Hey, guess what blog? Fola and I are done!
Yep, we ended things last.. Oh, wait. No. I actually stormed out of the McDonalds we met at, ignored her phone calls and went home. But, I don't plan on seeing her again. So I suppose we did end things, but more like, *I* ended things. And that felt pretty damn good if you ask me.
Why would it feel good about losing my soulmate? 'Cause she's a.. Hmm. Bitch was the first word that came to mind, but I don't know if it is the right one. She's young, immature, completely insensitive and unwilling to work at making our relationship into a happy one. She would rather fight and argue than to listen to reason, and be reasonable.
So, it's done. And hell, I feel fine.
Kind of a long story, and I'm not thrilled about having to remember all the details so I can write them down here, so I'm not sure if I should. Still sipping on my coffee and having a cigarette while I mull over how I'm going to be doing this.
This.. is an uncomfortable thing to admit, but Fola.. Doesn't seem like a good person to me.
It's one of these intuitive things. Where someone pretends something on the surface, but inside they are exactly the opposite of what they're trying to show. I think Fola is one of those people, who put on this.. mentality, I guess I should say, of her thinking that she is adjusted and is in tune with the world. Sensitive. Compassionate. Wise. Progressive. Take your pick, it's all a sham.
A sham I tells ya.
Funny how with the intense fight we were having yesterday over text, she would not budge. It was our first official month together and I was trying my best not to let it affect our moods; but hey, she started it with that email, and wouldn't let up. No matter how much I tried.
She wanted a fight, she got it. But she really underestimated my spirit and capability to systematically pick her argument apart until they're nothing but a series of petty points coming from a mind that is unable to formulate a rational defence of them, and also, a mind unable to even articulate these so-called points.
In short, it was easy to "win" this argument we were having with her. Even if Fola would be saying that I didn't win anything, and that it is not about winning and that winning is an egotistical thing and yada yada.
Don't give a shit what she thinks. She's gone. Buh-bye. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
But, guess what?
I'm still #winning.
The most appropriate songs to be listening to at this moment, is "Hard to Find" by the National. Followed by "10th Circle of Winnipeg" by Venetian Snares.
Well, the world isn't quite over according to Venetian Snares. Not by a long shot.
But Fola's world certainly seems to be, now that I'm no longer willing to be a part of it.
I'll miss her daughter Ivy, and her dog Zoey; but, I will be fine without them. Without her.
There is a real darkness around this woman. I had to think about this carefully on the way home, and asked myself that if she was my soulmate, why was she this way? Why was she so angry over nothing? And I literally mean nothing, as I've accounted for each and every one of her grievances and explained each of them to her. Even if she exaggerated a few of her complaints. Such as me "groping" her ass in public. Ahem, I did not grope your ass. And besides, there was no one around inside of the store we were in to see my giving her a brief tickle of her butt while she bent over looking at some book. She can't take a little playful, flirtatious behaviour? Well, fuck you then. All worried about your personal boundaries when you've had my dick in your mouth. Give me a break.
(sighs) .. I really am not angry. More disappointed than anything, at the moment. Guess she wasn't ready, and I was right. She's in this relationship with me for either the wrong reasons, or she's not ready. And now I'm thinking it's both. She's not ready and is in all this for the wrong reasons.
What did I want from this relationship, she asked? Love, I said. Just want to be loved. That's it. Don't care if you never get divorced if we don't have kids. If I don't feel loved by you, then I'm hasta la vista, baby. Ain't nobody got time for dat shit.
Why waste my time and energy on someone that doesn't appreciate it? I'm not a goddamn slave. I should be getting stuff back, and all I ask for, is.. well, love. Actually, I'm not even asking for it. I need it. That's why I'm in this relationship. Not for sex. Or friendship. Love. Not an unreasonable thing to be wanting, is it?
Still kind of love her actually. But it's at a much lesser intensity than it was. And that's fine by me. No remorse, or guilt on my part, and I'm sure Fola is going to be having a hard time dealing with those things over the next little while. Her own personal hell, as she explains to her sister and Larry why I'm not seeing her anymore.
I wonder what explanation will she come up with. Because I didn't leave her with anything. She tried to pull the "control" card on me towards the end there; saying that if I left and walked away, then it was still me trying to "control" her. And I had to laugh, because there would be no way I would *win* on those terms. I'd always be trying to "control" her. Me being the patriarchy, its what we do best. Oppressing and enslaving women. Of course it's all about me trying to control her. (rolls eyes)
It's amazing how thick-headed and clueless she was. How incapable of compassion and sensitivity she is. I really would love to post the entirety of our text conversation yesterday, but that stuff would fill a small pamphlet. I will be saving it all and keeping it someplace secure, of course. Just for posterity's sake. I don't want to forget any of all this, and this truly has been a pivotal moment in my life. And hers, as well.
She's looked that gift horse in the mouth much too deeply and longer than she needed to, and I'm pretty offended by that. Was even more offended when she suggested I enjoyed hurting people, which is what made me storm out of the McDonalds. That was the second time she's made the implication, and it was the second time I took grave offense. As I should be. No apologies from her both of these times, either. Figures. She would never give me a proper apology, and tried to act all butt hurt when I told her...
(sighs) never mind. It doesn't matter. What happened last night had to happen, and I played my part well. I had reasonable arguments, backed up with facts and she basically had fucking nothing. It was like a full house going up against a pair of uhm, deuces. Shit hand. She wasn't going to bluff me with that crap.
And she didn't. Had this been a game of poker, I went all-in and won the pot.
And you know what? All this felt really fucking easy. I was so surprised. I thought maybe I would have a hard time last night in making sure I didn't mess up somehow. But, it really wasn't that hard. I said exactly what I needed to say, in the best possible way, with no room for ambiguity. Any third person listening in, would probably have taken my side, because who would agree with someone who responds with a shrug of indifference and a, "I dunno" when it comes to my asking her why she was so angry and upset with me the past 24 hours.
"I dunno," *shrug*
When I left that place after she insulted me for the last time, I dropped off a gift for our monthiversary on the hood of her car. It was a coffee mug with Gustav Klimt's "The Kiss" on it. I had originally bought it in the summer at the Edmonton art gallery, but didn't know what to do with it. I thought at one point I would be giving it to Gina, so I wrapped it up and never really was able to do that. It wasn't until yesterday at the Junque Cellar when Fola was admiring a tea set with Klimt and Van Gogh pictures; that I knew she would be getting this teacup.
"You don't like those ones there?" I asked her, as she was admiring them.
"I want the one with the Kiss" she says, even going so far as asking the cashier if she had it. No, she responded, that was the last of their stock.
Inside, I was smiling, knowing that I already had this cup at home in my closet, waiting for the perfect time to be given away. Little did I know, it would be the very next day.
Our monthiversary. One month together. I can't believe how slow and how long those 30 days have come and went. This is easily the most intense of any relationship I've ever been involved with. Including Lauren. We..
(sighs)
Time for a cigarette break. Not sure what else I want to write here.
These pathetic texts... Swear to God, thats not how you win anybody back...
Haven't checked my voice mail to see what the two messages she left were. Really don't give a shit, but I will have to check them eventually. I imagine they suck about as bad those texts. How does sending me a link to a song solve anything? Is that your way of saying sorry? Pathetic. You wound the fuck out of me and you think a link to a song I've already heard is going to fix things? Good luck. Take your cluelessness elsewhere.
After all I've said, after all I've been wanting to offer her, after all we've shared together; thats the best she could come up with. As Trump would say, "Sad!"
Sad, indeed.
Fola told me once about how in December, she started making it a goal of hers to attract love and magic into her life. To feel unconditional love. Well, I told her, she got it with me. I was willing to give her love, and magic was happening around us regardless. The Northern Lights comes to mind.
Wasn't enough for her. And that's not my problem. She got what she asked for, and I didn't. All I wanted was to be loved by the woman of my dreams.
Whoever she is.
Wherever she is.
...
Driving home last night.. I started thinking of Gina, again.
God.. I..
I miss her.
I haven't forgotten her. I haven't stopped loving her, even though I hadn't thought of her in a little while.
Fola asked me if I could love someone who didn't love me back, and I said after a long pause, "yes, yes I could. And I have."
Asking her further questions, revealed that she has no idea what love really is. Even though she's married and claims to love her husband. She doesn't know. I tried explaining to her that since I was eight years older, I had more a head start and insight into this kind of thing. In the past, what I thought was love was at a level much lower than it is now. Dating as much as I have, it began to show me where love really was on the hierarchy of feelings. There were times when I *thought* I loved someone, but time later proved it wrong. I now know where the bar is for that. It's up here (mimes with hands) and not down here (double mimes) like it is with Fola.
Fola doesn't love me. I'm 100% sure of it. Well, maybe 99%. I'll give her 1% of my doubt, even though that might actually be too generous of a number.
Well.. it's a new day, a new dawn and a new life.
And I'm feeling good.
Not sure where I'm going to be going next. But so far it has been working out.
Wish I could feel more excited, but I know in time I will be.
I've managed to leave this relationship with my dignity intact. Can't say the same for Fola.
So.
I've won.
#stillwinning
bitches.
