Blah blah blah.
Oh, hey. Didn't see you there. Don't mind me, just muttering to myself.
Demons by the National is on my headphones right now. Coffee on my right.
Ugly looking ashtray with a smoking cigarette on my left.
Why, David? Why did you suddenly "wake up" so early and not feel tired?
Because my imaginary friend; I simply do not feel tired at all. So why force myself to sleep?
Part of me is wondering what is going on with this. The scientist in me is thinking in terms of one set of possibilities, all physiological; the abstract/spiritual/intuitive side, is suggesting other things.
As time marches on, I'm beginning to realize the abstract is more real, than reality is sometimes. If that makes any sense.
What comes to mind for me right now, is ancestral memory. The idea of learning from past generations within your own species, by means of heredity in terms of DNA, etc. Kind of like Assassin's Creed, actually.
What does ancestral memory have to do with my waking up at this ungodly early hour?
Because, something deep inside of me is telling me that it is necessary. I can't rationalize why that is, but intuitively I know it must be. Because after all, I am awake for a reason. It's not because I was startled by some noise, or I'm stressed out, or anything superficial or arbitrary as physiological causes would go.
Often times, the body follows the mind. Not the other way around. Fola and I somewhat discussed a bit of this last night, how the mind affects the body more than we think, and things like cancer is a manifestation of spiritual distress. This is a simplification of the (her) argument that was brought up; as there are several factors that play into how cancer is developed. It's not as easy as saying it's karma-related. There's more going on than that.
So, looks like I potentially could have gonnehera. Fola actually tested positive, not negative, as she revealed to me last night. Fucking doctors and their incompetence. There's a whole story about the doctor she was seeing, but I'm not going to get into it. Three tests, blood/urine + swab were taken, with two out of the three posting negative results. The swab coming back positive.
Looks like today I'm going to have to get tested and see if I might have this shit.
Fucking polyamory, non-mongamous bullshit. We got into discussing a bunch of that last night too. Said a lot of good things about how I feel on the subject.
"If we ever get married, we can write it into our oaths that you have my permission to sleep with as many women as you'd like. But when it comes to guys, I'd rather just be your only one."
Things like that. I believe that marriage is a contract with negotiations involved. You each should tack onto your own provisions and special demands/requests.
I can let Fola sleep with a guy who isn't me, provided it's like.. once every three months or something like that. But, then again, why would she want to? That's the part I don't get. She then asked how monogamy would work if she was "unfulfilled" in the relationship, and that part didn't make sense to me either. This is in terms of marriage, so why would you marry someone who doesn't fulfil you? If they do, would you want to sleep with other people? If you truly love each other, wouldn't you only want them? I think it's completely naive to suggest that it's possible to love multiple people all at once, and we broke this down as well in our talks. Physical intimacy is a sacred act. Sex is an act of procreation and joyous expression. It's not about some guy putting a ball gag in your mouth and blowing a load in your ass before you mop up and drive home to snuggle in bed next to your husband.
Fuck that.
And fuck her. Still. If she is going to persist in thinking non-monogamy is okay, within a committed and loving relationship.
Fucking Fola. Sighs. Still love her though, as I found last night. I stared deep into her soul, wanting to reach out and touch her hand, to kiss her, to be kissed by her, touched by her.
And nope. Not much of that happened. As I said I would. And as I predicted.
Two really good hugs were exchanged. When she came inside and asked, "can I have a hug?" and when she left. Great hugs. Perfect hugs. Heart to heart hugs.
That's it. No kisses. No groping. No making bedroom eyes at each other.
Fucking hell, I don't like this kind of relationship. She doesn't understand how much it fucking hurts for her to have to leave me because, "it's getting late and I have to go home", and I get to sit in my quiet bed, all lonely as fuck, while she is with some other dude that's not me. In a house that isn't mine. Looking after a kid and a dog.
Me? I'm alone and I hate it. I have none of those things. She does, and that is what she doesn't understand about why I'm upset about our "relationship". I'm not getting a damn thing from it, and she gets to pick my brain and take whatever she wants from me before leaving. Goddamn vulture.
And that's okay. Brakes are being pumped, and I don't plan on seeing her/talking to her much from this point on. I told her not to expect us to get back together soon, and I meant it. We're broken up. She can suck as many dicks as she want and I'm not going to bat an eye next time she picks up another STD from someplace and come around moaning about it.
Immature. Reckless. Irresponsible. Dumb. Clueless. Hypocritical.
All qualities of the woman I love.
Yesterday was quite a surprise. Made her blackened chicken with corn on the cob and rice, and we just sat and talked. Fola actually wasn't angry at all like she was with me the night previous. Quite a refreshing change. She actually listened to me, and I felt somewhat at ease in speaking my mind.
That's the way it ought to be.
But, yeah. We're not going to be getting back together anytime soon. She's not going to change overnight.
Also, she wanted me to read some book on polyamory so I could better understand the issue. I agreed, but felt insulted inside. I already told her my thoughts on the issue. Polyamory is all well and good in your 20s, but you can't actually "love" multiple people at once. Why is that? Because what you think is "love" really isn't.
I should ask her if she "loves" the guy with the big dick that she occasionally sees. That's polyamory right?
No, wait. Fola changed it from poly to non-monogamy now. She'll probably always change her mind whenever it suits her.
Sighs. Yeah, I'm figuring things out now. My job here at the moment, is to show her what love really is. I get it now. I have to be able to bring her up and understand that love is a spectrum. It is not black and white. The Greeks have five different words for love, after all, and to make a blanket statement of "I love...(insert food/pet/song/person here)" is disingenuous, irresponsible and highly uninformed and lacking in self-awareness and understanding of what it actually is supposed to be.
Some of the words in the English language sucks. They're pretty inadequate and overly used. Often in the wrong ways, too.
Wish people would think more before they speak. Be precise and firm and clear and unambiguous and thoughtful about what they're saying. Not throw shit out like a shotgun blast with a wide spread. Pin-point sniper rifle accuracy is what people should be aiming for in conversations that are personal and dealing with deep and important topics.
No margin for error. Lazy, half-formed thoughts should be admitted to be such. Total honesty and respect for one another. No offence or fucks given. That's how it ought to be.
Sighs. I can have such a potty mouth whenever I get worked up about things like this, and that's fine. At least I'm using profanity when I'm actually passionate about something, and not sling them around like I've seen some people do, who insert a fuck into every sentence of their conversation. Sheesh. Less is more, dummy. Be mindful of the power that words have. Don't overdo it.
Well, what a journey this has been. Last night as Fola left, I just fucking cried. Sat at my dining room table and felt her going away to a home that isn't here. The last thing I remember is the big smile she walked out with. Courtesy of yours truly, who helped place it there.
Fucking joke this all is. It really is. I'm coming about to realize certain understandings and truths and I can only nod my head and say, yup, this is all completely necessary even if it is aggravating to deal with.
My job here, is to show Fola what love is? Okay. Mission accepted. It's going to be tricky, but I think I can do it.
What is her job? Hmm. I remember her once telling me that it could involve my seeing polyamory as a legitimate form of relationship. I had to laugh at that, and I seriously doubt this is the actual task she has to accomplish with me.
Saying all that is making me think of the idea of soul contracts. Things we agree that we will do and experience before we incarnate into new bodies. Yeah, this nonsense makes my head spin, but I'm pretty sure this nonsense exists also.
Except, it means accepting a bunch of strange ideas. Parallel universes, worlds. Simulation theory. Holographic theory. I can't decide which is which just yet. I haven't much confidence in any of these and I have a bunch of confidence in them. If that makes any sense.
It's like the explanation is staring me blue in the face, but my eyes are averted from it.
Can't quite understand what I'm not quite looking at, you know?
Hmm. Humilation by the National is on right now. Sounds appropriately titled. I should check the lyrics.
"Tunnel vision lights my way"
"Lead a little life today"
"As the free-fall advances, I'm the moron who dances"
Yeah.
So appropriate.
