Inspired last week by the story The Adept and the Imp; I came to realize a few important Truths in my journey towards God.
Occult Mysteries is a website that has a number of articles pertaining to the Occult, what it is, what it can be used for and how one may come to distinguish between Truth and falsehood.
My mind has been orbiting around this website since I had read the above story. There have been some pet-theories popping into my brain causing me to question the relationship I have been in with Fola.
Teacher and student. Master and disciple. Adept and initiate.
I'm... not entirely comfortable calling myself a Master by any means or stretch of the imagination, but I am acknowledging the teacher aspect of the equation.
She is willing to defer the responsibility of rational thinking and direction to a "higher" authority, which can mean shamans, gurus, psychics and YouTube personalities. That suggests a student mentality where she doesn't question, test, or come to conclusions on her own. Her joining and then withdrawing from the OTO, is proof of that.
I'm tired right now, blog. Have to go to work soon. Not really feeling it. Weather is gloomy out there and I'm feeling aches in my left elbow and a stiff neck with a stiff back. It's hard work, what I do for a living, and... it can be demoralizing as well, sometimes.
But, Occult Mysteries has given me a ray of hope. One of the articles I most liked on that site, is the one about trusting in God. No matter what may befall you. It echoes the article I wrote on Medium a few days ago, about boosting prayer.
I must heed onto the words that I speak, for they are empty and hollow if I do not live my life by the teachings I promote.
And so, I am... in flux. I feel... I miss her.
I miss Fola... and my heart is... telling me to... wait.
Just wait.
I believe that if she is serious about us. If she really wants to become a part of my life, then there are conditions to be met that she needs to adhere towards. Non-negotiable conditions. Such as respect, and honor and concern and selflessness.
If she is willing and serious, then I can only wait, and see what she will do to express her commitment to me. To us. Because, I cannot dictate it for her. She has to come to do that of her own volition. I will not make her. I will not instruct her.
Unless she asks me to.
But, she has to ask. She has to truly believe that there is much for the two of us to still do together. To learn and grow and become happy and more in our own power. To become the best each of us can be.
Teacher and pupil, alike.
So, blog. I am tired. I am weary. I am...
I am.
And I must learn to accept that.
That this is how things must be. For now. Until God instructs me otherwise.
Until I am directed elsewhere.
I have been directed before, and I will be directed again,
Right now, I can only wait. Even though it is painful.
Even though I think of her often. Negatively.
Maybe I should think of the good between us instead.
The way we'd lie next to each other in bed.
Looking into each other's eyes.
Sex.
Candles.
Touching.
Kissing.
...
I am not feeling particularly verbose today. I don't have much thoughts that I feel need to be written down and at the same time, I have a lot to write about.
But I am not feeling inspired enough to do so.
Therefore, I must wait.
Until...
The time is right.
