My blog is.. sort of getting neglected. I could write about the flea market today, about the movie I took my mom to see (John Wick 2) and how she got lost and ended up watching ten minutes of Fifty Shades Darker (cringes) but..
Man, am I ever in love.
LOVE, baby. LOVE.
Saw Fola Saturday, she stayed over. Saw her Sunday morning, and now we'll be seeing each other Monday night.
It's ridiculous.
I never thought soul mates existed. When my cousin Mark was engaged to be married to Jannette (now his wife), I kind of took a double-take. I know he was dating beautiful looking women, and Jannette was really average, and a bit overweight. So, when he phoned me one day those years ago telling me the news, I had to ask him, "are you sure?". Because we already had a cousin (Greg) who went through a divorce after a few years, and there's been a few divorces in our family.
So, Mark heard my question and just said, "I'm sure. I've never been more sure."
"How do you know?" I asked. I was really concerned.
And he just said, "You just know. You know!"
And it never clicked with me back then. I just shrugged it off and shook my head on the other end of the phone. Yeah, okay, so you "know". And I then spent the next few years dating and not finding this supposed soulmate of mine.
But I finally did.
It's.. I never thought anyone would top Gina. But, someone did. And more so than I expected. Fola is spiritual, sexual, inquisitive, beautiful. She's got the stuff that I wished Gina had.
Well, Gina was beautiful in her own way, but a part of me is wondering how much of that might have been a facade. Just a, "I have to act THIS way towards him so that he'll think I'm worth being with."
(sighs) .. Trina at the flea market saw a picture of Fola and said she was beautiful and I just blurted out with agreement, saying how lucky I was.
I am lucky.
But there is no such thing as luck, actually. Gina was my turning point. Rather than crawl up into a ball and die from depression; I.. just shrugged it off. I didn't allow myself to become sad. Did I get sad? Sure. But I never ran away from it. I didn't try to suppress it very much. I knew I was sad, and that was fine, because.. well, that is exactly how I felt. Why deny the authenticity of my feelings?
And there was no.. hate or despair or self-loathing.. regret, sure. Maybe.. ok, maybe a bit of self-loathing, but generally that breakup was dramatically different than the other breakups I've been in.
I think.. well, my.. my dating life has lead up to Fola. It prepared me. The things I know about her and the type of girl she is, are things that might have confused and bewildered me in the past. But looking back, I could see all the small steps leading towards her. The black girlfriend I had once, removed all the mystique from dating a person of colour. The handful of women who were into BDSM, removed the hesitation I felt about that particular aspect of sex. I learned to become more assertive, both in the bedroom and outside of it. I learned how to have good sex. How to please my partner. What it takes to be a good boyfriend. How much confidence I am allowed to have before it turns into ignorant pride. I learned what women really want, and what it means to be a man. What compassion means. How to handle small children. All these things.. They all added up and prepared me.
But.. (sighs) .. Well, I have her, but she's married. Now what?
Again, I am the butt of a grand cosmic joke, that I'm sure of.
I suppose things will work out eventually. But I really don't know what the future has in store. I don't know what the plan is.
And I'm constantly awaiting the next big surprise, and constantly being surprised day by day with the attitude I am facing it.
Perseverance. Strength. Wisdom. Compassion. Knowledge.
All these things have been developed in me. Things that I may not have had, had I not gone through all these heartbreaks.
And.. it's amazing, really. How... Fola just arrived when I needed her the most. How she was always near to me, but I never suspected just how close she was. In the same city as I was. On OkCupid, as I was. Despite her being married.
Had she not been poly, we may not have met. But I'm sure, we would've somehow. One way or another.
So, I have to imagine that this is meant to be. We're meant to be together.
But, yeah. I am tempted to think or imagine the worse and prepare myself against it. Such as the possibility of losing her. Or.. Never getting married to her, or never having a child by her.
I don't know what the future has in store for us.
But, it brought us together, so that means something. I don't think it means I need to learn a particular lesson, but.. Maybe I still do. And maybe she does too.
I really don't know.
But.. I am happy. Like.. Just waking up in bed with her, and I feel so refreshed. So alive and switched on that I'm somewhat amazed at how we rejuvenate each other. Can't get enough of her. She can't seem to get enough of me either.
Again, it's pretty amazing.
But I also have to accept that relationships are transitory. One of us is going to die before the other, at some point in time. It may be next week, next month, next year, or not for a few more decades.
I don't know.
Nobody does. Nobody human, that is.
And.. what a can of theosophical/philosophical/spiritual worms this all presents.
This serendipity. These movements through phases of my life. They all served a purpose. They all made me into who I am today.
I remember on eHarmony getting a question from someone, asking me what I would change about something in my past. And why. I answered, "nothing, because I wouldn't be who I am today without having gone through those experiences."
And that's exactly the right answer.
I am who I am today, because of what I've gone through.
I just hope.. this all lasts. I really want it to. I want to go a couple of decades with her. Have a kid. Get married. Grow old together.
I really want it to last.
But.. I can't demand anything. I refuse to. I will ask. I will pray, but I will not demand it.
I can only request it, and cross my fingers.
Because I believe it now. There is a higher purpose, a higher intelligence out there and I am this pawn, or this rook, this king, knight, bishop, whatever... I am an integral part of everything. And everything is fitting together in exactly the right way.
I am seeing a plan unfolding that doesn't just involve me, but other people. Both in my life and outside of it.
My mom is improving. My soul is healing. I am seeing more and more couples on the streets walking around holding hands. More people smiling. More people making jokes.
The world is already becoming a better place, even if I think I may be imagining it all.
Confirmation bias is a helluva drug.
Mm.
New day tomorrow.
I'm excited.
Excited to see what it will bring.
(sighs)
Love, baby.
Love.
