We're done. Finished. I know, this has been said before and it is being said again.
But this time I think it'll stick.
After my last blog entry, I went to work and suffered the silence of not voicing out the indignations and feelings I was having to Fola. She then picked up on something and asked what was wrong. I told her I was dealing with insecurities and annoyances and that they'll pass. She then said I could talk to her about whatever was bothering me, and I refused, knowing that she will only get on the defensive and start making excuses for the grievances I would have aired.
When I chanced to send her a text saying that I still felt upset about her accusation, her "fear" that she shared with me, she wrote back with this:
"I like it when you said you wouldn't. I knew you would."
And I blew up. I took her message as meaning that she liked how I said I wouldn't molest her daughter, but KNEW that I would anyways."
Really blew up. I phoned her when I read that message. At 2:15am. She didn't pick up and I left a voicemail. She then texted with "whats wrong" and I unloaded on her.
She brushed off my concerns. Giving me a weak reply and then ended with a "night" while she went back to sleep.
I had enough. Spent the rest of my shift trying not to be upset when everything was going wrong with the job I was doing. Ridiculously so, as if the Gods were intent on breaking me down into little pieces.
But, I held strong. Made it through, and when I got my tea and sat in the car after work looking at her messages. I unloaded.
I really unloaded.
Everything that I had been keeping to myself was revealed. I didn't care about her feelings anymore She didn't care or respect mine, so why should I?
Told her she was crazy. She... Man.. there were too many messages I sent at around 5:30 am. I think I sent a couple dozen of them.
Everything held back was revealed.
And... I ended it with the words, "another time, another life"
Sent her the blog entry I wrote on Friday.
And blocked her.
She wasn't going to write back with anything meaningful. She was not going to say sorry. She was only going to be making excuses.
And be dismissive of my concerns.
Like she has been in the past.
So, its over.
With the way I was feeling after all this, I called in sick Saturday and went to Elk Island park. Tried to feel with my heart. Spent time watching people play on the beach and then moved my car to a spot where I could be alone. Watched the sun set. Cried a bit, and then moved elsewhere.
I found a barn, and no one was around. Went there. Sat for a bit. Cried.
Got home. Sobbed every so often.
And.. Sunday was better. Didn't think I cried once. Felt more angry than anything. Told my mom about what happened, and how that if she can't trust me after a year and a half, if she can't believe my love for her is genuine, if she actually thinks I could molest her daughter; then, there is no point to any of this. She won't trust me. And to me, that is a deal breaker.
I've always wanted the best for her. For us, and she sabotages the relationship in the most innovative and clever of ways. Each week there is something new she does that kills the momentum we've built up. This week was her "fears", last week was messaging her ex, the week before was the OTO, and so on and so on.
She is... On her own now.
She won't listen to me, therefore, I shall not be listening to her.
She won't trust me or to work towards making me feel loved and appreciated, I shall do none of these for her also.
She gives me shit for possibly messaging a woman, but continues messaging guys, going as far as putting a heart next to their comments on Facebook and a thumbs up next to my comment.
We're done. She doesn't know what love requires or is made up of.
All she wants to do is take.
Make promises she won't keep.
Disrespect me. Will take the advice of YouTube personalities, gurus, shamans, witch doctors and psychics but will not listen to my advice. Will not take it seriously.
I'm done.
If she can't listen to the one that loves her, if she has to look to YouTube people and Shamans and members of a devil-worshipping cult for answers; then she has made her own bed and will have to lay in it.
I have done enough.
I will not consort with evil any longer.
Her daughter's birthday is coming up. I feel like I should go. Ivy is blameless in all this, and I wouldn't mind seeing her once more before I well and truly pull the plug.
I know I am saying this is done, and... I don't know what to expect next. Am I going to fall again for her? Will we be back together again?
Not anytime soon.
Only time will tell.
Another time, another life.
If not later on in this one, than the next one.
I have to work on myself again. I have to... learn certain things about who I am and where I am going. I can't do this when someone is drowning next to me and I have to work to keep them aloft in addition to myself.
Let her drown. Its apparently what she wants to do. Learn the hard way. Walk towards evil and fear and New Age bullshit that steers her every which way except towards the Truth.
Love is an important Truth.
She ignores that.
So...
Let her discover for herself what her mistakes are.
And let her work upon them. Without my influence or intervention.
I love that woman. I don't know why but I do.
And I know she loves me. But there is something preventing her from fully expressing it.
I don't know what that would be.
But, that's not for me to worry about any longer.
I have loved her as well as I could. I have tried, and my patience has run out.
There is only so much disrespect and abuse I can take.
...
And I became angry at her. I didn't like it, but I realize that I had to. She needed to wake up. She won't respond to love, but will respond to anger.
So, anger it is.
...
I did not make a mistake doing what I did. A compassionate individual might think that I shouldn't have gotten angry at all. That I should be sympathetic and empathetic and whatever else.
But, those are qualities that not everyone needs or respect, in order to change themselves.
Sometimes anger is necessary. The emotion can be used for good or bad purposes.
And I feel that I have used it for good.
Well blog...
The journey continues.
I am alone again.
My heart is warm right now.
That means something.
I remember.
I remember how it was.
The heart glows for a reason.
...
Maybe someday I'll figure this out.
I want to join the Secret Order.
But I am not ready.
I will be.
Soon as I get over all this.
Soon as I forgive myself.
And her.
Then.
I will press forward.
And realize the best of who I am.
