Otherwise all those years were for nothing.

It is like my past has amounted to zero.

If I am to be punished for any of this then there is a cruelty in charge of this world that I do not want any part of.

Love is the energy of the universe. Why has it abandoned me and escaped my grasp?

Why is it that since I was a teen I wanted to find the girl of my dreams? Who I envisioned walking on a sandy beach with, holding hands on a warm summer day?

I was IN MY TEENS thinking and asking for this.

More than two decades ago.

TWENTY YEARS.

I am a life path number 6.  I've cared about love and family and relationships.

I didn't care about money. Didn't want to chase it like other people did. Turned down overtime. Didn't dream of owning an expensive car or house or taking frequent vacations all around the globe.

Now all I care about is money. I need it to get me out of here.

And to be honest. I still don't care about money much. Other than to win a lottery jackpot.

That's it.

I want to surprise Karlee one day. Be on a beach in Tootgarook with sunglasses on and approaching her with a big smile on my face. Tell her that her legal fees are covered. Tell her that I have money enough to help with buying a property together, should she be willing to marry me after her divorce is finalized.

And I'd like to do the same with Tyler. Take a road trip to Missouri. Show up and text him saying that I'm in the area. Help pay off his mortgage. Meet his kids. Meet his wife.

Help my cousins. Jessie and Marek to buy homes for themselves. Give them a bit of money to live off of.

Maybe move to Mexico to be near Jeff Berwick. Play poker with him. Pet his dog Lucy.

Own a dog of my own someday. A beautiful golden retriever.

Write a book about my life. Write about how God saved me when I needed Him most.

I...

Have failed in this life.

Those who looked down on me like I was disabled and inferior and deserving of ruin... they would get their just desserts.

Especially my stepdad Chris. That abusive asshole. Flying to Cuba multiple times a year. Getting drunk and being an asshole and rewarded for the life he's lived.

Rewarded for hurting as many people as he did.

I still remember him pulling a knife out on me. I remember him using my hands to punch myself in the face as a young kid because he was drunk and lost his mind. My mother STILL CHOOSING TO BE WITH HIM despite all of the bullshit he's pulled. Abusing us both emotionally.

This must be hell where the wicked are rewarded.

What other explanation is there?

I'm tired of this. Do you read me God? Do you read me spirits? Do you read any of these words?

Can you feel my heart right now? My soul? Can you know the contents of my daily thoughts?

Because if you did, you'd do something.

Now.

Right now.

I AM

Same day again. Same routine. Same noises in the neighborhood of dogs barking, children screaming, buses going by, loud engines in the distance...

I am quite sick of this place. 

I keep writing this over and over. Keep thinking it over and over. Whenever I come home after sitting in my car for hours, I think two things without realizing it:

1) this is not home

2) fuck this place

When my mother decided to purchase this townhouse, she did it impulsively without asking what I thought of it. I knew on the day when I first saw it that it had a terrible energy to it. Bright parking lot lights from the apartment across from us shines through the bedroom and living room windows. The basement felt odd. The closet...

Just heard a loud engine. My heart sinks each time I'm exposed to these noises. 

I just want my peace. My quiet. My privacy.

Not my mother wandering downstairs to tell me that dinner is made or to avoid making eye contact with her each time she goes into the kitchen across from me as I sit on the couch hoping to ignore her. 

I can't stand it when people can see what I'm doing when I want and need my privacy.

That's why I leave the house each day to sit in my Jeep for hours at a time and I still can't get that privacy. There are no places to park here where I am guaranteed to be hidden away from wandering eyes. Cars will come by, people will walk next to my vehicle on the sidewalk or nearby homes will have people looking out their windows to see me. 

I'm so tired of all this. God help me.

This is no way for anyone to live. 

Especially knowing what I had before. My own place. My own clean comfortable cozy and private sanctuary.

If only I knew how important that was to have. 

No wonder I drove around a year ago looking for a tree to hang a noose off of. My soul knew what was coming. What I would have to endure living with my mother in this city that I absolutely loathe being in.

Those bumpy roads. All these newly migrated faces who do not remember the Edmonton I grew up in as a child. 

A few years ago I had written in this blog asking for a "sign" from above to let me know that I was being listened towards. It was about a week or so later that I came across a park bench with a handwritten sign on it saying "someone is watching you".

I want that again. Need it.

Is someone watching me?

When I think back to that time, the amazement I first felt as I sat down on the bench and took a picture of the sign, I didn't think to ask any questions. I should have asked "who or what are you?" and "why am I here?" ... 

At the moment I am listening to an audiobook called "I Am, I Create" by Erin Werley. I came across it on YouTube. The thoughts expressed resonate with me except for a few simple things:

I remember in the days and weeks and months leading up to my investment portfolio crashing that I was expressing gratitude each day. I prayed each night. I visualized paying off my debts and how good the feeling was to do so. I could see the visible progress I was making financially and...

That all ended the moment I saw 200k and effusively praised "God" for having me reach that point.

The next day it ended. The day after was like another stab to the heart. Then it sank and sank and sank. 

My thoughts got darker and I smiled less and less.

What was my mistake? My error? 

I did not ask for this to happen. Living with my mother. Broke. In the process of bankruptcy and soon not having any money to pay my monthly expenses because I have no income.

I do not want to ask the government for any assistance. I do not want to ask my mother for help.

I just want to be out of here. In my own place. Forging my own path.

But I do see what lessons I have learned from some of this.

I now know how unimportant material possessions are. I now see that God did not push me to act at the moment when I needed His help most.

Or the help of whatever it was I have been praying to for most of my life.

The God that was supposed to not lead me into temptation but away from evil.

The God that sent me all those incompatible women in my direction. Five of whom have broken my heart.

Just heard my mother yawn from downstairs. The noise in this place is unreal. I feel like an unwanted stranger.

I am a boat at sea spinning in circles and where I once cared about where I was going, I no longer do.

Well, that is not entirely accurate. I do care about where I am going but I don't... can't find the way to get to where I want to be.

Just playing the lottery. Buying those tickets, 

Didn't win anything last night. 

I used to call the lottery a tax on the stupid. Now look at me.

I must be pretty stupid.

Looking at my life with all those relationships, I realized why I got involved with them.

Because I didn't feel loved by my parents and because I was insecure.

I didn't think of myself as good looking because of the many times my mother would tell me how handsome I was. The more she kept repeating it, the less I believed it until I felt that I must have been unattractive for her to have to say it so often and she was trying to bolster my ego.

But now I realize that my physical appearance isn't all that bad. Some women have called me handsome. Karlee did.

And I have dated some attractive women in my time.

So... I wasn't ugly. But I had to take this long road to figure that out because all I could see in the mirror was the boy in high school who was teased for his big nose.

My dad didn't help with my self esteem either. Didn't teach me any skills. Didn't have an interest in molding me into his image.

Maybe it was because he didn't really accept me as his son. I remember when we had an argument while I was in junior high where he said "you're not really my son" and I wonder what he meant by that.

My mother told me he was married before he married her. A secret that my dad didn't bring up or tell me about. A secret I only found out two years after he passed. Why did he keep that from me?

All those long conversations my dad and I had when I would visit him and the stories of him immigrating to Canada but that important detail of him being married left out.

Some relationship I had with him.

Worthless. It is so easy to resent my parents.

If either of them truly loved me they would have encouraged me towards independence and preparing me for the world. They would've encouraged me to buy a place of my own in my early 20s. Instead, both of them thought it was a bad idea because I was saving money by living at home.

I had no clue about the world and how it worked and had no path forward in life. Didn't even choose my career. Nobody cared to ask what I wanted to do in life. Dad didn't ask, my mother didn't ask, neither made any suggestions.

I made a conscious design to get into graphic design and that didn't work out. Made friends and had some nice experiences but as a career it would've never worked out. Especially now.

But I had to pick something. I remember wanting to be either a writer or a psychologist/counsellor after leaving high school. Being a journalist would've been a bad idea and I could not afford the tuition to become a psychologist.

Didn't have the confidence needed. Neither of my parents cared enough to identify and cultivate the good parts about myself that would've translated to a fulfilling career. Hardly learned anything from them. My mother couldn't pass on much knowledge and though my father was intelligent and knowledgeable, he didn't pass on much either. Maybe because I wasn't "really" his son.

Whatever that means.

I'm not crying myself a river but I need to accept that this is the reason why I got involved with these women. Yes, it was nice having sex and connecting with another human being on a deep intimate level but... I didn't resonate with most of them. I felt like I just wanted that feeling of being accepted and appreciated and feeling closer to God through those acts.

No wonder I am the way that I am.

And ironically, Karlee was the one I most wanted to impress and be with. Out of all of them she deserved all of me. She deserved that light show in my bedroom which she would have appreciated. Instead, I got F---- asking me the question of "why do you have those?" like I am some kind of weirdo for appreciating beauty in my bedroom.

My life hasn't amounted to much. A ship lost at sea floating around because I didn't believe enough in a destination to aim towards. Didn't believe in myself enough. Didn't think I would find the right woman for me after having gone through so many dates and... God help me, online dating is terrible. Absolutely terrible even though it was easy to find people on it.

Such a struggle.

And what I know now is to be patient, to stay true, to push myself to realize a destiny that I envisioned.

My mother is about to come downstairs and interrupt me. I can hear her footsteps.

I'm back. She told me to make garlic bread. Not "there's garlic bread if you want it" just "make garlic bread" and then we argued about the Polish election where it is likely that a liberal party is going to get in and open the doors wide for immigration. Destroying Polish culture.

This world is such a joke.

I feel so much resentment and disgust and anger at all this.

My own life reflected onto the world and vice-versa.

Hate it. Done with it.

I did not ask for any of this to happen. I was to pay off my debts and take some trips out of the country to see if settling in Poland or a place like Mexico would be possible for me. Or someplace in the European Union.

That seems like its out the window. Broke and bankrupt.

It is so easy to question the mercy, compassion and existence of "God" with all this.

And it is so difficult to imagine myself being God but that is what the audiobook is telling me. That I create these situations for myself. That with love in my heart for who I am would reflect onto the reality around me.

And yet, I remember so well what my goals were. 

I did NOT ASK FOR THIS.

I will paint a picture of what I would like to experience. Millions of dollars in my bank account and then surprising Karlee at the beach in Tootgarook with a big smile on my face. Money enough to pay for legal fees in her divorce and possibly buying her a home so she has a place to live.

I don't know what else I envision after that. I would like to live someplace warm and beautiful with good and kind people. Some place that isn't being taken over by "wokeness" and all the culture destroying garbage that ideology brings with it.

I know the clock is ticking each and every day that is wasted where I do the same thing over and over with no momentum being created. No dream being pursued. No hope in sight.

I can hear a dog barking in the distance. That same dog barks almost constantly. CONSTANTLY.

No peace. No quiet.

No privacy. No independence.

No dreams no goals.

Little faith.

"Oh ye, of little faith"

If but only I had the faith of a mustard seed I could move mountains and do more than what Yeshua did. According to his words.

I am questioning religion as I should and always have. I don't think he was Jewish. I am skeptical of his miracles only because they cannot be verified and it would be easy to mythologize him into becoming a God-like being worthy of being deified so that people would see themselves as separate and unable to achieve what he did because of how high of a level he reached. 

"I and the Father are one."

"Are you not sons and daughters of the Most High?"

"Verily I say onto you that ye are Gods."

"Be still and know that I am God."

And then we get into the Gnostic gospels where basically it says in the Apocrypha of John that these bodies of ours are fleshy prisons and Yeshua came here to teach us the way out of this Satanic place. Claiming that the ruler of this world is Satan. An idea shared and supported by the Cathars who were ruthlessly exterminated by the Vatican for believing such. Despite how peaceful and loved they were.

One thing that I think is true is each and every one of us is an individuated unit of the Creator. As such, we share in his ability to create that which we desire in this physical reality.

I keep thinking of that sign on the park bench. "Someone is watching you."

Someone is watching me.

Maybe I shouldn't have been praying to God. Maybe I should have been praying to myself. Praying to humanity, actually, knowing that all success and happiness in life comes through from the relationships we have with other people.

As AC said on his deathbed, "I am perplexed".

All this studying of mine for years and I don't seem to have it figured out by now. 

All I know is that I am a good man at heart who has made mistakes. Who has suffered.

Mother is coming back downstairs again. I hear her footsteps.

Probably looking to check up on my heating up the lasagna and whether or not I made garlic bread like she told me to.

Sick of it.

So sick of it.

I was right. She did come to check on the lasagna. Did come to tell me to make the garlic bread and "stand by it so it doesn't burn!"

Like I am a fucking idiot. She is the one who doesn't use dish soap so the bottom of these pans are often greasy and will smoke.

So tired of all this.

Either my life gets taken away from me or a new one begins.

What will it be God? Or...

What will it be David? Since I am God?

It is so hard to find faith these days. In myself, in the world, in the future.

Yet I still have some hope. Some faith that can't completely be eradicated.

But it's not much. 

In the environment I'm living in, I can't cultivate any hope or energy within myself.

I just want to be out of here. For good. 

There are many that are suffering in this place along with me. I can feel and see them out there.

It brings me no solace to know that.

But I am in prison. I feel like I have been captured and malevolent spirits are laughing at me on the other side of the veil.

The same ones that fkd it all up for me more than a year ago.

I now understand the importance of protecting myself psychically. No wonder I never want to be in this house. With my mother who has no filter on her. Who farts and yawns and leaves little hairs on my towel that I have to constantly wash off whenever I'm putting in or taking out my contact lenses.

So fucking tired of it.

Something needs to change. *I* need to change. 

At the same time, I can't see myself getting a regular job. What's the point? Slave away for shekels so that *maybe* two years from now I can afford to leave this place and then what? Shitty credit, no way of buying even simple things. Like stuff on Amazon with a credit card.

I see the mountain before me and I want it to move the fuck out of the way.

Yes, I am angry. I am bitter. I am resentful. 

But I also know that I have much to offer the world and that I have the capacity to love and be loved once I am able to again love myself.

It is true that I was once prideful. I loved how my mind worked. 

But that's now gone. I understand why I felt that way, being hard of hearing and feeling unattractive and unloved and wanting to prove my worth. Sometimes being arrogant because people weren't seeing what I was seeing.

I don't know what to do but I know what type of conversation I will be having once I am on the other side. 

I will remember people like Karlee who suffers from type 1 diabetes and lives with an abusive husband and two ADHD kids that punch holes in the wall and run out wildly into the street. Keeping her up at night. Constantly having to be watched and monitored.

The absolute stress of it all for her. Yet, she is still going. Still has faith.

Not sure in what.

My mother is coming downstairs again.

Fuck this place.

I'm done.