Fact or fiction? You decide.
The premise: I am a part of some kind of "plan" that is shifting variables around and drawing situations to me. Leading to where? Who knows where.
So, today, Fola came over unexpectedly for a visit and told me she might have contacted an STD on Monday from her tryst with this girl and the girl's boyfriend. So she had to go get tested today, with results coming in this Monday.
Now, what is interesting is the variables. Let me explain. I'm actually too giddy to think straight, so this is probably just all nonsense.
Wednesday was that weird day when Fola invited me over for supper. I think I wrote about it, but I'm not completely sure. Anyways, to recap, her husband Larry and her sister was there, eventually they both left and we went upstairs to lay on the bed in the guest room.
Oh, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.
Prior to going upstairs, we were on the couch, and Fola's dog Zoey would for some odd reason, whine/bark whenever I tried to kiss Fola. Or to engage in anything sexual. Keep in mind, that I was hoping for some sexual action that night. But, something was really strange with Zoey. She kept.. interrupting once things began picking up momentum.
So, we go upstairs. No dog there. Now we should be free to get things going, right?
No. For some strange reason, Fola just wasn't "in the mood". At the time, I attributed it to the conversation we had earlier about what I thought of her being polyamorous. And how I don't want to get regularly tested for STDs because she's sleeping with other people, and that STDs are a real concern, and yada yada.
Interesting, huh?
Something strange is afoot, and its not a sinister force either. It seems like a benevolent one. It IS a benevolent one, I'm sure of it.
The conversation we had about STDs/polyamory, her dog acting up and us not having sex that evening; that all happened for a reason.
The thing is, all this would be especially weird if on Monday Fola does test positive for an STD. If that is the case, than it would appear that the universe was looking out for me.
If not, then.. Hmm. Still, it was prescient timing to have our STD/polyamory discussion when we did.
See, I don't think Fola should be sleeping around like she does. She claims she's picky, but still, you sleep with one couple who also sleeps with other people, and those other people are sleeping with other people, so in a way, you've had sex with 30 or more people just by having sex once with a poly couple.
Yes, she used protection, but apparently this particular STD can be transmitted orally, so.. she did give that guy a blowjob. Even though she said it was a brief period of time.
Also, we did kiss since Monday, so there is still a chance I could have picked it up. We'll see what the results will end up being.
The universe works in mysterious ways, indeed. I hesitate to use the word God, because I honestly don't know what is responsible for these small synchronicities that have occurred in the past while.
I do know something though. I love Fola. We're fated to be together. So this might all be part of the process of laying down the foundation for that to happen.
I confess, its.. going to be a bit of a journey. A big ask. She has to renounce her poly ways and get a divorce. I don't think there's any other way around it if we are truly meant to be together.
I hate saying and thinking about stuff like this. It kind of bothers me to know that stuff is happening behind the scenes to bring about an outcome that I'd actually like to have happen. Because, a part of me feels like its manipulative. But then again, everything and everyone is being manipulated by someone or something. The only question is, is it a beneficial form of manipulation? And so far, from how it has been going in the (almost) month that I've known Fola for, and even for a good part of my life now that I look back on it with fresh eyes; I really do believe good things are happening, even if they appear to be bad. I know her husband Larry is furious with her right now, and thats just the STD. He was mad at her a few days ago too, when I came over that evening and we were both in the bedroom when he arrived home.
Seems like they're fighting more frequently lately. Ugly business yes, but most likely necessary business as well.
I feel.. a little guilty at feeling excitement in typing all this. Thinking that the universe is conspiring to make us come together. To bring about the best possible outcome for everybody. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I still sort of do. I don't want to celebrate what looks like bad news, even though it likely will lead to something that is of positive benefit.
Such a catch-22. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
So, maybe, I will.. no. I will have to restrain my jubilation. My mounting curiosity and excitement. I still have to accept that nothing is set in stone, and that there are no guarantees in life other than death and taxes. I still need to accept that I am only a beggar having been given a twenty-dollar bill after having been broke for years. I still need to remember my roots, and how much hardship and heartbreak I've faced to get to where I am now.
I still need to remind myself that the war has not yet been won. That is has barely gotten started, and that my role in this is all yet to be determined. As will my spoils. Should I be entitled to any.
We'll just have to wait and see, I suppose.
But, I am encouraged by what is happening, that is for sure. Change is apparent, and appears to be moving quickly. Each day brings a little something new to the table. A little tweak, a little different thing to wonder about, or to learn of. Always something, as long as I am able to pay attention and keep mindful of what is going on around me.
And to continue expressing gratitude for what I have been given so far. And have been given in the past. Life. This opportunity of being alive on this planet, is the greatest gift of them all. Everything else is icing on the cake.
And I'm really enjoying the icing right now.
Just hope I get to have more of it.
And the opportunity to express my gratitude to the powers that be, which enabled for all this to happen.
This gift of life is truly the most precious thing there is. Even in dark times, when depression and anger and fear and all sorts of negativity appears to present itself; there is always an opportunity to right the ship. To steer it in a new direction. To take faith that it is going the correct way, even if it does not appear to be the case.
I believe everyone has his or her plan that has been destined for them since birth. We only need the courage to trust in it. Faith counts for nothing, if in trying times it is abandoned. Or even in prosperous times.
That what does not kill us, can only make us stronger.
From the hottest of fires, our lumps of charcoal will become diamonds. Glittering in the world. A living testament to our strength of character and belief.
I think..
Yeah.
God exists.
I... I've suffered enough.
It's time for good things now.
And I'm willing to receive them. To earn them. To hold onto them and never take them for granted.
Because I have seen what happens when I lose sight of myself. When I retreat into my shell. Pissed off at the world. Hurt. Angry. Despondent.
There was no easy solution for me to get to this point. No shortcut. I had to suffer the things that I did, so that I could be prepared for the good things to come to me down the line. Otherwise I would not appreciate them as much as I do. They would no longer be looked at, as blessings. But rather, entitlements. Or, lucky coincidences.
There is no such thing as luck.
Preparation meets opportunity.
And I have become prepared.
And I will try my best to be deserving of all that I have been given.
Once I figure out the best way I can possibly do that.
(sighs)
Listen to me, I sound like such a chump. But.. Yeah. I didn't think I would end up like this. One step removed from being a bible-thumper almost. An evangelist. That's.. not who I am.. I just believe in a force or power greater than myself that loves people. That loves this planet. That MADE this planet and everything on it.
A power that flows through each and every one of us. Living and inert beings.
A power that transcends time and space.
Call it what you will.
It exists.
