Holy heck, blog. Has today been an intellectual and spiritual whirlwind of realizations for me.
A few days ago I had the impulse to message a Reddit user. All I did was see this one message, posted in a thread that was discussing astral projection, I believe. Perhaps that wasn't even the topic. Regardless, I had the compulsion to message this fellow because there was something to the way he wrote his words that strongly resonated with me. On one level, it felt as if I was seeing myself. Another version of my own mind, right there in words. It wasn't the contents of his message that gripped me, but rather the way his mind structured the words. It reminded me of something primordial, almost archetypal, and it seemed like he was a fellow comrade that I needed to tip my hat towards.
So, I did just that, sent him a message, and the flood gates opened.
We have only exchanged three messages since then, but each were jam-packed full of information about our mutual interests. Egypt, astral projection, UFOs, the occult, magic, philosophy, etc, etc. I was overjoyed at how much was being reciprocated. I was further overjoyed, when I discovered that Brandon was only 26 years old. 26 and already thinking with clarity and maturity.
Hungry for information, I then fed it to him. All the stuff that came to my mind about UFOs, and Egypt and what have you.
And today, oh boy, did something ever happen.
He sent me a message this morning and I wrote a long reply to it, but Reddit had a character limit so I then offered my email address. Haven't heard back from him yet. But, what really is interesting, is that around a month ago I had stumbled across a CIA document from 1983 that discussed the military application of the techniques that Robert Monroe of the Monroe Institute devised for achieving out of body experiences, astral projection, healing, and traversing dimensions outside of our physical reality.
Brandon, in his last message, told me about his interest in astral projection and mentioned Monroe. Gave me a link to a Hemi-Sync YouTube video, which I listened to while in bed a few hours ago. It made me woozy. I shall need to further experiment with it and do more research.
As I was reading his description about astral projection and why he was interested in achieving it, something hit me.
That document! From about a month ago, that CIA document of which I had only read a few pages of, was triggered in my mind and I went to my phone to see where I had placed it. At the time I downloaded it, I briefly skimmed the opening segment and filed it away thinking I would return to it at my convenience. It wasn't until Brandon mentioned Monroe, that I listened to his YouTube video and went to read the entirety of this paper.
And boy, did it ever fuck my noggin hard.
It was so good.
I have spent the past two hours looking at this "short" 29 page document of which two very important pages were missing, but nonetheless, I was amazed by all of it.
For one, it has confirmed some of the theories I have about God and the Universe. It made mention of the Torus, which is the theoretical shape of the universe. I remembered coming across the Torus somehow, and in a moment of psychosis, wrote it down in a notebook (since discarded during my trip to Toronto last year). I stated with absolute confidence, that this is the shape of the universe. I had seen this in a dream. I am aware of seven dimensions and an 8th that encompasses it all into a whole. I had envisioned this shape, this Torus, and didn't know what it was until coming across it by random chance on a Wikipedia page. While the Torus I saw didn't quite match what the paper detailed, it was very close. Mine looked vaguely like an hourglass enclosed within a sphere, webbed with lines of energy and "dots" which seemed to move around the entire structure. Yesterday, I had read an article about 10 insights gained from an Ayahuasca experience, and one of those insights talked about, was how "dots" represented "love". Perhaps this is what I had seen. Love flowing all around and within the universe.
That was insight #1, the Torus. Incredible. And still amazing that I met Brandon, and he "triggered" me to remember I had this document on Monroe techniques and their evaluation. It is an awesome bit of synchroncity and I am excited to tell him about it once he emails me back.
Second insight, is that this paper pretty well "proves" the viability of astral-projection, and it further proves the existence of God. It really cemented some of the ideas I've had, and it solved a question I had been wondering about for a while. That question is what happens when we "reach" God after traversing/evolving through the seven dimensions? The answer it proposes, is that we merge with him. I had considered merging in the past and believed it, but I was somewhat frightened about the idea of losing my identity while doing so. This paper laid that fear to rest, and described that a soul would still have its autonomy and independence, but it would not be able to "create" or direct its "will". That was an interesting observation. So, while I would "merge" with this universal consciousness, I would not lose who I am as an individual. I however, would relinquish my will and powers of creation, in order to become an observer. That is what this paper suggested.
An observer. Would I be content with that? As I thought about this, I began to imagine myself being like the Sun. It doesn't actually "create" or "will" anything. It simply radiates its essence out to creation. To those that can create and will for themselves. It is likely aware of everything that it shines upon, in darkness and in light; but it has no capacity to really do anything other than what it does.
I don't know. Could I be content with a life like that? Then again, perhaps this total information and ultimate perception is an addictive and satisfying way of being. Imagine knowing everything about anyone and everything that is happening within the solar system or the galaxy. That is true knowledge. Ultimate perception. Perhaps it would be a wild thing to experience. Even if the Sun would be alive for millions of years... And yet, wouldn't there be much loneliness? Is knowledge enough? I don't know, but I will continue to be thinking about this.
Other ideas in the paper... Man.. THREE SECTIONS ARE MISSING. I was really on the edge of my seat, leaning into my phone as I followed section #34, which ended in explaining the Holy Trinity, I had always seen it as "Father/Son/Mother" or, "Yin/Yang/Inbetween"
Just Googled Yin/Yang to see if there was a word describing the separation between the two, as I vaguely recall that there is. Haven't found it yet, but I did find this lovely quote:
The Way begot one,
And the one, two;
Then the two begot three
And three, all else.
Another version of the Holy Trinity.
Mother/Father/Child.
The paper I was engrossed in, described "God" in secular terms and called it "The Absolute". It then described how the "son" was created, which is the Absolute projecting a portion of itself out, and then later being able to perceive it. Unfortunately, that is when the missing sections occurred, and I was not able to see what came about the third aspect of the Trinity. Which was such a cliffhanger and a let-down, as I hoovered up all this data.
It was an intense paper. Lots of care was put into the science behind it, and it really did focus on the viability of remote viewing/OBEs for military application. It concluded that it was viable, but required a lot of work to achieve. In 1983!! Imagine... Imagine if the commander who this paper was presented towards, decided that yes, this was a project worth undertaking. Let's get it going.
And it is now 2018. 35 years later.
35 years ago, this program could have been in operation.
In 35 years, so much progress may have been made. 35 years could also have meant a greater refinement of the Monroe techniques. 35 years means... Shit, it means that the military, or the CIA or whatever "shadow" Government with access to the program/data, could have acquired a lot of interesting information during that time. About how the universe works, and what our function is and ... God knows what else.
Aliens. Dammit. If this paper is indicative of the care and effort into researching strange phenomena and odd ideas; I really want to see the paper on aliens.
And whatever else that is being kept from me.
Makes me wonder if I would actually consent to giving up my power to choose and to use my will in order to gain the sum of all knowledge. I still don't know about that yet.
Perhaps I would have to be given a brief taste, before deciding.
And the rest of the paper.. It CONFIRMS THE LAW OF ATTRACTION. Theoretically, anyways. It doesn't actually offer real evidence, but it makes a sound theoretical case for thoughts being able to create reality. And this was decades before "the Secret" came out.
Shit. I really am a fool who thought himself wise whenever I argued with Fola about how to "correctly" use the "secret". I still have so much to learn. At the very least, my skepticism has moved from "confirmation bias" to "there is something here" and...
Man.. what else did I read about?
Healing. There is a good case being made for the ability to heal oneself. And there is an indirect case made for Reiki. I can't believe it. I am a fool for doubting Fola. She is on the right track with what she is doing.
Even if she doesn't understand it on an intellectual level or how best to use it.
And now, I am beginning to understand it.
Yin/Yang... Man...
I am slowly getting it. I am the rational guy that wants to believe and somewhat sorta does. She is the intuitive gal that definitely believes, but cannot explain it in terms that make it believable to others.
What a couple we make.
I am getting it. I am learning. My God...
And I had another insight earlier while reading this document. I know what my function is in our relationship.
I must bring order to chaos.
She is chaos. Chaotic, and it is my duty to balance it out. To organize it. To keep it from going to the extreme.
And in turn, she will keep me on edge with her intensity. Always providing me with things to organize and mull over.
I see it as knowledge. Organized knowledge. She is the accumulator. The gatherer, and I am the one who has to make sense of it all. So that others who are logically-minded, can benefit. Reason must not be sacrificed for intuition, and neither should intuition for reason. That balance is so crucial and it is an important goal to have and to teach once realized.
Balance. I just ordered a book called "Balancing Magic with Reason" and I already have "The Breakdown of Consciousness in the Bicameral mind" which proposes humanity having lived by the consciousness of God, and not by their own volition, thousands of years ago. That first book came to my attention by random chance today also.
This makes so much sense. I have to hold onto my skepticism and rely upon rationality, but to also keep an open mind and not wave away the craziness she often reports on. Such as feeling vibrations, and... visions...
She is crazy. And it is my job to keep her rational. To promote rationality.
And it is her job to promote and demonstrate faith.
I get it now.
What a couple we make. And we aren't talking. Last night I sent her two emails. One of them angry, the other more restrained. I said a bunch of things. Wanted to explain why I was angry at her last week (being called a molester, indirectly) and... the other email... well, it was more fatherly, I suppose. I can't quite remember everything I said in it. Lots of expressions of disappointment. Not stuff she would appreciate, I'm sure. Haven't heard back on any of those.
Oh, and she posted a video talking about us. About Twin Flames. I...
Yeah. I don't know.
I keep going between true Twin Flame and false Twin Flame, and... It makes sense that a true TF would help you to grow. You can't grow when you are comfortable and in deep synchroncity with someone, that conflict rarely arises between the two of you. That's what bliss is for. That happily ever after ending is not going to help anyone to evolve. It's nice to have, but it has to be earned.
And I feel that this is that process of improving ourselves and earning that outcome. In a way, she is my false Twin Flame that is preparing me for my true one. I think I am solving this riddle. All that pain and anger between us is necessary for us to grow. To evolve. And once we do, in this life, than I imagine we will be meeting our happily ever after, in the next one.
Or perhaps, it will be us. Maybe, once we evolve, we will become the happily ever after in the next life.
I don't know.
Maybe even in this one...
But, I do know that there is something going on with the world today. Some kind of consciousness raising effort is taking place. I am having these insights. Earlier today I imagined myself as a kind of ...
Man, never mind about that part.
We'll see.
And.. Yeah... I don't know what is going to happen with Fola and I right now. I don't think our drama is over with. I just hope it ends well.
I do hope for us to get back together and to be able to get along.
Yeah... I miss her. And I am also seeing the value of us spending time apart.
I get it now.
I just...
You know.. It really does come down to trusting God. Even if I never see her again, I have to accept that this was the divine plan for me. I don't like the idea of being lonely and unloved the rest of my days, but...
I don't like the but... even if this is all temporary, I still want to be loved. In this life. By someone like her.
And I would love her in turn.
I still do.
And... fuck, man. I am a dog begging at the table for scraps. Scraps that taste so good when I receive them.
And I suspect she... expects something of me. I think... I have to figure this part out. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I do remember what she was attracted towards when we first met.
Being in my own power. Taking charge. Making decisions.
Bringing order out of chaos.
Leading the way by my own light.
I must learn to take charge.
I must become a man.
I must fulfill my role in all this.
And so does she.
I hope God has this plan for us in this life.
I...
I love her.
I love Him. Or It.
I am starting to see the Truth of all that there is. It only took a few decades.
And I am not likely to completely realize all that I wish to know in this lifetime, and that's fine. I have acquired a satisfying amount of pieces to play with.
For now.
I must make use of this wisdom I have been given.
I must create the reality I desire.
I said in my last post, that only when I stop trying, can I admit to having failed.
I know what my desires are.
I will bring them into being.
No matter how much it hurts.
Because...
God is on my side.
And so are my spirits.
Thank you.
Carl.
If that is your real name.
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