Alarming post title, isn't it? Haha.
Yes, last night the thrill was kinda gone-ish with Fola and I. Just last night though, and just my own feelings. Not too sure about hers.
It's been a week since I last came to confession, so, I'll spit it all out.
We're still soulmates. I still love her. She still loves me.
We still look each other in the eye while making out.
But, things are taking an interesting turn. Or have taken an interesting turn last night. There was nothing gradual about what lead up to it, it was yesterday and yesterday alone when I felt that the "spark" kind of dissipated between us. At least the spark I felt for her.
And that's okay. Curious. But okay. I've grown to accept by this point, that everything happens for a reason and to try and stay true to my feelings and honour the authenticity of who I am and what I need and want from life and relationships.
What happened was, is Fola invited me over for dinner for the first time, and her husband Larry and her sister Sade was there. Kind of a last-minute surprise, since I expected just her and her husband would be at work, etc. Of course, her daughter Ivy and their dog Zoey as well.
Great meal. She made a Nigerian stew, which had Basamati (sp?) long-grain rice, with this really nice flavourful red sauce and spiced chicken to go with it. Cayenne pepper was a godsend with this meal. Kind of was missing a salad or a third element, and oddly, Larry was the only one who had spinach on his plate. Didn't have a bowl of it nearby or anything for other people to have. Kinda strange.
Zoey, the hyper-intelligent German Shepard seemed to really calm down when I arrived. She usually barks like mad whenever strange men are around, or men in general as Fola has told me. Even Larry gets barked at by Zoey, and he lives with her. Not too much with me. We're slowly becoming friends, it seems.
Eventually Larry left, and Sade and I spend twenty minutes or so together looking at houses/duplexes. She's interested in buying, and I managed to find her a nice place that both of us were excited about seeing. Fola was upstairs putting Ivy to bed, giving her a bath, etc.
I really like Sade. She has the best laugh, and looking into her eyes I could feel something similar to what Fola and I have. That deep familiarity. That, "I know you from someplace, and I love you but I can't say anything because that would be weird" look.
Sitting next to Sade while we were looking at houses, I could feel this.. nice glow coming out of my chest. That thing has been "activated" more than a few times while I was with Fola. Apparently its the "heart chakra" being active; whatever the hell that means or involves.
So, she then leaves and its Fola and I on the living room couch watching The Pyramid Code with subtitles on. I was happy she was okay with subs because I hate missing words due to my shitty hearing.
Somehow, the subject of monogamy came up and that is where things took an interesting turn.
Fola doesn't want to be monogamous, and I although I was only being honest about my perspective, she really seemed deeply offended in a way. Even though I was trying to be as gentle and considerate and inoffensive as possible.
It's true, I want her all to myself. Nothing wrong with that, is there? Why should I have to worry about her husband Larry coming home early while we are having sex, or why can't I wake up to her each morning rather than see her once every few days?
How can our relationship really build on itself and carry momentum, when she is seeing other people? And I'm not?
It's like we're deliberately out of sync, and not by my decision either. I tried telling her to imagine a glass of water where the glass represents an entire week. Every time she is physically intimate with another person, she has to take a gulp. So, Larry, Jess, Rob, whoever she sleeps with is "draining" this glass, and by the time she gets to me, there's only so much water left to give. I am not getting the full glass, is what I was trying to make my point as being. Even though I am coming to her with my full glass, if that makes any sense. So, lop-sided.
Kind of hard to build a meaningful relationship when you dilute your feelings by spreading them across multiple people. Not feelings in general, but just intimacy. Sexual energy is a powerful thing. A bonding tool. Or a weapon, if you would consider its seriousness further than merely "getting laid".
I told Fola that although I am not thrilled about her being polyamorous, I also am unwilling to demand anything of her. I don't want her to change. She has to want to change herself. I am able to deal with the way our relationship is, although I made it perfectly clear that I don't think this is the optimal way of going about developing our connection together. Kind of like reading from five different books. You never get to finish an entire book, and your focus is scattered.
Or maybe you do get to finish a book, but it would take a much longer time than it would had you just focused on one at a time.
Same deal.
So, we had our big conversations about this subject and other things upstairs in bed later, and.. there was this wedge kind of thing between us. Mainly coming from her, I found, rather than myself. I wanted to be physically intimate, but she was saying that she didn't "feel" like it right now. That's fine, but again, maybe she just.. had her "fill" earlier, and that sexual energy just wasn't there. Also, she still was bothered by my expressing how I think monogamy is important.
Hmph. I know I'm not trying to be an asshole and hurt her feelings, but thats my honest belief. Monogamy is best. Being poly might be good in your 20s when you're just finding your place in the world and don't want to be constrained/limited in your search for "the one", but what happens when you DO find the one? Do you continue seeing other people? Or do you grow up and dedicate yourself to making a life with the other person? Settle down, have kids, get married, etc.
I really think Fola needs to grow up. Hate to say it, but I do. She's only 31, still pretty young, but definitely on the cusp of needing to come about to mature understandings about who she is and what she wants/needs from life and what she deserves and is willing to offer to another human being, etc.
She openly admitted she was selfish. I told her that was okay. Being selfish or selfless are bad things only when they get too far towards either extreme. Too much selfishness and too much selflessness are each impediments to developing harmony and balance within oneself.
Got to meet in the middle when it comes to personal development. Same goes for relationships. I'm not going to change myself completely to accommodate her, and I don't expect her to do the same thing either. I love her exactly the way she is, and if she loves me, then she loves me for exactly the way I am as well. Opposing views and all.
So, why is the thrill gone? Well, I tried being intimate last night and had a few bits of personal arousal, took her bra off, touched her naughty bits, but... yeah, didn't happen. So therefore, we didn't have sex or anything. Again, that's totally okay. It's also the first time that this sort of thing has happened with us.
Another thing I told her, is that nothing is set in stone as far as beliefs go. I told her that maybe in time she will become monogamous; or maybe in time, I will become polyamorous. I really don't know where our paths will lead us, but I imagine it would be mutually beneficial for the two of us. Even if neither of us budge on our differing points of view.
Everything happens for a reason. Everything is going according to plan.
We're going through growing pains at the moment, and that's expected and normal in a new relationship. Feeling each other out, seeing what we're willing to compromise on and change/accommodate.
Figuring out who we are and what we truly value.
Fola and I have the same values, even if we have different beliefs. Truth, love and beauty. The original trinity is something we each revere and desire. Monogamy and polyamory, well, thats another thing altogether.
One thing that bothered me last night, was how Fola seemed upset about the idea of my using a vapourizer inside the house. It's just water vapor, but she asked me that if we lived together, would I be smoking inside the house? She seemed really concerned about the subject and made it sound like it was a "deal-breaker" to which I had to laugh. Would you REALLY ditch your soulmate because they smoke inside the house? REALLY? I found it so hard to believe that she wouldn't give me a free pass even if I should decide to smoke indoors, but I told her I wouldn't. Especially if there are kids around and especially if it was tobacco smoke. I'd always go outside for that, and also, I was hoping that by the time we do end up living together, I wouldn't be smoking anymore anyways.
But vaping.. yeesh. Who cares about water vapour in the air. Fola was more concerned about nicotine being blown about, but I had to reassure her by saying that its usually all absorbed in the lungs before being exhaled. That seemed to calm her down a bit.
Well, that was last night. It ended with hearing Zoey bark, and Larry coming home from a "date" with another girl, and the door to the guest room we were in, was knocked and that was that. Had to go home.
I hated the way we ended things. I don't like the situation we're in where I have to be mindful of the fact that she has a husband, and that her husband expects her to sleep in bed with him and not me at the end of the day. Really sucks. I would... love it if I could wake up each morning and see her face.
See her every day.
Hmph.
Everything happens for a reason, and this is one of the hilarious ironies of my life.
I always knew someone up there was laughing at me. I'm the butt of a grand cosmic joke.
But you know something?
I love it.
I'm laughing at it along with the universe, and all those that are watching these events unfold. The plan unfolding.
I'm laughing and I love it.
Because now I know there is a God.
And he has good things planned for me.
I just need to buckle up and hold on.
I'll get there someday.
And I'll be high-fiving whoever is behind all this.
Or whatever.
Maybe it's just me.
Eventually, I'll figure it out.
Until then.
Enjoy the show.
