Last night, was the greatest night of my life.
A goddess revealed herself to me, and I in turn.
Words are somewhat failing me at this moment, and I'm really not sure what I should be writing about. All I know, is that something deeply sacred passed between a man and a woman on the evening of January 31st, 2017.
Fola's first sleepover.
It was funny how.. "the path" or.. "the plan" unfolded over the course of the day. We texted each other like mad, and then.. small things added up around me that made getting the house ready for her arrival to be completely effortless. All sorts of coincidences and.. well, grace, I suppose, had..
(sighs) I sound like a complete nutter don't I?
To those who have no idea what I am talking about, and of course I am well aware that this is a private blog so clearly I am talking to my fictional audience; know that love is fucking deep. DEEP.
I was in love, Fola was in love, and we..
We didn't make love, because she was on her period, but we did other stuff.
Hoo boy, writing about this is sparking up some memories. I feel partly like I should be leaving them alone, to be sacred and meaningful without having to write them down and possibly dilute their importance. I don't know why I'm compelled to write them now.
I guess.. To ensure I will never forget this night.
I first saw Fola drive up around 8pm while I was outside shovelling my walkway, I teased her by taking off my jacket and laying it on the snow-covered ground so she could walk on it and keep her feet.. heh, snow-free. She got a laugh out of that.
When inside, I showed her how to play Outlast, this survival horror game I had been playing before she came, and we got to talking and then..
Then we got to cuddling and watching the movie.
My living room had these nice red lights on, coming off this disco-bulb thing I had, and I switched on this other cool light projector which made it look like blue waves were coming from the top of the television.
And the movie.. my God.. Not only was it a revelation, but with her, with Fola, it was..
The..
Greatest thing ever.
The perfect choice for the first movie we've ever watched together.
Baraka is a spiritual film, with Dead Can Dance doing some of the soundtrack. I pointed out my observations to Fola about some of the tribal rituals going on, and stressed how different of a life these people must have in their day-to-day, and how happy some of them were for the simplicity of it.
And.. Man, I can't even do this night justice by writing it down. I really can't. I can't describe very well how it felt when she lightly stroked my back, or when I had her laying on the side on the couch with my arms around her.
So pedestrian in words. So mundane.
But it was anything but.
We went upstairs to bed, to put on.. heh.. Howard the Duck, and managed to get about 15 minutes through it before making out.
And God.. my God.. was it the best makeout session of my life.
Again, words fail me.
The.. energies in the air.. the give and take.. the movement of our lips and tongues... I remember sliding my tongue from the top of her mouth between her lip and teeth and exploring that cavity all the way around. It was.. it was like conventional kissing was thrown out the window. What we were having was something profoundly real and explorative. Not the typical romantic-movie kissing type stuff. Just..
Words are failing me.
Best part of our making out? OUR EYES WERE OPEN.
Mostly. But imagine that. Imagine passionately kissing another human being, and.. usually your eyes are closed, but then you crack them open and you see the other person looking at you too. In my experience, I would look at them for a bit and turn away or close my eyes again.
Not with Fola.
Dead on. Wide awake. No shame or.. aversion or..
Hesitation.
Doubt.. There was no doubt within us while we gazed into each others eyes. Touching each other. Smiling at each other.
I want to say right now, that I've found her. I've finally found the woman of my dreams.
And..
I could not have anticipated or expected that woman to be her.
A polyamorous married woman.
With a 2 year old daughter.
And she's black. Kind of a bit different than the white ex-Playboy model I had envisioned.
Life is full of surprises, thats for sure, and she is no exception.
I feel so.. inadequate in this post. Like.. I'm doing a terrible job explaining what we were both feeling. There was.. energetic roleplaying? I mean, how can I describe that? Heart-to-heart connection? Can't really figure out the best way to explain that either.
I just know that it was the greatest night of my life. There is no need for me to even pause and think about it to make sure I'm not being overly dramatic.
And..
Geez.. I don't know if I should keep writing about this. My fingers are.. slowing down to a crawl as I type. Its getting harder and harder to put words in here, despite so much having been left unsaid.
I can't distill this experience into words. I just can't.
And it was mutual. It wasn't only me that was feeling all this.
I.. felt unmasked.. alive... so did she...
Isis unveiled.. My goddess came to life.
And.. the next morning..
It was.. it was still.. there. Still magical. That feeling..
Grace. I felt it deep in my bones. This sort of blessedness. This.. repressed kind of hesitant gratitude that is swelling up in my core, threatening to erupt if I don't keep it tightly contained.
And now, I've just gotten off the phone with her and told her I was writing this post. I had the great idea of sharing it with her, so that means from this paragraph on, I'm going to be all self-conscious about what I'm writing.
Heh. Hi Fola. Mwah.
Yeah.. So, this is what I do. Work out my thoughts and feelings and try to make sense of them. Writing them all down really helps with perspective, as it kind of feels like I'm throwing a bunch of stuff into a pan, and shaking it loose so the gold flakes are the only things left. I know that doesn't make much sense, but I use this blog as a filter as well. Everyday life offers a lot of different things to think and wonder about, and not all of it is really interesting or important. Which is why when I get into the habit of writing about my day, I tend to become more attentive and aware of my surroundings and my actions. Mindfulness, you know? That shit works :D
Yep. This is a typical blog entry. I've got others where ex-girlfriends are mentioned, and there's been a few random other things, like movie reviews, short stories, poems. Adventures I've gone on, dates I've been on, stuff like that.
I'm thinking now about what you said to me on the phone when I could hear Larry in the background. That tone in your voice in the way you spoke to him.. Hmm. You already know how analytical I am, and how I pick up on things, and that tone said something to me about your feelings for him.
And what I heard in his tone of voice, was something similar too.
I still remember that moment last night where you said something to the effect of, "what am I supposed to be doing with my marriage now?"
That really.. hmm. It.. was a profound thing for you to say. I was deeply touched by it. I wanted to give you a good answer, but I couldn't come up with one. I don't want the responsibility of making those kind of choices for you. I feel hesitant even just to give advice.
But I was deeply touched, because that meant..
Hmm. Words failing... again.
I guess it means that you.. see a long future ahead of us. That you desire a long future for us.
And damn, girl. I want the same.
I want what you want.
And I want it for the rest of my life.
It doesn't take a genius to figure out what I'm saying.
So, now you know that about me, and I can't possibly ask you to.. change, or to.. no, yeah.. change. I can't ask you to change.
I can't ask you to become monogamous. I can't ask you to get divorced. I can't ask you to have my child, at least not right now -- and..
That's just the way it's going to have to be. It's you that has to make those choices. I can't make them for you. I don't want the burden of those choices weighing down on me.
Yeah. Fola, you are the .. best thing thats ever happened to me.
And.. I've prepared myself against the possibility of losing you. At least, in all the breakups and bad relationships I've gone through. So, I don't feel afraid.
But I do sometimes get..
Hmm.
I get.. attached, I suppose. And thats one of my fears. To crave you. To want you so bad that I would stand outside your place of work at the same time each morning, just to watch you walk in. To wait for you at the end of the shift. To.. fill up as many hours of my day with you by my side. That's what I'm trying not to.. become. That guy. Someone who is obsessed, and needy and jealous and possessive.
This blog post is actually a bad indication of how well I can write, by the way. I don't care much about any spelling or grammar mistakes, or how nicely sentences all flow together. The point of all this isn't to impress anyone, but to understand who I am and what I want from life.
I told you my two greatest desires.
Now, I've only got one left to realize.
You might want to listen to "Be here now" and pay attention to those lyrics.
Its our song, remember? Heh.
Believe in me, and I will believe in you.
Until the end of time.
I can actually promise that if you can.
Because there is no other man on this planet who could possibly feel the same way I do towards you.
So..
Heh. I can't believe I said I was going to email you this...
But.. Something is telling me to do just that.
I owe you a peek at what goes on inside my head. Raw and unfiltered.
This is it.
My blog was started in 2005. There are about 300 entries. I wasn't always regularly writing down my thoughts, and I skipped 2008 entirely. It wasn't until 2016 did I really take it seriously, and I have about 172 posts for that year alone.
Hmm.. I know I don't have to send you this post, that I can send you a different one, so I'm going to end it here right now, go downstairs and have a smoke; and then ask myself if this is what I should be sending. Because, I don't know what you're going to say. I don't want to.. turn you off somehow, or.. have you think of me in a different light that might not be a good light to have.. I don't know.
But.. chances are good I'll be sending you this entry. Because if we are meant to be together for the rest of our lives.
If we are meant to be...
Then sending you this isn't going to prevent that from happening.
Right? :)
Smoke time.
