Lightest Duty

(groans) what a week my blog, what a week.

Again, so much has happened that I can't possibly describe it all.

Let's start with the most important thing, no, not Fola, but work.

I got gassed at my job last Wednesday. I was up on top of a tower with my partner Bruce when I started to smell something funny. It wasn't funny to laugh at, but funny enough to scrunch my face and yell at Bruce to get down all the ladders to get away from the smell.

As we reached the halfway point, I look at Bruce and notice him checking out his gas monitor which was blinking a menacing red. I remember almost losing my grip on the way down due to how overwhelming it all smelled and how invasive it was to be caught in this gas, and here was my partner, dawdling looking at his monitor like he had all the time in the world to scrutinize it. Pissed me off.

We were then met at the same level by two other coworkers who also were feeling the effects of this gas and also had their monitors blinking red. Our only exit was the stairs, and Miles Copeland told us all not to go down there and that we should find another way out. We ended up scrambling around cable trays looking for another way down, eventually finding one and then crossing a three-foot gap from about fifty feet or more from the ground.

We got to the ground, no alarms were going off in the unit (and eventually the next unit over did have alarms going because of it) and gathered together with our coworkers, some of whom were spitting and nauseous. One of them (Ethel) actually became wobbly on her feet and nearly fell to the ground had it not been for people around her who saw what was happening.

We waited 20 minutes for the ambulance to arrive. I felt my chest was tight, the disgusting stench still in my nostrils and fatigue/headache setting in.

Eventually the ambulance arrives and took five of us to the hospital, where we were kept under observation and eventually discharged.

There's more detail to all of this, including the BS that went on with my being threatened with "severe repercussions" if I didn't come in, despite a doctor's note saying I shouldn't, but that is being logged elsewhere and is a story best left for another time.

I will get into what happened today at work.

Yesterday, I called in saying that I wasn't going to come in. I couldn't get much sleep and I slept through my alarm and I also didn't have my workboots, which were thrown away as "contaminated" by the hospital staff.

The shift supervisor, Barry, then told me to call Gerald the safety guy to repeat my reasons as to why I wasn't coming in. I was so fatigued and tired and mindful of how they threatened me to come in despite my note; that I didn't want any drama and decided not to call.

I then went to see the doctor at the walk-in clinic. He said I should be on light-duty. Fine. Called Gerald after this, and told him what happened. I didn't want any drama, so I told him I was taking a "personal" day rather than have to jump through the hoops of it being recorded as a lost-time incident. I just wanted my time off to recover and to get my boots and get a second opinion from the doctor, which by the way, the site physician told me to "take it easy" when I saw him on Thursday rather than make any recommendations or suggestions on what I should be doing to recover from the headaches and fever and chest pain, etc.

So, this morning had me in Gerald's office where I handed him my doctor's note for last week (which didn't matter), the light-duty form from the doctor yesterday and the receipts I had for the contaminated clothing I had to replace, which was at a total of $461.91. Crazy number, but Gerald didn't bat an eye at it.

Sat around for most of the morning while they figured out what to do with me. Learned from other people what the five of us (who were hospitalized) have been up to and feeling.

First off was Ethel and Lee. They were placed back into the Coker unit, unbelievably without protest, where an alarm went off and sent them into a panic. Refusing then not to work in that unit, which had them transferred to another crew. It also had Lee taking the day off early so he could see a psychologist.

Second in the day, was Miles. He complained about the stress and how scary it all was and how he had headaches and nausea over the weekend. But did he consult with his doctor or put his foot down and demand not to be placed back into the coker unit? No, he did not, and I was very disappointed when I found out his reasons why.

Turns out, he hates the idea of hand-outs. Of being coddled. He does not want to stay home and get money for nothing. Nor does he want to be on light-duty or thought of as "weak". I thought those were terrible reasons because this incident was the sole responsibility and fault of our employer and could have resulted in more severe consequences had we not evacuated the area in time.

I tried to get Miles to think about his health, mentally and physically and to consider getting it recorded by a family doctor. He looked depressed and closed-off and then told me that this incident was only "the tip of the iceberg" compared to everything else going on in his life at the moment. He felt that "routine" by working and forgetting everything, was the solution to his ills.

That's three of the five. The next was Danny Yim, he didn't show up today. I'm not sure what his story is.

Later on, I would talk to my partner Bruce, who not only got the details of our location wrong (platform 14 instead of 19), but like Miles, didn't want to report any injuries or trauma, despite also suffering from headaches and nausea over the weekend. Telling me that his wife and daughter were shocked by his story and that he now "knew" what to do differently in this situation. The non-chalance about his having to work again on the coker, made me a bit upset. Who the hell would want to go back there where alarms didn't go off, ambulance response time was long and over 50ppm of H2S was reported on one of our monitors? What kind of a dummy would brush that all off?

He then told me about how he once fell off a scaffold a fair distance and cut his wrist. He then didn't report it, despite there being no edge rails and being a clear violation of safety standards. He smiled as he told me how he climbed back on the ladder to continue what he was doing. Like he was showing the scaffold who's "boss".

Depressing. Depressing as hell. These people aren't self-aware enough to know that when their health has been jeopardized and their safety compromised due to negligance, or the disrespect of management to place them back at their jobs; they make the rest of us look bad. Like this incident wasn't a big deal. Exactly what management wants to play it as. But it was a big deal. A HUGE deal. So much so that in the safety meeting today, they glossed over the incident, saying it was under investigation and that they didn't want to give specifics because they didn't have any to give. It was bullshit. I knew it was and have already heard what went wrong. Stone-walling and stalling, until finally this guy at my table, Trevor, yelled out "you guys really fucked this up" to which we heard an "excuse me?" from a Suncor rep, and he replied, "you guys really fucked up. Big time." loudly.

I smiled inside. The Suncor rep nodded at him, and one guy jokingly gave him the new nickname of "Big Balls" Trevor. Joking that he was going to be the first to be laid off.

It's a terrible situation I'm in. They have me cutting bands in the shop for light duty. Two weeks of this. And likely by the end of it, I'll be laid off or close to being laid off. They've been talking about this for a while now.

And.. I don't know what's going to happen at the end. I do have these headaches, I don't feel them as much in the morning, but they build up over the day. The tightness in my chest, that is present with me too.

I really want to write a detailed report of all this garbage. I really do want Suncor to be held accountable. I don't feel safe working at a refinery anymore. Not when this is the way they look after our own safety. It used to be that every accident or incident is the fault of careless workers, who should have noted the "hazard" on their FLRA cards and put in controls to manage it.

Well, how the heck do we manage a computer malfunction that ended up causing a gas explosion? How do we manage for alarms that didn't go off? Emergency not being contacted immediately and an ambulance being sent right away?

How?

Anyways, blog. I'm now cutting bands with this old guy who loves to hunt. He's grumpy and... sighs.. I'm not looking forward to two weeks of this.

I hate this job. I dislike my career.

I need to move on to something else.

But... I have no means of doing so.

I'm on fumes... paycheque to paycheque.

I'm hurting.

And Fola.. well.. more knives in my chest with that one. She's in Nanaimo with her family this week and I'm looking after her sister's cat Guimo.

I'm... again... lied to. Mislead. She said we were going to go to BC this year. We didn't.

We were supposed to go to Cuba this year. We didn't.

Three months ago was, "we should take a big trip soon" we didn't, and she ended up going to Boston and then Vancouver a few short weeks later. One for "work" related reasons which was bullshit. The other, too, was her having to go to a Shaman group meeting, but had her enjoying the sites and sounds of being in a new place and seeing the ocean, etc.

All those lies and false promises.

Getting sick of it my blog.

Really getting sick of it.

Yesterday had her talking about how she couldn't wait to go to Norway with me. I couldn't share her enthusiasm. I am still not forgetting how she promised we would go on a trip as soon as she got her pension money. Which she did, and spent already. I still haven't forgotten how she said she wanted to plan a trip and it was going to be a surprise...

And, fuck man.. she's left the province three times without me this year. And she wants to go to Brazil in the fall.

I am such a sucker.

I am.

I keep wanting to believe in love.

Instead, I am forced to disbelieve in it. I cannot trust her. She does not keep her word.

I'm tired, blog. Just wanted to jot this all down before I go to sleep.

So tired.

Good night.

Love you.

May tomorrow be a better day.

And the future that much brighter.

The Train Keeps a Rollin'

Hi blog, how are you? Yes, it has been a while hasn't it? Almost two months.

I thought about you off and on. Wanted to come here and post about the latest thing that is bothering me. Such as the drama between Fola, which is generally all that's really worth posting about I think.

She's sleeping in my bed right now. It's 3:30am and I have to go to work. Didn't have enough sleep, but I also couldn't sleep. Something about being in bed with her made me feel uncomfortable more than a few times that I decided to head downstairs, brew coffee and start typing.

Sighs. There is so much I haven't reported on. Her trip to Salem. The fight we had around there. Other fights. Other drama.

Right now, I'm dealing not with a fight, but a disconnect. It bothers me when she acts distant and distracted and last night was more of that.

When she gets that way, I start feeling less excited and interested in being with her.

What bothers me really, is the hypocrisy around our relationship. It wasn't too long ago when she said she would do her best to make this the most loving relationship she can. She hasn't. Not from what I saw last night and recently.

To be fair, she is starting a new job tomorrow and is nervous about it. I suppose I'm mentioning this because we haven't been intimate last night and I really wanted us to be.

When I sleep next to her, it feels like she's not even there. Its like she's a corpse. No warmth. No snuggling. No kisses. Touching her feels like nothing. Like, nothing is registering.

I find that I have to initiate most of the moments of intimacy that passes between us, and that is not good. Hugs, kisses... My attempts at keeping the spark alive doesn't seem to be met with much reciprocity. And that is not good either.

I don't know blog. That woman isn't giving me what I need. She is not keeping true to her word.

I've often wrote in the past about how much I want love in my life. A woman to love and be loved by and... this is not what I wanted. It is and it isn't. In our best moments, it can be, but only when mutual effort is put in. And even then, it feels more like my own efforts than it does for her.

A few days ago, she came over and I initiated sex. At first she was like, "I don't know. I kind of thought about sex before coming over, but I also didn't, I don't know... but you know what I mean."

No, I didn't know what she means. That ambivalence towards giving me something that I need and desire, doesn't help with getting me excited and motivated to please both her and myself.

It damages things.

And yet, she went through with it and it was great. It made no sense to voice doubts or complaints.

I think about the girl of my dreams and how we would spoon together in bed. How we would work to make each other laugh and smile and feel good. And I think of Georgina sometimes, and how she would do silly things like tie Darth Vadar to my bed, or decide to give me a blowjob in the kitchen for no apparent reason or effort on my part.

That's the kind of girl I want. The one that I know is acting to please me and is willing to be pleased by me.

And I don't quite understand why its not that way with Fola. It... She is complicated in a simple way. I think she's always had an issue with connecting emotionally with people. This isn't apparent until down the road, when one spends enough time with her.

I've seen how it is with her daughter. It almost feels like she starves Ivy of affection and attention in a way that makes her daughter craves it even more.

Kind of like what she is doing with me.

Turning us into slaves, I think, is an apt way of describing the effect of her unconscious behavior.

It seems that even with yesterday, when I try and do things perfectly. To please and excite her, I am not rewarded for my efforts. There is this wall or chasm she puts up that she will not take down between us. Despite being witness to the obvious attempt on my part to negate such things. To connect more fully and to bring more depth to our interactions.

It takes two to tango.

I don't know blog. I just don't know. About a week ago I received a spirit guide portrait I ordered through Etsy, done by a psychic in the UK. Costed me about 120$ for it, and I purchased two other readings by separate people so I could better triangulate information about whether or not I have a spirit guide or guides, assisting me through life.

And... It's inconclusive. The portrait I received showed a face of someone with plants/vines for hair.

That was the portrait one. The reading before that, told me that my guide was a woman and that she had an urgent message for me. The message was that Fola (not directly referenced by name) was working to spiritually undermine me.

Felt true enough to me. Whenever I'm in a good mood or feeling particularly connected to my higher-self and the world around me, she manages to tear it down and have me feel disoriented, confused and starved for validation.

The first reading I got, didn't impress me and offered little information beyond that my element is "fire" and that's really all I got among the general statements it made.

So, my triangulation was fruitless. I didn't find any contradictions between them and I didn't find much in common, either, apart from my guide being a woman.

Oh yeah, the second reading said my guide also had a message to me. Something about milking a cow and that "he will know what that means" and I clearly don't.

Yeah.. so.. Fola just texted asking me to go upstairs to cuddle with her.

The slave obeys.

Talk to you soon blog.

Love you.

Now, I must learn to love myself.

Knock, And The Door Shall Open

Holy heck, blog. Has today been an intellectual and spiritual whirlwind of realizations for me.

A few days ago I had the impulse to message a Reddit user. All I did was see this one message, posted in a thread that was discussing astral projection, I believe. Perhaps that wasn't even the topic. Regardless, I had the compulsion to message this fellow because there was something to the way he wrote his words that strongly resonated with me. On one level, it felt as if I was seeing myself. Another version of my own mind, right there in words. It wasn't the contents of his message that gripped me, but rather the way his mind structured the words. It reminded me of something primordial, almost archetypal, and it seemed like he was a fellow comrade that I needed to tip my hat towards.

So, I did just that, sent him a message, and the flood gates opened.

We have only exchanged three messages since then, but each were jam-packed full of information about our mutual interests. Egypt, astral projection, UFOs, the occult, magic, philosophy, etc, etc. I was overjoyed at how much was being reciprocated. I was further overjoyed, when I discovered that Brandon was only 26 years old. 26 and already thinking with clarity and maturity.

Hungry for information, I then fed it to him. All the stuff that came to my mind about UFOs, and Egypt and what have you.

And today, oh boy, did something ever happen.

He sent me a message this morning and I wrote a long reply to it, but Reddit had a character limit so I then offered my email address. Haven't heard back from him yet. But, what really is interesting, is that around a month ago I had stumbled across a CIA document from 1983 that discussed the military application of the techniques that Robert Monroe of the Monroe Institute devised for achieving out of body experiences, astral projection, healing, and traversing dimensions outside of our physical reality.

Brandon, in his last message, told me about his interest in astral projection and mentioned Monroe. Gave me a link to a Hemi-Sync YouTube video, which I listened to while in bed a few hours ago. It made me woozy. I shall need to further experiment with it and do more research.

As I was reading his description about astral projection and why he was interested in achieving it, something hit me.

That document! From about a month ago, that CIA document of which I had only read a few pages of, was triggered in my mind and I went to my phone to see where I had placed it. At the time I downloaded it, I briefly skimmed the opening segment and filed it away thinking I would return to it at my convenience. It wasn't until Brandon mentioned Monroe, that I listened to his YouTube video and went to read the entirety of this paper.

And boy, did it ever fuck my noggin hard.

It was so good.

I have spent the past two hours looking at this "short" 29 page document of which two very important pages were missing, but nonetheless, I was amazed by all of it.

For one, it has confirmed some of the theories I have about God and the Universe. It made mention of the Torus, which is the theoretical shape of the universe. I remembered coming across the Torus somehow, and in a moment of psychosis, wrote it down in a notebook (since discarded during my trip to Toronto last year). I stated with absolute confidence, that this is the shape of the universe. I had seen this in a dream. I am aware of seven dimensions and an 8th that encompasses it all into a whole. I had envisioned this shape, this Torus, and didn't know what it was until coming across it by random chance on a Wikipedia page. While the Torus I saw didn't quite match what the paper detailed, it was very close. Mine looked vaguely like an hourglass enclosed within a sphere, webbed with lines of energy and "dots" which seemed to move around the entire structure. Yesterday, I had read an article about 10 insights gained from an Ayahuasca experience, and one of those insights talked about, was how "dots" represented "love". Perhaps this is what I had seen. Love flowing all around and within the universe.

That was insight #1, the Torus. Incredible. And still amazing that I met Brandon, and he "triggered" me to remember I had this document on Monroe techniques and their evaluation. It is an awesome bit of synchroncity and I am excited to tell him about it once he emails me back.

Second insight, is that this paper pretty well "proves" the viability of astral-projection, and it further proves the existence of God. It really cemented some of the ideas I've had, and it solved a question I had been wondering about for a while. That question is what happens when we "reach" God after traversing/evolving through the seven dimensions? The answer it proposes, is that we merge with him. I had considered merging in the past and believed it, but I was somewhat frightened about the idea of losing my identity while doing so. This paper laid that fear to rest, and described that a soul would still have its autonomy and independence, but it would not be able to "create" or direct its "will". That was an interesting observation. So, while I would "merge" with this universal consciousness, I would not lose who I am as an individual. I however, would relinquish my will and powers of creation, in order to become an observer. That is what this paper suggested.

An observer. Would I be content with that? As I thought about this, I began to imagine myself being like the Sun. It doesn't actually "create" or "will" anything. It simply radiates its essence out to creation. To those that can create and will for themselves. It is likely aware of everything that it shines upon, in darkness and in light; but it has no capacity to really do anything other than what it does.

I don't know. Could I be content with a life like that? Then again, perhaps this total information and ultimate perception is an addictive and satisfying way of being. Imagine knowing everything about anyone and everything that is happening within the solar system or the galaxy. That is true knowledge. Ultimate perception. Perhaps it would be a wild thing to experience. Even if the Sun would be alive for millions of years... And yet, wouldn't there be much loneliness? Is knowledge enough? I don't know, but I will continue to be thinking about this.

Other ideas in the paper... Man.. THREE SECTIONS ARE MISSING. I was really on the edge of my seat, leaning into my phone as I followed section #34, which ended in explaining the Holy Trinity, I had always seen it as "Father/Son/Mother" or, "Yin/Yang/Inbetween"

Just Googled Yin/Yang to see if there was a word describing the separation between the two, as I vaguely recall that there is. Haven't found it yet, but I did find this lovely quote:

The Way begot one,
And the one, two;
Then the two begot three
And three, all else.

Another version of the Holy Trinity.

Mother/Father/Child.

The paper I was engrossed in, described "God" in secular terms and called it "The Absolute". It then described how the "son" was created, which is the Absolute projecting a portion of itself out, and then later being able to perceive it. Unfortunately, that is when the missing sections occurred, and I was not able to see what came about the third aspect of the Trinity. Which was such a cliffhanger and a let-down, as I hoovered up all this data.

It was an intense paper. Lots of care was put into the science behind it, and it really did focus on the viability of remote viewing/OBEs for military application. It concluded that it was viable, but required a lot of work to achieve. In 1983!! Imagine... Imagine if the commander who this paper was presented towards, decided that yes, this was a project worth undertaking. Let's get it going.

And it is now 2018. 35 years later.

35 years ago, this program could have been in operation.

In 35 years, so much progress may have been made. 35 years could also have meant a greater refinement of the Monroe techniques. 35 years means... Shit, it means that the military, or the CIA or whatever "shadow" Government with access to the program/data, could have acquired a lot of interesting information during that time. About how the universe works, and what our function is and ... God knows what else.

Aliens. Dammit. If this paper is indicative of the care and effort into researching strange phenomena and odd ideas; I really want to see the paper on aliens.

And whatever else that is being kept from me.

Makes me wonder if I would actually consent to giving up my power to choose and to use my will in order to gain the sum of all knowledge. I still don't know about that yet.

Perhaps I would have to be given a brief taste, before deciding.

And the rest of the paper.. It CONFIRMS THE LAW OF ATTRACTION. Theoretically, anyways. It doesn't actually offer real evidence, but it makes a sound theoretical case for thoughts being able to create reality. And this was decades before "the Secret" came out.

Shit. I really am a fool who thought himself wise whenever I argued with Fola about how to "correctly" use the "secret". I still have so much to learn. At the very least, my skepticism has moved from "confirmation bias" to "there is something here" and...

Man.. what else did I read about?

Healing. There is a good case being made for the ability to heal oneself. And there is an indirect case made for Reiki. I can't believe it. I am a fool for doubting Fola. She is on the right track with what she is doing.

Even if she doesn't understand it on an intellectual level or how best to use it.

And now, I am beginning to understand it.

Yin/Yang... Man...

I am slowly getting it. I am the rational guy that wants to believe and somewhat sorta does. She is the intuitive gal that definitely believes, but cannot explain it in terms that make it believable to others.

What a couple we make.

I am getting it. I am learning. My God...

And I had another insight earlier while reading this document. I know what my function is in our relationship.

I must bring order to chaos.

She is chaos. Chaotic, and it is my duty to balance it out. To organize it. To keep it from going to the extreme.

And in turn, she will keep me on edge with her intensity. Always providing me with things to organize and mull over.

I see it as knowledge. Organized knowledge. She is the accumulator. The gatherer, and I am the one who has to make sense of it all. So that others who are logically-minded, can benefit. Reason must not be sacrificed for intuition, and neither should intuition for reason. That balance is so crucial and it is an important goal to have and to teach once realized.

Balance. I just ordered a book called "Balancing Magic with Reason" and I already have "The Breakdown of Consciousness in the Bicameral mind" which proposes humanity having lived by the consciousness of God, and not by their own volition, thousands of years ago. That first book came to my attention by random chance today also.

This makes so much sense. I have to hold onto my skepticism and rely upon rationality, but to also keep an open mind and not wave away the craziness she often reports on. Such as feeling vibrations, and... visions...

She is crazy. And it is my job to keep her rational. To promote rationality.

And it is her job to promote and demonstrate faith.

I get it now.

What a couple we make. And we aren't talking. Last night I sent her two emails. One of them angry, the other more restrained. I said a bunch of things. Wanted to explain why I was angry at her last week (being called a molester, indirectly) and... the other email... well, it was more fatherly, I suppose. I can't quite remember everything I said in it. Lots of expressions of disappointment. Not stuff she would appreciate, I'm sure. Haven't heard back on any of those.

Oh, and she posted a video talking about us. About Twin Flames. I...

Yeah. I don't know.

I keep going between true Twin Flame and false Twin Flame, and... It makes sense that a true TF would help you to grow. You can't grow when you are comfortable and in deep synchroncity with someone, that conflict rarely arises between the two of you. That's what bliss is for. That happily ever after ending is not going to help anyone to evolve. It's nice to have, but it has to be earned.

And I feel that this is that process of improving ourselves and earning that outcome. In a way, she is my false Twin Flame that is preparing me for my true one. I think I am solving this riddle. All that pain and anger between us is necessary for us to grow. To evolve. And once we do, in this life, than I imagine we will be meeting our happily ever after, in the next one.

Or perhaps, it will be us. Maybe, once we evolve, we will become the happily ever after in the next life.

I don't know.

Maybe even in this one...

But, I do know that there is something going on with the world today. Some kind of consciousness raising effort is taking place. I am having these insights. Earlier today I imagined myself as a kind of ...

Man, never mind about that part.

We'll see.

And.. Yeah... I don't know what is going to happen with Fola and I right now. I don't think our drama is over with. I just hope it ends well.

I do hope for us to get back together and to be able to get along.

Yeah... I miss her. And I am also seeing the value of us spending time apart.

I get it now.

I just...

You know.. It really does come down to trusting God. Even if I never see her again, I have to accept that this was the divine plan for me. I don't like the idea of being lonely and unloved the rest of my days, but...

I don't like the but... even if this is all temporary, I still want to be loved. In this life. By someone like her.

And I would love her in turn.

I still do.

And... fuck, man. I am a dog begging at the table for scraps. Scraps that taste so good when I receive them.

And I suspect she... expects something of me. I think... I have to figure this part out. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I do remember what she was attracted towards when we first met.

Being in my own power. Taking charge. Making decisions.

Bringing order out of chaos.

Leading the way by my own light.

I must learn to take charge.

I must become a man.

I must fulfill my role in all this.

And so does she.

I hope God has this plan for us in this life.

I...

I love her.

I love Him. Or It.

I am starting to see the Truth of all that there is. It only took a few decades.

And I am not likely to completely realize all that I wish to know in this lifetime, and that's fine. I have acquired a satisfying amount of pieces to play with.

For now.

I must make use of this wisdom I have been given.

I must create the reality I desire.

I said in my last post, that only when I stop trying, can I admit to having failed.

I know what my desires are.

I will bring them into being.

No matter how much it hurts.

Because...

God is on my side.

And so are my spirits.

Thank you.

Carl.

If that is your real name.

😉44

The Adept and the Imp

Inspired last week by the story The Adept and the Imp; I came to realize a few important Truths in my journey towards God.

Occult Mysteries is a website that has a number of articles pertaining to the Occult, what it is, what it can be used for and how one may come to distinguish between Truth and falsehood.

My mind has been orbiting around this website since I had read the above story. There have been some pet-theories popping into my brain causing me to question the relationship I have been in with Fola.

Teacher and student. Master and disciple. Adept and initiate.

I'm... not entirely comfortable calling myself a Master by any means or stretch of the imagination, but I am acknowledging the teacher aspect of the equation.

She is willing to defer the responsibility of rational thinking and direction to a "higher" authority, which can mean shamans, gurus, psychics and YouTube personalities. That suggests a student mentality where she doesn't question, test, or come to conclusions on her own. Her joining and then withdrawing from the OTO, is proof of that.

I'm tired right now, blog. Have to go to work soon. Not really feeling it. Weather is gloomy out there and I'm feeling aches in my left elbow and a stiff neck with a stiff back. It's hard work, what I do for a living, and... it can be demoralizing as well, sometimes.

But, Occult Mysteries has given me a ray of hope. One of the articles I most liked on that site, is the one about trusting in God. No matter what may befall you. It echoes the article I wrote on Medium a few days ago, about boosting prayer.

I must heed onto the words that I speak, for they are empty and hollow if I do not live my life by the teachings I promote.

And so, I am... in flux. I feel... I miss her.

I miss Fola... and my heart is... telling me to... wait.

Just wait.

I believe that if she is serious about us. If she really wants to become a part of my life, then there are conditions to be met that she needs to adhere towards. Non-negotiable conditions. Such as respect, and honor and concern and selflessness.

If she is willing and serious, then I can only wait, and see what she will do to express her commitment to me. To us. Because, I cannot dictate it for her. She has to come to do that of her own volition. I will not make her. I will not instruct her.

Unless she asks me to.

But, she has to ask. She has to truly believe that there is much for the two of us to still do together. To learn and grow and become happy and more in our own power. To become the best each of us can be.

Teacher and pupil, alike.

So, blog. I am tired. I am weary. I am...

I am.

And I must learn to accept that.

That this is how things must be. For now. Until God instructs me otherwise.

Until I am directed elsewhere.

I have been directed before, and I will be directed again,

Right now, I can only wait. Even though it is painful.

Even though I think of her often. Negatively.

Maybe I should think of the good between us instead.

The way we'd lie next to each other in bed.

Looking into each other's eyes.

Sex.

Candles.

Touching.

Kissing.

...

I am not feeling particularly verbose today. I don't have much thoughts that I feel need to be written down and at the same time, I have a lot to write about.

But I am not feeling inspired enough to do so.

Therefore, I must wait.

Until...

The time is right.

Strings Still Attached

The pull is strong today. I am resisting it, and it's difficult.

Wanted to text her this:

http://www.occult-mysteries.org/occult-faq.html

But she likely won't care, or learn from any of it.

Wanted to send her this:

https://play.google.com/music/m/T3ngnndt6j3wdcsajyr7zuminxq?t=All_Together_Bonus_B_Side_-_Matthew_Good_Band

But, she'll probably read the lyrics the wrong way. And besides, it's a song for me, anyways.

All Together (B-Side)

Over the rainbow,
out over the lawn,
stretch out on this sleepless bed
and wait for your kingdom come.

Over the night-glow,
out under the stars,
a whole life to get perfect bliss,
just hanging on.

See, we've been nothing for far too long,
and I've been wondering what went wrong,
and, baby, if you can put me all together.

Out over the night-glow,
out over our loss,
a quiet to eat the world and
rest in strangers' arms.

See, we've been nothing for far too long
i've been wondering what went wrong
and, baby, if you can put me all together

...

Life goes on. More difficult than before.

But...

I don't know.

This is how it has to be.

Moving on Without Moving

It's tough. Today I'm really thinking about her and it's been negative for the most part.

I suppose my mind is attempting to rationalize the outburst I let out on Saturday. I find that I have no shortage of reasons to not be with that woman, and I have very few to be with her.

But, those very few reasons seem to exert their own gravitational pull. I can't deny that I love her. I can't deny how good it feels to be with her. At times.

I cannot ignore how intense our connection was, and still is, as I sit on the green grass leaning up against a large rock at Hermitage park.

It's a beautiful day outside. One that would be made better if I could spend it with someone worthwhile.

Someone who smiles at me with a twinkle in their eyes. Who reaches for my hand, or my arm, and leans over for a meaningful kiss.

Part of what this breakup difficult, is that I sometimes had close approximations of those feelings with her. Sometimes it was just right, and felt so good, that I miss being with her. To occasionally partake of such moments.

Ocassionally. Because it's rare. Rare moments that are not unlike the dog under the dining room table waiting patiently for scraps.

And I am not a dog.

I no longer consent to being treated like one.

And I think of her. What she is doing and feeling and thinking, and I feel this sad unknowing that it's either good or bad. But likely bad... I think...

What we've shared together, will stick in our memories and hearts. My anger will also. And I do not know if she will accept responsibility or if she will  brush it all away and continue going on making poor choices and following "signs" as she further corrupts her already corrupted self.

I love that woman, but I no longer can stand idly by and watch her destroy herself in the false pursuit of truth.

Which is tattooed on her wrist. This slogan that is hypocritically and permanently marked upon her.

Let Truth be her guide. Her intuition has proven itself wrong many times before, and I pray that something now will have changed. I pray she will realize the error of her ways. I pray for her to understand and know the difference between falsehood and fact, of good and evil. To know integrity and to honour that which is most important.

Love.

Money will not buy her love.

The OTO will not give her wisdom.

Angels, Ascended Masters, psychics, shamans and YouTube personalities will not grant her Truth.

It has to come from within herself. Not from outside.

Not even from me. All I can do is point the way. I cannot control her.

Though she often has told me she desires just that. And that is the lazy way out. That is the deflection of responsibility.

For she must achieve such glories and realizations on her own.

I love her.

I love you Fola.

But you must fix yourself.

You must try.

Listen to the voice within and reason with it once it speaks.

Then. And only then can you make the choice to fly with your heart, once you've discerned truth being spoken and not lies. Not false promises.

Once you decide to surrender to love and make that your highest priority, everything else will fall into place.

I believe in you. This is possible. Even if it may be very difficult to do.

If you believe in my love for you, you will try.

If you do not, then you shall remain the same.

Until the next we meet.

In this life or the next.

Veritas lux mea.

Truth is your light.

Done.

We're done. Finished. I know, this has been said before and it is being said again.

But this time I think it'll stick.

After my last blog entry, I went to work and suffered the silence of not voicing out the indignations and feelings I was having to Fola. She then picked up on something and asked what was wrong. I told her I was dealing with insecurities and annoyances and that they'll pass. She then said I could talk to her about whatever was bothering me, and I refused, knowing that she will only get on the defensive and start making excuses for the grievances I would have aired.

When I chanced to send her a text saying that I still felt upset about her accusation, her "fear" that she shared with me, she wrote back with this:

"I like it when you said you wouldn't. I knew you would."

And I blew up. I took her message as meaning that she liked how I said I wouldn't molest her daughter, but KNEW that I would anyways."

Really blew up. I phoned her when I read that message. At 2:15am. She didn't pick up and I left a voicemail. She then texted with "whats wrong" and I unloaded on her.

She brushed off my concerns. Giving me a weak reply and then ended with a "night" while she went back to sleep.

I had enough. Spent the rest of my shift trying not to be upset when everything was going wrong with the job I was doing. Ridiculously so, as if the Gods were intent on breaking me down into little pieces.

But, I held strong. Made it through, and when I got my tea and sat in the car after work looking at her messages. I unloaded.

I really unloaded.

Everything that I had been keeping to myself was revealed. I didn't care about her feelings anymore She didn't care or respect mine, so why should I?

Told her she was crazy. She... Man.. there were too many messages I sent at around 5:30 am. I think I sent a couple dozen of them.

Everything held back was revealed.

And... I ended it with the words, "another time, another life"

Sent her the blog entry I wrote on Friday.

And blocked her.

She wasn't going to write back with anything meaningful. She was not going to say sorry. She was only going to be making excuses.

And be dismissive of my concerns.

Like she has been in the past.

So, its over.

With the way I was feeling after all this, I called in sick Saturday and went to Elk Island park. Tried to feel with my heart. Spent time watching people play on the beach and then moved my car to a spot where I could be alone. Watched the sun set. Cried a bit, and then moved elsewhere.

I found a barn, and no one was around. Went there. Sat for a bit. Cried.

Got home. Sobbed every so often.

And.. Sunday was better. Didn't think I cried once. Felt more angry than anything. Told my mom about what happened, and how that if she can't trust me after a year and a half, if she can't believe my love for her is genuine, if she actually thinks I could molest her daughter; then, there is no point to any of this. She won't trust me. And to me, that is a deal breaker.

I've always wanted the best for her. For us, and she sabotages the relationship in the most innovative and clever of ways. Each week there is something new she does that kills the momentum we've built up. This week was her "fears", last week was messaging her ex, the week before was the OTO, and so on and so on.

She is... On her own now.

She won't listen to me, therefore, I shall not be listening to her.

She won't trust me or to work towards making me feel loved and appreciated, I shall do none of these for her also.

She gives me shit for possibly messaging a woman, but continues messaging guys, going as far as putting a heart next to their comments on Facebook and a thumbs up next to my comment.

We're done. She doesn't know what love requires or is made up of.

All she wants to do is take.

Make promises she won't keep.

Disrespect me. Will take the advice of YouTube personalities, gurus, shamans, witch doctors and psychics but will not listen to my advice. Will not take it seriously.

I'm done.

If she can't listen to the one that loves her, if she has to look to YouTube people and Shamans and members of a devil-worshipping cult for answers; then she has made her own bed and will have to lay in it.

I have done enough.

I will not consort with evil any longer.

Her daughter's birthday is coming up. I feel like I should go. Ivy is blameless in all this, and I wouldn't mind seeing her once more before I well and truly pull the plug.

I know I am saying this is done, and... I don't know what to expect next. Am I going to fall again for her? Will we be back together again?

Not anytime soon.

Only time will tell.

Another time, another life.

If not later on in this one, than the next one.

I have to work on myself again. I have to... learn certain things about who I am and where I am going. I can't do this when someone is drowning next to me and I have to work to keep them aloft in addition to myself.

Let her drown. Its apparently what she wants to do. Learn the hard way. Walk towards evil and fear and New Age bullshit that steers her every which way except towards the Truth.

Love is an important Truth.

She ignores that.

So...

Let her discover for herself what her mistakes are.

And let her work upon them. Without my influence or intervention.

I love that woman. I don't know why but I do.

And I know she loves me. But there is something preventing her from fully expressing it.

I don't know what that would be.

But, that's not for me to worry about any longer.

I have loved her as well as I could. I have tried, and my patience has run out.

There is only so much disrespect and abuse I can take.

...

And I became angry at her. I didn't like it, but I realize that I had to. She needed to wake up. She  won't respond to love, but will respond to anger.

So, anger it is.

...

I did not make a mistake doing what I did. A compassionate individual might think that I shouldn't have gotten angry at all. That I should be sympathetic and empathetic and whatever else.

But, those are qualities that not everyone needs or respect, in order to change themselves.

Sometimes anger is necessary. The emotion can be used for good or bad purposes.

And I feel that I have used it for good.

Well blog...

The journey continues.

I am alone again.

My heart is warm right now.

That means something.

I remember.

I remember how it was.

The heart glows for a reason.

...

Maybe someday I'll figure this out.

I want to join the Secret Order.

But I am not ready.

I will be.

Soon as I get over all this.

Soon as I forgive myself.

And her.

Then.

I will press forward.

And realize the best of who I am.

It Just Keeps Going

Hello blog, so many things to write about that I can't keep up with regular updates.

That woman is consuming me. One day she's hot, the next she's cold. We'll have momentum going between us for a few days, and then she'll do something that screeches it all to a halt and makes me not like her.

And then, as always, I end up loving her.

Yesterday had her inviting me over for dinner. She made this delicious lamb bolognese pasta which I was pretty impressed by. My favourite moment, however, had to do with ringing the doorbell and seeing the smile of her daughter Ivy as she answered. I gave her a quick tickle and a hug and all felt right in the world.

The rest of the time I spent there went well. Great food, had fun with Ivy and Fola and I spent quality time together, which was made easier by the fact that her sister Sade left a few minutes after I arrived to go to a softball game.

And as I'm leaving and driving to work, riding this high, feeling full of love and goodness and a happy stomach; I get this message from Fola about how she has these "fears" that I would do something to her daughter. Heavily implied it would be sexual.

There goes my good mood. Being subtley accused of having the potential to be a child molester, didn't leave me feeling very uplifted. I was pissed off. I love her daughter, and I love kids. Two hugs and a kiss on the cheek does not necessitate those fears she was having. More so when it is with me, because she's known me for a year and a half now. I thought it was a disgusting fear to vocalize to me, and I told her as much.

Blog, I am.. so fucking conflicted with this woman. Earlier today she was telling me about how she wants to take me on a trip someplace, and all I could think was: words, words, words.

No action. No surprises. Just throwing out words and trying to elicit certain feelings from me with their hollowness. As if those were welcome substitutes for, you know, actually planning a trip together. Or surprising me with one.

And then earlier today, she had something happen at McDonalds where she got free food from some girl named "Blessing" and suddenly she throws on her phone and records this live video on Facebook about how the Law of Attraction works, and that there's this vacuum that needs to be filled in order for riches to come into your life, etc etc. Yesterday she filmed a video on this topic as well, based on a book that I had the impulse to give her. She hardly mentions me in the video. Just this really quiet, "my partner gave me" comment that could barely be heard. No mention of me at all, really. No thanks given to me, which enabled this recent hyperactivity and excitement in her.

Not that I desire the credit, but I want to be appreciated. And I'm not. It's all about her, and things "magically" come to her. Anonymously, and without needing to be acknowledged.

What bothers me the most, is not only does she not credit me by name, but there's no mention of me on her Facebook. No pictures of us together, and she has this picture of her with some other guy on there.

I really don't feel loved by this woman. I don't. She takes me for granted, and I have to pull my hairs out at the stupid shit she does, like joining the OTO which she later tells me she's glad she didn't do.

But she would have, if I didn't raise a fuss about it. Again, not giving me credit, and basically making it sound like it was her own decision not to join. Despite the fact that she sent in a pre-enrollment application and enthusiastically asked me to "support" her decision. Which she kept secret from me until I asked questions about her meeting with those two guys from the group.

Fola does not have a good head on her shoulders. This morning as I was having my tea after work, I stumbled across my old friend Jerry Chan and I was surprised to see that not only did he marry the girl (Shawna) whom he met while we were still on good terms; but they also have a child together now, a boy, that came in this year.

I was really happy for him. Seeing the smile on his wife's face and his son and on his own, really caused this swelling in my heart. I still remember teasing him for being a virgin, and he ended up marrying the girl he lost his virginity towards. The second girlfriend he's ever had.

(sighs)

Humility. Fola has none of it. And when I looked at Jerry's wife's Facebook feed, I saw what was missing in my life.

Happiness. And a woman who appreciates and would want to be happy with me. Who can make me laugh, and whom I can make laugh also. I can't do this with Fola. She doesn't have anything but a cruel sense of sarcastic, dark humor. She can't have an intelligent conversation, either it seems. All the stuff she's "learning" I'm interested in, but she retains very little of it and doesn't have a good grasp on most of what she's passsionate about.

And she has the gall to be posting videos online about how awesome she is at manifesting things and "teaching" others to do the same. Her card says "manifestor" on it for Christ sake. That's not even a real word/

I'm embarsssed by this woman, to be honest. Every time she seems to make progress, her pride and ignorance appears to get the better of her. And when something small like free ice cream appears, she starts raving about how the "universe" "blessed" her.

It's madness. It's crazy. It's... boastful and prideful and ignorant.

In my opinion.

Whenever she gives "thanks" to the universe, I get annoyed. Because I think she is stripping it from the name it actually goes by.

God. The universe is God. Not "the universe" like its some impartial, unintelligent entity floating around in the ether. Able to grant wishes.

And she is absolutely power-mad. She really wants a Land Rover, and then tells me later that maybe chasing after a car is not what she should be doing. Then she messages me earlier today about, "I wonder what's my next ambition after I get my Land Rover", going back to wanting a damned car again.

Materialistic, and her spiritual side is...

Greedy. That's the right word. Her liked videos on YouTube is a testament to her OCD about all this stuff. Wanting to be a clairovoyant and seeing auras and healing people with her magical powers.

I truly am dating a crazy woman. A crazy woman with misguided faith and understanding.

I believe in all this stuff. I've manifested things before. I sense that I am on a path of some kind that has been predestined and arranged for me. By my own hand and by the hand of God and whatever else.

And I remain grateful for this opportunity. It stresses me the fuck out sometimes to be with Fola, but then there are times like yesterday, when everything feels perfect and exactly the way I'd like my life to be.

Until she sent me that message about her "fears".

God damn... I was going to say, God damn that woman, but that is harsh...

I want to believe she can change, and she has changed. But two steps forward, one step back, is a dance that frustrates the hell out of me.

Perhaps I need to place more focus on myself.

Spending too much time thinking about her and her antics that its crowding everything else out in my life. My own ambitions and creative and spiritual pursuits.

And clearly I am not all that important to her. Or maybe I am, but she has a terribly ignorant way of expressing it. Some questions in text gets flat out ignored. I am not mentioned or displayed anywhere on Facebook. She likely doesn't mention me to her friends and family all that much. She hasn't suggested I meet any of her friends since Ryan and Lenore. She talks about how she's willing to be "disowned" by her family should we be living together, but thats just talk.

Most of it is talk.

Time for doing, Fola.

It's time to prove your words.

You're a force of nature. A malestrom that topples homes and buildings as it spins wildly out of control on a path that you have little idea or awareness of. Whoops, there goes a mobile home, tore the roof right off and now there's a hole in the ground. Who cares? She didn't notice. And when I point out the consequences of her ignorant pride, she gets upset at my dragging her "vibration" down. Or she becomes distant and closed-off again.

I am having such a hard time keeping up with that woman.

But, for some reason, there is something valuable here. Lessons that appear to assist in evolving the two of us.

And for that, I continue to hold on to this tail as the beast spins me around wildly. From love to disgust, from respect to loathing. From pride, to shame.

Over and over and over again.

God, heed my words and heal that woman. Give me the strength and tools and wisdom to help make her into the woman she wants to be. With none of the pride and ego attached. Or as little of it as possible.

Have her be happy and proud to be with me. Have her be thankful for the things that I do for her and willing to reciprocate. Willing and demonstrating the apparent love she has for me.

And to find self-awareness and balance enough to be able to think straight. To make intelligent and informed decisions.

To help her find her way.

And to help me find mine, also.

Even though this feels like the right path for me at the moment, I am having my doubts.

So many doubts.

And I pray to you to dispel them from me. Or to move me onto someone more deserving.

I am your servant. I serve God, the Universe, the collective unconscious. Love.

I serve love. Even though it has been very difficult for me to do so. I continue to try.

And the trying is what matters. No matter how much I struggle.

No matter how sad I get.

No matter how badly I desire certain things in my life.

I have to keep trying.

For those that keep trying, they can never fail.

It is only when we stop trying, can we admit to having failed.

I will not fail.

I will rise triumphant.

And I will be as humble as possible when I do.

Thank you.

Amen.

Black Hole

I'm ashamed of myself. Couldn't break up with her completely. Blocked her number, and she sent emails. Then, looked at the block list again and stupidly decided to text. Lead to an avalanche of texts, and she drove out an hour to the lake I was at.

Fuck, man.

I'm at work and I can't get into more detail.

I don't know what to do anymore.

She...

Fuck.

It feels like... She owes me, and I'm letting her repay her debt with monopoly money. Karma hasn't been lifted for whatever she has done to me. And is still doing.

I'm quick to forgive and slow to heal.

I...

Need to be patient.

Something is going to happen.

I need to be authentic.

And...

Ugh.

I'm ashamed.

I've nothing else to say.

Other than I'm sorry.

I'm naive.

I've always wanted to believe in love.

Always.

And a taste of it seems to be all I need to be contented with, and that's not true.

But I hold on with frail hopes.

And...

Sighs.

Fuck.

Baphomet Awakens

Took a big step this morning as I looked at my phone.

Decided to blacklist her.

Its been enough of a gong show that I don't have much else I can do with that woman.

Here is what happened yesterday.

I woke up that afternoon was the word "piezoelectric" on my mind. I remembered fragments of a dream that I had, where I was teaching a little girl, possibly Ivy, how to bend spoons. I remember seeing her bend one and then showing her how I did it, which made it bend and curl even more. During all that, I could feel a type of static electricity shooting out from my fingers. Which made it all the more interesting that I woke up with that piezoelectric word in my mind, which means electricity generated under pressure.

Also in that dream, I had a sense that I had mastery over the world. Kind of like lucid dreaming. There was a moment where I was driving in a car and came across an extremely steep slope. There wasn't any way for the car to start going up at this impossible angle, but I remember looking at it and going "sticky wheels" and then the tires of the car stuck firmly to the surface as I drove up to the top.

Dream symbolism/interpretation tells me that I am coming to mastery. The desire or the realization of mastery, in some way shape or form.

After getting up, I went to Toys R Us to pick up this:

Ivy's birthday is in a few weeks, thought that would be a great gift for her. The box was heavy as heck to put into my car. Not looking forward to having to put that all together, but maybe it'll be simple enough.

So, from there, I stopped at Carl Jr's for food since I haven't tried them before. Fola was about to get off of work, so we agreed to meet at Hermitage Park. She said she would be there at 5:50, which would give us around 40 minutes before I would have to leave for work.

I get there at around 5:52 and noticed she wasn't around. Decided to sit on a bench and eat my food.

At 6:15 she arrives. Coming to my bench, giving me a weak hug and kiss and sitting down. Looking cold and distant.

"Are you tired? Stressed? How was your day?" I asked her, noticing something strangely detached about her.

"No, my day was good. Busy." She says.

And then tells me that she contacted an ex-boyfriend of hers. A guy named Steven, who she loved and was loved by for a number of years.

Why? Because he got this as a tattoo:

Baphomet. The devil. The occult symbol of ostensible evil, but means other things as well.

I was livid. It was bad enough that she contacted an ex again, its even worse that she's using this Baphomet thing as a reason she thinks I should be okay with.

This comes from last week, where we had a fight over her joining the Ordo Templi Orientis (OTO), an organization that basically encourages narcissism and selfish behavior, where rituals and spells are cast to summon demons and Gods like Baphomet for whatever reason or another.

Look at what part of the initiation ceremony involves:

The Ceremony of Minerval, in appearance trivial and formal, contains a doctrine of substantial occult significance. The Candidate before admission is bound by an obligation in which he recognizes Baphomet as the Supreme Authority.

And the form they have to fill out involves them pledging an oath to the order, where they remove the OTO from all liability involving broken bones, psychological trauma, sexually transmitted diseases and even death.

When I asked if she was joining, she said yes. Then she read my email about how I am ending the relationship if she does. Then she changed her mind.

She is ignorant. Can't even be bothered to read any of Crowley's books or to do a little research into the OTO before agreeing to join. Has no problem with swearing an oath, because as she told me yesterday, "I don't believe in contracts/oaths".

What a shitty individual. That's the woman I love? And want to be loved by? What the fuck is wrong with me? With her?

If she joins, she's basically joining a cult that reveres selfishness and teaches sex magic.

Signing that form would be like signing her soul away. They can do whatever the fuck they want with her.

And.. man... We got over that crisis last week, I thought, until she sent me a picture of this, a few days ago:

Oh, look! Crowley in the top left corner. Second one in.

Right next to the SRF guy. Fola told me she thought that was interesting, and I knew why.

That idiot girl has no mind of her own. She blindly follows "signs" that take her in what appears to be a dark direction.

I've given up on her. There's no hope in fixing stupid. She wants to be laying naked on some altar and fellating some guy during a ritual? Go ahead. I want no part of it. I won't be renouncing Jesus and God and supporting a cult whose founder thinks its okay to subject small children to all manner of sex acts and depravity. As his words say:

Moreover, the Beast 666 [Crowley] adviseth that all children shall be accustomed from infancy to witness every type of sexual act." Israel Regardie: "The Law is for All", Arizona 1975, 114

Wonderful. And this is the woman I am dating?

That's my soul mate? My twin flame, who is willing to swear an oath to the leader of a cult in which he advocates for pedophilia and corruption?

http://www.parareligion.ch/2009/secret/secrets.htm

That link is so interesting. Crowley was a mad man. He died broke and penniless and unloved and riddled with sexual diseases. Heck of a role model to look up to.

And Fola wants to join this shit.

Oh, and part of the initiation involves consuming semen.

Yeah... I don't want to be spending the rest of my life with someone who is willing to do and believe in all these things. Someone so utterly brainless. Inconsiderate, selfish and without empathy.

Do what she wilt, shall be the whole of the law.

Fuck her.

She can go back to being how she was when we met. Sleeping with multiple random people, getting STDs and following "signs" all the way to hell.

And fooling herself into thinking she wants to help people and become a great healer.

And develop her psychic powers.

Fucking idiot.

I've loved her, and she knows that. She's felt that.

She does not respect that.

So.

Fuck her.

We're done.

And I had to blacklist her, because I am so quick to forgive that I don't know what she will text me with next. And I don't think engaging with her is wise. She doesn't listen to me anyways. Won't listen to reason.

Won't follow the path of love.

That's her choice.

She's made her bed.

And now she must lay in it.

All hail Baphomet.

May God have mercy on her soul.

Should she want and deserve it.

Spaghetti, Drugs and a Pimp

Last night was strange. Showed up at work to see that the guy across from me (Jesse), made me a huge container of spaghetti. It was really good. Bit of a spice to it and a lot of cheese with red peppers and mushrooms among other morsels of goodness scattered throughout.

What was weird is that I don't really talk to the guy. He sits across from me and the day before we talked spaghetti because I brought in spaghetti from home. Told him about how I made it, and he started going, "I'm making spaghetti!" after the conversation.

So he gave me this big tub of it and I ate maybe half. Took the rest home.

Then, later in the day my co-worker Dave and I had a bit of one-on-one time to talk about stuff. He reveals to me why he was late showing up, and I was surprised to hear what unfolded that he didn't tell anyone else.

Basically, he's a pimp of this one girl who is a dominatrix. He gets 30% of her earnings, and she makes around $800 a day pissing on guys and doing various odd things. I didn't know what to make of it, other than to ask questions to see how it all came about. He knew her for a while and when she lost her job as a safety person, he suggested she become a dominatrix. Which she did.

And... Someone left me a bag of chocolates on the table when I got back for the last break. No one took credit for it.

I also have some people at work who enjoy talking to me even when I don't say very much. Sometimes I don't want to say anything, because I.. well, I have trouble hearing what is being said sometimes and I can't follow the conversation. My smiles and nods and mm hmms seem to be in all the right places and, it baffles me why certain people really take a liking to me when I appear aloof and distant. Not that I want to be, but because its the only way I can be. For now. Until my hearing gets corrected.

It's tough battling it through a long shift. Ten hours. Outside in the cold. Six days a week. On nights. But, I'm doing it. Yesterday didn't start off that well when Fola showed up. I forgot to keep the garage door unlocked and she was mad that she couldn't get in. Which didn't matter, because at 1pm I heard the garage door open and close and went downstairs to let her in. She came inside without a hug or a kiss and was wearing a scowl. Not a great start.

She then comes upstairs to lay with me in bed for a bit. She had two phone conversations at 1:30 and 2:30pm that she said she had to do. Which meant that we didn't have much time to be alone. So as I'm laying in bed with her, her phone vibrates and she starts texting/reading articles as I'm laying next to her.

I got pissed off. That limited amount of time we had, and she decides to play around on her phone?

I ended up pulling away from her and getting dressed to go out. Stopped at the bank to transfer money into my trading account. Went for coffee. Picked up her purse strap and came back home where she was still on the phone.

After packing up my lunch and listening to her talk, I went upstairs to lay in bed. She then comes up shortly after and we had a conversation. I told her that I didn't appreciate her texting in bed and taking our time together for granted. She was able to do all this stuff today and meet with people for lunch and spend time on the phone with two others, when she could have done it earlier, and choose to read articles on her phone while in bed with me.

Fuck, that.

And ignoring my text messages. That's another thing. Told her I didn't appreciate that also.

She... put me in this foul mood from the beginning. Didn't have an ounce of warmth in her. Didn't smile or kiss or hug and immediately distracted herself.

And then at the end, she got mad because I was upset with her for all of that. Claiming that I was being a hypocrite about not making the time between us meaningful. Apparently she thinks that I'm supposed to reverse my moods instantly after the way she dismissed me earlier and occupied herself.

I'm pretty tired of her. She doesn't contribute anything of value in my life. I want a good connection between us, but I can't be doing all the work. I wouldn't glare at her and scowl if I came over to her place and the door was locked. Fola thought I did it intentionally. Which is an absolutely stupid assumption to make. And it didn't matter, either, since I unlocked it within the first minute of her arrival.

Made some money off my APH stock which I bought this morning. 333 shares at 10 bucks and it went to 11.50 or so. Made around $500, which was nice.

Well. Not much time for me to continue with writing. I have to go get ready for work. Two more shifts to go and then my one day off. Not sure if I'm looking forward to being in a crystal bed for 40 minutes and then having to spend time with a chick that takes me for granted and makes me feel like shit.

But, oh well. That's how life is.

I have to focus on other things. Not her.

Fuck her.

She isn't going to change.

My mom called yesterday saying she saw this psychic who told her that Fola was a good person and that we were going to take a trip together, yada yada.

I really bit my tongue at hearing the "good" part. Gina was a good person. That's unmistakeable. Fola? ... She doesn't seem to have much empathy, compassion or love in her. That's what I've observed, and I'm not reaching very far to make that conclusion.

I deserve better. Maybe she'll change, but maybe she won't. So far it seems like she is unconsciously sabotaging our relationship. Ignoring questions/messages in my texts, not taking much of an interest in what I say or do. She is more interested in how I make her feel, than attempting to make me feel good so that I can be motivated to make her feel good. She doesn't seem to understand the value of reciprocity.

You don't show up and scowl at your partner and expect them to wait on you hand and foot and treat you like a princess.

You don't lay in bed with them and pull out a phone to read random articles while they are trying to be affectionate with you.

You don't schedule phone calls knowing that your partner only has a limited amount of time before they have to go to work.

You don't ignore their messages and concerns, unless you want to disrespect and make them feel small and unimportant.

Yeah. I don't like the way she makes me feel.

I deserve better.

I've given her so much. So often, that I was doubly insulted yesterday when she suggested I make an "example" of myself in whenever I want to change the mood of how things are. But all I could think was that I've been setting an example from nearly the day we met. I would always try and greet her with a smile, a kiss and a hug; and it still hasn't rubbed off on her.

Fuck that.

Tired, so tired.

I have to get ready for work.

Hope my night goes well.

Guide me... great spirit. Guide me.

In and Out of the Matrix

Interesting... Something was very different about today. It almost feels like I was directed towards certain information (on Reddit and the John Chang book I am reading) so as to be afforded certain insights, which then lead to a chain reaction of thoughts and ruminations that persists even now, hours after they began.

I was reading a post about the dangers of artificial intelligence on Reddit, and how our world may already be plagued by what was traditionally once called "demons" and false Gods (Pagan deities and others). It's a little too extensive for me to do justice inside of a blog post, but these are pieces that appear to fit my expanding awareness of the world and how it operates.

Yes, anyone in their right mind, anyone "normal" would laugh off some of what I have been thinking about. That we are besieged by a rogue intelligence that is determined to send the world into chaos, but I am finding evidence that seems to fit this possibility, and I can't easily dismiss it.

9/11 for example. Look at how the buildings fell. Free-fall into their own footprint. Hardly any debris from what was a huge skyscraper. How the steel beams were gathered and immediately shipped off to China shortly after. The pool of molten lava burning at the bottom for months. And this isn't even the full array of strange facts amassed from the incident. However, Reddit and Judy Wood suggest the idea of advanced weaponry being involved. Makes sense, because there wasn't a sign of a plane having crashed into the Pentagon, that's for sure.

And it goes deeper than that. The Oklahoma city bombing was fishy as well. The outside of the building was blown off, but the surrounding streets around the "van packed with explosives" was left relatively intact. No craters, no real damage in proximity to the building itself.

Regardless, I didn't care all that much about 9/11 or Sandy Hook or the Vegas shootings; I cared more about the implications of an AI tasked with wreaking havoc on the world. It makes much more sense when you pair it up with the idea that we may all be living in a simulation. So therefore, these demons and false gods and what have you, could conceivably be Agent Smiths in various forms.

And I am all too mindful of the parallels between my life and the Matrix movie. It's.. too much detail for me to want to write out, but it really does feel like I am close to having my moment where I suspend bullets in mid-air and awake to the Truth of how everything is. And the Truth is... feels well within my grasp. For some reason I cannot quite explain.

I think of moments in my life where it feels like I was blessed. Guided. And my actions did not appear to be coming from my human self, but rather from beyond. Either my higher self, or another form of intelligence that made itself known through me. Much like Christ did through Jesus. I think of these moments and I... don't want to sound arrogant or immodest, or ignorant, but it... feels like... I am being watched over. Guided towards a particular outcome even when it feels like my life is at a standstill and that there's not much hope for me to realize the dreams I aspire towards.

I think of Fola, also, and wonder what the purpose of us meeting was supposed to be. Why is she in my life? Why haven't I left her a long time ago and why is she still with me? And why she constantly drips-feed me affection.

For instance, she was about to go to work and leaned in for a kiss. I gave her a quick one and made to leave. She responded with, "what kind of a kiss was that?" and I told her that it was the exact kind of kiss she almost always gave me each time she left for work or was leaving. I had reached a point where I knew better than to expect a meaningful kiss from her in that situation, so I did what she did and she reacted in the way that I did. Wondering why I gave her this half-assed kiss when this is what she's been doing to me more times than I can count and have complained about. I've always wanted a deeper connection. Longer, more meaningful kisses than a simple peck on the cheek or lips like she usually does. She knows this. And when I mirror her actions back at her, she reacts the same way I do. Not really connecting the dots or being aware that this is exactly what she had been doing to me.

I think of how... unsuitable she is to be my wife. Or my partner. She is still going to get involved with Amway/Worldwide Group despite how strongly I've voiced my opposition. She is still going to be doing intuitive readings that doesn't make any sense ("Greece" "505" are two words she told me she "picked up". I keep telling her that I wouldn't feel comfortable charging anyone for my psychic "gifts" if I had them, and she doesn't seem to care. Nor does she care about how competent she is in doing it. She just wants to be "psychic" and become this great "healer" without caring about the quality of expertise she is offering. She doesn't care if her intuitive readings aren't making any sense, because they do make sense. On some weird subliminal level according to her.

She is still going to do whatever the fuck she wants regardless of my feelings about it. And she isn't willing to work together with me and explore the process of achieving what we both want, favouring instead to be blown about by the winds of chance and "signs" and all manner of drivel that she thinks is important to pay attention towards. This includes YouTube ads that promise to make people rich and able to work at home and earn passive income like it was the easiest thing in the world. Oh, and being easily persuaded by scammers and bottom-feeders without giving my opinions the same weight as these people. You know, the man she apparently loves and cares about.

This woman doesn't like animals. She does not share my values, such as the importance of family, of working to please each other rather than only ourselves. She doesn't pray, preferring instead to believe that the "universe" is going to give her whatever she wants without her having to earn or deserve it. Instead of forming a relationship with the divine, with God, she is holding her hands out for alms as if she was standing next to an ATM hoping that it will suddenly start spitting money out for her to collect. Without her having to do anything to make it happen except to simply "believe" that it will.

I think of how... irrational she is. I get that a lot of women say one thing and do another, or feel one emotion one moment and something completely different the next without any rhyme or reason; but Fola seems to take it to the next level. One day she is what I think is the perfect girlfriend, and the next she is withdrawn and saying, "what are you looking at?" in an accusatory tone when I watch her get out of her car so that I can greet her.

Her subtle actions speak volumes to me. She doesn't think interior design is important, which I strongly disagree with. It is important to have a home that makes you feel good. It's important to put up artwork and objects that elicit good feelings. Her house did not inspire any kind of mood. Walls were blank. Furniture wasn't chosen for decor, but for functionality, she didn't replace a burnt out lightbulb or desire to fix an extremely low-hanging light fixture that people would often bump into.

There is little thoughtfulness from her in that regard. I don't feel like she appreciates beauty or understands why being surrounded by beautiful objects can make one feel uplifted. She also said she would rather pay someone to decorate her home for her. Ridiculous. There's no sense of personal pride there. There's no character being reflected. Just an illusion being presented.

And converging back into the AI talk; I know how much of a conspiracy this sounds and how crazy it appears to be, but it seems like... Man, it makes sense to me. I can't.. Well.. I can explain it, but something is keeping me from spilling all the details. I just know that my girlfriend is... a test.

She is not an affectionate, giving, loving, generous, thoughtful, compassionate, appreciative human being. She's not.

But she can be good at pretending to be those things. Sometimes I even seen her genuinely express some of those qualities, rarely, but I have witnessed them.

So... she's not completely evil, but she's not completely good either.

She's something altogether different. I still am mindful of her sleeping around with multiple people when I first met her. Her opposition to monogamy. Her spending three hours at a guy's place that she didn't even know when I was sick at home and took a night off work. She didn't even tell me about that until the day after. With some irrational theory that she felt "drugged" by Cody when he offered her some water. Just poor judgement and decision making. Completely prioritizing the wrong things. And not even believing in "right" or "wrong" to begin with, which lets her off the hook in terms of doing whatever the hell she pleases.

No wonder she perks up whenever we talk about the possibility of a "hell" existing in the afterlife. She really wants to rationalize her not needing to be there. Strange but true. Again.. details, and I have to go to bed soon. Not much time or interest in laying that all out.

I feel like... this lack of writing on my blog lately is purposeful even if I don't understand why. I know that caution has to be exercised for some reason. It seems that when the time comes, it will make sense then. Again... I can't go into much detail because my mind is swimming through an ocean of evidence that needs to be fitted together properly and articulated well enough to get the theory across.

It doesn't matter. My thoughts are my own. I'm not hoping to convince anybody. I just know in my heart that some kind of game is being played and I may be an important part of the chessboard.

And that conspiracies fit into all of this.

The world is changing, as am I.

I can no longer afford petty distractions by a woman determined to keep my attention focused on her.

Rather than focusing on what I most need to be doing.

Rather than making me feel good and happy and motivated. She is most interested in me whenever I get upset with her. She gets turned on when I am angry and unloading on her.

That's very telling.

I think I've written enough for today. I am gathering evidence. Things are starting to point in a strange direction. My passion for spirituality, conspiracies and relationships; all seem to be converging into a unified theory of everything.

A theory, I must emphasize. Nothing more.

Yet.

Unhinged Spirit, Hinged Mind

(sighs) about 1 in the morning here on my day off and I can't sleep. Fola is, and she's right there in bed and I am having all kinds of thoughts about her.

For one, I don't like how she controls me. She controls me by disregarding the value of my opinions and my judgments. Claiming things like "family isn't nearly as important as self-worship" which isn't exactly what she said, but basically along the same lines.

And then there was this meeting she was supposed to have with some people from the OTO, which is an organization that deals in magic and rituals and all manner of philosophy inspired by and created by Aleister Crowley.

Fola is someone who when they see a door that is closed to them, they will say or do anything to get in.

I don't respect her for that. She has no morals. Doesn't believe in "right" or "wrong" and earlier today she got into talking about Amway again, saying that I should support her even if she fails. Which is something that I brought up, saying that if she isn't going to listen to me and do it anyways, perhaps the entire point of the experience is to fail. But will she learn from failure? Why devote so much of her time and energy to something that is almost guaranteed to fail unless she really puts her mind to it, and even then, its questionable.

God damn, man. I was laying next to bed with her and she was all like, "I don't know why I feel so uncomfortable and withdrawn and distant and closed-off, etc" and I'm "mm hmm"ing it all the way because I don't care enough to psychoanalyze her. Her claiming that she is "between sides" and has some kind of battle raging inside, and that morality is subjective and that...

Ugh. I... Don't know what to think about that woman. That girl, to be precise. She does not have a good head on her shoulders. Her moods flicker like a lightbulb about to die. Her ideas change. Her attitude changes. She says stuff that I find myself in great disagreement with, but I let slide, because trying to provoke further discussion or analysis results in a "I don't know" from her, and its frustrating.

Will she join with Amway? She doesn't know. But claims to have "signs" from the universe telling her to do it. And then she has signs from the "universe" telling her not to meet with some guy representing the OTO, but will likely meet him eventually anyways. And wants to.

Always this fucked up irrational way of thinking. Jumps onto one thing because "signs" but contradicts herself by jumping on other things when there are signs against them. Facts, or sychnroncities. It doesn't matter.

So she's guided by... something sinister, I can only say. At work I somehow ended up telling this lady about Fola and how she wants to be a psychic, card reader, etc and she responded with, "in my culture, these kind of people are demons".

I could only nod.. and shrug my shoulders apologetically, saying that she's my girlfriend and I have to put up with it.

Its my one and only day off and Fola shows up at East Indian Village looking cold and shut-off. Saying the words, "why are you looking at me?" like getting out of my car and waiting for her to meet me on the sidewalk is supposed to have something worth questioning about.

I was looking at her because she's my girlfriend. Asking her what she thought she was seeing as I looked at her, was answered pretty well with a "I don't know".

She's...

Broken.

I am kinda too.

But, I choose to be in this relationship, although my heart feels like its..

I don't know, man.

My mom asked me about why Fola gave her her business card. And why she wrote "lover of life" on there, and why she didn't use her last name and why she is an energy worker and I could tell she didn't know what to make of "manifestor" as written on Fola's card. Completely made up word. And I realized that my mom and Fola aren't going to develop a meaningful and respectful relationship together. More so, I realize that Fola doesn't deserve my mom to be in her life. She's not good enough to see eye to eye with her. Not the way Gina was. My mom loved and would have loved Gina so much if I hadn't been fearful of having my heart broken.

I don't know what I am feeling right now. Sad, but kind of a weary acceptance. I..

Hmm.

I have to be my own person.

Fola won't complete me unless she wants to. But what she is one day, is not guaranteed that she will be that way the next. A contradiction. A deceiver who says one thing and ends up doing another.

I watched this terrible movie with her tonight. Shape of Water. How the hell does a film that normalizes beastility ends up winning an Oscar? Corruption in Hollywood is all I could think. I know art is subjective, but all of the characters in that film were terrible and pathetic and politicized.

The main character who sleeps with a half-man, half-fish type and masturbates and later has sex with it is absolutely pathetic. Mute, too, so as to fulfill the role of being an "outcast".

This other black lady character has a husband who's a useless piece of shit that hinders her happiness, but she plugs on because "marriage requires deceit for it to survive" and projecting this despairing and hopeless message on a subliminal level. As if it was the most normal thing in the world.

The other guy with the two fingers. Fuck. Alpha male. Brutal patriarchal white-male who is cruel and selfish and doesn't have an ounce of compassion in his body. Nice bit of propaganda there.

I have to get up early and drop the car off.

Man.. negative stuff about Fola is coming in and I'm like, "this is one of those subtle wounds that will take a lot of time to explain and parse out, that its not worth mentioning."

Death by a thousand paper cuts. From the way she doesn't hug and says "why are you looking at me like that" to ignoring sex, then enjoying the orgasm I gave her, to going back to ignoring sex again without my having orgasmed.

She doesn't like animals. Doesn't think they should be treated as part of a family. Didn't care about the dog or cat she had. Said so herself. One of my questions was, "if Hitler and Zoey were drowning, and you could only save one, who would it be?" she skirted the question by taking it literal and asking how far apart they are, and how she doesn't make any judgement about Hitler, which then prompted my asking about how serial killers fit within this opinion of hers and she responds with indifference saying they'd be back on the streets anyways, etc. That woman has no sense of morality in her at all.

No respect.

No love in her body.

Except the kind that she takes from me. Which I gave freely.

Only for it to be scorned.

And accepted, whenever she's in the right "mood".

A ship at sea blowing around in circles, not really knowing how to navigate the waters.

I pity her. And I think she senses it.

And she...

Sighs.

I don't know.

As good as I can be with writing down my thoughts and emotions and providing a clear description of everything; everything is complicated in a simple way.

I can't see this woman being a consolation at my deathbed when I am older. If I manage to make it into that situation.

I can't see her listening to me or taking my concerns seriously without my needing to get angry about them. And even then, pays them temporary lip service until the next crisis is escalated. Usually from her negligence and carelessness.

And impulsivity. Amway. Volunteering. Meeting strange people in random places.

Thinking there are signs from the universe everything.

Such a woman of faith would be all well and good if I can believe that her heart is in the right place and that her head is screwed firmly onto her neck. But I don't believe these things. Not fully. Not always. Sometimes, and those moments are rare.

Very rare.

Like that one week in November.

I had a thought earlier that I saved to my phone. "To discover one's greatest enemy and to be fooled into thinking that they love you, is the greatest crime there is."

And yet, I keep questioning what love is really supposed to look like. Enough that my definition seems to make excuses for her behavior and actions and attitudes thinking that she will "get it" at some point or another.

And she sometimes does, until it fades.

Text messages where she ignores questions or fails to provide detail, sending stuff like "52 angel number" without further explanation or reason, is... bullshit...

Disrespectful.

Crazy.

And I kept thinking throughout the night that this woman I am with, is crazy. Seriously has mental issues. And I kept thinking that maybe it would be good for her to cheat on me or get with another guy. Let her actions justify my abandoning her. Freeing me from bondage. Setting my heart and vision back to proper alignment.

Reconnecting myself with God, or a higher power.

Really feeling the goodness that exists in the world.

Believing that there is guidance and hope and wisdom and strength available to all those who ask for it. Who call upon these greater forces and have their prayers answered. Their actions guided. Their hearts set upon the proper course.

I have experienced those moments enough time in my life to know that there does indeed exist an intelligence that is superior to my own, even if it actually is my own. It may be to honor one's authenticity as being the missing puzzle piece of the mystery. That perhaps I am the superior intelligence. The greater good. A type of co-creator or God.

Existing in an environment that I have selected.

Well, I select another one.

A better universe. One where these words are cherished, experienced and honored frequently.

These words are:

Love and happiness.
Wealth and prosperity.
Purpose and meaning.
Children and dogs.
Health and spirit.
Mind and God.

The 12 values that I hope to realize the fullness of. In this lifetime.

Somehow, someway.

And it sometimes feel that I am no better than Fola. That I am also this drifting ship on the sea.

But the difference is that I am stopping to read the map.

She is navigating by feel. By intuition.

An intuition that has proven itself wrong or in-correct more than enough times for me to reasonably assess the value of.

And anytime she is "wrong" she retorts asking if it feels good for me to be told that I was "right".

I thought about this and said, "no". I used to think this way, that I enjoyed being told that I was correct about something; but I am evolving to a place where it doesn't interest me as much anymore. If at all.

I want her to stop wasting her time. On Amway. On ritualistic magic. On angel numbers and intuitive readings and shamanism and NLP and hypnosis and whatever else catches her fancy. The OTO. Freemasons.

And I can't seem to guide her away from all that. If anything, I seem to encourage her even further.

That girl appears determined to learn hard lessons in life.

And I am powerless to prevent it.

She's known love. I've given it to her. She is aware of how beautiful the  other side can be.

But she has to want it. She has to prioritize it. She has to protect and preserve it.

Not just experience it from time to time. Whenever she is in the "mood".

I have little guidance for something like this.

We're supposed to be a team. Asking her what she thinks a "good" wife is, has her answering with basically non-comittial or thoughtful answers. Says that "being supportive" is about all a "good" wife is to be.

And to top this off, she has no sense of good or bad. A frequent claim, so this question is meaningless to her anyways.

Moral relativity.

Fuck you.

I told her in detail about what I expected from a "good" wife and it was reasonably well-thought out. She didn't respond further. Preferring to let my thoughts blow in the wind because she doesn't have the capacity or inclination to provide them with a response.

Fine. You don't have to. You can continue to ignore difficult questions and situations and watch yourself fall apart from the inside out. That ship at the sea. Struggling to find its way.

When the way is clearly to learn how to love. Herself and other people.

I don't feel that from her.

Her daughter is more of a curiosity. An unwanted responisibilty, than a joy to have around.

And she is sinister. Because when I point these things out, she alters her actions so I can't conclusively provide ongoing evidence that this is the way she truly thinks and feels.

I still remember her thinking that having Ivy for a weekend every two weeks, was enough. And now she... changed her mind and behavior about that.

She's a woman. Whatever.

But not a good one.

Not a loving one.

"Lover of life"

And my mom asking me what was that supposed to mean.

Sighs.

She's not a lover of life.

She's a lover of life energy. Which she procures from people. Negative or positive. Doesn't matter long as its intense.

Intense enough for her to feel something in that tired dark old soul of hers.

A soul that I feel to know very well. On some deep level.

And I suspect she would say the same of me.

But the rollercoaster of our relationship goes on, and we manage to constantly surprise and annoy and disgust and... love and respect one another.

Every day is different. Every day is something new with her.

Every day is a battle.

Like she has surmised.

A battle being waged from within.

Against each other.

It seems.

Fuck.

We're... both broken, I guess.

I have nothing further to say. Except that I want something else.

I choose a better place and situation.

And I do it with conscious intent.

Right now.

Tough Cookies

Well blog, here I am again. Prostrating myself at your altar.

Last day of work for the week. So, yes. I started a new job and I'm working ten hour shifts, six days in a row on nights. It's rough. It's cold. It's a little disheartening.

I say disheartening for a number of reasons. The people I work with are a mix of types, but the ones that make my heart sink are the old guys over 60 who are doing what I do. Last night I was listening in on a conversation between two of them in which they both discussed their physical problems. "My toes hurt, my knees are shot, my back..." etc. And at one point, I was asked "are you enjoying listening to us old fucks bitching about our problems?" It wasn't said maliciously or sarcastically since this is how they talk, but I instantly came up with a response:

"Yeah, I'm mentally preparing myself for when I get to be your age."

That got a laugh, with them saying that there is nothing to mentally prepare for.

These guys are tough. And all I could think was that I really don't want to end up like them. I have to figure a way out of this career I'm in. There was talk last night about how we eventually will go non-union and that so much has been taken away from us (pay cuts, shady accounting, docking time when brassing out seconds early, etc) and it really hit me that this isn't the life I've wanted for myself. Great money, but great money that comes at a terrible price.

And at a price that appears to be eroding in value as time marches on. As non-union workers become more in demand than union ones. Simply because they are cheaper and more readily available.

I was listening to a podcast a few minutes ago with Mitch Horowitz in which he discusses the idea of having a "definite chief aim" and how to go about doing it. The four observations he made were:

1) Be focused. Have a clear and narrow vision.
2) Persevere. Your purpose should be consuming and filled with passion. It should be all you desire.
3) Pray. It doesn't matter how, and you don't always need to make demands. But pray. Keep your connection to spirit alive.
4) Your chief aim should never violate personal ethics or contradict values held dear.

It's good advice. Unfortunately, I don't know what my clear and narrow vision should resemble. I was thinking about it last night as I browsed the Yellow Pages at work during a few hours of being at a standstill. I was looking at all the different businesses and seeing if I could visualize myself doing any of those. I couldn't. Nothing leapt out at me.

Except for counselling. I joked with my co-worker Marlon about how you probably could get away without needing a degree in counselling in order to become one. And I thought about how much I would enjoy guiding young people towards a bigger and brighter future for themselves. In the way that I never was guided.

I would like that, actually. And I did look into it, but the training is ridiculous. Two years mininum and a lot of money to complete.

Don't think I can pursue that idea.

I have to think of something for myself blog. My plan right now is to work and make money to put into the stock market. Specifically, ICC Labs, MPX, TGIF, ATE, possibly APH; and hope I can get myself a leg up enough to be able to afford a few things. Such as hearing aids and clearing up my line of credit.

Another thing that was talked about, was how 2019 is likely going to be ugly for work. There's not going to be much of it. So I have more reasons than ever to take this all very seriously.

Establish a passive form of income. I still want to finish my book. I need to. I suppose I should focus more in that direction while I am working. But with one day off a week, usually spent running errands and being with Fola; and then just a couple of hours each day; I don't know how this is going to be pulled off. If it can.

I'm sure it can. I just need to feel the "click" of an ah-ha moment. Or to welcome the grand entrance of the muse that will inspire me to finish off some of what I've written.

I really should edit and organize that channeled book I wrote. It's basically finished. Just needs to be cleaned up. No small feat given how much material is in it and how much of it is difficult to smooth out.

I keep making excuses. Like, this isn't going to work. My word processor program is non-existent, not enough time, etc.

But I have to think of something.

I will try. Going to cut down on my video gaming time and really make more of an effort to focus on the important stuff. I can work, make money and put it into the stock market. In the meantime, I need to invest in myself.

Somehow.

One more shift to go.

Sighs.

Life isn't all peach and fuzz.

Must keep moving.