Hi blog, how are you? Yes, it has been a while hasn't it? Almost two months.
I thought about you off and on. Wanted to come here and post about the latest thing that is bothering me. Such as the drama between Fola, which is generally all that's really worth posting about I think.
She's sleeping in my bed right now. It's 3:30am and I have to go to work. Didn't have enough sleep, but I also couldn't sleep. Something about being in bed with her made me feel uncomfortable more than a few times that I decided to head downstairs, brew coffee and start typing.
Sighs. There is so much I haven't reported on. Her trip to Salem. The fight we had around there. Other fights. Other drama.
Right now, I'm dealing not with a fight, but a disconnect. It bothers me when she acts distant and distracted and last night was more of that.
When she gets that way, I start feeling less excited and interested in being with her.
What bothers me really, is the hypocrisy around our relationship. It wasn't too long ago when she said she would do her best to make this the most loving relationship she can. She hasn't. Not from what I saw last night and recently.
To be fair, she is starting a new job tomorrow and is nervous about it. I suppose I'm mentioning this because we haven't been intimate last night and I really wanted us to be.
When I sleep next to her, it feels like she's not even there. Its like she's a corpse. No warmth. No snuggling. No kisses. Touching her feels like nothing. Like, nothing is registering.
I find that I have to initiate most of the moments of intimacy that passes between us, and that is not good. Hugs, kisses... My attempts at keeping the spark alive doesn't seem to be met with much reciprocity. And that is not good either.
I don't know blog. That woman isn't giving me what I need. She is not keeping true to her word.
I've often wrote in the past about how much I want love in my life. A woman to love and be loved by and... this is not what I wanted. It is and it isn't. In our best moments, it can be, but only when mutual effort is put in. And even then, it feels more like my own efforts than it does for her.
A few days ago, she came over and I initiated sex. At first she was like, "I don't know. I kind of thought about sex before coming over, but I also didn't, I don't know... but you know what I mean."
No, I didn't know what she means. That ambivalence towards giving me something that I need and desire, doesn't help with getting me excited and motivated to please both her and myself.
It damages things.
And yet, she went through with it and it was great. It made no sense to voice doubts or complaints.
I think about the girl of my dreams and how we would spoon together in bed. How we would work to make each other laugh and smile and feel good. And I think of Georgina sometimes, and how she would do silly things like tie Darth Vadar to my bed, or decide to give me a blowjob in the kitchen for no apparent reason or effort on my part.
That's the kind of girl I want. The one that I know is acting to please me and is willing to be pleased by me.
And I don't quite understand why its not that way with Fola. It... She is complicated in a simple way. I think she's always had an issue with connecting emotionally with people. This isn't apparent until down the road, when one spends enough time with her.
I've seen how it is with her daughter. It almost feels like she starves Ivy of affection and attention in a way that makes her daughter craves it even more.
Kind of like what she is doing with me.
Turning us into slaves, I think, is an apt way of describing the effect of her unconscious behavior.
It seems that even with yesterday, when I try and do things perfectly. To please and excite her, I am not rewarded for my efforts. There is this wall or chasm she puts up that she will not take down between us. Despite being witness to the obvious attempt on my part to negate such things. To connect more fully and to bring more depth to our interactions.
It takes two to tango.
I don't know blog. I just don't know. About a week ago I received a spirit guide portrait I ordered through Etsy, done by a psychic in the UK. Costed me about 120$ for it, and I purchased two other readings by separate people so I could better triangulate information about whether or not I have a spirit guide or guides, assisting me through life.
And... It's inconclusive. The portrait I received showed a face of someone with plants/vines for hair.
That was the portrait one. The reading before that, told me that my guide was a woman and that she had an urgent message for me. The message was that Fola (not directly referenced by name) was working to spiritually undermine me.
Felt true enough to me. Whenever I'm in a good mood or feeling particularly connected to my higher-self and the world around me, she manages to tear it down and have me feel disoriented, confused and starved for validation.
The first reading I got, didn't impress me and offered little information beyond that my element is "fire" and that's really all I got among the general statements it made.
So, my triangulation was fruitless. I didn't find any contradictions between them and I didn't find much in common, either, apart from my guide being a woman.
Oh yeah, the second reading said my guide also had a message to me. Something about milking a cow and that "he will know what that means" and I clearly don't.
Yeah.. so.. Fola just texted asking me to go upstairs to cuddle with her.
The slave obeys.
Talk to you soon blog.
Love you.
Now, I must learn to love myself.
