She was at a rave party last night, and, yeah.
See, the thing about this "relationship" I'm in, is that it feels so one-sided and unfulfilled. Well, maybe not soooo unfulfilled, but unfulfilled regardless. She has her own life, she has her own family, and.. I don't. Not really. I'm the monogamous guy who is willing to commit to her, and she is the opposite. No monogamy. No commitment. She can't even decide what her "thing" is, going from "polyamory" to what she told me on the phone last night, "non-monogamous".
How the hell am I supposed to introduce her to my mother? "Hey mom, this is Fola. She's married, and has a kid, but we're sleeping together. That's okay though, she's 'non-monogamous' and yeah, we probably won't get married or have a kid; but I'm going to stop dating other girls because she's the right one for me."
What a load of... ahaha.. (points up) Yeah, cosmic joke again.
Well, whatever. I'm just going to accept this for what it is, and.. well.. just take things as they come. Do I want to get married and have kids and expect my wife to be monogamous? Yeah, of course. But I'm not going to demand it. And not of her. She has to willingly be wanting those things as much as I do.
The Leading Bird by Marketa Irglova just came on over my headphones. Terrific song. Lyrics are very appropriate right now.
So, I'm really doing a poor job of keeping my blog updated with my thoughts and going-ons lately. Particularly with Fola, as she is.. I'm sort of embarrassed to admit; the most important thing in my life at the moment.
I wonder if I'm the same to her, but I doubt it. She won't even hold my hand in public. Her moods are fickle. One day she's grumpy and restrained, and when I start to pull back a bit and slow down my affections for her; she grows more warmer, and expressive with herself. I get little emoticon hearts in my texts when she feels like I'm pulling away or losing interest in her.
It's a gong show, I tell you. Being involved with this type of "progressive" woman who thinks its okay to support the 80 pronoun bill of legislation that mandates university professors like Jordan Peterson to address people by whatever of those 80 made up words they desire to be called by. And then fining or throwing his ass in jail if he doesn't comply. He or She simply aren't good enough. Got to use Ze, and Zer,. Fola of course, thinks its okay! People should be called whatever they want.
I can see where her sentiments lie, and I appreciate the intent behind them. But at the same time, they are naive and characteristic of a matriarchal rule where everyone is coddled and talked down to like babies in distress. Comply or die. Particularly if you are a white male who represents the patriarchy of which despite most of the progress our civilization has made because of ambitious white males; they're still oppressive and their time has come. Ironically, I am a white male that Fola is sleeping with. Odd how she's accepted my patriarchal ways but not "the" patriarchy in general. Such crock.
Fola represents exactly the mindset of most millennial and liberal types that are all about inclusiveness, free love, and destruction of traditions that have served humanity well, even if they are somewhat flawed and need to be updated.
(sighs) I'm not going to go into a detailed rant on exactly what those traditions are, and yada yada. Fola.. hates labels and having to wear a ring on her finger because she's "marked" by it. Yet, she's fine with taking a vow of monogamy and getting married and then breaking those vows as if they were no thang. Then has the gall to say that marriage is a dumb idea in general because of the divorce rate, etc. Yeah, it is a dumb idea, when you are NOT abiding by the oath you have each sworn. It's a dumb idea when you get married young and have no idea what you want from life, or if your partner is even the right one for you. It's dumb when you think getting married is something everyone should do, and you feel pressured enough to go through with it. It's dumb for a lot of reasons that have little to do with the original intention behind the concept. That's what irritates me. If you think marriage is such a dumb idea and that wearing rings are dumb; then why are you married? Shouldn't oaths matter? Shouldn't marriage be more than just a piece of paper and a sign of commitment to the one you love? I'd think so. But then again, I haven't been married, so maybe I am being completely naive about what its supposed to be for.
So now, I'm thinking I need to break Fola's grip on me. Or just loosen it up somewhat. I have to.. I can't just commit myself to someone who doesn't want to commit to me, can I? Is that.. really what I want? It's not. But, a deep part of myself is telling me to stick it out and that maybe she will change her views somehow. Maybe she will respect where I am coming from. Maybe she will get divorced and take a chance with me. I don't know. But accepting that possibility means also to accept the opposite. That she will never do any of those things.
I honestly don't know how good my chances are with her. I personally think we are a pretty good match. Probably a perfect match, even. And this friction between us will abate over a long enough period of time. Again, I don't know if that will happen either. In the way I would like it to.
So, there are definitely forces in play here. That envelope was left on my car while Fola and I went grocery shopping on Wednesday together. I still have yet to check the website, but I do know that she didn't get this envelope, and nobody else seemed to when I checked their windshields.
And of course, Fola found it interesting that when we walked in and she asked me what did I need, I said "toilet paper". And what happens while we were pushing the cart around? A bundle of toilet paper was just laying on the ground in our path. Clearly someone dropped it, but I picked it up and put it in the cart with a smirk. Fola was impressed.
Small stuff like that seems to be happening quite a bit. And yeah, I haven't been keeping this blog updated as well as I would like to.
Oh, and here is our grocery photo.
Why do I feel like such a chump being taken for a ride? Again, I don't know. But I do know that I should stop stressing out about it and just relax. It is a ride, after all, and who knows. Maybe it will end sooner than expected, or maybe it will last indefinitely. I don't know. Maybe we'll get married, and maybe we won't. I don't know. Maybe she'll have a child by me someday. I don't know that either.
Who the fuck knows.
I'm going to be trusting my higher self and the universe on this. This is at the moment, the flow of least resistance. I'm just happy not to have to be on any dating sites talking to random girls who are shallow and have little to offer. At least in the proportion of what I would be able to offer them.
Even though Fola hasn't given me everything I've wanted, I'm still happy with her. Although I'm reminded at times that "Larry" is going to be coming home soon, and that means its my time to leave. Or that she is still interested in seeing and having sex with other people that aren't me. Not an easy thing to live with, but so far I'm doing okay.
Talk about a clash of ideology, this is managed chaos at its finest. Absolute Yin & Yang, where two complementary energies are more so or less living in a harmonious way.
More or less.
And the universe apparently approves of our union, so, there's that as well. Got to keep on keeping on. It's all I can do right now until something or someone comes along to push me into a different direction.
Until then, I will persevere and endure.
And learn. Learn as much as I can from all this. Appreciate all of our good moments, and try to minimize the bad ones.
But, yeah. I need my own life. I can't make her my sole focus.
I...
I kind of deserve better, don't I?
At the same time, this is exactly what I deserve and have asked for. Except it's not going to happen all at once. It's a process of unfoldment. All good things come to he who waits, and my issues with Fola is as much an integral part of this process as anything else.
My patience is being tested, as is my compassion and other things. So, I can't complain when I know I am becoming a better person. This is exactly what needs to happen, at this exact time. I refuse to pull away from it, or deny the necessity of it all.
I will continue following the plan.
To my death, if possible.
Which hopefully, won't be for a long long time.
(crosses fingers)
Oh, universe.
You've got quite the sense of humour.
