It started actually yesterday morning, when we first met at the Witchery festival and as I was walking up and saw her, I felt compelled to give her a hug and she responded with this awkward embrace that somewhat irked me. It was as if I was a nuisance or pest of some kind. But, I shrugged it off, and we went inside.
It was a pretty good time. Small area, but some interesting items and people inside of it. One lady who I bought a chunk of Amethyst from, engaged me in conversation and we got onto the topic of mindfulness, to which I recommended she read up on Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" which I think is a pretty good book. Dude speaks like a robot, but damn, is he ever living in the moment.
Also passed on a tip, suggesting she keeps a blog or journal going. Just to help with the whole idea of being "present" and focusing on the good things that happen each day. Told her that's pretty much the reason why I keep my blog, to slow my days down and examine my thoughts. As they say, the unexamined life is not worth living.
Anyways, after this festival, Fola and I checked out the Junque Cellar where I got myself a pretty cool sweater and a book (The Hermetica), and she was insistent that I drive her to her car from my car, so we walked over to where I was parked and as she got in, I found it hilarious that my car was a bit of a cluttered mess. I wasn't expecting anyone in the passenger seat, so I had a bunch of stuff sitting on there that I planned on giving to my mom, and some stuff like a box of kleenex, coupons, things like that. Fola was immediately surprised when she saw all this, and I laughed, saying that she probably thought I was an OCD neat freak when I really wasn't. My house matters more to me than my car, thats for sure.
With that all done, she had to go to work and I putted about Bonnie Doon mall for a bit. All the HMVs are closing, so they had a sale there. Picked up a sweet set of Virtual Reality glasses for my mom at the stupidly low price of twenty bucks. Couple shirts from there too, 12 bucks a piece and I then went to a store that Fola suggested which sold a bunch of New Age stuff. Turns out, everything in there was 50% off, so I snagged a few things, like this sweet Thoth statue:
From there, I was supposed to meet my mom for dim sum, but she delayed it by an hour, and because I wasn't willing to hang out in the city for another two hours; I decided to drop off those glasses I got for her and then take off for home.
Later in the evening, I told Fola about how I felt that she didn't love me. That I didn't feel loved by her. And I felt like I had a strong case going for myself. Her reluctance to hug or kiss me while out in public was the thing that kickstarted all this nonsense, and I ended up getting an email from her this morning about ... (sighs) a whole bunch of dumb complaints.
She doesn't want to touch or kiss in public. She doesn't like how I was suspicious of this hypnotherapist guy she emailed and how he invited her out for lunch (or supper) without ever having met her. Dude was probably single, I figured, and looking to get something going. I also didn't appreciate seeing in his email that he was inspired by Carlos Castaneda, because I don't believe that guy was truthful at all about anything he wrote. His whole thing is a sham. A clever and inspiring one, to be sure, but a sham nonetheless. It doesn't help either that he was in multiple relationships after publishing these books, and his partners were claiming abuse and control issues by him. So, yeah. Castaneda isn't exactly the kind of author I would put trust into. And neither would I trust someone who was "inspired" by his work, because it suggests a level of naivety that potentially is dangerous. Wouldn't want Fola to be influenced or manipulated by someone who doesn't "get it".
So.. Pfbt. Now this email she wrote me.. Well, it was a powder keg. I told her I wasn't going to respond. And explained why. Now we have this weirdness going, where she knows I love her and want to be with her, but now its becoming more and more apparent that she does not love me, and was using me all along.
And, that's fine. I'll just pack up my toys and go home if that is the case. Don't need that kind of bullshit. Even if she is my soulmate, or whatever.
I'm actually confident enough to live my life without her, even if she might be convinced otherwise and thinks I'm wrapped around her little finger. Clinging on for dear life.
Nope.
I remember one of my lessons. Never live your life for another woman. Put yourself first. Put YOUR best interests at heart, first, and then worry about other people.
So, thats what I'm going to be doing. Putting my best interests first.
I don't need Fola. I want her, and I want her to love me in the way I'm loving her; but I'm not going to pressure her to do that. Nor am I going to make demands or suggestions that she should, if she genuinely doesn't feel that way. It ain't my bag, baby.
So, as of this moment, I'm actually prepared to move on. Don't need drama or stress in my life. And if my soulmate is unwilling to work with me to solve our issues; then so be it. Good bye, and see you in the next life.
Or whenever she decides to grow up and be ready for what I'd like to offer her.
Otherwise, no sweat off my back if she is unwilling or not ready.
I can wait. Plan is still in motion. Life is still being kind to me. My day was pretty good for the most part, without talking to her much. I've pimped out my bedroom a bit, by hanging up that tapestry I got and hanging up another one that I haven't found a place for. Check this out.
Sweet goodness. And here it is with the light from the speaker.
That's some serious Feng Shui I got going on for sure. Love how it all looks. Can't really think of much else I can do to improve on that. Maybe a third tapestry on the left, who knows.
And.. now, Fola and I are texting and despite my attempts to steer the conversation away from our issues; she really is adamant about dealing with them. So, looks like I'll be meeting her tonight for some kind of shit show, probably. Not that I actually care whats going to happen. Either way'll be fine by me.
See, I really like this about myself. This confidence in knowing that I can walk away any time from her, or any woman who wants to put me under her thumb; and not give a fuck afterwards. Such a huge step up from how I once was, where I would mope about it and take things personally. Glad that seems to be all going away.
Whatever happens, happens.
That's my motto.
And whatever happens, is exactly what needs to happen. Even if it might be the worst thing to happen.
I'm prepared to deal with whatever it might end up being. Probably will blog about this tomorrow, since I doubt this will be any less than monumental and a critical juncture in our relationship.
Comes down to pretty much whether or not she's ready to give me what I need from her. Love. To be loved by her when I'm giving her all of mine; is not an unreasonable thing to be wanting. I'm patient. It doesn't have to happen overnight. But I do need to know it will happen at some point. I need to see steps being taken. Effort being made. Not just words. Actions will always speak louder than words.
So, yeah.
Fuck her if she won't love me. But if she wants to, and is simply not ready...
Then I can wait.
I've been waiting a long ass time.
